BEST QUOTES OF 2008
Yet again, staying true to my OCD, I wrote down all the unbelievable, outrageous, inspiring, insipid, bewildering, or hilarious statements made this calendar year. Enjoy. - JPS
"It is the best summary of his presidency, which is: everything looks perfect from his point of view."
- MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, remarking on the photo above of President Bush waving the flag backwards at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing
"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."
- President George W. Bush
"Victims of stalking are not alone."
- Texas First Lady Anita Perry, at a press conference announcing the creation of a statewide “Stalking Awareness Month”
"Some people are saying McCain chose Sarah Palin to appeal to women who supported Hillary Clinton. ... This is crazy. You can't just replace Hillary Clinton with another woman and think it'll be okay. Bill Clinton has tried that and it did not go well."
- Craig Ferguson, on The Late Late Show
"We live in a capitalist society. Why shouldn't I be allowed to capitalize on my virginity?"
- Natalie Dylan, a Sac State graduate in women's studies, who is offering herself in an online auction to raise graduate-school tuition money
"I don't even believe in conflict diamonds. That's just a movie. Think about it. Ain't nobody thought about nothing about no conflict diamonds until the movie came out. Where was all that shit before the movie? That's the problem with people - they believe everything they read or see on TV. It's no different from The Blair Witch Project."
- Akon (Source) (Credit: Derek W.)
"Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya."
– Sen. Joe Biden, to Missouri state Senator Chuck Graham, who uses a wheelchair
"Now what's the difference between first and last place? Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes."
- Shaquille O'Neal, freestyling in a club, in a video widely circulated on the Internet, after the Lakers lost the championship
"I want his two badges back. Because if any one of my deputies did something like this, they’re fired."
- Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, explaining that he was revoking Shaquille O'Neal's special deputy's badge in Maricopa County because of the freestyle video mentioned in the previous quote
Click to view NSFW version
"I'm trying to have a little sense of humor about it, but there's a serious side of it, too, because with the kids. You don't want any kids seeing that."
- Vikings Tight End Visanthe Shiancoe, reacting to the fact that his penis was accidentally aired on FOX during a televised presentation in the Minnesota locker room
"To say that ['The Love Guru'] is not funny is merely to affirm the obvious. The word 'unfunny' surely applies to Mr. Myers’s obnoxious attempts to find mirth in physical and cultural differences but does not quite capture the strenuous unpleasantness of his performance. No, 'The Love Guru' is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again.
- A. O. Scott, in his New York Times review
"Studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than, you know, a few decades. ... I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism and Islam, which I think is a great threat. ... They're going after our young children as young as two years of age to try to teach them that the homosexual lifestyle is an acceptable lifestyle."
- Oklahoma Republican State Rep. Sally Kern, who stands by her comments
"My understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."
- David Mamet, on Jeremy Piven's departure from the Broadway revival of Mamet's Speed-the-Plow, allegedly because of elevated levels of mercury in Piven's body
"Why is it every time a black man in this country gets too good at something, there's always someone coming around to remind us he's black. First it was Tiger. Then Donovan McNabb. Then me. And now Barack. I got a theory about that. It's a little complicated but basically it goes like this: We are a racist country. The end."
- Tracy Morgan, on Saturday Night Live
"This is from the widows, the orphans, and those who were killed in Iraq."
- Journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi, who hurled both of his shoes at President Bush during a press conference in Iraq
"You are better off being homeless than being me."
- Britney Spears, to a stranger on the street
"See, Barack's been talking down to black people on this faith-based...I want to cut his nuts off."
- Rev. Jesse Jackson
"I need to know if she really thinks dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago ... because she's going to have the nuclear codes."
- Matt Damon, on Sarah Palin, whose ascent he compared to a "bad Disney movie"
"It can never be bad to have a foundation as a man - a black man - in a time when women are dying for men. Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men. Are you not studying the stories? Wake up! Black love is a good thing."
- Usher, in an interview with Vibe Magazine
"I'm pretty sure there will be duck-hunting in heaven and I can't wait!"
- Gov. Mike Huckabee, in a speech to the NRA
"Only the lobbyists."
- New York Governor David Paterson, responding to a question about whether he, like Eliot Spitzer, had ever patronized a prostitute
"I should say if anybody wants to tape my conversations, go right ahead, feel free to do it. ... I can tell you that whatever I say is always lawful."
- Gov. Rod Blagojevich, the day before he was arrested based on evidence acquired in taped conversations
"You shoot at men who are fathers: war is completely stupid."
- Lazare Ponticelli, France's last surviving WWI vet, shortly before he died
"As long as there's a demand for gangsta rap, it will be supplied."
- T.I., at a Silence-The-Violence Panel
"I wonder if Bush's ass is kosher."
- Jon Stewart, after a medley of clips of Israel's Olmert complimenting President Bush, on The Daily Show
"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."
- President George W. Bush at the G-8 Summit, as he punched the air and grinned widely
"There was an energy bill on the floor of the Senate loaded down with goodies, billions for the oil companies, and it was sponsored by Bush and Cheney. You know who voted for it? You might never know. That one."
- Sen. John McCain, pointing to Barack Obama, during the second presidential debate
"For once in my life, when I say these words, 'I love you,' I really mean it."
- Ronald, Amazing Race finalist, to his daughter Christina
"Unfortunately, I have to follow the law."
- Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne, on being forced to list polar bear as a threatened species
"I tried [to kill myself], went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on. ... Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore."
- Eric Cartman, on South Park, explaining why his suicide attempt failed
"Isn't there a saliva type prostate exam?
- Deion Sanders, resisting the finger, on Deion & Pilar: Prime Time Love
"Is it really so easy to determine that smacking someone in the face to find out where he has hidden the bomb that is about to blow up Los Angeles is prohibited under the Constitution?"
- Justice Scalia, in an interview with the BBC
"I did learn something interesting [while at the Atlanta airport]. You have to be a member of the TSA in order to legally perform a cavity search. My apologies to the staff of Cinnabon, but you guys should really keep that extra frosting where the customers can find it."
—Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report
"[Sarah Palin] is as off-putting and gross as a pageant contestant but without the desire for world peace."
- Sarah Silverman, on MSNBC's Countdown
"They seem like public property."
- Dolly Parton, discussing her breasts
"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech!"
- President George W. Bush to Pope Benedict at the White House
"Star Jones is now being called a 'cougar' because she's reportedly dating a much younger man. Star is also being called a cougar because she likes to hunt, kill and eat raw meat."
- Conan O'Brien
"I've now been in 57 states. I think one left to go."
- Sen. Barack Obama, at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon
"I want to give a shout-out to all my Saudi Arabian brothers and sisters. If you could all please send me some oil for my jet, I would truly appreciate it."
"Clearly, the picture shows a hand casting a rod."
- Meagan Mitchell, spokesperson for Vice President Dick Cheney, in response to speculation that the White House picture above showed a naked woman reflected in Cheney's sunglasses
"One plastic surgeon has written a book, My Beautiful Mommy. This book is to help kids cope with their parents' cosmetic surgery. It is a lot more sensitive than the previous children's book on the subject, Heather's Mommy Has Two Expressions."
- Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report
"My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars."
- Gov. Sarah Palin, uttering a sentence that is unable to be diagrammed
"The most qualified? No! I think they went for this, excuse me, political bulls**t about narratives."
- Peggy Noonan, former Reagan speechwriter, caught on air on MSNBC during a commercial break dissing Sarah Palin as the VP pick
"All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years."
- Gov. Sarah Palin, unable to name a single newspaper or magazine she reads, in an interview with Katie Couric
"It's moist, it's a wetland, it's a place where people come for fun. And when things go south, forget about it, shut it down."
- Jane Fonda, on the Today Show, explaining why New Orleans is the vagina of America
and finally, the censored quote of the year...
"You know, Meredith, I was too depressed after the 2004 election to remember any of this stuff."
- Junichi P Semitsu, contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, explaining why he couldn't recall the answer to a $50,000 question about the number of voters in the 2004 election. That comment was edited out of the televised broadcast.