FLASHING FORWARD

Gunfight at the Orchid Corral

If you're blending island drinks and tagging Dharma labels on your beer bottles in preparation for a viewing party tonight, you obviously know that the finale of Lost's spectacular fourth season is hours away.

Tonight's episode promises to be especially momentous because of the likely surprises in store. I'm betting it was no coincidence that the flashback from Nikki and Paolo's episode (from Season 3) mentioned how Nikki's television show was going to reveal a major villain at the end of her show's fourth season. And my money is on Juliet as the major villain.

This season's time-shifting narratives have resulted in a creative apex not only for the show, but for dramatic series television. The writers' flash forwards effectively put a major smackdown on all those who said, "They have no idea where this show is going."

While each season has introduced increasingly outrageous facts (e.g., the island can be moved?), I nonetheless spend several minutes a day asking myself questions like: Are Ben and Locke brothers? Did Jack really have his appendix removed or did Juliet plant something inside him? Is Ben unable to die? Did Hurley help Sun take control of her dad's company? Is Bernard the character who ends up being some evil mastermind? Are proper burials a key to understanding why dead people reappear? Could I learn another language as quickly as Jin?

Too bad I can't watch tonight's episode now and then immediately flash forward to 2009. I fear it's going to be a very painful stretch of time between 11 pm tonight and the beginning of Season 5.

In the meantime, here are some excellent Lost-related diversions to distract us until tonight's finale:

• A fan's helpful montage of this season's "flash forwards" in chronological order:

• A remix of Lost's opening credits: What if JJ Abrams thought like everyone else?

• McSweeney's Opening Act from the Original, Unused Teleplay of Lost's Pilot Episode
  

• Jack learns that Michael Johns gets voted off American Idol:

• Jorge Garcia's blog: Dispatches from the Island

--Junichi

RACHEL RAY: DUNKIN' FOR TERRORISM?

What.

The.

F---.

Rachel Ray accused by Michelle Malkin of promoting terrorism.

Malkin couldn't self-parody herself any better than she is now. Somewhere, Ann Coulter is probably trying to figure out if the Neelys are secretly Muslim.

Dunkin' Donuts took a cowardly way out. Their response should have been: "Ms. Malkin - relax and have a donut!"

--O.W.

A SIGN OF HOPE FOR LIVING ARTISTS

Benefits Supervisor Sleeping by Lucian Freud

I appreciate the realism of this painting by British painter Lucian Freud, the grandson of Sigmund Freud. The tattered couch, the mundane haircut, and the strange pose conjure a myriad of emotions of why our society only celebrates humans and human bodies of few varieties.

I especially like the title, Benefits Supervisor Sleeping, which is much more succinct than what I would have called it, which would be something like Portrait of the Buck Nekkid Zaftig Woman Who Handles the Company's Compliance with Medicare and Cobra While Taking A Siesta on a Dog Urine-Stained Sofa Bed Purchased at a Garage Sale, Shortly Before Making A Joking Reference to the Line from Titanic About Wanting To Be Drawn Like One of My French Girls.

In my most generous layman's opinion, this painting should be worth $10,000.

It turns out that my estimate was off by $33,630,000.00. In fact, this painting now holds the world record for the highest price paid for art by a living artist.

(Side note: the benefits supervisor made about $40 a day posing for Freud.)

Now is the time for you art majors to explain the discrepancy between my 10K assessment and the actual $33.64 million selling price.

--Junichi

INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL MOCKINGBIRD

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

Instead of writing a film review of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, I've decided to randomly reimagine the plot of To Kill A Mockingbird if the novel had been touched up by the writers of this latest Indiana Jones flick.

Note: Spoiler alert! Seriously, don't read further if you plan on seeing the movie.

To Kill A Mockingbird

Originally written by Harper Lee
Amended by George Lucas and David Koepp

At the height of the Red Scare, Atticus Finch works as a criminal defense attorney in the town of Maycomb, Alabama. After a decade of fighting Nazis, Atticus begins his vigorous defense of an indigent African American defendant named Tom Robinson, who is falsely accused of raping a white woman.

After fleeing a mob of angry townspeople trying to lynch him, Atticus unknowingly wanders into a nuclear testing zone. After leaning on a plastic lawn ornament, he accidentally detonates a nuclear bomb. A second before the blast, Atticus takes refuge in a lead refrigerator. The force of the atomic explosion sends the icebox hurling over the mushroom cloud and safely dumps Atticus back into town.

When the leader of the mob - a Russian dominatrix with a quasi-British accent - spots Atticus in a diner, Tom helps them both escape on his motorcycle. At the end of a long pursuit through town, the pair slide underneath a row of tables at the courthouse library. When the motorcycle finally comes to a screeching halt, one of Atticus's other clients calmly asks Atticus if his pretrial motion hearing can be postponed.

Meanwhile, Atticus's children, Jem and Scout, become fascinated by their reclusive neighbor, "Boo" Radley. Scout is so curious about Boo that she makes up stories about him and drops out of school. Unbeknownst to Jem and Scout, Boo leaves the children a gift of a crystal skull. When Scout stares too long into the eyes of the magnetic crystal, she receives secret instructions on how to discover a city of gold.

After Tom's trial, Bob, the alleged rape victim's father, vows revenge upon Atticus. One day, when Atticus picks up Jem and Scout from school, Bob chases them into the Amazonian jungle. After nearly escaping quicksand and blow darts, the Finches escape death when Boo picks them up in an army jeep, uses the crystal skull to ward off flesh-eating ants, drives over a giant cliff, lands on a tree, survives three giant waterfalls, and wards off a tribe of Incan / Mayan / South American / Latino / Indegenous / Hispanic / dark savages.

The Russian Dominatrix also catches up with them, but her plot is yet again foiled when Jem learns to swing on vines like a chimp and leads a barrel of monkeys to stop her.

The plot thickens when Atticus uses his knowledge of Incan hieroglyphics to discover that he is Boo's father.

Finally, when Boo and the Finches discover the path to gold in the city of Akator, Bob attacks again. Jem and Boo kill Bob in self-defense.

When Maycomb's sheriff arrives upon the scene to arrest Jem and Boo, the crystal skull suddenly floats on top of a crystal torso, which is seated in a tribal council of twelve other crystal skeletons. The sheriff decides not to arrest them after the floor becomes a giant spinning wheel of fortune and the skulls form a single extra terrestrial, which converts the Mayan ruin into a giant flying saucer and flies off into space.

After learning that gold is really a metaphor for knowledge, Scout learns that she should stay in school.

The End.

--Junichi

SICK

If Robert Muraine -- who has been dancing for tips on Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica -- does not become a paid national celebrity soon, there is something wrong with America.

--Junichi

REAL TALK

If you're not reading Josh Levine's coverage of the R. Kelly trial, you need to be.

--O.W.

NON-ASIAN ARTISTS WITH ASIAN-SOUNDING NAMES

Sun Kil Moon = Some are tiny; none are Korean.

Within the last two hours, my iTunes randomly played "Lamb and the Lion" by The Mae Shi, "Heat of the Moment" by Asia, "Waiting for Tonight" by J. Lo, "9 Crimes" by Damien Rice, "C.R.E.A.M." by the Wu-Tang Clan, and "How I Go" by Yellowcard.

I couldn't help notice the Asian theme running in the artists' names, even though the closest they come to being Asian is eating at PF Chang's.

That inspired my assembling the following list of ...

Top 10 Non-Asian Artists with Asian-Sounding Names:

1. Wu-Tang Clan
2. The Mae Shi
3. Wang Chung
4. Sun Kil Moon
5. Lykke Li
6. Four Tet
7. Lil Kim
8. Tokio Hotel
9. J-Kwon
10. Xiu Xiu

... with a soundtrack to boot.

Of course, there is an argument that the Wu-Tang Clan is now officially Asian.

--Junichi

FIRST POISONING, NOW PENISES

It doesn't pay to be a Russian dissident...

--O.W.

YOU WILL HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I AM FROM

Which of the following options would you choose:

1. You can instantly become fluent in three different languages of your choice.
2. You can only speak English, but you can speak it well in 21 different accents.

I would choose option #2.

I am insanely jealous of the talented woman in the above video. She reminds me of how I wish I could have majored in accents in college.

--Junichi

KONNICHIWA KITTY

Blame It On Sanrio

Newsflash: the Japanese government just appointed Hello Kitty as a tourism ambassador, the first time a fictional character has been appointed to the job.

Below is a compilation of the other inanimate Japanese objects that I imagine were considered, but ultimately rejected, to represent Japan abroad:

--Junichi

A HUGE DAY FOR CIVIL RIGHTS

Kate Kendell. Hero.

Today's unexpected California Supreme Court decision legalizing gay marriage in In re Marriage Cases is equally magnificent and monumental.

The impact is far more than symbolic. For starters, I imagine that today will be a record day for California couples becoming formally engaged.

As I think of all my friends who move a step closer to full equality as a result of the opinion, I stand at the edge of imagining what it might have been like in 1954 to hear about Brown v. Board.

By far, the most significant paragraph of the monstrous 172 page decision is this part of the majority opinion:

A number of factors lead us to this conclusion.

First, the exclusion of same-sex couples from the designation of marriage clearly is not necessary in order to afford full protection to all of the rights and benefits that currently are enjoyed by married opposite-sex couples; permitting same-sex couples access to the designation of marriage will not deprive opposite-sex couples of any rights and will not alter the legal framework of the institution of marriage, because same-sex couples who choose to marry will be subject to the same obligations and duties that currently are imposed on married opposite-sex couples.

Second, retaining the traditional definition of marriage and affording same-sex couples only a separate and differently named family relationship will, as a realistic matter, impose appreciable harm on same-sex couples and their children, because denying such couples access to the familiar and highly favored designation of marriage is likely to cast doubt on whether the official family relationship of same-sex couples enjoys dignity equal to that of opposite-sex couples.

Third, because of the widespread disparagement that gay individuals historically have faced, it is all the more probable that excluding same-sex couples from the legal institution of marriage is likely to be viewed as reflecting an official view that their committed relationships are of lesser stature than the comparable relationships of opposite-sex couples.

Finally, retaining the designation of marriage exclusively for opposite sex couples and providing only a separate and distinct designation for same-sex couples may well have the effect of perpetuating a more general premise - now emphatically rejected by this state - that gay individuals and same-sex couples are in some respects "second-class citizens" who may, under the law, be treated differently from, and less favorably than, heterosexual individuals or opposite-sex couples.

Under these circumstances, we cannot find that retention of the traditional definition of marriage constitutes a compelling state interest. Accordingly, we conclude that to the extent the current California statutory provisions limit marriage to opposite-sex couples, these statutes are unconstitutional.

The second sentence above is a perfectly rational and reasonable conclusion. And yet, it almost sounds revolutionary, now that I've become accustomed to the right-wing bat-sh!t crazy talk about how committed gay couples will destroy the institution of marriage.

A few other observations on the decision:

• The importance of this opinion extends far beyond gay marriage. In deciding that the correct standard of review for sexual orientation discrimination cases is "strict scrutiny," the California Supreme Court will make it incredibly more difficult for any employer or government entity to enact any rules that deny the GLBT community any rights, fundamental or otherwise.

• Nonetheless, Chief Justice George took painstaking steps to ensure that every part of the opinion was carefully drafted to make clear the boundaries and preempt criticism. For example, he stated that no religion will be required to solemnize gay marriages. He also wrote that the Court's decision "does not affect the constitutional validity of the existing prohibitions against polygamy and [incest],” which is a sad but necessary response to the conservative cuckoos who argue that gay marriage will lead to, among other things, the legalization of sex with horses.

• My quick read of the opinion suggests that the only way this decision can be reversed is if there is a state ballot initiative amending the state constitution that says that "same-sex couples shall be denied the right to marry." The language would likely have to be more explicit than Prop. 22 in its intention to harm the LGBT community. In my opinion, such an initiative, assuming it gets on the ballot, would be rejected, albeit by a slim margin. Public opinion in California is clearly shifting toward recognizing gay marriage. Plus, there's a difference between voting for a pre-existing ban vs. voting to take away rights that gay couples will have in 30 days. Finally, even if such an initiative passes, there's a valid argument that it will still be considered invalid based on conflicting language in the state constitution.

• I'm a tad disappointed that the majority rejected the argument that the marriage laws at issue did not constitute gender discrimination. For me, if the right to marry a woman depends on whether you are a man or a woman, that is gender discrimination. But the Court rejected that as a semantic argument. Of course, none of this matters now that sexual orientation discrimination will be treated the same (in California) as race or gender discrimination.

• One of the dissents dismissed the majority's decision as "legal jujitsu." Justice Baxter, why must your insults involve Japanese arts? I resent that ethnic slur, your honor. Plus, jujitsu is kinda awesome.

• Interesting fact: three out of four of the Justices in the majority were appointed by a Republican governor.
  

I think a healthy amount of credit should go to SF Mayor Gavin Newsom, whose election I fiercely opposed when I lived in SF. I take back every bad thing I ever said about you, Mr. Mayor. You have my full respect.

Finally, to the homophobes currently in the Golden State, here's hoping you move to Nevada.

--Junichi

REPORTING DISASTER

Let me begin by saying I'm not really sure where I'm going with this so just bear with.

Like many, part of how I've been following the Sichuan quake has been through listening to NPR's All Things Considered. Several of their key staff - including two of their main co-hosts and another pair of their main producers - were all in Chengdu (Sichuan's capital) for a series of stories on "modern China." In fact, I had been asked if I wanted to contribute to any of the China coverage about a week ago. This was all before the quake hit...but when it did, NPR had some of its most experienced staff members literally at the epicenter. As a journalist, I can only imagine that such a confluence of circumstances must be both incredible and devastating.

On the one hand, they are covering the human toll of this disaster in a way that I don't think anyone could possibly envy. It's not like they went into Chengdu as war correspondents, ready for death or destruction - the Chengdu stories were meant to be human interest-related. Instead, they end up doing disaster coverage and not just any disaster, but something of a magnitude that few in the Western world (outside of the Gulf Coast, circa August 2005) could probably comprehend. Many have been and will be talking about Melissa Block's story from yesterday, where she reports on a couple in Dujiangyan suffering through an agonizing wait to find their two year old son and elderly parents buried under the rubble of their home. You can hear her breaking down at various times as she reports on what's happening.

This story must have taken hours to record and I'm trying to imagine what Block and her staff were thinking through this. Is it morally right to put a microphone on such intense suffering? What is the role of journalism in the face of this kind of personal agony?

My wife and I had the same thought, which we spoke aloud to one another: someone is probably going to earn a Pulitzer for this. And we felt ashamed for thinking it but I think we were both responding to the incredible impact of the story. I mean, this is what radio does - it dramatizes and personalizes in ways that other forms of media - not print, not even video - cannot achieve. And so, these stories, which are simultaneously horrific and incredible, raise these conflicted emotions at both the power of the reporting but also its ethical dimensions. I'm not raising this as a form of castigation; I can't say I'd be doing anything different if I were in their shoes (and I'm glad I'm not). I just don't know how to resolve that dilemma.

Last thought in this thread: the Burma cyclone disaster, in terms of death toll and general devastation, is "worse" (if you want to quantify) and it's over 10 days old yet I never got pulled into it the same way and I think part of it is because the media reports coming out of Burma lack the same kind of human dimension that's being reported on in China. It's not for lack of stories - it's lack of access. Journalists in Burma have to broadcast behind the backs of the local officials so long radio pieces are out, only cell phone reporting seems easy to do. And that difference is stark - what's happening is that two equal human dramas are playing out in real time but only one of them is getting the kind of depth and nuance it deserves. Not for lack of relevance, but lack of means.

Let me bridge me from there to something on a different note:

I firmly believe the Iraq War is the worst foreign policy decision that I've ever seen in my lifetime and frankly, there's leaders deserving of prosecution over it. That said, I'm not a hardcore anti-interventionist and as Daniel Schorr points out - it's too bad Iraq has given the idea of interventionism a bad name. With Burma, what the military government seems to be doing is beyond reprehensible. Maybe it's not as bad as gassing their own citizens, but at the very least, it's malignant neglect. Schorr suggests that, just international partners should have done in Rwanda 14 years ago (but didn't), it's time for the UN to get humanitarian aid into Burma, sovereignty be damned. Frankly, I have visions of special teams forces swooping in and abducting the entire junta leadership. Not likely to happen and I'm sure some would suggest that wouldn't be terribly constructive but seriously, when you have leadership willing to sacrifice hundreds of thousands of their citizens over a power grab, emotionally speaking, it's hard to get behind sanctions alone.

Of course, Burma seems a bit bush league compared to North Korea, whose domestic policies seem to be aspiring for Stalinist/Maoist levels of inflicting damage on its own citizenry. Ergo, maybe, it's not the idea of regime-change that's inherently bad...more like the choice of targets. *sigh*

--O.W.

MAKE IT RAIN, PEOPLE!

Rain in Vain

Several excellent websites have already chastised People magazine for printing the above interview with Korean pop singer Rain next to a photo of someone who is neither Rain nor any form of precipitation.

In fact, the man in the photo above is actor Karl Yune, the younger brother of actor Rick Yune.

(At least I think that's Karl Yune. He kind of looks like Jet Li, so it's hard to say. Plus, in the right light, he also resembles Kim Jong Il. It's like one of those Magic 3D pictures where if I stare at it long enough, I start to see every member of my family.)

Anyway, as tempting as it is to categorize this as further evidence that non-Asians can't tell Asians apart, I resist.

True story:

Two years ago, I accompanied the Dixie Chicks to the Time 100 event in New York City. (You can read about it here.) As I trailed the Chicks onto the first red carpet for domestic print press, I heard a few reporters and photographers quietly ask the person next to them whether I was Rain, who was also being honored as one of the Time 100. A sole cameraman rolled tape as I approached.

I was mistaken for Rain!

Sadly, most of the American press did not even care whether I was Rain or not. They were all waiting for J. Lo.

As I left the area, I sighed about how non-Asian people apparently think we Asians look alike.

But then, when I walked onto the red carpet for international press, nearly all the Asian photographers started snapping pictures of me like crazy and yelling, "Rain! Rain!" Of course, they quickly stopped when somebody pointed out that I wasn't Rain.

Even after realizing that I wasn't Rain, the Asian press (who seemed to be covering the event solely because of Rain) continued to assume that I was in some way connected with him. Perhaps I came off as the Joey Fatone to his Justin Timberlake. Reporters shouted at me, asking what it was like working for Rain, whether I knew if he was coming, and what I thought about his being honored as one of the Time 100.

It would've blown their minds had they learned that I was actually with the three white Texan women a few feet ahead of me.

Needless to say, if the Asian paparazzi is mistaking me for Rain (albeit momentarily), then I think it's safe to say that all people -- Asians and non-Asians alike -- think Asian people look alike.

For what it's worth, I offer the side-by-side comparison below:

Can you spot the differences? For starters, the guy on the left (me) is not one-tenth as handsome as the guy on the right (Rain).

--Junichi

SICHUAN QUAKE

The last time a quake this size hit China, about a quarter million people died. However, much of that was because China then - like Burma today - shunned foreign aid. Not this time: China seems willing to accept whatever help it can get.

NPR - whose All Things Considered staff was already in Chengdu when the quake hit - has a list of possible charities for those interested in contributing.

The story about the Dujiangyan middle school which collapsed is heartwrenching. I cannot remotely imagine the anguish running through these victims' parents.

--O.W.

MONSTER

I realize this is relatively old news, but I am appalled that Senator Clinton made the following statement:

"I want the Iranians to know that if I'm the president, we will attack Iran [if it attacks Israel]. In the next 10 years, during which they might foolishly consider launching an attack on Israel, we would be able to totally obliterate them."

Several weeks have passed since the above clip, but she - to my horror - has yet to move away from her stance or sound bite.

Even if one believes in the right of the United States to engage in massive retaliation for aggression against our allies, Clinton's words are unconscionably insensitive, at best, and insanely genocidal, at worst.

"Totally obliterating" Iran would mean the death of 71 million people, which eclipses Hitler's total obliteration during the holocaust by about 60 million people.

I can't think of anything that George W. Bush has ever said that sounds as hawkish, maniacal, and detrimental to our national security interests as Clinton's words on Iran.


P.S. And some of you are still defending Clinton as the choice for progressives in November?


P.P.S. Now that Senator Clinton has officially become a monster, can Samantha Power be reinstated as Obama's foreign policy adviser?

--Junichi

THIS ONE TIME AT BAND CAMP

Tuba players rock.

--Junichi

PAVING AN INANE ROAD TO HELL

Wow. Like...wow.


b/w

Somewhere, Michael Chertoff is thinking, "see, our response to Katrina wasn't so bad, relatively speaking, after all."

b/w

Not that I'm one to crow about the need for "regime change" but Burma's junta is enough to make anyone reconsider.

--O.W.

ON HILLARY CLINTON'S CAMPAIGN

(Click above photo for additional photographic metaphor)

--Junichi

OPERATION SUDDEN FALL

Worst Game of Pictionary Ever

We're not in Baltimore anymore, Toto.

A few miles away, the DEA just arrested 75 San Diego State University students and 21 others in conjunction with "Operation Sudden Fall," a major undercover investigation several months in the making. Several of the drug busts resulted from search warrants executed at multiple SDSU fraternities.

According to the DEA's press release:

DEA Agents infiltrated several student drug distribution cells and more than 130 drug purchases and seizures were made during the five-month operation."

As a result of the investigation, 75 SDSU students and 21 non-students have been arrested for various drug offenses ranging from possession of marijuana and cocaine to sales of cocaine. One student arrested was a cocaine dealer on campus who was just one month away from obtaining his Masters Degree in Homeland Security and also worked as a student Community Service Officer on campus and reported to the campus police. Another student arrested for possession of 500 grams of cocaine and two guns is a Criminal Justice major.

...

In one instance a member of the Theta Chi fraternity sent out a mass text message to his “faithful customers” stating that he and his “associates” would be traveling to Las Vegas for the weekend and would not be able to complete cocaine sales during that time. He noted that they were having a “sale” on cocaine and listed the reduced prices.

Evidence seized includes four pounds of cocaine, 50 pounds of marijuana, 48 hydroponic marijuana plants, 350 ecstasy pills, psilocybin (mushrooms), 30 vials of hash oil, methamphetamine, various illicit prescription drugs, one shotgun, three semi-automatic pistols, three brass knuckles and $60,000 in cash.

At this point in the blog post, you might expect me to rant about the hundreds of thousands of tax dollars wasted on a senseless war on drugs that will result in the pointless incarceration of dozens of talented college students.

But to be honest -- and I know I'm going to invite the wrath of many for saying this -- part of me finds this a refreshing shift in focus for local law enforcement.

A 2002 study of narcotics search warrants issued in San Diego found serious racial disparities. African Americans only make up 6% of the county population, but were the subjects of search warrants in 20% of the cases. Chicano/Latinos, who make up 24% of the population, were search warrant subjects in 43% of the cases. Whites, who account for 61% of the population, were subjects of search warrants in only 35% of the cases. (Source: Laurence A. Benner, Racial Disparity in Narcotics Search Warrants, 6 J. Gender Race & Just. 183 (2002)).

I have no idea the racial breakdown of the arrested, but a quick scan of Theta Chi's website suggests that this drug bust is reversing the trend of those disparities. Thanks to Prop. 209, any drug bust on a California state college campus is unlikely to be part of the trend of targeting poor communities of color.

Given the prevalence of drug use on every college campus, this major federal/state/local crackdown at SDSU never would have happened but for the death of a white female SDSU student. The DEA admits as much in its press release.

Don't get me wrong: I abhor every aspect of the war on drugs. I don't support legalizing all narcotics, but I see no point in incarcerating drug addicts.

But undoubtedly, our elected leaders will never rethink our nation's drug policies until their sons and daughters are facing a decade in prison for buying ecstasy.

So if it takes crackdowns in rich neighborhoods, college campuses, and corporate boardrooms to ignite a reconsideration of our drug laws, let's get on with it.

--Junichi

IN MEMORY OF MILDRED LOVING

another love that once dared not speak its name
I wanted to acknowledge the passing of Mildred Loving. In the late 1950s, Mildred - an African American - and her White husband - Richard - plead guilty to violating Virginia's anti-miscegenation laws and, as a condition of their plea bargain, agreed not to return to Virginia for 25 years. However, by 1963, Mildred decided to contest that ruling and the ACLU was able to take it up to the Supreme Court, where in 1967, Loving vs. Virginia struck down all laws prohibiting interracial marriage, thus removing one of the last major legacies of legalized segregation in America.

It's always been striking to me that within the lifetime of my parents (and really, only five years before I was born), states could actually outlaw interracial couplings. Today, such legislation seems so obviously pernicious, so a remnant of Jim Crow and America's legacy of racial hatred, that it's remarkable it took so long for it to be struck down (and not simply voted out by state legislatures).

Of course, the irony is that while some things have changed - viva Tony Parker and Eva Longoria - some things have not. The difference now isn't that gay marriage bans are less pernicious, less a remnant of hate and fear. No, the difference is that these aren't anachronistic laws left over from bygone eras but rather, the product of contemporary political mobilization. It's all the more shameful. It's also notable that Loving, we stopped giving interviews in recent years, did make a public statement last year, in support of the right of gays and lesbians to marry.

--O.W.

CLEAR SIGNS THAT I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT

Orange crack

The following three things really did happen to me in the previous month:

1. In the process of climbing onto a golf cart, the crotch seams of my shorts burst open, exposing my boxers to the fine people at the Pacific Grove Municipal Golf Course.


2. While walking around the house, one of my belts suddenly burst and broke. Three days later, my other belt did the same thing. The belts were neither old nor slowly deteriorating. It was as if both concocted a plan to suddenly commit suicide.
   


3. In a furniture store, I hopped onto a bed and the entire wooden frame below the mattress collapsed, as if I had fallen into a trap door. An outside observer might have thought I was performing a pratfall from a Mary Katherine Gallagher skit on SNL, especially since my wife was laughing hysterically.
   
   

Sadly, I am now part of America's obesity problem. After looking up the US Department of Agriculture's dietary guidelines, I have confirmed that I am "severely overweight," the highest possible weight category.

Obviously, a strict diet of Cheetos, Taco Bell, and Dr. Pepper has taken its toll.

*

In an attempt to reverse this trend and resuscitate my metabolism, I am now going to begin training for a 10K marathon to take place on Thanksgiving morning. If you would like to support that endeavor, please click here.

--Junichi

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BARACK

--Junichi

VP CANDIDATE FOR McCAIN: TONY ZIRKLE

McCAIN / ZIRKLE 2008?

As a public service, Poplicks will be periodically submitting suggestions to Senator John McCain for potential running mates.

After a substantial vetting process, here is our first nominee for consideration to be the GOP 's next Vice President of the United States:

TONY ZIRKLE

• PROFESSION: Attorney, Former Prosecutor
  

• MILITARY EXPERIENCE: Attended the Naval Academy

• EDUCATION: Graduated cum laude from Georgetown; law degree from Indiana University

• AGE: Much younger than McCain
  

• POLITICAL EXPERIENCE: Currently seeking the GOP nomination for Indiana’s 2nd Congressional District; receiving significant local and nationwide press coverage

• BELIEVES IN GUN RIGHTS: On his own website, he proposes enacting a "'Derrenger's for Dildos' policy to put guns in American women's hands instead of divorce aids."
  

• TOUGH ON CRIME: Wants to bring back the guillotine
  

• FAMILY VALUES: Major anti-pornography crusader; strongly believes that pornography is a Jewish plot against women

• HAS IDEAS FOR IMPROVING THE ECONOMY: Believes that work productivity is significantly reduced because of employees surfing for Internet porn; recession would therefore end after he bans pornography
  

• STRAIGHT TALK POTENTIAL: Believes that white people are the victims of a "genocide"; open to idea that all racial groups in the United States should be segregated into different states.

• WILLING TO REACH OUT TO IGNORED GROUPS: Recently attended a birthday party for Adolf Hitler hosted by a White Supremacist party adorning swastikas
  

• GREAT SOUND BYTES: When asked to defend his appearance at the group's Sieg-Heil-ing gathering, he replied, "I'll speak before any group that invites me ... I've spoken on an African-American radio station in Atlanta."

In sum, Zirkle is an honest and fearless man with nearly flawless Republican credentials. What could go wrong?

You're welcome, John.

--Junichi