BEST QUOTES OF 2007
Again, in keeping with my on-going losing battle with OCD, I wrote down all the outrageous, inspiring, offensive, enraging, insipid, bewildering, or hilarious statements made in 2007. Enjoy. -JPS
"Yeah, they got the eyes like they're Oriental, and, you know, it's all pulled. So make sure you do it right."
- Pat Robertson, noting that people like Fox News host Greta Van Susteren who get plastic surgery have strange-looking eyes
"Welcome to Scotland"
- Scotland's new slogan, which is what an ad agency came up with for a new "exciting" slogan after spending six months on the initiative and getting paid 125,000 pounds -- about $258,750 -- by the Scottish government
"Since when did I become the spokesperson for nappy-headed hos?"
- Wanda Sykes, on being contacted by every media outlet for her views on Don Imus. She also added, I "thought Imus died, like, nine years ago. ... [He has] one of those faces that belongs in the obituaries."
"I need to get a greater vocabulary than what I have and when I get mad and my brain searches for a word. I have to find different words and to do that you need to have more of an education."
- Duane (Dog) Chapman, on Hannity & Colmes
"Oh, it's not really a team. It's just a bunch of guys who like doing gymnastics!"
- Kenneth, after being asked by Will Arnett's character what team he plays for, on 30 Rock
"I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship. ... There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.'"
- Bill O'Reilly
"During the Democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying, 'There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11.' Giuliani later responded, saying, 'Joe Biden sucks 9/11.'"
-Seth Meyers, Weekend Update
"Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don't want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her."
Actual Spirit Airlines Ad
"Not at all ... The most obscene thing we've noticed is what other carriers have charged to fly the Caribbean before Spirit's $9 fares."
- Juan Arbelaez, director of communications for Spirit Airline's Latin American market, when asked whether it was aware that their MILF ("Many Islands, Low Fares") marketing campaign had other implications
"Talk to you later, Buckwheat."
- Democratic Rep. Carla Blanchard Dartez, ending a conversation with Hazel Boykin, a black civil-rights veteran who had helped her campaign
"I will love you through your maggots."
- Midge Dallas, to her husband, behind whose bleeding head was an infestation of tiny bot fly larvae, after a trip to Belize
"As a child in the Deep South, I’d grown up fearing the lynch mobs of the Ku Klux Klan; as an adult, I was starting to wonder if I’d been afraid of the wrong white people all along. ... My worst fears had come to pass not in Georgia, but in Washington, D.C., where I was being pursued not by bigots in white robes but by left-wing zealots draped in flowing sanctimony."
- Justice Clarence Thomas, in his memoir, My Grandfather’s Son
"On the downside, Jefferson faces 235 years in prison. On the upside, now we know what it takes for the federal government to pay some attention to a black man from New Orleans."
-Jon Stewart, on the indictment of Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA)
- Robert Comer's last words before being executed in Arizona
"My idea of getting lucky in the men's room is when the motion sensor works on the faucet."
- David Letterman on Late Show with David Letterman
"I wish the Iranian people well, and only hope their experience with an inept, rigid ideologue president goes better than ours."
- Oliver Stone, after being refused from filming a documentary about Ahmadinejad in Iran
"In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country."
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, at Columbia University
"We are what is wrong, and we must make it right."
- Al Gore, accepting the Nobel Peace Prize
"Yeah, well maybe next time, you will estimate me."
- Michael, to Jan, who said she underestimated him, on The Office
"Denzel Washington is part of every black family's household. Your mother loves him, your grandmother loves him -- he's the only man that your girlfriend can say, 'Oh, Denzel is fine,' and you won't say nothin' about it."
- RZA, on working with Denzel on American Gangster
"For someone who went to parochial schools all his life this is a very frightening thing that is happening right now."
— Rudy Giuliani, after lightning hit the building while he was discussing his views on abortion during a debate between the GOP presidential candidates.
"'You know, when your dad and I were first together we used to video tape everything. Everybody’s naked, hugging, kissing, all that good stuff and someone stole the tape.' And I remember when we were watching the film [Borat] and [her son] Dylan goes: 'You mean everybody has seen this?' And I said, 'Yes.'"
- Pamela Anderson, on what she told her kids before they watched the film Borat
"I'm more of a man than any liberal."
- Ann Coulter
"Pot. It mightn't kill you, but it could turn you into a dickhead."
- The tag line in an Australian government ad to discourage teenage use of marijuana
"A headline last Sunday about a Muslim man and an Orthodox Jewish woman who are partners in two Dunkin’ Donuts stores described their religions incorrectly. The two faiths worship the same God — not different ones."
- New York Times correction
"During this trial, I've had to sit there and listen to rie after rie."
- Stephen Sakai, a Brooklyn bouncer on trial for triple homicide, speaking in a comically fake Asian accent
"Robert Adler, the co-inventor of the TV remote, died this week at the age of 93. In accordance with his wishes, he will be buried between two enormous sofa cushions."
- Amy Poehler, on SNL's Weekend Update
"It's ready for a retarded president, why wouldn't it be ready for an African American president?"
- Chris Rock, upon being asked whether this country is ready for an African American president
"I fear that radical Muslims ... would love to see 'In God We Trust' stricken from our money and replaced with 'In Muhammad We Trust.'"
- Rep. Virgil Goode (R-Virginia), on the house floor
"DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE ISLAND IS?"
-Lost writer/producer Carlton Cuse's picket sign
"The American people believe English should be the official language of the government. ... We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto."
- Newt Gingrich
"Sting, you the only Police that's good in the hood!"
- Kanye West, while on stage with The Police, at Live Earth
"[My son] Casey died for a country which cares more about who will be the next American Idol than how many people will be killed in the next few months while Democrats and Republicans play politics with human lives."
- Cindy Sheehan
"That's because I read it."
- Rep. Dennis Kucinich, explaining why he was the only candidate at the Las Vegas Democratic debate who had voted against the Patriot Act
"Where did you two meet, an AMBER Alert?"
- Jack, to Liz , about Liz's much younger date, on 30 Rock
"There were only two of them, but they made a whole frontage: huge, compelling, pneumatic. They burst out of tight red dresses--preferably red--or teased among feather boas, or flanked a dizzying cleavage that plunged to tantalising depths. These were celebrated, American breasts, engineered by silicon to be as broad and bountiful as the prairie. With them, a girl from nowhere--or from Houston, Texas--could do anything. The body behind them waxed and waned, sometimes stout as a stevedore's and sometimes almost waif-like, matching the little-girl voice; but the Breasts remained."
- The Anna Nicole Smith obituary in The Economist
"When I have sex with my husband, I fantasize I am with a petite, hot young woman."
- Dolly Parton
"David Beckham's got my full support and the backing of all my people."
"No. there is an elephant in the way."
- Anonymous, in response to the above physics exam question
"People use music as a utensil to better themselves."
- Jessica Simpson
"As always, I rely on the jury system."
- O.J. Simpson, after a judge refused to dismiss his latest criminal charges
"Go back to Africa and do your gay voodoo limbo tango and wango dance and jump around and prance and run all over the place half naked there."
- Army Recruiter Sgt. Marcia Ramode in an E-mail to a gay black man seeking to enlist
"I want to be like Gandhi and Martin Luther King and John Lennon – but I want to stay alive."
"It has been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name 'Rudolph Giuliani' so other candidates can't use his name in negative campaign ads. ... For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'ballbuster,' 'castrater,' and 'nutcruncher.'"
"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our [children]."
- Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina Teen USA
"I love 'em ... except for the few sickos who write lesbian fan fiction about me and Bea Arthur.'"
-Betty White, on her fans, on Ugly Betty