THE 2006 WRAP-UP

Look, Mommy! Flat Daddy likes to ride bitch!

Second Most Painful Use of Tax Dollars: The Marine National Guard sent several hundred "Flat Daddies" -- cardboard cutouts of fathers in Iraq -- to their children (see above) to help them cope with their daddy's absence.

Most Painful Use of Our Tax Dollars: For the fourth year in a row, it's a tie between the rising American death count (almost 3,000) and the spiraling Iraqi civilian death count (officially, over 50,000, with a database to support the numbers).

Worst College Icebreaker: The College Republicans National Committee organized "Catch an Illegal Immigrant Day," encouraging students to pretend to be undocumented workers and hide on university campuses while others win prizes by finding them.

Best News Story Involving A Penis Pump: Madin Azad Amin tells airport security that a penis pump in his luggage was a bomb, to avoid embarrassment from having to reveal device to nearby mother.

Second Best News Story Involving A Penis Pump: Judge Donald D. Thompson was convicted and sent to prison for four years (four years!) for using a penis pump while presiding in his own courtroom.

Most Questionable Definition of Fair and Balanced: Debating whether a civil war in Iraq is "a good thing".

Most Amazing Demonstration of Dick Cheney's Power: Harry Whittington, the man whom Vice President Cheney accidentally shot in the face, apologized to Cheney for being shot in the face.

Best Song Title: "Baby Let’s Have A Baby Before Bush Do Somethin’ Crazy" - The Coup

Second Best Song Title: "Tacobel Canon" - Ratatat

Most Predictable Result of Research Involving The Mentally Ill: Christopher Lohse, a master's student at Southern Connecticut State University, proved a correlation between the severity of a person’s psychosis and their preferences for president: The more psychotic the voter, the more likely they were to vote for Bush.

Worst Instance of Free Product Placement: cocaine and crack, courtesy of hip hop in 2006 (Thanks, Young Jeezy! Love, Pablo Escobar, Jr.)

Best Reason to Believe the Moral Majority is Neither Moral Nor The Majority: According to ChristiaNet.com, one of the leading Christian web sites, 50% of all Christian men and 20% of Christian women are addicted to porn

Best Reason To Use Birth Control: Devin Haskin, age 3, pictured above, who crawled into a discharge chute of a Toy Chest claw machine at a Godfather's Pizza in Minnesota.

Best Reason Not To Use Birth Control: USC researchers discover that ozone (result of sunlight interacting with nitrogen oxides and hydrocarbons in smog) lowers men's sperm count.

Worst Example of Birth Control: Cops are probably hurled with insults like "Dick!" all the time, but rarely are they literally hurled with dicks: Chicago 33-year-old Jakub Fik resisted arrest by smashing car windows, throwing knives at seven cops, and then severing his own penis and throwing it at the officers. Apparently, he was upset over relationship problems with his girlfriend, who cannot possibly be worth severing one's genitalia over.

Poplicks Entry That Generated The Most Comments: The one about Matisyahu

Worst Method of Revealing One's C-Section Scars: Britney Spears

Top 3 Groups Who Did A Better Job At Reporting Than Reporters in 2006: (1) Documentary Filmmakers (When The Levees Broke = Best News Report Ever), (2) The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, (3) Bloggers.

Best Tool for Prosecutors and the Police: MySpace

Best Speech of 2006: "I stand by [President Bush]. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world." - Stephen Colbert, at the White House Correspondents Dinner, in front of W.

Worst Speech of 2006: At Ken Lay's funeral, Rev. William Lawson compared Lay to James Byrd, the black man dragged by a truck to his death by white supremacists in Jasper, Texas. In front of hundreds of mourners including Bush I, Rev. Lawson said, "Ken Lay was neither black nor poor, as James Byrd was, but I'm angry because Ken was the victim of a lynching."

Best Evidence That A Majority of Americans Will Believe Anything: According to ABC News, 64% of Americans perceive that scientists have "a lot of disagreement" about the existence of global warming.

Biggest Musical Trend That Blew Up and Fizzled in The Same Year: Hyphy movement

Best Example of Humility or Worst Example of Negotiation Skills: Oliver's excellent "Soul Sides" compilation LP, which doesn't have his name anywhere on the album cover

Paris Hilton Award for Most Irritating Person of the Year: Paris Hilton

Most Effective Crusader Defying Stereotypes About Asians: World's tallest man, Bao Xishun, is Asian. Plus, he saves dolphins. (I hate it when everyone assumes that I am unwilling to save dolphins.)

Most Outrageous Post 9-11 Decision By the Bush Administration: The Department of Homeland Security cut anti-terrorism funding to New York by 40% because it concluded that the city has no national icons or monuments that terrorists would likely attack. So while the Empire State Building, the NY Stock Exchange, the Statue of Liberty, and Times Square didn't make the list, Louisville's Churchill Downs race track and Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo in Huntsville, Alabama did make the list.

Best Reason to Cheer On Nintendo's Wii for Beating Sony's Playstation: White is Coming!

Best Christmas Present: Katsumi bodysuits

Worst Christmas Present: Your Very Own Stripper Pole

Best Demonstration That Life is Not Worth Living if James Brown Is No Longer On This Earth: Gerald Ford

Best Decision by NBC: Getting around FCC censors by putting the uncensored version of SNL's excellent "D**k in a Box" video on its website and on YouTube.

Worst Decision by NBC: Refusing to air ads for the documentary film Shut Up and Sing because they deemed the commercials "disparaging to President Bush."

Best YouTube Video of the Year Not Starring Little Superstar:

--Junichi

ILLICIT ROUNDUP

I love it when you call me big Papa

In a milestone year of church leaders being outed, the NY Daily News reports on rampant speculation in Italy that Pope "Eggs" Benedict is gay.

The allegations aren't credible, since the evidence is based, in part, on the fact that he buys red Prada shoes. (If one's wardrobe makes him gay, then every Pope in the history of the Catholic Church is gay.) Most of the foundation around the rumors circulate around the Pope's private secretary, Monsignor Georg Gänswein, pictured above, who is described as the "handsome, blond, 50-year-old amateur ­pilot, ­tennis player and former ski instructor," which, I suppose, is mildly hot.

Wouldn't it be awesome if the Pope came out of the closet? I'm not saying this just because I pray for a delicious Vatican sex scandal every night. (I used to pray for a Republican sex scandal every night, but that prayer has already been answered.)

See, when celebrities like Neil Patrick Harris or Lance Bass come out, there isn't much of a ripple effect anymore, save for a few Doogie Howser and *NSync fan club treasurers whose pipe dreams are crushed like the ice in my fountain drink.

But if Vatican CEO Ratzinger admits he's gay, holy see ... that coming out party will have seismic shifts great than if George W. Bush admits that he and Laura had an abortion after a coke-fueled night of stem cell destruction and the formation of a London Bridge with Michael Moore and Osama bin Laden. Either the Pope will advance gay rights in the church, or women will be allowed into leadership roles greater than "Head Supervising Nun," or, the Vatican will start allowing priests to marry, or, perhaps, all hell will break loose, literally, and the next Pope will unleash the Illuminati and declare war on anything that isn't 100% heterosexual.

*

In other illicit news, the South Korean government is handing out free movie tickets, cash prizes, and other incentives to office workers who promise not to pay for prostitutes this holiday season.

According to Reuters, South Korea's Ministry of Gender Equality has declared that "If you promise yourself to make it a healthy night out at the end of the year, and if you recommend this to others, we are giving lots of prizes."

My thoughts:

1. Doesn't the South Korean government have better things to worry about? Like North Korea?

2. If I were a South Korean prostitute (which I am, on Tuesday nights), I would probably just look for business in the movie theater.

3. Why doesn't the United States have a Ministry of Gender Equality?

4. Wouldn't it be awesome if the Pope got married to Monsignor Georg Gänswein?

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #86

Damn buildings with no chimneys

This Week's Question:

What did Santa fail to bring you this year?

--Junichi

'NUFF SAID

--O.W.

THE GODFATHER OF SOUL IS DEAD

May 3, 1933 - December 25, 2006

When I was in college, I remember a local radio station announcing "James Brown is Dead." I remember being distraught until I later learned that it was just the nonsensical title of a random song by L.A. Style. Even back then, with only a lone JB greatest hits CD in my collection (as opposed to countless albums today), I recognized the true genius and legend that is James Brown.

Determined not to risk him actually dying before I could see him perform, I eventually saw the Godfather live in concert. Way past his prime, in his 50s, he could still electrify a crowd in ways that I had never seen before. He still had his magical dance moves, his dramatic flair, and a knack for conducting the band in a way that suggested higher powers. Sure, there were plenty of cheesy moments reminiscent of a Vegas lounge show, but watching him put the sweatiest of passions behind his songs made it one of the greatest live shows I've ever attended.

After I heard him perform "Say It Loud (I'm Black and I'm Proud)", I had never been prouder to be black, until I remembered that I wasn't black. That sounds like a joke, but it's really not.

Without James Brown, I can't imagine music, as it exists today. There aren't many artists that I can say that about. The breakbeat of "Funky Drummer," alone, has spawned hours of music on my iPod, not to mention all the syncopated horn hits of the JB's, Maceo's solos, and Bootsy's bass lines that define funk/soul today.

This is a sad Christmas, for sure.



James Brown, the Genius of Love, the Godfather of Soul, R.I.P.

--Junichi

MY LIFE DISORIENTED: GET, UM, ORIENTED

on the third day of xmas, PBS gave to we...three beckys,
two azns and a goth dude without a goatee

For the first time since Margaret Cho's ill-fated All American Girl, there's an Asian American TV series in potential play: My Life Disoriented. Here's the breakdown:

"Life gets turned upside down for Kimberlee and Aimee Fung when their father decides to leave his well-paying corporate executive job in San Francisco and move the family to Bakersfield, CA. Moving in with grandparents and helping out with the family business, a massage parlor called “Touch of the Orient,” add to the remodeling of their lives. If the social pressure of starting at a new high school in the middle of the school year weren’t enough, Kimberlee and Aimee are among only a handful of Asian American kids at North High. They soon realize that every choice they make—from where to sit at lunch to what clubs to join—will determine where and if they fit in."

Some of our fave talents are involved including director Eric Byler (Charlotte Sometimes) and actor Dennis Dun (where has he been the last, you know, 15 years?) and PBS is going to give the ep its first run in the next week or so (it will be on in L.A. and S.F. on 12/26).

We haven't seen anything from this but youtube clips are here and here. We're probably just a little older than the target demographic (from the sound of it, this show sounds like My So-Called Life meets, um, uh, uh, well - this is the point, there IS no comparison with in the Asian American media world. Maybe if they're lucky enough to get picked up, Yul Kwon can guest.

--O.W.

DICTATORS GONE WILD

Licensed to Il

According to CBS News, Kim Jong-Il is a "party guy" who likes disco and girls, but tries to cut down on chocolate. Also, when he has a party, he likes to have his guests inebriated because he does not get down with "gloomy parties."

Hey, our nuclear testing was successful! Drink up, homies!

--Junichi

BEST QUOTES OF 2006

As part of my ongoing London Bridge with OCD, I wrote down all the outrageous, inspiring, offensive, enraging, insipid, bewildering, and/or hilarious statements made in 2006.

Here are my favorites ...


"Well, you know, this, too, will pass."
- Donald Rumsfeld, speaking on Rush Limbaugh's radio show in April about calls for his resignation

"You've taken me off my flight due to my taste in music? ... Where does it stop? What if I was wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt [or] odd socks, you know?"
- Harraj Mann, a 23-year-old cell-phone salesman of Indian descent, who spent his cab ride to the airport blasting the Clash's "London Calling" and Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." When the taxi driver reported these suspicious activities to the police, Mann was interrogated as a terrorist suspect for three hours.

"Bob Sherwood's seat [in Pennsylvania] would have been overwhelmingly ours, if his mistress hadn't whined about being throttled."
- Grover Norquist, head of Americans for Tax Reform

"Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
- President Bush to legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten

"My God is a God who wants me to have things. He wants me to bling!"
- Mary J. Blige

"Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that [they] had made a more progressive choice, like a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake."
- Michael Scott (Steve Carell), on finding out there is a black ex-con working for him, on The Office

"I probably did take my newfound freedom a little too far."
- Britney Spears, after being photographed in public with Paris Hilton and without underwear

"Winning isn't everything. It's just as important that we rub it in. Medal counts are a great, quantifiable way to say 'Yes, we're in an unpopular war, we're bitterly divided, and we're embroiled in scandal, but if you get all up in our bobsled grill, we'll bring the $%@# hammer down.'"
- Stephen Colbert, on the Winter Olympics

"Can we got on with this? I've got to do AIDS and Alzheimer's and land mines this afternoon, and I want to get back for Deal or No Deal. Plus, Gwyneth's making drumsticks."
- Coldplay's Chris Martin, waiting to do a charity spot, on Ricky Gervais' Extras

"[My cat] comes to me when she wants to be fed. And after I feed her -- guess what -- she's off to wherever she wants to be in the house, until the next time she gets hungry. She's smart enough to know she can't feed herself. She's actually a very smart cat. She gets loved. She gets adoration. She gets petted. She gets fed. And she doesn't have to do anything for it, which is why I say this cat's taught me more about women, than anything my whole life."
- Rush Limbaugh

[My] book describes the abominable oppression and persecution in the occupied Palestinian territories, with a rigid system of required passes and strict segregation between Palestine's citizens and Jewish settlers in the West Bank. An enormous imprisonment wall is now under construction, snaking through what is left of Palestine to encompass more and more land for Israeli settlers. In many ways, this is more oppressive than what blacks lived under in South Africa during apartheid."
- President Jimmy Carter, in a brave op-ed in the LA Times

Congressman Mark Foley (R-Fla.): "Do I make you a little horny?"
Teen: "A little."
Foley: "Cool."
- from the transcript of a sexually explicit IM chat Foley had with a 16-year-old male page

"Overly friendly."
- Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert's office's initial characterization of Mark Foley's emails

"[Louisiana Gov. Kathleen] Blanco and [New Orleans Mayor Ray] Nagin do not get along at all. People died because of that."
- Spike Lee, in the commentary track to the When The Levees Broke DVD

"Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me."
- Senator Trent Lott

"Hip-Hop is too easy for me."
- Timbaland

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."
- President George W. Bush, to CBS News Anchor Katie Couric

"I'd rather have your sister."
- Italian soccer player Marco Materazzi, before Zinédine Zidane rammed his head into Materazzi's chest at the World Cup final

"Son of a terrorist whore!"
- what forensic lip-reading “labial analysts” at the Daily Mail in London concluded that Materazzi said after scrutinizing the videotape

"You're putting words in my mouth, just the way you put artificial facts in your head."
- David Letterman to Bill O'Reilly

"He found it an interesting book and a quick read. I don't want to go too deep into it, but we discussed the origins of existentialism."
- White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, on President Bush reading Albert Camus' The Stranger during his summer vacation

"I'll be honest, I felt an urge to squeeze him like a kitten and that led to the gesture I made. There was nothing behind it really."
- Vladimir Putin, explaining why he approached a young boy in a group of tourists, lifted his shirt, and kissed his bare stomach

"He raped 10 women. I never expected it from him. He surprised all of us. We all envy him."
- Russian President Vladimir Putin, referring to rape allegations against Israeli President Moshe Kasav, during an appearance with Israeli Foreign Minister Ehud Olmert in which a microphone was inadvertently left on

"[Kevin Federline] got canned the same week as Donald Rumsfeld. History will recall K-Fed and D-Rum much the same. Both of them got in as fast as they could, but neither had a clue what to do inside. They both had a little trouble with staying power. They both spent loads of other people's money trying to hang onto a dumb idea. And neither one could dance."
- Rob Sheffield, in Rolling Stone

"Please prepare yourself for masturbation because next are international singing prostitutes, Pussycat Dolls!"
- Borat, introducing the Pussycat Dolls at the MTV Europe Music Awards

"I bought the $1,200 variety recently. It's great."
- Martha Stewart, referring to her vibrator, called the Thumper, on the Howard Stern Show on Sirius

"Here he's at the point of death. He was dividing God's land. ... For any prime minister of Israel who decides he's going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.'"
- Rev. Pat Robertson, suggesting that God was punishing Ariel Sharon (who had a stroke) for withdrawing from Gaza

"No, I don't have a gambling problem. I'm winning, and winning is not a problem. That's like saying Michael Jordan has a basketball problem, or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem."
- Earl (Jason Lee) on My Name Is Earl

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. ... It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States."
- Senator Rick Santorum, comparing the Iraq war to the Lord of the Rings

"I'm going to sexually molest your dog."
- Actress Natasha Lyonne, to Lyonne's former roommate's neighbor, according to a complaint filed by Lyonne's former roommate

"This city will be chocolate at the end of the day. ... This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be."
- New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin

"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about."
- New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, further explaining his chocolate city comment

"We still living in Katrina down here."
- Juvenile, on New Orleans, months after the Hurricane hit

"I love giving the golden shower. I've done it before in the shower. It's, like, so sexy."
- Ricky Martin

"I don't go hunting for celebrity babies. I have 116 other things to do, thank you, Billy. You need another job. I mean, you have potential as a human being. This may not be right for you. Seriously, can you focus on other things?"
- Jeremy Piven, to Billy Bush, who asked if Piven had met Violet Affleck or Suri Cruise, on the 2006 Emmy Red Carpet Special

"The reason why I'm here is definitely to find a husband. Hopefully, the Bachelor will be that guy because, quite frankly, my eggs are rotting."
- Allie G., on The Bachelor

"Naomi Campbell is being sued for abusing yet another housekeeper. In Naomi's defense, the maid had a lot of nerve walking around with her un-punched head."
- David Spade, on The Showbiz Show with David Spade

"I think it would take a lot for Asian hip-hop to become popular in the States for a variety of reasons. The first and biggest reason is that Americans are incredibly parochial about the kind of hip-hop that they like; as far as a lot of American rap fans are concerned, nothing outside of our borders matters. Not even Canada. And if Canadian rappers can’t even get any love, seriously, what hope does a kid out of Seoul or Shanghai or Manila or Jakarta really have about breaking into the States?"
- Oliver Wang, in an interview with APA Magazine

"I'm predicting that America will no longer be one nation but more like the Roman Empire--a conglomerate of races and cultures held together by a regime. The country I grew up in was culturally united, even if it was racially divided. We spoke the same language, had the same faith, laughed at the same comedians. We were one nationality. We're ceasing to be that when you have hundreds of thousands of people who want to retain their own culture, their own language, their own loyalty. What do we have in common that makes us fellow Americans? Is it simply citizenship? Or is it blood, soil, history and heroes?"
- Pat Buchanan, detailing his views on the harms of multiculturalism

"I wouldn't feel right wearing clothes covering my body."
- Christina Aguilera

"I learned this from a college graduate. She'd smoke a joint the night before a test, while she was studying, and then again in the morning and everything she had read would come right back. I tried this shit five times and I swear to God, I've never made less than a 92."
- Lil Wayne, a University of Houston student, giving advice on cramming for an exam

"Occasionally. One of the things I've used on the Google is to pull up maps. It's very interesting to see -- I've forgot the name of the program -- but you get the satellite, and you can -- like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It reminds me of where I wanna be sometimes."
- President George W. Bush, on being asked whether he uses Google, in an interview with CNBC's Maria Bartiromo

"Nobody appreciates their girlfriend until they get herpes from the next one."
- Johnny Drama (Kevin Dillon) on Entourage

"These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband's death so much."
- Ann Coulter, on the women whose husbands died on 9-11

"Clay's strong. He'll always come out on top."
- Ruben Studdard, asked by Entertainment Tonight about the scrutiny on Clay Aiken's sexuality

"[W]hat I feel like saying is, 'Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies.' ... I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way."
- CNN Headline News anchor Glenn Beck to Congressman Keith Ellison, the first Muslim ever elected to Congress

"I dealt with people like this for 20 years. They will get up every day. They will kill somebody and go have some chicken at KFC. You will catch them eating chicken and drinking a beer after they just murdered three people. Sean, these people are out there. They're all over the place."
- Former LAPD Detective Mark Fuhrman, on Hannity & Colmes

"Trust me, Bart ... It's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them."
- Milhouse to Bart, after Bart saw Homer and Marge getting busy, on The Simpsons

"I love inside jokes. I'd love to be part of one someday."
- Michael Scott (Steve Carell) on The Office

"We support your war of terror! ... May George Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq!"
- Borat, before a cheering rodeo audience

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #85

Worst Album Cover of 2006 Ever

This Week's Question:

From a pop culture/entertainment perspective, what would you most like to forget about from the year 2006?

--Junichi

NOT JUST THE MACACA OF THE YEAR

Tilting The Balance

Time magazine's choice of "You" as its Person of the Year is not only a lame cop-out, but about two years late.

Salon has a much better choice for its Person of the Year: Shekar Ramanuja Sidarth, the South Asian volunteer for Senator Jim Webb to whom former Senator Allen referred as "Macaca."

Sure, his happenstance stumble upon instant fame may make him the Indian American Forrest Gump of 2006.

But Sidarth didn't just tilt the balance of power in Congress with his camcorder; the article points out that he represents much more. And I approve of its message.

--Junichi

The RAP TOP 10

catch of the year?
Our friend Henry Adaso over at The Rap Up and About.com's hip-hop site put together the rappity rap equivalent of the annual Pazz and JopJackin' Pop poll. He contacted a dozen or so hip-hop bloggers including Cocaine Blunts' Noz, Nahright's Eskay and the B to the Izzo himself, Byron Crawford.

The results begin here but here's the list:

#10. AZ - The Format (Quiet Money)
#9. The Coup - Pick a Bigger Weapon (Epitaph)
#8. Jay-Z - Kingdom Come (Roc-a-Fella/Def Jam)
#7. Rhymefest - Blue Collar (J )
#6. T.I. - King (Atlantic)
#5. The Game - Doctor's Advocate (Geffen)
#4. Clipse - Hell Hath No Fury (ZLG)
#3. Lupe Fiasco - Lupe Fiasco's Food & Liquor (Atlantic)
#2. The Roots - Game Theory (Def Jam)
#1. Ghostface Killah - Fishscale (Def Jam)

---

A few surprises to me off that list: First of all, where is J-Dilla's Donuts? Not even at the bottom of the list? Really? Even amongst bloggers? Wow.

I wouldn't have expected to see the Lupe or Roots rank so high. I expected to see T.I.'s album go higher and seriously, what is Jay-Z doing anywhere near this list? (It is worth noting that no December albums, save for the Clipse, made the deadline cut-off which is why potential CDs like Young Jeezy's or Nas' weren't eligible for consideration.)

I wasn't able to get a list into Henry in time and even if I had, I wouldn't have ranked it. For me, 2006 offered very few "winners" though personally, I actually did think the Roots' Game Theory was an excellent album but consumers went right past it. I'd put the Jeezy album on there with no reservations. I might put on Nas' CD but only to complete a top 10 list. I also would have included the Outkast "soundtrack" despite legitimate flaws with it. Once I get over this cold, I'll try to put together a more extensive breakdown of the year in the music.

--O.W.

SOY HOMOSEXUAL

Got gay?

According to this article, soy causes boys to become gay.

I don't have enough any scientific knowledge to refute the author's claim that ingesting soy involves intaking mounds of estrogen, thereby suppressing a boy's "masculinity," and also leading to "a decrease in the size of the penis." But gimme a break. (I sho deserve it!) Oh, he also hints that soy is the cause of our nation's obesity problem. I wonder if soy also destroys the ozone layer and causes herpes.

The author cites to no authority to back up his claims, simply asserting that "[r]esearch is now showing that when you feed your baby soy formula, you're giving him or her the equivalent of five birth control pills a day."

I'm not sure who or what is behind this propaganda, but I'm guessing the answer begins with D and rhymes with "Hairy Industry."

Apparently, the "Got Milk?" campaign was too homoerotic and not effectively marketing to the homophobes of America.

FYI: I'm not linking to the article because I take it seriously, but because it's a hilarious read.

* * *

Perhaps now is a good time to share a random soy-related story.

When I was in Barcelona a few years ago, I entered a cafe -- and being completely sleep-deprived -- pondered ordering a mocha. Being lactose intolerant, like 98% of my Asian brethren, I inquired whether I could order the mocha with soy milk.

I asked in English, "I'd like a mocha if you can make it with soy milk."

The barista didn't speak English, so I asked, using my limited Spanish,"Yo quiero una copa de mocha. Tiene leche de soy?"

(I didn't know how to say "soy milk" in Spanish. And apparently "copa" is best translated as a "goblet," not a "cup.")

He said, "Si!"

I wanted to make sure. "Tiene soy leche?"

He replied, "Si!"

For good measure, I asked "Soy leche? Quiero una mocha con soy leche."

He insisted, "Si! Si!"

I then watched the barista make my mocha drink using regular milk, and not soy milk.

It was only after I left the cafe that I realized that my repeatedly emphasizing "Soy Leche!" translates in Spanish to "I Am milk!"

Obviously, the barista thought my command of Spanish was especially bad, which is true. But I was not a crazy American who was yelling "I am milk!"

--Junichi

BABA WAWA vs. JIGGA

Remember when Barbara Walters infamously asked Katherine Hepburn, "If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?"

I think this is better:

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #84

I refuse to get it right, two step, and let my shoulder lean

This Week's Question:

What is the worst song of 2006?

--Junichi

HIP-HOP'S DEATH KNELL? HOLD UP.

I turned to yesterday's LA Times and saw this piece: "In major awards, rap gets no love," which noted that, for the first time in six years, the Grammy Awards did not include any rap artists amongst its main categories for best albums or artist. Authors Geoff Boucher and Chris Lee opine:

"The Grammy snub caps a fairly miserable year for the rap scene. A look at the best-selling CDs of 2006 shows that only one rap album, T.I.'s "King," cracked the Top 20."

"There's been hand-wringing about whether all of that adds up to a music scene running low on fresh ideas or limping through a few sluggish seasons. Recording studio guru Rick Rubin, one of the most acclaimed names in contemporary music and a nominee Thursday for producer of the year, has helped shape rap since its early days. He said cycles of decline and rejuvenation are nothing new. A case in point: the arrival in the '80s of the incendiary L.A. rap group N.W.A. "Hip-hop was dead for me for a while and then N.W.A came along and knocked down the doors and completely changed what it could be and how far it could go," he said."

"[Ansel] Samuel, the editor at XXL magazine, said one reason may be that today's emphasis on quick-hit singles results in artistic standards that hang low. It's been the year of "silly stuff and disposable music," he said."

A few thoughts:

*Did I miss the point when people - especially those invested in hip-hop's status - actually gave a f--- about a Grammy? I cannot imagine a major cultural awards show that's more out of touch with contemporary trends, especially when it relates to hip-hop, as the Grammys. This is always been the case; the few cases where the Grammys actually "get it right," such as Lauryn Hill's award in 1999, seem like incredible flukes rather than any indication that the nominations committee has a remote sense of what's important in hip-hop. The snubbing of rap albums from this year's awards do, however, seem to reflect the other point the article was making: sales are down and that makes a difference in terms of what gets onto the Grammys radar.

*I think it is newsworthy to note how badly rap sales have fallen off in 2006. I do not, however, think this is indicative of any major trend simply because it's too early to make that call. As the article notes, a lot of big releases (Jay, Snoop, Game, Jeezy) were all pushed to the very end of the year. It is equally true too that there have been some real flops this year too: Cam'ron took a big L with Killa Season, Ghostface will likely go down as underselling not one but two CDs in the same year (much as I personally liked Fishscale and even More Fish), Rick Ross did decent numbers but didn't *ahem* hustle up that hard otherwise, and Outkast's Idlewild was overshadowed by the movie and both posted up middling numbers regardless. T.I.'s King now seems both parts prophetic and aspirational.

*Samuels' argument that this year held "silly stuff and disposable music" was either edited out of context or just a bad soundbite. That same criticism has been leveled at hip-hop since 1979, usually by people who are utterly disconnected from the music, and to hear rap editors repeating the same sentiment is unfortunate. It mostly just sounds like a slap at Southern rap (read b/t the lines) as well as "Chicken Noodle Soup," and sure - there were some silly fads this year but there are every year. "Disposable music" hardly does justice to explaining what's actually happening...assuming there is something happening besides an "off" year.

*The Rick Rubin quotes cracked me up since I'm trying to figure out how it is that Rubin thought hip-hop was dead when the two years leading up to N.W.A. produced everything from Run DMC's Raising Hell to Eric B and Rakim's Paid In Full to Boogie Down Productions' Criminal Minded.

--O.W.

TIMES HAVE CHANGED

This story had been forwarded to me and even though it's 2.5 years old, it's still an...amusing essay on the "new" state of interracial relationships (specifically, between Asian men and White women). I remember the days when the main issue was how no one wanted to date Asian men but now, apparently, it's us who are racist because we're not open-minded enough to date White women.

Huh? What? Is this bizarro world?

Speaking of bizarro...what's up with that accompanying image from the story (above)? I think the slanty eyes would have been enough to signify race without needing to throwing the Chinese flag in the background (especially since the author herself is talking about mostly Asian American men).

--O.W.

LOST AND FOUND

This would be a terrible story under any circumstance, but now that I have a wife and kid, I feel it in the gut that much worse. This has to be one of the worst things I could imagine any family to ever have to suffer through:

"Lost dad found dead in wilderness."

This LA Times story, though not updated with news of Kim's death, provides more background on what happened.

--O.W.

WHAT TO READ

You Won't Believe Your Eyes

If you have nothing better to do than to get your blood boiling, here are some things to read, in order from infuriating to aggravating:

• Conservative columnist and talk show host Dennis Prager has sparked a small online movement by suggesting that Minnesota Congressman-Elect Keith Ellison, the first (!) Muslim elected to the House of Representatives, should not be allowed to take his oath on the Koran because "the act undermines American civilization." I hate giving bigots any extra traffic but it's good to remind ourselves what ignorance sounds like.

• "The Manifesto of Ascendancy for the Modern American Nigger" by John Ridley - this month's Esquire features a well-written, thought-provoking, and ultimately frustrating focus on "the new Black America" and the seven days when two black people ruled the world.

• "Borat: The Memo" by George Saunders - I still submit that Sacha Baron Cohen's characters all serve, in large part, as a subtle and subversive mechanism to unearth other's racism, homophobia, intolerance, and ignorance. In my opinion, those arguing that Borat is a cruel version of Candid Camera or that it's a minstrel show debasing people from Kazakhstan aren't getting the point. But then again, George Saunders cleverly raises some painful counterpoints.
  

• Killing Habeas Corpus by Jeffrey Toobin - In this week's New Yorker, Toobin sheds light on the political backdrop behind the passage of the Military Commissions Act of 2006, a dreadful piece of legislation that empowers the White House to declare any alien an enemy combatant, indefinitely detain him, and forbid him from using our courts to challenge his incarceration. He does this mainly by focusing on how Senator Specter severed his own balls.
  

• "Ten Fallacies About the Violence in Iraq" by John Tirman - I'm not sure how credible or objective Tirman is, but his list certainly bolsters my hunch that McCain's plan to send 30,000 additional troops to Iraq is only inviting further disaster and death.

Finally, on a somewhat lighter note:

• "The Terror Alert Levels: A Brown Person's Guide" - RT Sehgal

--Junichi

NUDE PHOTOS UNRELATED TO BRITNEY SPEARS

It's Getting Hot Down Herre

When Google first introduced its satellite maps, I had difficulty articulating exactly what about the technology made me uncomfortable.

Today, I can, at least, say the following: I do not want my naked body visible from space.

The picture above appears to be an actual satellite photo of some man or man-like person tanning his birthday suit -- available for public viewing on Google Earth.

Granted, the resolution is not high enough to see his religion. But still, the Google Sightseeing webpage has already put up a list of Top 10 Naked People on Google Earth.

--Junichi