QUESTION OF THE WEEK #67

Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Cars

This Week's Question:

You are in charge of compiling music for a soundtrack to be used in a new action movie. What existing song will you use to score the scene with a fast-paced car chase?

--Junichi

WOW

Just go there. It is unspeakably amazing on so many levels, it defies description. And yeah, it's safe for work. But it might still melt your mind.

(Source: Soulstrut)

--O.W.

LATEST SEARCH TERMS THAT LED TO POPLICKS

Pantyhose for lesbians?

I really, really, really try hard to ignore what search terms people use on Google / Yahoo! / MSN to get to this website. But sometimes, I just can't get the monkey off my back.

Below are some of the more unusual search terms that somebody typed into a search engine to get here.

Note that none of these phrases ever appeared, as is, on Poplicks.

• Lance Bass circumcised
• zoo mating
• i did it all for the chewy
• Lesbians in pantyhose
• honor in oriental adventures
• poke someone
• licks dad son
• anal gems women with men
• cyndi wang discography
• japanese people are kinky
• high school nympho pict
• black wang george
• steve perry rabbit porn
• bigg butt dancers
• Netherlands black man sumo wrestler
• the best sex positions ever
• show black albino people
• suicide death of country singer's wife in 2005
• LL Cool J penis size
• Holland's 320 pound women
• dead children

Although I shudder to think what Journey's former lead singer is videotaping these days, that last search get my vote for most disturbing.

--Junichi

TRIPLE DIGIT TEMPERATURES & TRIPLE DIGIT DEATHS

The only good heatwave

My hometown of Hanford, California made the New York Times today as it is one of the many agricultural towns in the Central Valley cooked by the current heatwave, which has now taken the lives of over 100 Californians.

The Times reports that coroners are double-stacking bodies in Fresno, where it hit a high of 112 degrees today. Not surprisingly, the casualties were mostly elderly people and/or field workers, both of whose deaths tend not to alarm the masses.

I admit I was more shocked to read that 16,500 cows have croaked as a result of the record heat. I'd make a cheap spoiled milk or overcooked beef joke if the thought of 16,500 dead cows weren't so disturbing.

One would think that this is an obvious reminder of the growing catastrophe that is global warming and a call for tougher environmental standards. But from my perspective, the Central Valley has vociferously opposed greater government regulation of the environment because of the powerful farm and agricultural interests there.

I wonder how many deaths -- human or bovine -- are necessary before the San Joaquin Valley starts shifting toward greener political pastures.

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #66

Westboro Baptist Church member near military funeral

This Week's Question:

Should the First Amendment give Rev. Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church members the right to picket outside military funerals with signs that say 'Thank God for Dead Soldiers' and 'No Fags in Heaven'?


Background:

Perhaps the most notorious homophobe in the world, Rev. Fred Phelps and his church followers (largely comprised of his family members) believe that 9/11, the deaths of American soldiers in Iraq, and Hurricane Katrina are all a result of God's hatred of gays and lebsians and America's alleged tolerance of homosexuality and adultery.

Phelps and his clan are currently spending most of their time attending the funerals of American soldiers. They typically stand immediately outside the cemetery, hold signs (see photo above), and yell that the soldier is in hell.

Congress, as well as numerous states like Missouri, has recently passed legislation banning these protests outside military funerals. The bills essentially bar any form of picketing in or within several hundred feet of the cemetery from an hour before to an hour after a military funeral. (Note that most of these bills only ban protesters from military funerals, but not funerals of non-military gays and lesbians, which Phelps also frequents.)

The ACLU has filed a lawsuit in defense of Phelps, claiming these laws infringe upon his religious and free speech rights.

--Junichi

TWO PERSPECTIVES ON THE MIDDLE EAST CONFLICT

By sheer coincidence, over the course of the last week, I was contacted by two former students of mine: Tim F. and Ray N. Both of them were responding to Junichi's "Bombs over Lebanon" post though were addressing different aspects of the conflict, how it's being reported, etc. I thought it'd be interesting to share - with their permission - what each has to say.

I should be clear: these are NOT meant to be two contrasting views on a single issue. Tim is largely discussing the racial politics of how "new" warfare are being thrown around in this current - and similar - conflicts while Ray's is much more of a personal report from inside Israel where he's been studying the last few months. I am not cross-posting these as a debate between the two but their timing seemed serendipitous enough to pair them together.

Neither I - nor Junichi - necessarily endorse the opinions that either author is making. We are putting these out here for consideration and what I expect to be a healthy discussion.

CONTINUE READING...

---

From Tim F.:

I had some thoughts for you on how ethnic studies ties in to the counter-terrorism discourse. This is sort of a rough outline, mostly because I'm still figuring it out for myself. I apologize if it is not clearly elucidated.

The thesis of this email to you is that in the rush to figure out the changing nature of conflict, some commentators/strategists have developed a descriptive framework (which they call 4th Generation War--more on that in a minute) that while accurately depicting what we're seeing in Israel/Lebanon/Iraq also begins to draw some extraordinarily misinformed and downright creepy inferences about the nature of identity. More or less they adopt an essentialist/ethnic nationalist viewpoint that western civilization and "Christendom" are under siege from evil non-white/non-Christian hordes. Taken to its logical conclusion in American domestic politics, this discourse will justify a movement to eliminate the culture of everyone who is not a right wing Christian Nationalist, in the name of fighting terrorism.

One of the big discussions right now in the security community is about the changing nature of war. The view by some is that the advantages of Western militaries in terms of bigger guns, planes, tanks etc are mitigated by the rise of non-state actors (Al Qaeda, Hezbollah etc) that are guerrillas and refuse to fight on what we used to call the conventional battlefield, i.e. Saving Private Ryan. The US, Israeli, British etc militaries train and plan to fight on the conventional battlefield. One of the frameworks for understanding unconventional war is called "4th Generation Warfare", and here's a bit from the wikipedia entry: " Fourth Generation wars are characterized by a blurring of the lines between war and politics, soldier and civilian, peace and conflict, battlefield and safety. "

Basically 4GW means fighters without uniforms, refusing to fight pitched battles but instead attacking state militaries through indirect means, such as the infamous IED's, diversionary attacks, attacks on infrastructure targets (power stations, water, financial centers) to destroy a the state's internal cohesiveness. The theory is that small groups are empowered via the internet, powerful laptops etc that allow them to punch above their weight. 4GW fighters will seek to attack their opponent at its weakest points, instead of meeting head on. States can play the 4GW card as well, but that's beyond the scope of this email.

Enough about the theory. Where does it intersect with identity and ethnic studies? The argument is that in the 4GW framework the conflict is between the state and non-state actors trying to undermine social cohesiveness. The giant leap that some influential theorists take is that they argue that the solution to the challenge is to ensure cohesiveness of the state by forcibly solidifying a monoculture. I think you can see exactly why that is troubling. Bill Lind was probably the first guy to coin the term 4GW and you can read one of his screeds against multiculturalism here.

I'm not a big fan of Marxism, but the sheer paranoia displayed in the essay is breathtaking. Lind is good I think on the strategic and tactical level, and dangerously wrong when he veers off to discuss civil society and the role of culture. Lind has some audience in the military-- he helped write the book on armored warfare for the Marine Corps in the 80s.

What's disturbing to me is the level to which Lind and his fellow travelers fail to understand the very real experiences of non-white communities with oppression and domination by the mainstream of American or, "western" culture. It's as if we don't count in their worldview.

It never occurs to Lind and most of the other 4GW theorists I've read, that culture can change, or that Americans could construct our own identity that takes in to account differing views.

It's as if Lind cannot grasp that the effort to create the monoculture in fact creates the climate of pervasive humiliation that leads to exactly the rise of the ethnic nationalist/religious identities which the monoculture proponents want to eliminate. I don't know if you've ever read the bios of Mohammed Atta and the other 9/11 attackers, but what jumps out at me is that they many were well educated guys who had lived in the west. Some conservative commentators have pointed to this as proof that terrorism isn't caused by poverty, but by some kernel of evil within Islam. When I read the bios, however, what came through to me were two things, identity crisis and alienation. Atta unfortunately chose to fill that vacuum with fundamentalist Islam and we know how that turned out. It's all about dealing with perceived humiliation.

In the end I think the solution to the problem of asymetric warfare, etc comes in finding ways for people to reconcile their different identities with one another, in a way that doesn't end in a violence. Thus, scholars like you are actually in an ideal spot to examine these emergent phenomena. The security policy/strategy analysts, are completely out of their depth when it comes to discussions of culture and identity.

---

From Ray N.:

Before the soldier kidnappings, I was staunchly Pro-Palestinian. Based on what I had learned in college, I viewed the conflict as that of David and Goliath. In my mind, Palestinians armed with rocks played the part of revolutionaries while Israel, with its tanks and missiles, assumed the role of military behemoth. I assumed that the sole goal of the Palestinians was to be left alone so they could build their own independent state. I figured most Israelis were in support of settlers and wanted nothing more than to extend further into the Palestinian territories.

However, since I got here[Israel] about two months ago, I've come more to the middle. My original conceptions were a little too simple, grounded more in things I heard at college rallies than from talking to people who actually live in the area. Most Israelis I've talked to do not favor expansion or the settlers. All in all, they say they would very much like to lead a quiet life and have things cool off. This has become even more apparent as a number of the scientists I work with are being called up to serve in the military action in Lebanon. These are people who have families and children, who have not been soldiers or had to assume a soldier’s mentality for years. I believe their wish to live their life uninterrupted is sincere and I sympathize with them.

From talking to people I've come to the realization that a lot of what I am used to thinking is somewhat idealistic. The big thing I've come to realize is that it is not everyone's goal to be left alone. Shortly after getting here, I got into a discussion about the first kidnapped soldier with one of my colleagues that had been in the IDF. He told me he was surprised how jaded he had become in so short a time. Regarding Hamas, he said, “You cannot reason with them. They do not fight for reason, they are fighting for God. Before, I was very much for peace. I would have said anyone who wanted to fight the Arabs was ignorant and racist. But after being here so long, after so many attacks and being at war for so long, I changed. I just want peace, but they do not want to just be left alone.”

I think this was my major misconception. Being from the US, I assumed it would be enough for both sides to go tit for tat until deciding they're even, because I thought that everyone’s natural goal is to live and work and be left alone. That is why I have always assumed peace was possible. But that is not the case for everyone here. For Islamic extremists, the goal is to destroy the state of Israel. I used to write this idea off as propaganda spread by Israel to advance their foreign policy, but a lot of what I've heard and seen here suggests it is more true than I previously thought. And the idea of Hamas or other governments actually wanting to destroy Israel (and not just using it as rhetoric to find approval with the masses) is a very scary thing to consider, because it is a goal that cannot end in compromise and a conflict that time cannot resolve. It is a conflict that can only end when one side completely destroys the other.

Beyond the religious basis for the conflict, there also seems to be a strong socio-economic basis for it as well. The Palestinian state seems horribly disorganized, and I can understand how people that are unemployed and living in poverty would not be content to just live their lives. I understand why people living in such these conditions could be swayed by groups like Hamas to want to fight their relatively rich and close neighbors/employers (especially since Israel seems to be at least partially responsible for the economic inequity of the Palestinian state). Given that Hamas has long been a provider of social services to a large portion of the state, it seems all the more reason why they (and their rhetoric) are so popular.

What is perhaps most surprising for me is that I've come to kind of appreciate the IDF more and have found myself agreeing with their actions far more than I ever would have expected. Being that I am staying in Israel, I realize that this is somewhat hypocritical, like hating the police until you become a homeowner in a bad neighborhood and suddenly want cops driving around hassling people. But I am now more appreciative of their position. I had originally thought the invasion into Gaza after the first kidnapping was overly aggressive. I objected to people who said that the IDF needed to react strongly, that only refusing to negotiate and using military force would dissuade future kidnappings. This all sounded remniscient of Republican war-hawk rhetoric to me, and I was firmly against it until the second group of soldiers was kidnapped. At that point, I realized how easy it is to kidnap soldiers (or even citizens) and if it were seen as advantageous at all, there’d be no end to it. This is what war is like.

I also have a newfound and palpable sense of the risk I am in being in Israel, so I appreciate that the IDF is reducing Hezbollah's ability to shell Haifa (I was there about 3 weeks ago). I realize that it's hard for them. Despite their claims of aiming only at military targets, Hezbollah and Hamas have been firing rockets at civilian targets for over a month now. Before the Gaza invasion, the international community was not incensed about this, it's kind of just accepted as what Hamas and Hezbollah do. Conversely, the scrutiny that the IDF has been under has been substantial. Granted, much of this criticism is deserved; the IDF has destroyed a lot of the infrastructure (such as power and water plants) in Lebanon and Gaza, thereby hurting many civilians. Missiles have missed their targets and hit civilians. But sadly, that is the nature of war. And it's still amazing to me that Israel is largely being portrayed in the international community as being overly aggressive when they are essentially responding to kidnappings of its soldiers and attacks on its own civilians. While I can see why critics would favor diplomacy here, I do not think Israel can afford to have a non-forceful response. The failure of diplomacy would lead to more kidnappings and more missiles from Israel’s borders. And for a small and isolated country, that is a failure that they cannot afford.

--O.W.

CEASE AND DESIST

•"More Than a Cease-Fire Needed" (NYT)

•How the current conflict plays into a political chess game within the Islamic world, plus a discussion of Hezbollah's history and ambitions. (NPR's Fresh Air)

•Daily Show's irreverent yet poignant comparison of how Israel used to deal with hostage crises. (Salon.com)

--O.W.

ONLY HUMAN

Born to make mistakes

Given that my wife and I continue to struggle absorbing the horrific news bleeding out of the Middle East, I had a difficult time persuading her to go see the new film Only Human as it focuses, in part, on the Israel-Palestine conflict. As you might imagine, this movie sounded like the exact opposite of the escapist entertainment that she needed.

But after reading her numerous reviews that explained that Only Human is a slapstick comedy -- and one seemingly devoid of bias -- I managed to convince her to go see it. However, she threatened castration if the movie upset her more.

Quite frankly, I was nervous since nobody I trust had yet to vouch for this movie. But thankfully, I didn't have to be castrated. In fact, the movie was so entertaining and expertly crafted that I forgot about my genitals being on the chopping block a few minutes into the film.

Only Human is a Spanish comedy with a romantic setup we've seen many times: girl brings boy home, girl's family doesn't like boy, girl's family comes to like boy. (E.g., Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, Meet The Parents, etc.) This version centers around a Jewish woman from Madrid who introduces her fiance to her family without warning them that he's of Palestinian origin.

This film manages to stand out, however, because it succeeds in attempting what seems impossible: (1) creating a wacky and farcical slapstick comedy that (2) wrings humor out of the current tensions between Jews and Palestinians and (3) takes the conflict seriously, while (4) managing to remain respectful to both sides/cultures.

This movie is easy to love since most of the humor is universal and the comic timing is impeccable. Mass mayhem emanates from offbeat characters like the woman's newly-Orthodox brother, her slutty sister, her senile grandfather, and her overwrought mother who delivers great one-liners like "There will be peace in Israel before your father gives me an orgasm!"

While most of the film is a standard slapstick channeling the spirit of Woody Allen's best films, the script addresses real issues like racial profiling. Most notably, a climactic scene involves a tense debate over the history of Israel and Palestine. Yet, despite the fact that it "goes there," the movie manages to be neither anti-Arab nor anti-Semitic. Indeed, I submit the overwhelming majority of Jewish and Arab people would dig this flick.

You won't gain any insight into the Israeli-Palestinian conflict from Only Human, but you'll leave believing that one couple can overcome long odds to co-exist and one filmmaking duo can overcome even longer odds to create a spectacular movie from a premise that sounds like one of the worst ideas in the history of cinema.

I highly recommend everyone see this flick -- easily, one of the best films of 2006.

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #65

It's only a gambling problem if you're losing.

This Week's Question:

Should the federal government prioritize the enforcement of laws banning onling gambling?


Background: Last week, the House approved a bill that would forbid the use of American credit cards in onling poker and other forms of cyber-gambling. Meanwhile, federal officials are cracking down on executives of online gambling companies, which are forbidden from accepting bets in the United States. The enforcement push stems, in part, from the rising numbers of young people drawn to internet gambling, which has mushroomed into a $12 billion industry.

--Junichi

BOMBS OVER LEBANON

A Lebanese child unseen in most American newspapers

I've spent a week trying to write about the new tragedies and travesties in Lebanon and Israel. Under any circumstance, I'd be depressed from the endless cycle of violence, angry with Hezbollah, and especially outraged at the complete over-reaction of the Israeli military, which continues to indiscriminately bomb civilian targets in Lebanon without any clear military objective.

But it's especially difficult for me to hear the news since much of my wife's family is in Lebanon; her grandmother is stuck in Syria, unable to get back home.

Regardless, the latest attacks are an unmitigated disaster of unconscionable proportions from any angle.

Let's be clear: Hezbollah's kidnapping Israeli soldiers and initial attack on one of Israel's military targets were reprehensible.

But Israel's response continues to be wildly disproportionate, violative of international law, and against the interests of its own people, assuming Israel's long-term goal is to ensure lasting peace and security in the region. I'd compare Israel's latest actions to someone with a bad temper seeking vindictive justice, if it weren't for the gravity of the mounting death toll and the fact that Israel has nukes in its holster, which makes the analogy just as incongruous as their counteroffensive.

Olmert is engaged in prolonged indiscriminate punishment, refusing to distinguish between innocent civilians and Hezbollah militants. Contrary to what American newsheads say, he is not engaged in tit-for-tat warfare, most obviously evidenced by the fact that 140 Lebanese civilians have died, compared to 24 Israelis, only 12 of whom are civilians. Update: at least 292 Lebanese people -- overwhelmingly civilians -- have died, compared to 25 in Israel. Many Israelis have taken shelter underground, but almost 100,000 Lebanese people have had to flee and take refuge elsewhere.

At this point, I doubt Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert cares much about the two kidnapped Israeli soldiers that started this war.

I'd like to believe Israel doesn't have plans for a ground campaign and a new occupation, but I am especially skeptical after Israel just rejected Kofi Annan's call for a UN international monitoring force to be deployed in Lebanon.

I don't deny that the Lebanese government bears some responsibility for Hezbollah's actions. But attacking all of Lebanon for Hezbollah's actions is equivalent to attacking all United States citizens for crimes committed by gangs or Mafia located within our border. Or, if you prefer, it's equivalent to attacking all Iraqi citizens for the crimes of Iraqi insurgents.

The bottom line is that when the Israeli military is engaging in a complete aerial, land, and sea blockade of Lebanon -- by bombing the airport, burning bridges (literally and figuratively), and cutting the Lebanese off from food and water -- I can't imagine any other result than further radicalization and growing numbers of extremists on both sides.

This escalating war is especially tragic since Lebanon has been steadily rebuilding its country since the last Israeli occupation and has become the hot poster child for democracy in the Middle East. This 2005 Economist Magazine cover speaks volumes. This progress has practically vanished in a matter of seven days.

Even from the vantage point of the United States, George Bush is clearly worsening this country's security by defending Israel's assaults. His position -- which is that one country has the right to do whatever the hell it wants in order to protect itself from the abstract idea of "terrorism" -- only further confirms our arrogance in the eyes of those who hate us. His focus on 'who started it' is not only sophomoric and embarrassing, it's wrong and an invitation for others to "bring it on."

Just in case I've lost you, I ask you consider the following:

Imagine if the Zapatista Army in Chiapas kidnapped two American border patrol guards and fired rockets into Del Rio, Texas. Would the United States have the right to defend itself against the rebels? Absolutely. Would the US be justified in bombing the Mexico City airport, preventing all Mexicans from traveling, cutting off food distribution to Mexico, and engaging in a bombing campaign that targeted civilian areas not known to be occupied by the Chiapas rebels? Hell to the no. In fact, we'd be in clear violation of international law.

There are obviously other complicated cans of worms I could open that involve Palestine, Iran, Syria, and the United States' war on Iraq, but I'll stop here for now.

--Junichi

DID KEN LAY COMMIT SUICIDE?

The Final Lay-off

I hate to sound like one of the nuts in the blogosphere, spouting off unsubstantiated Ken Lay conspiracy theories devoid of merit or validity. (See image above.)

But at the risk of being dismissed as insane in the membrane, I do believe there is a serious possibility that Ken Lay committed suicide.

Consider the following: In Texas, when a defendant croaks before he has had a chance to appeal, his conviction gets wiped from the books. (For those who expect proper legal citation, see United States v. Estate of Parsons, 367 F.3d 409, 413 (5th Cir. 2004).) Lay was a well-informed man and probably knew about this rule, known as the abatement doctrine.

Since Lay died before his sentencing and before he could appeal, he, therefore, died an innocent man.

Indeed, even though he was found "hella guilty" (legal term of art) and the chances of his conviction being overturned were "hella slim" (more legal jargon, sorry), the law treats him as if he was never charged or convicted of anything.

Consequently, Enron prosecutors won't be able to collect the $43.5 million of his personal assets that it sought in forfeiture claims filed last week. Instead, Mrs. Lay, whose first name may or may not be Frito, gets to keep it.

So now put yourself in the Lay-man's shoes:

1. You are a 64-year-old facing a long prison sentence with little chance of winning an appeal.
2. Your name will be forever associated with corporate fraud and none of your friends want to be associated or seen with you.
3. The government will soon wipe out your personal fortune by seizing $43.5 million of your personal assets through forfeiture hearings. And both the government and civil litigants are hoping to take your home and other assets too.
   
4. If you die now, on the other hand, you have a chance to ensure that the $43.5 million in assets stays with your family -- ensuring that they never have to lift a finger for the rest of their lives.
5. If you die now, civil litigants will also have a much harder chance touching those assets, because there is no conviction. Moreover, they can't get punitive damages against dead defendants.
6. If you die now, nobody can take your $1.5 million luxury apartment under the Homestead Act so long as your wife, the widow, is the primary occupant.
   
7. You already have coronary heart problems, which would cause nobody to be suspicious if you "suddenly" died from an induced heart attack.

Given all that, wouldn't you kill yourself?

Of course, just because Ken Lay had every motive and incentive to kill himself doesn't mean he did it.

But if he did, the former Enron CEO just left this world with the last laugh, surpassing the dastardly deeds of all villains, real or otherwise.

Ken Lay. He may be evil, but he's good.

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #64

Front row view: For rich people only?

This Week's Question:

What do you think of Ticketmaster's practice of selling certain concert tickets via an auction, which reserves the best seats in the house for the highest bidder?

--Junichi

WHITE IS COMING

PlayStation for the Aryan Nation?

In case you haven't heard about it elsewhere, the billboard above is from Sony's advertising campaign for its new "White" Playstation Portable. As of now, the ad -- featuring the tagline, "White is Coming" -- has only reared its inflammatory head in Amsterdam.

If Sony's goal is to court attention, they have undoubtedly succeeded with this provocative set of images featuring a white-haired, white-dressed, whiter-than-white woman (a term of art in the advertising world) dueling with a black-haired, black-clothed, blacker-than-black woman (another marketing term).

If these two models could produce offspring, I'm guessing their child would look just like X-Men's Storm, as played by Halle Berry.

But I digress. I doubt we'll see these "White is coming" ads in the United States, where they would ignite racial hysteria and cause riots, if not for the fact that we're all too apathetic from playing with our Playstations.

Nonetheless, I say Sony gets the Gas Face for such poor marketing. "White is Coming" might be too subtle for some. Why not make the message clearer?

---

Oliver's Addendum: Sorry to hitchhike onto this thread but it's so unbelievable that it bears some additional comments. I'm amazed that there are people out there defending these ads as, "harmless personfication of the handheld console's two available colours." Seriously, gimme a %$#!! break. I'm not sure in what part of the world the image of that billboard won't be read as some kind of commentary on race, regardless of the Playstation color scheme context or not.

Provided, I've never been to the Netherlands, but as early as 1983, researchers were noting that Dutch society was starting to suffer from tensions arising with the arrival of large waves of immigrants from Surinam and the Antilles (both former Dutch colonies). It may not be America but I hardly think race is invisible so the image of black and white woman confronting each other in various poses of domination are hardly innocent of any extended meaning.

That said, as my friend/colleague David Leonard would no doubt note: it opens up a great conversation into the dynamics of race, sex and gender within video games, a topic that we should be spending far more time contemplating.

--Junichi

CHAPPELLE'S BACK

The "Lost Episodes" are uneven, to be sure, but this skit wasn't bad at all (Tupac humor = timeless).

--O.W.

WHO SAYS SOCCER IS BORING?

Actually, this remix is pretty damn funny.

And at the end of the day, no matter how much sh-- Zidane is going to get (quite deservedly methinks), it might still pale compared to just how badly the English hate Cristiano Ronaldo.

--O.W.

RECIPE FOR JUNICHI'S RICE-A-RONI BALLS

The modified San Francisco Treat

For a themed potluck I attended yesterday, I was instructed to bring a dish that reminds me of my childhood. Two things came to mind: (1) rice balls, a common Japanese staple also known as onigiri or omusubi; and (2) Rice-A-Roni, which culinary experts refer to as the San Francisco Treat.

While pondering which one to prepare for the dinner, I had a rare flash of brilliance: combine the two into one.

After some trial and error, I perfected the process and can finally contribute to the world of Pan-Asian fusion.

Here is the recipe for Junichi's Rice-A-Roni Balls, which is quite obvious if you already know how to make regular rice balls:

Ingredients:

• One box of Rice-A-Roni, preferably chicken flavored
• One packet of nori (seaweed) designed for making sushi or rice balls
• Salt
• Furikake seasoning or roasted sesame seeds (optional)
• Saran wrap
  

Instructions:

1. Make the Rice-A-Roni. Be sure not to overcook or burn. Also, when you put the seasoning into the boiling water, don't put the foil seasoning packet itself into the pot.
   
2. Wash your hands and keep them wet so that the rice doesn't stick to them.
   
3. Pinch some salt over your palms.
4. Place a handful of the Rice-A-Roni into one hand and use the other to press and pack the clump together. Be sure to do this before the rice cools.
5. Keep shaping until all grains adhere to each other. Bundle the rice until you get a triangular-shaped rice ball. You can make other shapes, but triangles taste the best. (FYI: there are plastic onigiri molds found at your local Asian grocer that can make this task easier. Saran Wrap might also aid the process, if you find it hard to pack and shape.)
6. For extra flavoring, sprinkle some furikake seasoning packets or roasted sesame seeds over the rice.
7. After heating some appropriately-sized sheets of nori over a frying pan on low heat for a minute, wrap your ball in the sheet of seaweed.
   
8. Serve immediately or wrap each ball in Saran wrap. (The wrap traps the moisture and helps the seaweed and rice ball to stay together.)
9. Repeat until you've used all the rice.
10. Stick 'em in your mouth and suck 'em.

If they aren't delicious, you did something wrong.

Did I just lose my Asian pass?

--Junichi

AMTRAK AND GRANNY CRACK

Septuagenarians Gone Wild!

Yesterday was one of the O.C.'s -- my home county's -- yearly highlights: the annual Mooning of Amtrak event that takes place every July at the Mugs Away Saloon in Laguna Niguel. Although it's not organized in any formal way, an amazing 5000 people turned out to order the Moons Over My Amtrak.

This event isn't just for young pranksters of the Laguna Beach reality show generation. As you can see from the photo of 72-year-old Carol Wichenheisser above, the event attracts people from all, um, ends of the human spectrum.

The idea is pretty simple. For an entire day, a diverse squadron of mild exhibitionists line up along a fence outside the saloon and flash the Amtrak trains that go by. That's it.

It's become such a popular local ritual that sometimes people ride the trains in order to reciprocate the gluteal nudity. In fact, if you wanted a seat on any of yesterday's trains, you had to buy tickets a long time ago -- they've been sold out for many moons.

I've even seen a picture of the rear of a man who was driving one of the Amtrak trains. Not only did he put the loco in locomotive, he effectively provided future plaintiffs their Exhibit A in any lawsuit against Amtrak for negligence, vehicular manslaughter, or all-around craptacularness.

This illuminating ritual started back in July 1979 when a drunkard named K.C. Smith offered free drinks to anyone in the bar who would moon the next train to pass the saloon. This became an annual tradition and Mugs Away just celebrated its 27th anniversary of inebriated arse-airing.

Bottoms up!

--Junichi

AMERICA: LAND OF LIBERTY STUPID IDEAS

That's not Photoshop. That's real. As noted in the article, one Memphis local commented: "I can't see anything wrong with it. This is the Bible Belt."

Just saying: if you're going to pass an amendment banning flag burning, there needs to be a sub-clause for dumb !@#$ like this. (That said, it is a striking visual remix. Lady Liberty looks like she's about to smote some fools with that cross).
(Source: Soulstrut.com)

--O.W.

THE RACE WAR IN IRAQ?

This is Matt Buschbacher. He is now a Navy Seal.

As if the United States does not already suffer from an international image problem, I learned from the NY Times about a frightening report by the Southern Poverty Law Center of how "recruiting shortfalls caused by the war in Iraq have allowed 'large numbers of neo-Nazis and skinhead extremists' to infiltrate the military."

The SPLC report includes a chronicle of Matt Buschbacher, a Neo-Nazi leader in the National Alliance. The photo, above, is of him attending a Kentucky skinhead festival known as the Imperial Klans of America's Nordic Fest in May 2000. I hope I haven't missed Nordic Fest 2006!

Buschbacker is now a Navy Seal, fighting in Iraq. According to the SPLC, he stayed active in the Neo-Nazi movement during his military service, without any repercussions.

When President Bush said this war on terrorism would be a "crusade," apparently Matt Buschbacher took his words at face value. I will attempt to refrain from making a cheap joke about the fact that Matt's last name sounds a lot like "Bush-backer."

This SPLC report might very well be sensationalized and the extent of white supremacist recruiting may be over-exaggerated. But military investigators apparently found Aryan Nations graffiti in Baghdad. And according to Scott Barfield, a Department of Defense investigator, the number of extremists are "well into the thousands, just in the Army."

Here is the most alarming quote from Barfield in the report:

Recruiters are knowingly allowing neo-Nazis and white supremacists to join the armed forces, and commanders don't remove them from the military even after we positively identify them as extremists or gang members. ... [Recruiters] don't want to make a big deal again about neo-Nazis in the military, because then parents who are already worried about their kids signing up and dying in Iraq are going to be even more reluctant about their kids enlisting if they feel they'll be exposed to gangs and white supremacists.

Assuming this is true, I find it infuriating that the military -- so desperate for more bodies to fight this war -- would knowingly recruit and retain active white supremacists, but dismiss soldiers who happen to love another person of the same gender.

No doubt, the report certainly casts the torture in Abu Ghraib, the civilian massacre in Haditha, and the deaths in Guantanamo in an even darker light.

Have we reached the bottom yet?

--Junichi

EMMY NOMINATIONS

After CSI:Bakersfield gets picked up

While I waver on this point, I am still prepared to argue that we are in the golden age of television.

The writing and story structure on most of today's scripted shows are extremely intricate, complex, and multi-layered, making classic shows like "I Love Lucy" and "Bewitched" look as if they were designed for mentally slow viewers.

It's taken a few years for me to realize that I go to movies less because tv shows like Extras, The Office, and The Colbert Report are far more engrossing than cinematic dreck like Nacho Libre, which was excruciating -- and yet -- probably the best-written comedy in theaters today. Thanks to TiVo, downloadable episodes, bigger budgets, more competition, cheaper effects, and top actors looking more to the boob tube for work, it's only a matter of time before the Emmys eclipse the Oscars in importance. Not that either are terribly important.

With that unnecessary prelude, let me say that this year's Emmy nominations, announced today, are closer to getting it right. Most notably, the Best Comedy Series noms make me happy as a little girl with a lollipop thanks to Arrested Development, Curb, The Office, and Scrubs all being nominated. Of course, the fifth nominee, Two and a Half Men -- the only traditional sitcom -- will probably win. (How did Entourage get left off this list?)

I'm also glad to see that Kate Winslet was nominated for "Outstanding Guest Actress In A Comedy Series" for her mother of all cameos in Extras.

The Colbert Report also got a well-deserved four nominations, which is one more than The Daily Show received, and four more than The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Sounds about right to me.

I'm not invested in who wins, but I do think that Frances Conroy is way, way, way long overdue to win her first Emmy for her exceptional performances on Six Feet Under, which delivered the most stunning finale of any show ever.

Now will somebody explain how Dancing With The Stars scored six noms, which is twice as many received as the criminally-neglected Big Love?

And how did Dave Chappelle get overlooked?

--Junichi

FLIP FLOP! FLIP FLOP!

I am about to do something I've never done before on this blog: say something genuinely complimentary about George W. Bush.

Here it goes: I applaud the fact that President Bush has consistently advocated creating a path for the 12 million so-called "illegal" immigrants in the U.S. to become "legal" and, possibly, a U.S. citizen. His position is not a popular stance to take on the national level, and it certainly isn't welcome within his party.

I'm not saying W is great on immigration, or for that matter, any issue related to people of color, or for that matter, any issue. It wouldn't shock me if he designed a mile-high electric fence along the U.S.-Mexico border that makes the Berlin Wall, the Great Wall of China, and the Israeli Wall in Palestine all look like speed bumps.

But I have quietly admired him for not completely jumping on the anti-immigrant bandwagon like the other xenophobic lemmings in the GOP who incessantly pander to Southern racists.

Sadly, this morsel of respect just disintegrated today when the New York Times reported that he's backing down from his position and caving in to the House Republicans who want to deport every Spanish speaker in America.

Flip flop!

--Junichi

JAPANESE MAN SETS NEW WEINER RECORD

A victory to relish

Hot damn! Some people wanna be like Mike, but I wanna be like Takeru "Tsunami" Kobayashi, who beat his own world record yesterday and wolfed down 53 3/4 big ones in twelve minutes to win his sixth straight Yellow Mustard Belt at Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Competition.

Also the record holder for chowing down 17.7 pounds of cow brains in 15 minutes, Kobayashi is the Lance Armstrong of gastronomic athletes, except that he has more than one testicle and hasn't been dogged by both doping accusations and Sheryl Crow.

Kobayashi continues to be referred to by his nickname "Tsunami" because he is Japanese and the name "Kamikaze" was already taken.

Kobayashi's win means that San Jose State University student Joey Chestnut fell short of being America's best hope to reclaim the hot dog-eating title. On the 230rd birthday of this great nation, Chestnut brought great shame to his countrymen by being able to eat only 52 hot dogs in 12 minutes -- loser! This is especially embarrassing since the U.S.A. traditionally places #1 in any competition related to imprisonment rates, contributions to global warming, or excessive eating. I expect Chestnut will soon grip a mustard-laced sword and commit the ritualistic form of disemboweling suicide known as hara-kiri.

I am especially dripping with envy because Kobayashi scarfs all this food and maintains a ridiculously ripped, fat-free, washboard stomach. In contrast, I look like a dashboard Buddha after finishing a mere three bags of potato chips over three consecutive barbecues this weekend and packing on another ten pounds that remains unleaked, despite my regular intake of Olestra pills.

*

Finally, below is a picture of Nathan's competitor Eric 'Badlands' Booker, shortly before yesterday's competition. I implore you to come up with an appropriate caption.

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #63

So money

This Week's Question:

How would you feel if Poplicks.com posted advertisements or banners on this webpage? What if the income went solely toward the costs of hosting this page?

--Junichi