CHEESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR

Cheesus is my homeboy

Two days ago, a woman in Missouri discovered Jesus Christ in the form of a Cheeto. (Her Cheesus is on the right, in the image above.)

Her discovery is suspicious, however, because a church youth leader in Houston found Cheesus in his bag several months ago. (His Cheesus is on the left. There's video evidence below.)

Before I opine on this matter, let me begin by stating that I am firm believer in Cheesus.

I totally believe that the son of God would make a second appearance on Earth in the form of a Cheeto. After all, I get a taste of heaven every time I open a bag.

But a second and third coming in the form of Cheesus? I smell blasphemy in the orange dust.

I'm guessing the crucifix Cheeto in Missouri is actually Cheelzebub, the Prince of Darkness, masquerading as the son of God.

*

It's too bad neither Cheesus was of the Flaming Hot variety, since some Christians -- especially those in the South -- could use a spicy gay savior.

--Junichi

YOUR CRIMINAL RECORD IS NOW TWO CLICKS AWAY

I know what you did last summer

I am fast becoming a privacy rights activist, which I realize is strange for someone who doesn't mind displaying much of his personal life in public fora.

The latest website stripping away privacy rights is http://www.criminalsearches.com

Click on the site and within a few seconds, you can find out which of your family members, friends, frenemies, colleagues, neighbors, and potential clients, sitters, and lovers have a rap sheet.

(If you're like me, you're going to spend the next hour looking up the criminal history of everyone you know. Go ahead. Come back here when you're finished.)

One of the many disturbing aspects of the site is that it can include routine traffic violations -- even ones that were dismissed with traffic school. But even worse, some jurisdictions don't release the details of the violation and simply throw it into the category of "OTHER," leaving people to wonder whether you were guilty of something harmless like a busted tail light or something harmful like involuntary manslaughter.

Though the website claims that everything you read is part of the public record, I question that. I suspect the site includes information that was only intended to be made accessible to limited parties (e.g., day care centers, nursing homes, etc.). Plus, the website does not guarantee accuracy. Thus, you could convince a court to expunge your record, but the website has no obligation to follow suit.

Yet another reason to be alarmed is that this web site makes life so much easier for identity thieves. (Not coincidentally, the site features ads for identity theft.)

Sure, background checks have been around for a long time. But the cost and time involved ensured that it was only used in limited situations. Criminal Searches.com is free and the (falsely) incriminating information is a few seconds away.

As a result, employers have little incentive not to visit the site and illegally discriminate against those whose names pop up on the site. (Google background checks are already routine for many employers.)

Why would it be illegal? In many jurisdictions, employers are barred from asking or seeking information about certain types of criminal histories such as arrests and misdemeanors. (Employers can almost always inquire about felony convictions.) For example, in California, an employer cannot ask about marijuana convictions that are over two years old.

But what's to stop an employer from looking up prospective employee Jerry Garcia on the website and discovering that he was busted for pot possession 2.5 years ago? Sure, there are thousands of Jerry Garcias - but all an employer needs is his birthday to narrow the pool down. Jerry will never learn that his pot brownies prevented him from getting the job.

If a man with the name Jerry Garcia can get blacklisted, you can imagine how much worse it will be for someone with a unique name like mine.

Which is to say, CriminalSearches.com has the potential to kill job prospects for hundreds of thousands of people and long-term dating prospects for thousands more.

You'll know that the site is popular when the invitations to your neighbor's Tupperware parties stop coming and the person who stole your identity can't get a job at Wal-Mart.


(Hat Tip to Annalisa Zulueta, who does not have a criminal record because she obviously changed her name to hide her homicidal past)

--Junichi

WILL WINGFIELD MIGHT BE THIS GENERATION'S BEST DANCER

Where there's a Will, there's a way superior dancer

Imagine if Jordin Sparks had been voted off American Idol while Sanjaya Malakar was still in the competition.

Imagine Barack Obama losing to John McCain in the quarterfinals of a speech contest.

Imagine Happy Gilmore knocking Tiger Woods out of the PGA Championship.

Imagine if Tone Loc beat Nas in a freestyle contest.

Those are appropriate analogies for the miscarriage of justice -- no, actually, the third-term abortion of justice -- that was Will Wingfield getting voted off last night's So You Think You Can Dance. The man who should have won the whole competition didn't even make the Top 6.

Will is undeniably the best dancer from any season of any dancing show. IV real! I rarely invest in anything related to reality television, but last night's results show was truly depressing and left me worried for America.

Some clips:

--Junichi

THE COST OF SOUNDING BLACK

Which one is depressing these guys' wages more:
(1) the fact that they sound black or (2) the vines wrapped around their curtain rods?

When I teach Race and the Law, I devote at least a day to the topic of accent discrimination, which I consider one of the most understudied and under-reported phenomena in the United States. Thankfully, a new paper by University of Chicago Professor Jeff Grogger will help fill up my future syllabi.

Grogger researched whether different speech patterns between white and black people cause wage differences.

He concluded that black employees whose voices were distinctly identified as black by anonymous listeners earn 10% less than whites with similar skills.

In contrast, black people who were not vocally identified as black earn only 2% less than comparable whites.

As for whites, those who "sound black" earn 6% lower than those whites who don't.

These conclusions controlled for intelligence, education, work experience, and other factors that affect one's wages. (Those who are into statistics should definitely read the paper, especially if you have a fetish for regression analysis.)

Perhaps most interesting of all, Grogger's charts indicate that the negative impact of "sounding black" on wages is nearly equal to the downside of "sounding Southern." This suggests, in my opinion, that classism might play a bigger role than racism in explaining the cause of the differential.

Grogger's data on the likelihood of accurately identifying others' race and gender through voice is equally as interesting. When he asked listeners to attempt to identify the race and gender of speakers (who were all stripped of any other identifying information like their name), they correctly guessed the speaker's gender 98% of the time, the white speakers' race 84% of the time, and the black speakers' race 77% of the time.

Bummer the study didn't also include Chicano/Latinos and Asian Americans.

(Hat tip: Steven Levitt)

--Junichi

GET WITH THE TIMES, NEW ROMAN

I appreciate this video. Although, as someone with a mild font fetish, I wish more fonts were included with every computer.

--Junichi

FAIR & BALANCED POLL

I realize that accusing Fox News of bias is like accusing ninjas of awesomeness.

But this "No Spin Poll" conducted by Bill O'Reilly on the most biased news outlet in America ...

... is so outrageous that it's inspiring.

Indeed, I've been inspired to start a regular series of polls that are equally as fair and balanced.

Here's my first stab:

--Junichi

DID THE BUSH ADMINSTRATION BANKROLL THE DARK KNIGHT?

Up next: Waterboarding

In The Dark Knight, Batman seeks to protect the world from terrorists and suicide bombers.

But evildoers like the Joker don't play by the rules. So Batman, who has always operated outside of the law, must become even more vigilante and take measures with which even his own staff is uncomfortable.

And so Batman wiretaps all of Gotham's citizens' cell phones. He listens to their conversations to infiltrate terrorist cells. When the Joker is in custody, he resorts to violent interrogation techniques that rise to the level of torture. Not only does he refuse to listen to authorities, he doesn't even stay for the end of conversations. Batman is The Decider.

As Bruce Wayne, Batman also embeds himself in the shady worlds of cronyism and money laundering. His company secretly funds defense contractors and top secret weapons research. He calls upon his rich friends to support men like Harvey Dent who take tough stances on crime. The fundraising is especially important to offset the influence of the Chinese, who are literally sitting on top of our money.

As the film progresses, Batman's approval rating with the citizens of Gotham City begins to tank, in light of the rising death toll of Gotham's soldiers. But the film makes clear to the viewer that Batman was only acting for the greater good.

Which leads to the question that serves as the title of this post: Did the Bush Administration bankroll The Dark Knight?

The movie is well-crafted and undoubtedly entertaining. (To my surprise, Heath Ledger really does give an Oscar-worthy performance.)

But TDK is also a powerful propaganda film that ultimately justifies Bush's actions in his global War on Terror.

Intentional or not, the Nolan brothers clearly support the use of torture and other unlawful custodial interrogation techniques in times of terror. The film climaxes with multiple "ticking time bombs," which is the exact scenario that GOP Congressional leaders and other pundits have cited when defending the need to torture. The sadistic criminal refusing to leak life-saving information is both at the apex of TDK and at the core of why this country hasn't passed more laws banning the use of torture.

Plus, if Congress had any trouble passing the FISA bill, they could have delayed the vote until after this film, which showcases the need for eavesdropping and glorifies other temporary deprivations of civil liberties to fight the bad guys.

As if the allusions to the current administration's policies were not obvious enough, by the end of the film, Harvey Dent even looks like Dick Cheney blew the left side of his face off.

A movie that reflects our post-9/11 world? Nothing new.

But a post-9/11 film that actually seems to unabashedly endorse Bush's post-9/11 response? New to me.

Perhaps the only point that the analogy fails is when we see Batman actually struggle with the moral complexities and ethical constraints of what he's doing.

*

P.S. Since Nolan's version of Batman learned about war in Southeast Asia, perhaps John McCain is a better substitute for The Dark Knight.

(With thanks to Jingalls and Sarisa)

--Junichi

WHAT IF WAR BROKE OUT OVER CONDOM ADS?

Seoul Sides

With Japan making new territorial claims over South Korea's Dokdo islands, tensions between South Korea and Japan are rising to disturbing levels.

Korean protesters recently slaughtered live pheasants outside the Japanese embassy. (See photo above.) The Korean government has recalled its ambassador to Japan and rejected bilateral talks.

Yesterday, Seoul further stoked the flames by banning all Japanese condom ads from subway trains.

From what I know about the dispute over Dokdo (a.k.a. Liancourt Rocks a.k.a. Takeshima a.k.a. Tical a.k.a. Johnny Blaze), South Korea has every right to own those islands and is justifiably enraged at Japan's brazen claims.

But one minor point: How can anyone ban Japanese condom ads? They're so adorable.

Look at those precious humping koalas! I just want to cuddle next to their lubricated heads and snuggle up to their itty-bitty reservoir tips. So key-yoooooooooooooot.

An ad for any one of the condoms below would similarly tickle my fancy and make any train ride so much more tolerable.

The only thing more precious would be a Hello Kitty condom with a red bow that ... wait, what's this? ... OMFG!!

Kawaii!

Which is to say, South Koreans must be totally enraged to muster the will to ban advertising for these products.

These is one Japanese condom ad, however, that should be banned everywhere. That's any ad for the "Super Big Boy" condoms below.

Condoms for horses? Ridiculous.

Given the rarity of stallions in East Asia, why would anybody want to put birth control on an equestriaschlong?

--Junichi

THE OTHER PRESIDENTIAL "RACE"

This isn't particularly surprising but despite Obama-mania, a recent NYT/CBS poll discovered, lo and behold, we still live in a racially divided society. One conclusion drawn here is that:

"Mr. Obama’s candidacy, while generating high levels of enthusiasm among black voters, is not seen by them as evidence of significant improvement in race relations."

The upside is that progressives don't have to be so paranoid. The fear had been that an Obama presidency would be treated as "proof" that racism is over but it seems that our fair nation is pretty much in the same place it was eight years ago when it comes to divergent opinions regarding race and privilege.

Some interesting political notes: Whites are on the fence around Obama but Blacks are pretty clear: McCain gets no love (a tiny 5% favorable rating compared to 57% unfavorable). I was doing some of the math here too: Whites favor McCain over Obama 46-37% (not including "undecided") but Obama leads McCain in the same poll by 45 to 39%. The only explanation is that even Whites are less enthused about Obama compared to other groups, Obama must be earning enough support from "everyone else" to take a decent lead over McCain at this point.

--O.W.

A LITTLE DEBATE

the little mouse who could

For those of us who juggle the academic/journalist worlds, it's hard not to marvel at the greatness that is Jill Lepore, one of the best writers at the New Yorker and a professor of history at Harvard. In this week's issue (cover controversy? What cover controversy?) she writes an absolutely fascinating piece about the history behind E.B. White's Stuart Little and the machinations of a prominent New York Public Library librarian to squash the book by any means necessary. Read this.

--O.W.

MILLION MOON MARCH

What Amtrak Passengers Did Not See on Saturday

Back in 2006, I wrote about one of Orange County's few original cultural events -- the annual Mooning Amtrak event -- at which attendees moon the trains that pass by the Mugs Away Saloon in Laguna Niguel.

Well much to my surprise, this past weekend, the cops shut down the event!

To add to the drama, the OC Sheriff's Department didn't just send in a few officers, but 50 five-0's! And to provide the icing on the cake of absurdity, they even flew in police choppers!

Are you getting that? Ghetto birds ... in South Orange County! Visible from my backyard!

What with the crackdown on nearby nude beaches and the upcoming L.A. obscenity trial, Southern California seems to be entering a new era of prudishness.

Andrew "Naked Guy" Martinez must be rolling in his grave.

Million Moon March, anyone?

--Junichi

BROTHER IN BLENDER

A loopy photo of my brother with John Mayer is in this month's Blender magazine, which regularly publishes pictures of fans with celebrities.

Kazuo looks ridiculous, but is overshadowed by Paula Messner, who appears high on crank, which must be the only drug that inspires someone to voluntarily rub Iggy Pop's leathery skin.

Also, something tells me that Stevie Wonder was not aware that he was taking a photo with Karim Diane, so I don't think that counts as a photo "with" a celebrity.

I know that country singer Taylor Swift is not tall, so I put Chuck Schuck's height at around 4'8". His growth was probably stunted from all the kids who beat him up for having a first name that rhymes with his last name. Hey, Chuck, at least your name isn't Corn Schuck or Up Schuck.

And as for the photo of Vanilla Ice and Bill Doynics, no comment is necessary.

So congratulations are in order for Jeff Mejorada! Congratulations, sir. You're the only superfan who ends up looking respectable and un-psychotic.

--Junichi

ONE WAY OF RELIEVING STRESS

I couldn't peel my eyes away from this well-crafted music video for "Stress" by Justice:

Did a French dance duo just set a new record for music videos promoting hardcore, senseless violence?

If Justice were a black hip hop group from Compton and MTV played this, something tells me that the ghost of C. Delores Tucker would be holding congressional hearings on the matter.

--Junichi

THE GREAT FIREWALL OF CHINA

CCTV is not amused, sir.

I just spent a few days in London, where one would have to be blind not to notice the 500,000 surveillance cameras that notoriously monitor the Brits. A friend remarked that London has the world record for most cameras monitoring its citizens.

Turns out that fact will soon be history -- not because the Big Smoke is dismantling Big Brother, but because a city in China is about to quadruple that number in a few months.

On the plane ride home, I was blown away by Naomi Klein's superb piece in Rolling Stone: China's All-Seeing Eye. She reports, among other startling revelations, she reports that the city of Shenzhen will soon install two million CCTVs.

The cameras are part of China's high-tech surveillance and censorship combo that is known as "Golden Shield," which will soon use face-detection technology to monitor the every movement of billions of Chinese citizens, including its political dissidents.

Especially its political dissidents, perhaps.

The most explosive aspect of Klein's piece is her exposing the American corporations who are exporting much of the crime-control technology to China in violation of a federal law -- passed after the Tiananmen Square massacre -- that bars U.S. companies from selling products in China that involve "crime control or detection instruments or equipment."

L-1 Identity Solutions, an American company, is arguably the most guilty of laying the technological foundation to China's Golden Shield. (Read Klein's article to learn why she writes, "You have probably never heard of L-1, but there is every chance that it has heard of you.") At the moment, L-1 seems to be getting away with their exports, however, because "face prints" aren't listed in the Commerce Department's list of banned products.

But even if the federal loophole is closed, it's too late, because the technology is already there.

Klein doesn't just detail how Western investors are complicit in helping the Communist Party spend billions of dollars building Police State 2.0. She amply supports her conclusion that "This isn't an unfortunate cost of doing business in China: It's the goal of doing business in China."

In my opinion, this is yet another example of how China's warming relations with "the West" is not only doing little to curb the Chinese government's repressive regime, but in some cases, is making things worse.

The U.S. may have more people behind bars than China (despite having only a fourth of China's population), but something tells me that record is about to be broken, too.

--Junichi