SO REAL

(Source: Soulstrut)

--O.W.

BEST SONGS OF 2006

Here, at last, is my completed (last updated: December 29, 2006) list of the best singles of 2006.

100 BEST SONGS OF 2006:

1. My Love - Justin Timberlake
2. New Day - Kate Havnevik
3. Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
4. The Fear You Won't Fall - Joshua Radin
5. The Long Way Around - Dixie Chicks
6. When You Were Young (Jacque Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Mix) - The Killers
7. 9 Crimes - Damien Rice
8. You And I Are A Gang Of Losers - The Dears
9. Ain't No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
10. Tell Me When To Go (Remix) - E-40 feat. Kanye West & Ice Cube
    
11. Thin Blue Flame - Josh Ritter
12. Postcards from Italy - Beirut
13. Who Am I - Will Young
14. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
15. Keep Bouncin (Street) - Too $hort feat. Snoop Dogg and Will.i.am
    
16. The Man - Pete Yorn
17. Show Me What You Got - Jay-Z
18. Knockers - The Darkness
19. Baby Makin' Hips - Fantasia
20. Hip Hop Is Dead - Nas
21. Love Me Or Hate Me Remix - Lady Sovereign Feat. Missy Elliott
22. Starlight - Muse
23. God's Gonna Cut You Down - Johnny Cash
24. Number 1 (Superchumbo Remix) - Goldfrapp
25. Nausea - Beck
26. Fidelity - Regina Spektor
27. Rudebox - Robbie Williams
28. Cobrastyle - Teddybears feat. Mad Cobra
    
29. Bossy (Cavemen Remix) - Kelis
30. Compton - The Game feat. Will.i.am
    
31. Concentrate - Xzibit
32. Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland
    
33. It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects
34. Need You Tonite - Mylo
35. Touch It (The Remix) - Busta Rhymes feat. Mary J. Blige Rah Digga Missy Elliott Dmx Lloyd Banks & Papoose
36. You Know I'm No Good - Ghostface Killah /Amy Winehouse
    
37. Sexyback - Justin Timberlake
38. And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going - Jennifer Hudson
39. Control Myself - LL Cool J Feat Jennifer Lopez
40. Emily - Joanna Newsom
41. Silent House - Dixie Chicks
42. Kick, Push - Lupe Fiasco
43. Doctor's Advocate - The Game feat. Busta Rhymes
    
44. Gotta Understand - Jurassic 5
45. Girls Gone Wild - Ludacris
46. Kick out the chairs (WhoMadeWho remix) - Munk feat. James Murphy
    
47. Stunna Shades - Federation feat. E-40
48. Come On! Let’s Boogey to the Elf Dance! - Sufjan Stevens
49. Lost One - Jay-Z Feat. Chrisette Michele
50. Boston - Augustana
51. Here It Goes Again - Ok Go
52. Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
53. Sympathy - Billy Talent
54. Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall
55. Henrietta - The Fratellis
56. Wamp Wamp (What It Do) - Clipse feat. Slim Thug
    
57. Crazy - Snoop Dogg feat. Nate Dogg
    
58. Welcome To The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance
59. The Train - Outkast feat. Sleepy Brown
    
60. All Over Again - Ronan Keating
61. Electrik Heat - The Seekwill - K-Os
62. Maneater - Nelly Furtado
63. Hush Boy - Basement Jaxx
64. Lolita - Prince
65. Sexy Love - Ne-Yo
66. Can`t Take It In - Imogen Heap
67. Be Easy - Ghostface Killah & Trife Da God
68. Fergalicious - Fergie feat. Will.i.am
    
69. How We Operate - Gomez
70. Game for Fools - Jamie Lidell
71. Leave The Pieces - The Wreckers
72. Moving Like A Train - Herbert
73. Paranoid Android - Sia
74. Wisemen - James Blunt
75. Wind It Up - Gwen Stefani
76. I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair) - Sandi Thom
77. Cooking - Scritti Politti
78. All Good Things (Come To An End) - Nelly Furtado
79. Streetlights - Rocky Votolato
80. Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
81. Not Big - Lily Allen
82. What You Know - T.I.
83. Faster Kill Pussy Cat - Paul Oakenfold feat. Brittany Murphy
84. Follow The Cops Back Home - Placebo
85. Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
86. Unfaithful - Rihanna
87. On The Evening Train - Johnny Cash
88. Too Much To Ask For - Radio 4
89. 3000 Flowers - Destroyer
90. Tent In Your Pants - Peaches
91. Whoo! Alright - Yeah... Uh Huh. - The Rapture
92. So Excited - Janet Jackson Feat. Khia
93. Long Distance Call (Remix by 25 Hours a Day) - Phoenix
94. Above The Clouds - Cyndi Lauper with Jeff Beck
    
95. I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor - Arctic Monkeys
96. Bulgarian Chicks - Balkan Beat Box
97. U & Ur Hand - P!nk
98. Poppin' My Collar - Three 6 Mafia
99. Steam and Sequins for Larry Levan - Matmos
100. Goodbye Earl - Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

Random notes:

• I finalized these rankings using a complicated mathematical formula that involves how often I hummed the tune while waiting in line at Quizno's, the number of tweens who perform the song at karaoke night at the mall, and whether I can still stand listening to the song today.
• I didn't limit myself to one song per artist, although I put the bar higher for repeat showings by a single artist.
• I realize some of the songs are from albums released in 2005. Sue me.
• Any weak choices should be blamed on programmers at Sirius Satellite Radio and all my favorite audioblogs.
• If you feel my taste in music is craptacular, feel free to send me mp3s at junichi @ junichisemitsu.com.
  

--Junichi

NEWS OF THE BODY

Hamburger Helper is naked

Mch of this morning's more interesting news stories involved human anatomy. As a public service to Poplicks readers, I have provided the Cliff's Notes version below:

• Former Judge Gives New Meaning to Penal Code: The Supreme Court handed down some important opinions this week, but the most amusing legal news comes from Bristow, Oklahoma where former Judge Donald D. Thompson is facing charges that he used a penis pump while presiding in his own courtroom. His court reporter testified, among other lurid details, that she heard him use the pump during the emotional testimony of a grandfather in his grandchild's murder trial. Judge Thompson faces a, ahem, stiff sentence: if convicted of all four counts of indecent exposure, he could spend a decade in prison, lose his $90,000 annual pension, and would be forced to register as a sex offender.


• Man Finds Lightbulb Where Moon Don't Shine: A Pakistani prison inmate had an operation to remove a glass light bulb lodged in his anus. While he claims someone else drugged him and inserted it, the doctors are suspicious, and General Electric wants everyone to know that while it brings good things to life, a prisoner's poop chute was not intended to be one of them. The doctors had the tricky task of removing the bulb intact; apparently, had it shattered inside his body, the glass shards would have rectum. (Rim shot!)
  


• 'Riding Bitch' is Best For The Body: A research team at the University of Buffalo concluded that people who sit in the rear middle-seat are 59 to 86% safer than those in the front seat and 25% safer than other back-seat passengers. Can I ride shotgun now?


• Disturbed Men Sever Own Body Parts To Send Message to Women: A man from Kuala Lumpur severed his own bishop to prove to his wife that he was not cheating on her. In related news, a man in Corpus Christi severed his own finger and mailed it to his ex-girlfriend with a letter that said, "This is my last chance to touch you." Neither act seems particularly persuasive. I suspect these two men would fail the logical reasoning portion of standardized tests.

--Junichi

TOP 20 SONGS ABOUT DESIRES TO ENGAGE IN STATUTORY RAPE

Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman

Top 20 Songs That Include Lyrics Referencing Sex With Minors:

1. Don't Stand So Close To Me - The Police
2. Bad Babystitter - Princess Supastar
3. Do Me - Bell Biv Devoe
4. Rebel, Rebel - David Bowie
5. Guilty Conscience - Eminem feat. Dr. Dre
6. Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon - Neil Diamond / Urge Overkill
7. I Saw Her Standing There - The Beatles
8. Big Ole Butt - LL Cool J
9. Wrong Way - Sublime
10. The New Style - Beastie Boys
11. Age Ain't Nothin' But A Number - Aaliyah
12. Hot Blooded - Foreigner
13. (She's) Sexy and 17 - Stray Cats
14. I Love Rock 'n Roll - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
15. Does Your Mother Know - ABBA
16. You're Sixteen - Ringo Starr
17. 13 and Good - Boogie Down Productions
    
18. I'm On Fire - Bruce Springsteen
19. Givin' Up The Nappy Dug Out - Ice Cube
    
20. I Luv U - Dizzee Rascal
    

Yes, there are many more, including multiple versions of "Jailbait." Feel free to leave titles I missed in the comments.

There were many songs I was tempted to add but ultimately left off the list since the underage element is unclear: "P.Y.T." by Michael Jackson, "My Sharona" by The Knack, and every other song by R. Kelly.

Thanks to J. Ingalls, S-Dog, and Conrad Von Snugglebottom for the help.

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #62

After forgetting "The Emperor's New Clothes," u r the real enemy.

This Week's Question:

Name the artist that is most often incorrectly referred to as a "one-hit wonder" despite the fact that their discography clearly includes more than one hit song.

--Junichi

HEY CHANEL, MEET MY FRIENDS CAMRY AND ARMANI

What I'm wearing

We've already mentioned the wacky names that celebrities give their kids.

As it turns out, regular people aren't much better at naming children.

Babies may be this year's hot fashion accessories, but last year's parents were already on top of the trend by naming their babies after brand names, products, or companies.

According to the U.S. Social Security Administration, there were 571 babies born in 2005 with the name Armani. 260 girls came into the world as Chanel, 305 babies as Alizé (the cognac), 68 as Camry, and 28 as Cartier.

My favorite: 5 babies named Ikea.

I can't wait to share this with my son Quizno and my daughter Levitra.

--Junichi

MY SHOT AT THE AMERICAN DREAM

Missed it by $36.

How am I supposed to know how much a Hooker is?

--Junichi

TOP 10 THINGS I'D BE UPSET ABOUT IF I WERE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

A photo I took last week

If I were William Shakespeare and I came back from the dead, these are the Top 10 things I'd be upset about:

1. The fact that there is a Starbucks directly facing the Globe Theatre in London where I first staged my plays
   


2. Keanu Reeves in Much Ado About Nothing
   


3. That I was forced to fight Busta Rhymes in Celebrity Deathmatch for the title of Best Poet
   


4. Lil' Romeo
   


5. Ben Affleck in Shakespeare in Love
   


6. The fact that Ben Affleck will forever be Academy Award Winner Ben Affleck
   


7. The band Shakespear's Sister
   


8. All the so-called literature experts who argue that some other bloke wrote my stuff
   


9. Jet Li and Aaliyah not dying -- and merely hugging -- at the end of Romeo Must Die
   


10. My CelebriDuck:
    

--Junichi

LOOKING FOR SMHS ALUMNI

I know this is a shot in the dark but a former, beloved teacher of mine, Paul Shickle, just passed away yesterday and his memorial service is being held this Saturday. There's no centralized way (outside of a rather inconsistent Classmates.com) to track down old alumni, especially those not in the Myspace/Facebook/Friendster generation, so I figured I'd go back to basic word-of-mouth (albeit via the internet still). If you happen to be or know of an alumnus of San Marino High School in Southern California, please direct them to paulshickle.blogspot.com for more information on the memorial service or just to leave a testimonial.

--O.W.

CONNIE RAVES RANDOMLY

even in college, she had the hair on lock
Obviously, Junichi needs to step his YouTube game up since he missed what has to be one of the most outright f%@!ing crazy clips I've ever seen from a public figure: Connie Chung loses her short-lived MSNBC show...then loses her mind by singing a warbling, crazy off-pitch, rendition of "Thanks For the Memory."

All I know is that all those Chinese parents of my folks' generation who kept urging their kids, "you should be more like Connie!" will watch this in rapt horror and wonder if they hadn't steered their kids terribly wrong.

(This is pretty crazy too for other reasons)

--O.W.

RANDOM RAVES

Vote or Diebold

Some random recommendations:

• Was the 2004 Election Stolen? by Robert F. Kennedy Jr.: This is a stunning piece of investigative journalism. After the 2004 election, I let go of the evidence of election fraud because I felt like a sore loser. But this article brings up some very alarming questions and is worthy of a careful read. Other countries would be rioting right now.
  
  
• Jim Dale, narrator of the Harry Potter books on CD: I am probably the last muggle to read the Harry Potter books. Actually, I haven't "read" them, per se; I've just listened to them via audiobooks while commuting. But I can't imagine the experience of reading text or watching the movie to be one-tenth as good as listening to Jim Dale read the books. I have multiple voices inside my head, but not enough to bring alive the 134 different and distinct characters he voiced for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Mad props.

• The so-called Indian Beatles: Check out their video (click image below) for "Tumse Hai Dil Ko" from the 1965 film Jaanwar. The clip is a mesmerizing cover of "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" in Hindi and what YouTube was made for.

• Stephen Colbert's Commencement Address at Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois: While not as politically inspiring as his speech before President Bush, this is a great read, even if occasionally rambles. He obviously had a great time goofing on whatever school was willing to give him an honorary degree. A quote:

I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly, the best career advice I can give you is to get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are good, and you are famous. And eventually some very nice people will give you a doctorate in fine arts for doing jack squat.

• David Lee Roth singing a bluegrass version of "Jump" on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno: I am speechless. (Credit: N. Maines)

• Whoever at Reuters came up with the caption for the World Cup picture below: What, you didn't think you could get "Ball Out of Play!" or "No Hands!" past your editor?

Reuters: "Ukraine's Andriy Husin (L) battles for the ball with Spain's Luis Garcia"

--Junichi

BANANAS

Yellow on the Inside, White on the Outside?

Yours truly ended up in this morning's Washington Post: "Chicks Magnet"

As I mentioned here, being referred to as a "Chicks Magnet" in the Post is an especially huge accomplishment for a short and stocky Asian guy with an enormous Pez collection. I also humbly recommend you read the back story on the photo the Post ended up cropping.

In any event, this whole gig continues to be banana split: bananas, nuts, and pretty sweet.

---

(Oliver adds: Just to point out that we are legion (we = Asian Americans in the media), the Post piece was written by J. Freedom du Lac, the paper's pop music critic, though I've always knew him as Josh, dating back to his days working for the Sacramento Bee.

Though "J. Freedom du Lac" is not quite as AZN a name as "Jackson Wong," "Harvard Lee," or Ella Sakiyo Jian-Yi Mizota-Wang, let me assure you that Josh is down with the yeller (and even gets awards from yeller journalist associations for his accomplishments). Therefore, I was pretty damn tickled to see an old acquaintance profiling an old friend (wholly coincidentally I might add) for something like the Post. Like Virginia Slims and Fatboy Slim, you've all come a long way, baby. --O.W.)

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #61

The dynasty: Bush La Familia

This Week's Question:

Which potential Republican candidate for President has the best chance of winning the White House in 2008?


(FYI: Two weeks ago, the QOTW was what Democratic candidate has a better chance than Hillary Clinton of winning the White House in 2008.)

--Junichi

THE STREETS OF LONDON

The only other man outdoors speeds home to watch the game.

It's both exciting and eerie to be in London while the World Cup is taking place.

With English flags ubiquitously draped on every corner, it's obvious that football is the main religion of Brits.

For the last two matches in which Beckham & Co. competed, the streets and shops of London were empty, save for those of us walking to the local Dixie Chicks concert. But every pub was filled beyond capacity with roaring fans holding a mug of beer.

It's easy to imagine all the riots of yesteryears given how drunk and patriotic everyone gets. The BBC was forced to shut down its big outdoor screen in London because of fights.

The scary part is that there seems to be a thin line between football fans and the kind of nationalistic fervor that led to Britian colonizing half the globe. I'm guessing something similar could be said about German fans.

In this way, it's refreshing that most Americans aren't into the World Cup. (Or is enthusiasm low because the USA has no chance of winning?)

On a mostly unrelated note, when I took the picture below, the fourth man from the left said, "Smile boys! Japan is taking a photo!"

--Junichi

I'LL STOP THE WORLD AND DRIFT WITH YOU...

nos nerds

I don't get out for a ton of movies these days (babysitters = not cheap) but when 1) The Center for Asian American Media sponsored an advance preview of The Fast and The Furious 3: Tokyo Drift last night and 2) my friend Josh G. down in Hollywood said that advance audiences responded well to the film, I figured, why not?
CONTINUE READING...


This film has an interesting backstory. The first TFATF was based on a Vibe story written by a friend of mine, Ken Li. He profiled underground street racing in the New York metropolitan tri-state, involving mostly Black and Latino racers. However, TFATF reflected nothing from this story - they moved the location to Los Angeles, it was mostly White racers at the center of the story (surprise, surprise), with some ridiculously stereotyped AZN bad boys (hello Rick Yune!) as the strawmen.[1]

I never caught 2 Fast and 2 Furious and would never have remotely bothered to check out Tokyo Drift had it not been for the fact that Universal hired Justin Lin to helm it. I've following Lin's career for nearly 10 years now, was a big booster of Better Luck Tomorrow and was curious to see what Lin would do with a mainstream, big budget film[2].

Within Asian American filmmaking, this is a big deal. There's clearly been a dramatic generational shift from the days of immigrant family melodramas by the likes of Wayne Wang to someone like Justin Lin being handed the reins to an immensely successful action series (the last two in the franchise have earned close to half a billion dollars worldwide). I also wonder if race really had much to do with this at all: I'm sure Universal would have had no qualms, whatsoever, letting a White director handle TD and as a Taiwanese American, Lin would have no automatic insight into the world of Tokyo street culture. It seems more the case that Better Luck Tomorrow was a well-liked, "edgy" film about outcast teenagers and TD taps into similar kinds of characters.

One thing haunting Lin is that his previous film, Annapolis, was an unmitigated disaster. Not only did it score one of the lowest Rotten Tomato scores I've ever seen, but more importantly, the film hasn't even earned back half its budget yet. However, in a recent SFGate.com article, the director says he wasn't willing to take on TD if that meant he was going to be forced to recycle more tired, stereotypical, exotic images of Japan and Japanese culture. According to writer Jeff Yang, after Lin read the original script, he told the studio:

'I think it's offensive and dated, and I don't have any intention of doing it.' But Stacey [Snider], the head of the studio, said, 'Just tell us what you'd do differently.' So I said, 'To begin with, I'd get rid of all the gongs and temples and Buddhas and the visual gags about how the white guy is a foot taller than all the Asians.' And she said, 'OK, we'll make the kind of movie you want.' I was like, 'Uh, are you sure?' "Ultimately, it ended up being a constant challenge -- I kept on getting into discussions that were like, 'You signed me to do a certain type of movie, if you don't want to do that movie, get rid of me.' But all you can ever ask is that the producers and the studio be fair and reasonable. And to their credit, they were very fair and reasonable."

Lin couldn't get all the changes he wanted - the lead was still a White guy (surprise, surprise) and his sidekick in the movie is played by rapper "Don't Call Me Lil'" Bow Wow. This said, I have to say that TD - unlike, say Lost In Translation - managed to play down Tokyo as some hyper-exotic, inscrutable cultural space. While the tight density of the city contrasts with where the film opens - in the sprawling suburban developments of Southern California (a favorite visual trope and metaphor of Lin's) - culturally speaking, Lin didn't make Tokyo seem that vastly different than any hyper-urban city that we've seen in other recent movies.

Moreover, Lin was able to get a variety of Asian and Asian American actors cast for film, including Sung Kang as one of the major characters (an Asian American transplant in Japan), and he does quite well - a considerably more charismatic character than the lead. In fact, I think the film would have been far more interesting if the casting had been flipped (Asian American protagonist, White mentor) but whatever; it's Hollywood.

Unfortunately, if the film was a small step forward on racial politics (it might have been bigger had it not been for the villain, a boilerplate Yakuza wanna-be who gives the same, flat, smoldering-rage-looks as Rick Yune did in the first TFATF), it does absolutely nothing for women, Asian and otherwise. It's not like TD is the most sexist film made in recent memory but for all the talk about the film's racial transgressions, no one bothered to write a single good female role into the entire film. There are exactly two kinds of women in the film: women to be ogled at or women to be fought over but other than that, the idea of "female agency" is utterly absent. The main female character is flirty, indeterminably exotic and at least knows how to drive but other than that, she lacks a real personality that's not tied back to a man. Hell, there's not even a token Michelle Rodriguez "bad girl" character thrown in here.

Provided, I've never been to Tokyo so it might really be the case that all the women there wear mini-skirts short enough for a pelvic exam or flash more cleavage than a Hooters convention. Interestingly enough, the film has absolutely no sex scenes - some quick girl-on-girl kissing (far tamer than the average Girls Gone Wild video) is about as racy (no pun intended) as it gets but in terms of eye candy, TD feels like one long reel of "hot" Japanese chicks flashing T&A. It's like visual Cialis for an Asian fetishist. Sure, it's not like the film is outright misogynistic (though it plainly doesn't think much about women outside as sexual objects) but given some of the chatter about the film's more progressive racial/ethnic dynamics, it was truly disappointing - though hardly surprising - to see it rely on exactly the kind of images you'd expect for a film about import car racing. This was no more defensible than your average rap video - the best you can say is that, "it caters to the male audience" and that's that.

Politics aside, I also didn't find the film too satisfying as an action flick. The car drifting scenes are definitely visually captivating at first but after a while, the film goes into drifting OD. My favorite line in this regard is a scene where one of the leads is reminiscing, "when we were young, we used to come up here [the mountains] and watch the drifters," as if drift racing were part of some halcyon memory on par with watching elk leap across an open plain[3].

The bigger problem is that the majority of the racing scenes are shot with tight close-ups (not to mention jarring, frenetic editing) rather than longer shots that allow you to see more of the action. Call me old fashioned but I thought the whole thrill of a car chase is seeing cars chase - I could really care less about watching the umpteenth cut to someone shifting gears or an intense look of focus on the driver's face. What gets lost is the physical grace of a good car chase scene - not to say TD doesn't have good ones (there's a great one that takes place in the dense throng of cars and bodies in the Shibuya district) but too often, the movie relies on an orgy of quick cuts and close-ups that never let the audience get a sense of what's going on in the bigger picture. It's also worth noting that almost all the key race scenes take place at night and thus, with the exception of the aforementioned Shubiya streets scene, you rarely get a sense of the racing environment that things take place in. Contrast that with the original TFATF where at least half of the races take place in daylight.

This all said, it's not like I hated the film - it certainly wasn't as bad a suck-fest as say, X3: Last Stand (I've never seen a movie nosedive so hard after a surprisingly compelling first hour). And I do genuinely hope the film does well if only because it will empower Lin to make other films in the future. According to Yang's article, his next film will be: "a self-financed indie movie called Finishing the Game, which reunites the cast of Better Luck Tomorrow for a period comedy set in the '70s." Somehow, I don't really see the same crowd lining up to catch that film compared to TD but I'll be there.

---

[1] Largely absent, except in a superficial way, were all the Asian rice rocket racers largely responsible for fueling the import racing craze of the 1990s and beyond (Yune's little yellow brigade of black-clad thuggies excepted).

[2] TD's budget was rumored to be over $100 mill. Seriously, is it me or does $100,000,000 not really buy you what it used to? For a car racing movie? Seriously? Is there a team of CGI-racing squirrels involved?

[3] The screenwriting, in general, was terrible but predictably so - same goes for the acting, character development, etc. It's not like anyone was expecting Brokeback Mountain (though there is quite a bit of unintentional homoeroticism as my wife noted). By describing much of the movie's narrative qualities to be boilerplate, I'm only confirming what the film probably set out to do anyways. This is not what you'd call "a thinking man's action series."

--O.W.

STUDYING FOR THE BAR EXAM

Make your mark dark.

Since I have a few friends who are currently stressing while preparing for the bar exam, I thought now would be a good time to share my own test-taking horror story, which I will repeat here for your reading pleasure.

In the summer of 1999, when I first started studying for the California State Bar Exam, I vowed to do everything possible to pass this exam on my first attempt. I told myself that my next exam would be a prostate exam.

As I soon realized, however, preparing for the bar exam is a thousand times more painful than a prostate exam, even if your inflamed urethra glands were inherited from Strom Thurmond.

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE READING...

The arduous three-day exercise in torture that is the California Bar Exam requires remembering every irrelevant rule you could imagine. The only thing rivaling this herculean task of inconsequence would be trying to memorize the Daly City phone book.

It's hard to describe how singularly awful the experience of studying for it was. Every night, I felt like the black Madonna with the elephant dung at the Brooklyn Museum of Art on Christian Coalition night.

In order for me to store countless bits of information in my brain, I had to throw out a lot of other things in my head: high school memories, ATM pin codes, siblings' names, Public Enemy lyrics, the importance of deodorant.

I spent most of my days memorizing random mnemonic devices. For example, in order to memorize the six covenants of title ...

• Cov. of Seisin
• Cov. of Right to convey
• Cov. against Encumbrances
• Cov. for Quiet enjoyment
• Cov. of Warranty
• Cov. for Further assurances

... I used the first letter of each covenant (S-R-E-Q-W-F) to make a sentence: Smokey Robinson Enjoys Quarreling With Fabio.

So for an entire summer, I walked around babbling nonsense like Smokey Robinson Enjoys Quarreling With Fabio. It's amazing I didn't get locked up in a mental institution.

Today, I don't remember anything about any of the six covenants of title but I still remember that Smokey Robinson enjoys quarreling with Fabio.

As I prepared to jump through this ridiculous hoop of a quasi-standardized test, it became clear to me that the only reason the Bar Exam exists is to prevent people like your Uncle Bocephus - deranged, alcoholic, gun-toting, abusive and lifelong Pat Robertson supporter - from being able to practice law. It doesn't actually test useful knowledge of the law, nor does it assess your judgment, your determination, or your creativity as a potential attorney.

Back to the specifics of my bar exam ... I decided to choose the option of typing my exam. So did I use a laptop? No. Computers of any kind were banned. We were only allowed manual or basic electronic typewriters. I think I was one of the last groups to not have the option of taking the exam on computers. (Am I dating myself?)

I had to prepare for any number of topics to appear on the test. The bar course lecturers warned that the examiners might induce massive fecal discharge by testing the rarely-tested (and rarely-studied) topics, but I didn't believe it.

As my luck would have it, the exam required us to write a memo on the archaic and convoluted "Rule Against Perpetuity," which, of course, converted the convention center where I took the exam into a giant colostomy bag.

To make matters worse, and speaking of enemas, I ended up sitting right next to the quintessential Uncle Bocephus, who conveniently developed, in time for the exam, a wheezing cough and a nose more congested than Highway 101 at rush hour. To harmonize with his clogged nasal snorts, he used a 1970's typewriter with an extremely loud bell that rang after he finished each line.

To top it off, on the second day, the instant after the proctor instructed examinees to "break the seal" of the test booklet, my test-taking neighbor passed a deadly and pungent gas, leading me to wonder whether he understood the meaning of the phrase "break the seal."

Call me immature but I couldn't focus for 15 minutes. I had on ear plugs, which heightened my sense of smell, which explains why I was laughing and gagging at the same time. I thought about putting the ear plugs in my nose, but then I risked hearing his colorectal outbursts.

Throughout the exam, I also had a hard time focusing because the proctors seemed to be imported through time travel from the 1970s. Given their anal retentiveness, I pondered whether the word "proctor" is a combination of the two Latin roots - "proctology" and "sphincter."

Worst of all, because I hadn't practiced much on my electronic typewriter, I failed to estimate how long it took to print out stuff. For my corporations question, I failed to print a substantial portion - three whole pages - of my essay in time. I miscalculated my remaining time, due to my inability to tell the minute hand from the hour hand.

When the proctor grabbed my papers, I immediately cried, curled into a fetal position, and dropped a deuce in my pants, which nobody noticed since everyone was still suffering back from when Uncle Bocephus broke the seal.

Do people fail? Yes. Uncle Bocephus failed. Former California Governor Pete "Meritocracy" Wilson failed three times. In fact, for the 2000 exam, only 51% passed the California Bar - the lowest rate since 1983.

Unfortunately, some of my smartest classmates also ended up not passing - they were the unlucky ones who got stuck with tough graders. In fact, my Dean from Stanford Law School -- Kathleen Sullivan, the smartest woman I know -- didn't pass.

My results? I passed, but barely.

The experience was so onerous that I will probably never move to another state to practice law since I don't want to study for another state bar exam.

By the way, weeks after I became licensed to practice law in California, I had my first in-court argument before a judge. I represented myself in a hearing to contest the $140 charge when my car was illegally towed.

I lost.

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #60

Don't check on it

This Week's Question:

Name a song that is over a hundred times better than the movie from which it originates.

--Junichi

IMMIGRATION IN BLACK, WHITE, YELLOW AND BROWN

welcome to America
I've been meaning to write on this for weeks but haven't had the chance (not like it's going to be pushed to the back burner by politicians or the media any time soon however). Living in California, immigration tensions are never that far from the surface but thanks to Congress - and the subsequent community response - it's become much more of a pertinent issue for all Americans to engage. Or almost all Americans. To wit:

There's been numerous discussions in the media about what role race relations play in the current immigration debate but not simply between (presumably) pro-immigration "brown" people and nativist "white" folk. A recent LA Times headline is telling: "Immigrant Crusade Enlists Few Blacks" and there have been other stories looking at this issue (to just link to a few).

Sufficed to say, this is a huge, complex issue so I'm going to try to tackle a few specific points and questions.

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE READING...


1) What role/obligation does the current immigrant rights movement (IRM) owe to the African American community especially in light of the ways in which the IRM has adopted (co-opted?) civil rights rhetoric? This is precisely what Andre Banks (of Colorlines Magazine) addresses in his oft-circulated essay, "The Price Of The Ticket" (James Baldwin, holler). Banks argues that African Americans have been "rendered invisible by the current deliberation on immigrant civil rights," and more specifically, notes that,

"The narrative of the immigrant as the symbol of hard work that leads to opportunity can mean nothing but alienation for Black people precisely because we know this myth is false. Without our labor - not immigrant labor, but slave labor - in the fields and on the march there would be no market brimming with wealth and economic opportunity, nor a tradition of civil and political rights readily available for appropriation and exploitation."

In other words, it's one thing to claim that "America was built by immigrants" but as Banks argues, implicit in that rhetoric is the avoidance of acknowledging that it was, in fact, Black slaves who built America's key economic (and by extension, political and social) institutions (especially prior to the large-scale influx of immigrants in the mid/late 19th century).

There's more to Banks' piece that I think is well worth people considering, especially around the collisions of race and class and the question of citizenship. Banks' attention to history is important here because he notes, quite importantly, that often the ways in which immigrants (especially but not exclusively of European origin) have acquired symbolic citizenship in American society has come at the detriment of the African American community. To put it in even simpler language, one could claim that to truly "become American," turning one's back to - if not outright oppression of - Black people is as much a prequisite as being able to recite the Pledge of Allegiance. With that understanding, it's easier to understand the ambivalence that some (it's not clear if it's most or even many) African Americans have towards the current IRM.

However, while I urge people to read Banks' essay in full, the one point I wanted to draw attention to is this: "Today's immigrants will find that without Blacks, and a commitment to challenge racism beyond the reach of immigration policy alone, their movement will lose both its moral authority and the practical victory it hopes to achieve."

Does the IRM really need the involvement and endorsement of the Black community in order to achieve a "practical victory"? I agree with Banks that, on a moral level, the IRM - as with many social justice campaigns - would do well to forge a cross-racial solidarity, especially if it insists on characterizing itself as "the new Civil Rights Movement" (as if the old one was over). However, I think realpolitik suggests that even if the IRM is mostly the result of Latino involvement, it has the demographic (and therefore political) clout to achieve some of its key aims - especially legislatively speaking - even if the Black community stands outside. Given the historical disenfranchisement of the Black community power (especially now, post-deindustrialization, post-COINTELPRO, post-crack, etc.), can they compel a seat at the table around the IRM? And if they can't, how will this affect whatever short-term goals the IRM has set for itself?

2) Shifting focus a bit, the other question I'm thinking about is what role do Asian Americans (APAs) play in the IRM? There have been several articles noting their relative absence despite the fact that they constitute a massive immigrant population. Theories given include: 1) lack of civic of participation ("we put the "APA" in apathy!"), 2) fear of deportation back to Asia (it's not easy digging a hole from China) and 3) Asian people don't care for undocumented immigrants, even "their own." That said, according to Sing Tao Daily, news coverage is following the issue closely even if people themselves are staying largely out of the rallies and organizations.

While it's true that the % of undocumented Asian immigrants is lower than that for the Latino population, it must be noted that any rights afforded immigrants are going to be equally shared - unless there's going to be legislation that's Latino specific (which won't happen), then Asian immigrants will almost certainly benefit from whatever gains are made. Likewise, any backlash is going to affect the APA community as well - Latinos might take the brunt of it initially but there's no way that APAs won't catch some of the heat too. Cajoling APAs into political action is rather difficult, I know (unless it's about stereotypical media images, ha), but I really can't imagine a more pertinent issue on the current events horizon especially considering that the majority of APAs are first-generation immigrants. If there's one lesson to be learned from history, it's that tensions around immigration will almost always find their way into this community sooner or later. Better to play a part than be left wondering what happened.

3) This is an interesting contrast: one community that feels left out of the conversation, another that presumably wants to stay out yet the IRM - whatever its successes and failures - is never going to stay contained to just brown/white color lines. Given that immigration is only going to become a more divisive political debate as we roll towards the November elections, we're really at the front end of seeing how this is all going to play out...as well as who the major players are going to be.

--O.W.

WHO'S GOT NEXT?

it's me, suckas!
During my travels with the Rap Sessions tour this spring, one interesting question arose: is there an emergent post-hip-hop musical style? In other words, if hip-hop took out rock music as the dominant American musical form, what's going to take out hip-hop?

This question, I think, has cropped up for two, interrelated reasons. First of all, hip-hop emerged in the last 1970s right around the same time rock was turning 25 years old (assuming you pinpoint rock n' roll's emergence in the mid 1950s). Well, hip-hop has now turned 25 as well and people who are fans of history-repeating-itself are now wondering if rap's reign can last much longer. The other factor too is the impression espoused by many that hip-hop's days as the rebellious, upstart new genre on the block are long, long over and it now occupies the same kind of dominant (and by extension, uninteresting) space in American pop culture life as rock music once did in the generation before.

There are obvious limitations and challenges to both presumptions but it is an intriguing question. I've certainly met people who treat hip-hop as the alpha and omega of youth/musical culture, as if nothing of real import existed before hip-hop and that the music's dominance now is eternal. I find that approach to be disturbingly parochial and ahistorical: hip-hop didn't exactly emerge fully formed in the world and while it may not disappear tomorrow, there is simply no way it's going to be the top dog forever.

Of course, I have NO idea what will replace it. Six months ago, you might have heard whispers about reggaeton, but not so much as a direct challenge to hip-hop's rule...more like an off-shoot that'd be popular enough to steal some fans away but isn't trying to gun for the throne. What I do like about that idea however is that it's not U.S-centric and it introduces the idea that you can have an emergent, popular and significant style that may have roots in American music but isn't necessarily centered in America. It also acknowledges the rising influence of Latino culture (albeit, very much an Afro-diasporic Latino culture) within American popular culture.

That said, I doubt too many folks really think reggaeton is that "next style," but regardless, this idea of a post-hip-hop music is worth considering. It's not even necessary for hip-hop to be "dead" in this context (though a few are pushing that point) - it's just that rap music will have to give way, at some point, to something new. Or will it?

--O.W.

PASS THE CHIPS

Still missing: the mother of all warning labels

I'm disappointed to learn that Frito-Lay has just agreed to warn consumers when its chips contain Olean (a.k.a. Olestra). In order to avoid a lawsuit from the Center for Science in the Public Interest, all of Frito-Lay's "Light" chips will now be marked with an Olean logo and a "Made with Olestra" banner.

Before I explain why I'm disappointed, here is a bit of background: In the late 1990s, Frito-Lay introduced WOW! chips containing Olestra. At the time, Frito-Lay was required to loudly announce the presence of the ingredient and include the warning label pictured above with the famous phrase, "loose stools".

Despite the warnings, weight-conscious people experimented with these new chips and absorbed the meaning behind the name WOW! -- as in, WOW! I am suddenly suffering from fecal incontinence! Or, WOW! Betcha can't eat just one chip before your stomach starts to cramp!

To nobody's surprise, the WOW! chips didn't go over well. Consumers immediately connected the product name with an exclamation mark to unwanted defecation marks.

But in 2003, after the Bush Administration put its stamp on the FDA, Frito-Lay was no longer required to include any Olestra-related warnings. Shady.

The FDA apparently considered the side effects of Olestra "mild and rare," in sharp contrast to studies by the Center for Science in the Public Interest, which concluded that Olestra's harmful side effects are many.

Most notably, the CSPI report on Olestra contains the following passage:

Olestra causes gastrointestinal disturbances, which are sometimes severe, including diarrhea, fecal urgency, and more frequent and looser bowel movements. ...

Although underwear staining and anal leakage do not endanger consumers' physical health, those phenomena could cause psychological problems, including feelings of embarrassment and insecurity. Children and teenagers, especially, are likely to be disturbed about having dirty underwear, fearing embarrassment in front of friends and family. Snacking should be a pleasure undiluted with problems like dirty underwear.

(Has there ever been a scientific study so full of disturbing, yet choice, phrases? What English major discharged the term "fecal urgency"? And what teenagers show their dirty underwear to their "friends and family"?)

As soon as the FDA relaxed its labeling requirements, Frito-Lay repackaged its WOW! chips as "Light" chips -- e.g., Doritos Light. So far as I know, they are identical to WOW! chips, except these bags don't contain any warnings. See below:

Until this week, the only way a consumer knew whether a product contained Olestra is if she had read the list of ingredients carefully.

Well now, after threatening litigation, the Center for Science in the Public Interest convinced Frito-Lay to place an Olestra label on the front of its "light" bags. (Frito-Lay still has no plans to print the potential side effects of Olestra again.)

*

So why I am disappointed upon learning about CSPI's noteworthy effort to force Frito-Lay to warn people about the presence of Olestra? Because it eliminates the fun.

Imagine how much more interesting a party is when the hosts are unaware they're feeding their guests food that causes anal leakage. It's like watching people mistake wasabi for green tea ice cream.

Of course, warning labels or not, you can always buy Frito-Lay's "Light" chips for your next party, pass them off as regular chips, wait for chaos to ensue, and watch as new meaning is brought to the phrase, "Pass the chips."

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #59

On second thought, maybe Mephistopheles isn't a great name for a baby.

This Week's Question:

You are pregnant and the probability is high you will go into labor tomorrow. Will you ask for a C-section delivery today to avoid having a child born on 6-6-6?

--Junichi

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?

And you thought Izzy was a questionable mascot? What was FIFA thinking?

A: I can't stop laughing.
B: It's bad enough that it's a lion in a speedo.
A: Seriously.
B: But the ball has a face on it too.
A: Yeah man. It's like Castaway gone amok.

--O.W.