BEST QUOTES OF 2009

As I've done for the past few years (click to see 2005 2006 2007 or 2008), I wrote down all the unbelievable, outrageous, inspiring, insipid, bewildering, or hilarious statements made this calendar year. Enjoy. - JPS


"Um, you guys said that we, um, did this for the show."

- Six-year-old Falcon "Balloon Boy" Heene, on CNN

"You don’t like black people, but you’re working your hardest to get as brown as I am!"

- a black teenager at Charleston High School in Mississippi, on the popularity of tanning beds for attendees at "the white-folks prom" in Mount Vernon, Georgia, where high school proms remain racially segregated, as quoted by the New York Times

"Thanks for bringing her violations to my attention. ... There's going to be swift action."

- Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, after his wife, Maria Shriver, was caught driving while talking on a cell phone, violating the hands-free law that he signed

“We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage…I think I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there.”

- Carrie Prejean, Miss California, during the 2009 Miss USA pageant

"The Governor is hiking the Appalachian Trail."

- Spokesman for South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford

"I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night's light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details..."

- South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, in a love email to Maria Shapur, his Argentinean mistress

"Right now, I’d give anything to be hiking the Appalachian Trail."

– David Letterman, after admitting to multiple intra-office affairs

"It's clearly not what my mom wanted."

- Michael Phelps, on the circulated photo of him smoking pot

"I know it wasn't rape-rape. I think it was something else, but I don't believe it was rape-rape."

- Whoopi Goldberg, on The View, on Roman Polanski's rape of a 13 year-old girl

"If only I'd listened to CNBC, I'd have $1 million today--provided I had started with $100 million."

- Jon Stewart, on The Daily Show, mocking CNBC'S reckless advice and predictions

"I think it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren's eyes if they continue that way."

- Sean Penn, in his Best Actor acceptance speech at the Oscar

"We are being told that we have to hope he succeeds, that we have to bend over, grab the ankles ... because his father was black"

- Rush Limbaugh, on President Obama

"You lie!"

- Rep. Joe Wilson, during President Obama's address to Congress

"I know the President is black, but this is not Showtime at the Apollo. ... Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, she took out her compact and drew in her eyebrows all furrowed."

- Bill Maher, in his opening monologue on Real Time with Bill Maher, regarding Rep. Joe Wilson’s outburst

"How'd you like to try an Australian kiss? It's like a French kiss, but down under."

- Kevin, an unemployed 23-year-old self-described "Southern gentleman" and reality show contestant on The Cougar

"You go from having a mommy website to finding your picture 5,000 miles away."

- Danielle Smith, whose family photo on her webpage was used, without permission, in an ad for a Czech Republic grocery store (see photo above)

"Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail, just have it as your telephone number. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye."

- Tiger Woods, in a voicemail message to cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs

"She didn't feel a thing."

- Kassim Bakari, about his 14-year-old daughter Bahia, who is the only person of 153 passengers to survive the Yemeni airliner crash

"It may be tempting and more comfortable to just kind of keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand, 'Hey, sit down and shut up,' but that's a worthless, easy path. That's a quitter's way out."

– Sarah Palin, explaining why she was resigning as governor of Alaska

"The human mind is like Van Halen. If you just pull out one piece and keep replacing it, it just degenerates."

- Fran Kranz (Topher Brink), on Dollhouse

"After we warm up before a game, I gotta take a dump. It's a huge benefit to release that gas you don't need. The facilities are beautiful. We're spoiled. If I get a good one, I know I'm gonna score two touchdowns."

- Leon Washington, running back for the New York Jets

"I know some people will see the irony here."

- Rodney King, promoting a boxing match between him and a former police officer

"She wears little eye-patch underwear. So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday--a lot! And so she'll, she's all, 'I am going up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me!' So messy!"

- California State Rep. Mike Duvall, caught on a live mic boasting to a colleague about an affair with a lobbyist

"I've never wanted kids... don't have the time, don't have the uterus."

- Jane Lynch (as Sue Sylvester), on Glee

"I want to make this statement. This is a real good statement here: Marshall and I — we own a record company."

- Joe Jackson, sneaking in a plug, while being interviewed shortly after the death of his son, Michael Jackson

"Now Taylor, I'm really happy for you. Imma let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time!"

- Kanye West, interrupting Taylor Swift, at the MTV Video Music Awards

"I totally understand O.J."

- Hulk Hogan, discussing his ex-wife

"Do I f@#$ing walk around and rip that --- no, shut the f$#k up, Bruce --- do I wa--- No! NO! Don't shut me up! Am I gonna walk around and rip your f@#$in' lights down in the middle of the scene...? Then why the f*@k are you walking right through? Ah da da da da, like this in the background. What the f&%k is it with you? What don't you f@#$ing understand? You got any f@#$in' idea about how... hey, it's f@#$ing distracting having somebody walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the f@#$ing scene! Give me a f@#$ing answer!"
- Christian Bale, during his tirade on set of Terminator Salvation, as DP Shane Hurlbut accidentally walked onto the set.  This also led to one of the greatest video mashups ever.



"Its a ASS suniami!!!!!!!!"

- Diddy, tweeting about callipygian women in Brazil

"Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining-room table. I have no interest in doing it."

- Rep. Barney Frank, to a woman at a town-hall meeting who dubbed health care reform proposals a "Nazi policy"

"Keep f***ing that chicken."
- New York news anchor Ernie Anastos to weatherman Nick Gregory, live on Fox 8



"If our mom knew, she would disown us."

- Adnan Qadeer, who owns an undercover garment business in Pakistan with his brother, which earns more than $1 million a year exporting fetish and bondage products

"Keep your government hands off my Medicare."

- Anonymous protester, according to the Washington Post, at a health care town hall in Simpsonville, South Carolina

"If there's one thing I hate, it's losing. If there's two things I hate, it's losing and getting cancer."

- Kenny Powers, in his motivational audiotape, on Eastbound and Down

"I bowled a 129. It's like -- it was like Special Olympics, or something."

- President Obama, joking on The Tonight Show, days before he profusely apologized to the head of the Special Olympics

"A book hasn't caused this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory."

- Tracy Morgan, on 30 Rock

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

- Model Kate Moss, before courting controversy from eating disorder experts

"People wanted bigger weddings, newer carriages ... They were buying things they didn't need."

- Marvin Lehman, Amish father of four, discussing why his community is struggling financially

"It is our duty to defend people’s votes. There is no turning back.”

- Mir-Hossein Moussavi, alleging voting fraud in the Iranian presidential election

"I wanted to tell everybody so you don't think I stole a Korean baby!"

- Katherine Heigl, who adopted a Korean baby, on Ellen

"Oh, Ann, I am so fine. As long as you and me are cool. You know my code. Hos before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. ... Ovaries before bovaries."

- Amy Poehler (Leslie Knope), on Parks and Recreation

"Why? Because I’m a black man in America?"

- Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr., to the Cambridge police officer who questioned him about entering his own home

"[Officials] willfully trained and encouraged the dolphins to throw water."

- attorneys for Allecyn Edwards, who is suing an Illinois zoo after she fell and injured herself on a floor made slippery by a dolphin show

"Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush."

- David Letterman, on Tareq and Michaele Salahi's crashing a White House state dinner

--Junichi

BEST QUOTES OF 2008

Yet again, staying true to my OCD, I wrote down all the unbelievable, outrageous, inspiring, insipid, bewildering, or hilarious statements made this calendar year. Enjoy. - JPS


"It is the best summary of his presidency, which is: everything looks perfect from his point of view."
- MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, remarking on the photo above of President Bush waving the flag backwards at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing


"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office."
- President George W. Bush


"Victims of stalking are not alone."
- Texas First Lady Anita Perry, at a press conference announcing the creation of a statewide “Stalking Awareness Month”


"Some people are saying McCain chose Sarah Palin to appeal to women who supported Hillary Clinton. ... This is crazy. You can't just replace Hillary Clinton with another woman and think it'll be okay. Bill Clinton has tried that and it did not go well."
- Craig Ferguson, on The Late Late Show


"We live in a capitalist society. Why shouldn't I be allowed to capitalize on my virginity?"
- Natalie Dylan, a Sac State graduate in women's studies, who is offering herself in an online auction to raise graduate-school tuition money


"I don't even believe in conflict diamonds. That's just a movie. Think about it. Ain't nobody thought about nothing about no conflict diamonds until the movie came out. Where was all that shit before the movie? That's the problem with people - they believe everything they read or see on TV. It's no different from The Blair Witch Project."
- Akon (Source) (Credit: Derek W.)


"Stand up, Chuck, let 'em see ya."
– Sen. Joe Biden, to Missouri state Senator Chuck Graham, who uses a wheelchair


"Now what's the difference between first and last place? Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes."
- Shaquille O'Neal, freestyling in a club, in a video widely circulated on the Internet, after the Lakers lost the championship


"I want his two badges back. Because if any one of my deputies did something like this, they’re fired."
- Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, explaining that he was revoking Shaquille O'Neal's special deputy's badge in Maricopa County because of the freestyle video mentioned in the previous quote

Click to view NSFW version

"I'm trying to have a little sense of humor about it, but there's a serious side of it, too, because with the kids. You don't want any kids seeing that."
- Vikings Tight End Visanthe Shiancoe, reacting to the fact that his penis was accidentally aired on FOX during a televised presentation in the Minnesota locker room


"To say that ['The Love Guru'] is not funny is merely to affirm the obvious. The word 'unfunny' surely applies to Mr. Myers’s obnoxious attempts to find mirth in physical and cultural differences but does not quite capture the strenuous unpleasantness of his performance. No, 'The Love Guru' is downright antifunny, an experience that makes you wonder if you will ever laugh again.
- A. O. Scott, in his New York Times review


"Studies show that no society that has totally embraced homosexuality has lasted more than, you know, a few decades. ... I honestly think it's the biggest threat our nation has, even more so than terrorism and Islam, which I think is a great threat. ... They're going after our young children as young as two years of age to try to teach them that the homosexual lifestyle is an acceptable lifestyle."
- Oklahoma Republican State Rep. Sally Kern, who stands by her comments


"My understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer."
- David Mamet, on Jeremy Piven's departure from the Broadway revival of Mamet's Speed-the-Plow, allegedly because of elevated levels of mercury in Piven's body


"Why is it every time a black man in this country gets too good at something, there's always someone coming around to remind us he's black. First it was Tiger. Then Donovan McNabb. Then me. And now Barack. I got a theory about that. It's a little complicated but basically it goes like this: We are a racist country. The end."
- Tracy Morgan, on Saturday Night Live

"This is from the widows, the orphans, and those who were killed in Iraq."
- Journalist Muntadhar al-Zeidi, who hurled both of his shoes at President Bush during a press conference in Iraq


"You are better off being homeless than being me."
- Britney Spears, to a stranger on the street


"See, Barack's been talking down to black people on this faith-based...I want to cut his nuts off."
- Rev. Jesse Jackson


"I need to know if she really thinks dinosaurs were here 4,000 years ago ... because she's going to have the nuclear codes."
- Matt Damon, on Sarah Palin, whose ascent he compared to a "bad Disney movie"


"It can never be bad to have a foundation as a man - a black man - in a time when women are dying for men. Women have started to become lovers of each other as a result of not having enough men. Are you not studying the stories? Wake up! Black love is a good thing."
- Usher, in an interview with Vibe Magazine


"I'm pretty sure there will be duck-hunting in heaven and I can't wait!"
- Gov. Mike Huckabee, in a speech to the NRA


"Only the lobbyists."
- New York Governor David Paterson, responding to a question about whether he, like Eliot Spitzer, had ever patronized a prostitute

"I should say if anybody wants to tape my conversations, go right ahead, feel free to do it. ... I can tell you that whatever I say is always lawful."
- Gov. Rod Blagojevich, the day before he was arrested based on evidence acquired in taped conversations


"You shoot at men who are fathers: war is completely stupid."
- Lazare Ponticelli, France's last surviving WWI vet, shortly before he died


"As long as there's a demand for gangsta rap, it will be supplied."
- T.I., at a Silence-The-Violence Panel


"I wonder if Bush's ass is kosher."
- Jon Stewart, after a medley of clips of Israel's Olmert complimenting President Bush, on The Daily Show


"Goodbye from the world's biggest polluter."
- President George W. Bush at the G-8 Summit, as he punched the air and grinned widely


"There was an energy bill on the floor of the Senate loaded down with goodies, billions for the oil companies, and it was sponsored by Bush and Cheney. You know who voted for it? You might never know. That one."
- Sen. John McCain, pointing to Barack Obama, during the second presidential debate


"For once in my life, when I say these words, 'I love you,' I really mean it."
- Ronald, Amazing Race finalist, to his daughter Christina


"Unfortunately, I have to follow the law."
- Interior Secretary Dirk Kempthorne, on being forced to list polar bear as a threatened species


"I tried [to kill myself], went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on. ... Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore."
- Eric Cartman, on South Park, explaining why his suicide attempt failed

"Isn't there a saliva type prostate exam?
- Deion Sanders, resisting the finger, on Deion & Pilar: Prime Time Love


"Is it really so easy to determine that smacking someone in the face to find out where he has hidden the bomb that is about to blow up Los Angeles is prohibited under the Constitution?"
- Justice Scalia, in an interview with the BBC


"I did learn something interesting [while at the Atlanta airport]. You have to be a member of the TSA in order to legally perform a cavity search. My apologies to the staff of Cinnabon, but you guys should really keep that extra frosting where the customers can find it."
—Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report


"[Sarah Palin] is as off-putting and gross as a pageant contestant but without the desire for world peace."
- Sarah Silverman, on MSNBC's Countdown


"They seem like public property."
- Dolly Parton, discussing her breasts


"Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech!"
- President George W. Bush to Pope Benedict at the White House


"Star Jones is now being called a 'cougar' because she's reportedly dating a much younger man. Star is also being called a cougar because she likes to hunt, kill and eat raw meat."
- Conan O'Brien


"I've now been in 57 states. I think one left to go."
- Sen. Barack Obama, at a campaign event in Beaverton, Oregon


"I want to give a shout-out to all my Saudi Arabian brothers and sisters. If you could all please send me some oil for my jet, I would truly appreciate it."
- Diddy

"Clearly, the picture shows a hand casting a rod."
- Meagan Mitchell, spokesperson for Vice President Dick Cheney, in response to speculation that the White House picture above showed a naked woman reflected in Cheney's sunglasses


"One plastic surgeon has written a book, My Beautiful Mommy. This book is to help kids cope with their parents' cosmetic surgery. It is a lot more sensitive than the previous children's book on the subject, Heather's Mommy Has Two Expressions."
- Stephen Colbert on The Colbert Report


"My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars."
- Gov. Sarah Palin, uttering a sentence that is unable to be diagrammed


"The most qualified? No! I think they went for this, excuse me, political bulls**t about narratives."
- Peggy Noonan, former Reagan speechwriter, caught on air on MSNBC during a commercial break dissing Sarah Palin as the VP pick


"All of 'em, any of 'em that have been in front of me over all these years."
- Gov. Sarah Palin, unable to name a single newspaper or magazine she reads, in an interview with Katie Couric


"It's moist, it's a wetland, it's a place where people come for fun. And when things go south, forget about it, shut it down."
- Jane Fonda, on the Today Show, explaining why New Orleans is the vagina of America

and finally, the censored quote of the year...

"You know, Meredith, I was too depressed after the 2004 election to remember any of this stuff."
- Junichi P Semitsu, contestant on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, explaining why he couldn't recall the answer to a $50,000 question about the number of voters in the 2004 election. That comment was edited out of the televised broadcast.

--Junichi

WHY CHARLIE RANGEL GETS A FREE PASS FROM ME

Bull Connor brushes the dirt off Rangel's shoulder

Congressman Charlie Rangel is in hot water for saying "You got to be kind to the disabled" after being asked why Democrats seem to fear Governor Palin.

He later said he meant to say "disadvantaged" and not "disabled."

Republicans claim to be outraged.

Admittedly, it was a poor choice of words.

But if you ask me, Charlie Rangel deserves a free pass. In fact, he can fumble all the words he wants.

Why? Because he is the author of the best quote in the history of modern sound bites.

Back in 2005, when Rep. Rangel was asked about what he thought of President Bush, he replied:

"If there's one thing that George Bush has done that we should never forget, it's that for us and for our children, he has shattered the myth of white supremacy once and for all."

Best. Quote. Ever.


(Hattip to Games of Berkeley)

--Junichi

BEST QUOTES OF 2007

Again, in keeping with my on-going losing battle with OCD, I wrote down all the outrageous, inspiring, offensive, enraging, insipid, bewildering, or hilarious statements made in 2007. Enjoy. -JPS


"Yeah, they got the eyes like they're Oriental, and, you know, it's all pulled. So make sure you do it right."
- Pat Robertson, noting that people like Fox News host Greta Van Susteren who get plastic surgery have strange-looking eyes


"Welcome to Scotland"
- Scotland's new slogan, which is what an ad agency came up with for a new "exciting" slogan after spending six months on the initiative and getting paid 125,000 pounds -- about $258,750 -- by the Scottish government


"Since when did I become the spokesperson for nappy-headed hos?"
- Wanda Sykes, on being contacted by every media outlet for her views on Don Imus. She also added, I "thought Imus died, like, nine years ago. ... [He has] one of those faces that belongs in the obituaries."


"I need to get a greater vocabulary than what I have and when I get mad and my brain searches for a word. I have to find different words and to do that you need to have more of an education."
- Duane (Dog) Chapman, on Hannity & Colmes


"Oh, it's not really a team. It's just a bunch of guys who like doing gymnastics!"
- Kenneth, after being asked by Will Arnett's character what team he plays for, on 30 Rock


"I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship. ... There wasn't one person in Sylvia's who was screaming, 'M-Fer, I want more iced tea.'"
- Bill O'Reilly


"During the Democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying, 'There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11.' Giuliani later responded, saying, 'Joe Biden sucks 9/11.'"
-Seth Meyers, Weekend Update


"Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don't want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her."
-Bill Maher

Actual Spirit Airlines Ad

"Not at all ... The most obscene thing we've noticed is what other carriers have charged to fly the Caribbean before Spirit's $9 fares."
- Juan Arbelaez, director of communications for Spirit Airline's Latin American market, when asked whether it was aware that their MILF ("Many Islands, Low Fares") marketing campaign had other implications


"Talk to you later, Buckwheat."
- Democratic Rep. Carla Blanchard Dartez, ending a conversation with Hazel Boykin, a black civil-rights veteran who had helped her campaign


"I will love you through your maggots."
- Midge Dallas, to her husband, behind whose bleeding head was an infestation of tiny bot fly larvae, after a trip to Belize


"As a child in the Deep South, I’d grown up fearing the lynch mobs of the Ku Klux Klan; as an adult, I was starting to wonder if I’d been afraid of the wrong white people all along. ... My worst fears had come to pass not in Georgia, but in Washington, D.C., where I was being pursued not by bigots in white robes but by left-wing zealots draped in flowing sanctimony."
- Justice Clarence Thomas, in his memoir, My Grandfather’s Son


"On the downside, Jefferson faces 235 years in prison. On the upside, now we know what it takes for the federal government to pay some attention to a black man from New Orleans."
-Jon Stewart, on the indictment of Rep. William Jefferson (D-LA)


"Go, Raiders."
- Robert Comer's last words before being executed in Arizona


"My idea of getting lucky in the men's room is when the motion sensor works on the faucet."
- David Letterman on Late Show with David Letterman


"I wish the Iranian people well, and only hope their experience with an inept, rigid ideologue president goes better than ours."
- Oliver Stone, after being refused from filming a documentary about Ahmadinejad in Iran


"In Iran, we don't have homosexuals, like in your country."
- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, at Columbia University


"We are what is wrong, and we must make it right."
- Al Gore, accepting the Nobel Peace Prize


"Yeah, well maybe next time, you will estimate me."
- Michael, to Jan, who said she underestimated him, on The Office


"Denzel Washington is part of every black family's household. Your mother loves him, your grandmother loves him -- he's the only man that your girlfriend can say, 'Oh, Denzel is fine,' and you won't say nothin' about it."
- RZA, on working with Denzel on American Gangster


"For someone who went to parochial schools all his life this is a very frightening thing that is happening right now."
— Rudy Giuliani, after lightning hit the building while he was discussing his views on abortion during a debate between the GOP presidential candidates.

"'You know, when your dad and I were first together we used to video tape everything. Everybody’s naked, hugging, kissing, all that good stuff and someone stole the tape.' And I remember when we were watching the film [Borat] and [her son] Dylan goes: 'You mean everybody has seen this?' And I said, 'Yes.'"
- Pamela Anderson, on what she told her kids before they watched the film Borat


"I'm more of a man than any liberal."
- Ann Coulter


"Pot. It mightn't kill you, but it could turn you into a dickhead."
- The tag line in an Australian government ad to discourage teenage use of marijuana


"A headline last Sunday about a Muslim man and an Orthodox Jewish woman who are partners in two Dunkin’ Donuts stores described their religions incorrectly. The two faiths worship the same God — not different ones."
- New York Times correction


"During this trial, I've had to sit there and listen to rie after rie."
- Stephen Sakai, a Brooklyn bouncer on trial for triple homicide, speaking in a comically fake Asian accent


"Robert Adler, the co-inventor of the TV remote, died this week at the age of 93. In accordance with his wishes, he will be buried between two enormous sofa cushions."
- Amy Poehler, on SNL's Weekend Update


"It's ready for a retarded president, why wouldn't it be ready for an African American president?"
- Chris Rock, upon being asked whether this country is ready for an African American president


"I fear that radical Muslims ... would love to see 'In God We Trust' stricken from our money and replaced with 'In Muhammad We Trust.'"
- Rep. Virgil Goode (R-Virginia), on the house floor


"DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE ISLAND IS?"
-Lost writer/producer Carlton Cuse's picket sign


"The American people believe English should be the official language of the government. ... We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto."
- Newt Gingrich

"Sting, you the only Police that's good in the hood!"
- Kanye West, while on stage with The Police, at Live Earth


"[My son] Casey died for a country which cares more about who will be the next American Idol than how many people will be killed in the next few months while Democrats and Republicans play politics with human lives."
- Cindy Sheehan


"That's because I read it."
- Rep. Dennis Kucinich, explaining why he was the only candidate at the Las Vegas Democratic debate who had voted against the Patriot Act


"Where did you two meet, an AMBER Alert?"
- Jack, to Liz , about Liz's much younger date, on 30 Rock


"There were only two of them, but they made a whole frontage: huge, compelling, pneumatic. They burst out of tight red dresses--preferably red--or teased among feather boas, or flanked a dizzying cleavage that plunged to tantalising depths. These were celebrated, American breasts, engineered by silicon to be as broad and bountiful as the prairie. With them, a girl from nowhere--or from Houston, Texas--could do anything. The body behind them waxed and waned, sometimes stout as a stevedore's and sometimes almost waif-like, matching the little-girl voice; but the Breasts remained."
- The Anna Nicole Smith obituary in The Economist


"When I have sex with my husband, I fantasize I am with a petite, hot young woman."
- Dolly Parton


"David Beckham's got my full support and the backing of all my people."
- Diddy

"No. there is an elephant in the way."
- Anonymous, in response to the above physics exam question


"People use music as a utensil to better themselves."
- Jessica Simpson


"As always, I rely on the jury system."
- O.J. Simpson, after a judge refused to dismiss his latest criminal charges


"Go back to Africa and do your gay voodoo limbo tango and wango dance and jump around and prance and run all over the place half naked there."
- Army Recruiter Sgt. Marcia Ramode in an E-mail to a gay black man seeking to enlist


"I want to be like Gandhi and Martin Luther King and John Lennon – but I want to stay alive."
- Madonna


"It has been reported that Rudolph Giuliani has trademarked the name 'Rudolph Giuliani' so other candidates can't use his name in negative campaign ads. ... For similar reasons, Hillary Clinton has trademarked the words 'ballbuster,' 'castrater,' and 'nutcruncher.'"
-Conan O'Brien


"I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our [children]."
- Caitlin Upton, Miss South Carolina Teen USA


"I love 'em ... except for the few sickos who write lesbian fan fiction about me and Bea Arthur.'"
-Betty White, on her fans, on Ugly Betty

--Junichi