HERE WE GO AGAIN

Miss Jones v2.0

Apparently, Asian people still make good targets on east coast radio.

In the spirit of Miss Jones and Hot 97, Monday's episode of New Jersey 101.5 FM's afternoon show -- "The Jersey Guys" -- featured hosts Craig Carton and Ray Rossi repeatedly mocking Asian accents, chanting "ching chong ching chong," and intimating that they moved out of the city of Edison because "Orientals and Indians" were taking over.

Discussing the Democratic mayoral candidates in Edison, the hosts said "Americans should vote for Americans," making clear that a Korean American candidate (and pretty much all people of color) do not qualify as Americans.

The hosts also asked their listeners, "Would you really vote for someone named Jun Choi?" -- which does not bode well for the political marketability of my own name.

Similar to the Hot 97 controversy, the station's general manager offered a weak apology saying the "Jersey Guys" did not mean to "hurt" anyone during their show, using the excuse of comedy as a defense.

I read through the transcript and I don't see any argument that these statements were intended to be comical.

(If you want a PDF transcript of the discussion, click here.)

I was reluctant to post anything about this, since these two colostomy bags sound like they would probably masturbate to the media attention. But the station's apology is especially vacuous and devoid of any remorse. And I salivate at the thought of these two bigots getting fired.

As you know, however, it took several weeks and lots of fuss before convincing advertisers to cancel their ads and before Hot-97 felt pressure to fire the producers of the "tsunami song," suspend Miss Jones, and make a million-dollar tsunami relief donation. (Sadly, most of the advertising businesses have returned and Miss Jones still hosts the morning show.)

So here's the question: Is this a battle worth choosing?

I say yes.

(Credit: Yangerbanger!)

--Junichi

SHAMELESS PLUG: YELLA if ya HEAR ME!

For those in Southern California this Saturday, you can come check out Jimmy Thong Tran, Leonard Shek, and yours truly compete in a slam poetry showcase judged by Miss Info and DJ K-Sly, among others.

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE READING THE PLUG...

YELLA if ya HEAR ME!

The Asian American Slam Poetry Showcase

THE CONTESTANTS:

Junichi Semitsu, Director of Poetry 4 the People

D�Lo, New York Public Theatre

Danie Jung

SKIM, member of Black Korea

Justin Nakasone

Leonard Shek, member of Proletariat Bronze

Adriel Luis, 2004 San Francisco Slam Champion

Jimmy Tran, featured on HBO�s Def Poetry Jam

Asia Continental

THE GUESTS:

MISS INFO

[HOT 97 and VH1�s Best Week Ever]

DJ K-SLY

[100.3 the Beat, Dance 360, and Steve Harvey�s Big Time]

PK

[Host of the World Famous Laugh Factory]

KEN OAK

SHIHAN the PROTOTYPE

[Resident Performer of Russell Simmon�s Def Poetry Jam]

DUANE & AL B.

ZERO3

(scheduled to perform)

Saturday, April 30^th; 7 pm @ Jung Dong Theater

505 S. Virgil Ave., 3^rd Floor (6th and Virgil)

(parking available on Westmoreland and 6^th)

Tickets available now, but going fast!!

www.projektnewspeak.com

projektnewspeak@gmail.com

_____________________________________________

WHERE TO GET TICKETS:

You can pick up LIMITED PRESALE DISCOUNTED tickets at:

1) YELLA if ya HEAR ME! staff members

www.xanga.com/projektnewspeak | www.projektnewspeak.com

For West LA pick up: Grant Sunoo (gsunoo@hotmail.com)

For Garden Grove area: Helen Yoo (yoo_helen@yahoo.com)

2) KAC Office: 3727 W. 6th St., Suite 515, KTOWN, LA 90020

(corner of 6th and Harvard) | ask for Eddie Kim

| Monday - Friday 10 am to 6 pm | www.kacla.org

3) Purchase tickets through PayPal on www.projektnewspeak.com

4) IF PAYING BY CHECK, please make all checks payable to:

PROJEKT NEWSPEAK

MAIL TO: Projekt NewSpeak

Attn: Eddie Kim

410 S. Oak Knoll Ave., #2

Pasadena, CA 91101

All seats are on a first come first serve basis

Tickets are $10 presale; $12 at the door

$20 VIP ticket stubs can be used for FREE ENTRY to afterparty on Saturday...location TBA.

See you all at the shows.

It's the movement!

YELLA if ya HEAR ME! staff, 2005

www.projektnewspeak.com | www.xanga.com/projektnewspeak

any questions? Send inquiries to: projektnewspeak@gmail.com

--Junichi

OFF THE DAISY CHAIN

Hey Kids! Abstinence is fun!

Throughout my educational experience, the school nurse's sole responsibility was to distribute ice packs or bandages to treat all ailments such as gaping wounds, chicken pox, or cancer.

But according to this article, school nurses in the UK are counseling students increasingly engaged in sexual adventures such as "daisy chaining," where children are swinging and having group sex.

Do I sound like an old man if I say, "what's the matter with kids today?" When I was in school, I couldn't imagine anybody swinging with me. And I'm talking about playground swings.

Perhaps the United States should ship a crate of Band-Aids across the pond to help their school nurses stop the impending outbreak of venereal diseases.

I suppose it's stories like these that delude some parents into believing their children would avoid sexual experimentation if they removed sex education from schools of if they installed the newly Bush-approved ClearPlay mechanism, which apparently skips over all the sex, violence, and profanity in DVD movies.

--Junichi

YOUR GOOD DEED FOR THE DAY

Stop Sexual Harrassment at The Source petition.

Meanwhile, there's still an hour left on eBay if you want to buy The Source.

--O.W.

LACTOSE AND INTOLERANCE

Men are from Mars, Gas is from Venus

Milk. It does not do my body good.

Same goes for 50 million Americans, about 25% of the American population, who suffer from lactose intolerance.

When we lacto-haters drink milk or eat other dairy products, we suffer from symptoms which may include abdominal bloating, cramping, excessive intestinal gas, nausea, and explosive diarrhea, or what medical experts commonly refer to as an "ass attack."

But not all Americans suffer equally. Only 15% of white Americans are lactose intolerant.

Whereas,

• 70% of African Americans
• 75% of Jewish Americans
• 53% of Mexican Americans
• 74% of Native Americans
• and 90-100% of Asian American adults

are lactose intolerant. Arabs, Italians, and Greeks also have substantially reduced lactase activity. (Sources: here, here and here.)

What's the explanation?

The paranoid in me wonders whether milk is the latest plan in a genocidal conspiracy dating back to small pox-infested blankets and the Tuskegee Syphilis experiment.

But the explanation for the racial/ethnic disparity is rather innocuous: the longer a person's ancestors have been drinking milk, the more likely their bodies produce enough of the enzyme lactase.

So while bovines may be free of bigotry, the federal government, on the other hand, is udderly guilty of cultural bias.

Despite the decades-long presence of these undisputed statistics, the US Dept. of Agriculture's newly-released food pyramid scheme still recommends drinking three cups of milk a day. Indeed, the USDA requires every public school serve milk. Plus, millions of taxpayer dollars are used to promote and subsidize milk and other dairy products.

Why? The Department of Agriculture is basically Tom Green, shamelessly drinking from the teat of the dairy industry.

So the next time you see one of those "Got Milk?" ads, remember that those milk mustaches are about the same color as the population that can digest it without getting gassy.

Catch my drift?

--Junichi

ON THE ROAD AGAIN

S's sister is about to hit the road to drive from NY to LA and when she asked me for recommendations for music to drive to, I offered to put together a mixtape of some of my favorites...which got me thinking:

What are some of your favorite road songs?

I went through my digital music library and pulled out a random list of songs I'd throw on for a long road trip. I also got a few colleagues to contribute their own lists. Feel free to add your own to the comments section.

O-Dubya

1. A Tribe Called Quest: Excursions
2. Amerie: One Thing
3. Beatles: Day Tripper
4. Cure: Close To Me
5. Jay Z: P.S.A.
6. Led Zeppelin: Your Time Is Gonna Come
7. Linda Lyndell: What A Man
8. Pharcyde: Passin’ Me By
9. Pixies: Here Comes Your Man
10. Ramones: I Wanna be Sedated

Todd Inoue, Music Editor, SJ Metro
(in sequential order)

1. AC/DC - Highway to Hell
2. Judas Priest - Living After Midnight
3. Big Country - In a Big Country
4. The Eagles - Take It Easy
5. Tony! Tone! Toni! w/DJ Quik - Let's Get Down
6. Jade - Don't Walk Away
7. Rap Reiplinger - Fate Yanagi
8. Steely Dan - Black Cow
9. Beautiful South - You Keep It All In
10. Blow Monkeys - Digging Your Scene
11. Pete Rock and CL Smooth - T.R.O.Y.
12. DJ Shadow - Midnight in a Perfect World
13. Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World

Hua Hsu, Writer/Scholar/Sox Nation

1. The Breeders - Safari
2. Clearlake - Almost the Same
3. Colin Blunstone - Caroline Goodbye
4. David Bowie - Heroes
5. Dr. Dre - Let Me Ride
6. ELO - Mr. Blue Sky
7. Freeway - What We Do
8. Iggy Pop - The Passenger
9. Jesus and Mary Chain - Head On
10. Kool G Rap and Nas - Fast Life (remix)
11. Metallica - Enter Sandman
12. Primal Scream - Loaded
13. Sergio Mendes - Berimbau
14. Showbiz and AG - Soul Clap
15. The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
16. The Zombies - Care of Cell 44

Junichi Semitsu, Poet/Teacher/Poplicker

1. Where Do I Begin - Beth Orton
2. Red Alert - Basement Jaxx
3. Make Room - Tha Alkaholiks
4. Beverly Hills - Weezer
5. Ain't No Stoppin' Us Now - McFadden & Whitehead
6. Kenny Rogers/Pharoahe Monch Dub Plate (Simon Says/The Gambler) - Wyclef Jean
7. Fast As You Can - Fiona Apple
8. Frontin' On Debra (DJ Reset Mash-Up) - Beck, Jay-Z & Pharrell Williams
9. I Wonder If I Take You Home - Lisa Lisa & Cult Jam
10. The District Sleeps Alone Tonight (DJ Downfall Mix) - Postal Service
11. Award Tour - A Tribe Called Quest
12. Rush - Big Audio Dynamite II
13. Pass That Dutch - Missy Elliott
14. Super Bon Bon - Soul Coughing
15. Hyperballad - Bjork

--O.W.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #3

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

This Week's Question:

What album are you most embarrassed to admit you own?

--Junichi

AFFIRMATIVE NEWS?

Sign of the Times?

It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a village of lots of pale Asian and white people to justify opening a tanning salon there.

When I was a Berkeley undergrad during the previous millennium, there was never a tanning business on Telegraph Avenue, one of the main drags near the Cal campus.

But thanks to Proposition 209, which decimated the black & Chicano/Latino population on UC's flagship campus, there's a tanning salon on Telegraph now.

Another sign of the times is Berkeley's black graduation and Chicano/Latino graduation ceremonies. When I was an undergrad, these celebrations packed the Greek Theater. Today, there are so many empty seats, you'd think you were attending a Tag Team/Buster Poindexter double-header.

Of course, if after reading about the "rising numbers" in this week's articles on the latest UC admission statistics, you might have concluded that underrepresented minorities are doing better than ever.

Here's one representative paragraph of news coverage:

Students admitted in each ethnic group were also up from last year when combined across the system. Among African-Americans, Latinos and Native Americans – those deemed by the university to be "underrepresented minorities" – admissions grew by 1,300, or roughly 14 percent.

But I scanned the raw statistics for Berkeley's freshman admissions for Fall 2005, which can be found here.

Fall 1997 to Fall 2005 Admit Data for all-UC and UC Berkeley

While the numbers of American Indian, Chicano/Latino, and African American high school students admitted to UC Berkeley did rise relative to last year, the current numbers pale in comparison to the admit class of Fall 1997, which was the last group admitted before the UC was banned, by law, from considering race as a factor of admissions.

In fact, as you can see in the above table, when comparing the Fall 2005 numbers to the Fall 1997 admit statistics, the number of American Indian students dropped from 61 to 42, a decrease of 31.1% (if I've done my math correctly).

The number of Chicano/Latino Berkeley admits dropped from 1,216 to 1,097, a decrease of 9.8%.

The number of African Americans dropped from 525 to 262, a decrease of 50%.

Meanwhile, the number of Asian Americans increased from 2,500 to 3,491 - an increase of 39.6% - and the number of white students increased from 2,247 to 2,906, an increase of 29.2%.

And, of course, if you compare the Fall 2005 statistics to the racial demographics of today's California high school population, you'd think we're still living in the Jim Crow era.

And maybe we are.

--Junichi

SUPPORTING EDDY

UPDATE: Eddy Zheng is still facing deportation for his 1986 convictions, even though Governor Schwarzenegger indicated that he poses no threat to society.

Eddy's deportation hearing is set for May 9, 2005 at 1pm in San Francisco. 630 Sansome St (@ Washington), 4th Floor.


TO CONTINUE READING...

He has the support of numerous legislators, his prosecuting attorney, his family, civil rights lawyers, and many supporters, but still could use your help.

Today is the last day to send a letter in support of Eddy to stop his deportation.

Letters need to be received by his lawyer tomorrow (Friday) morning. Please click here for instructions on how to send a support letter on his behalf. At this point, they need to be faxed to his lawyer's office at 415.981.3003.

Links:

Eddy Zheng's blog

My original post about Eddy

SF Bay Guardian: Money for Nothing

Sacramento Bee: Inmate Wields Blog in Deportation Fight

Hyphen Magazine: Eddy Zheng's Last Chance

--Junichi

THE NAKED TRUTH ABOUT CARROT TOP

Why nobody dials down the middle

True story: A few years ago, after a good run at the blackjack tables and nine too many complementary virgin margaritas in Vegas, I decided to take a break and pay the exorbitant $20 one-time fee to use the Treasure Island gym/spa.

Upon completing a grueling cardio workout during which I burned at least 37 calories, I went to rest in the lounge of the men's locker room. I plopped down my sweaty eczema-laced butt on a plush couch, watched TV, and began to consume what would eventually add up to 2000 calories worth of complementary juices and pretzles.

In the middle of my hour-long cool-down, comedian Carrot Top, donned in one of the spa robes, walked past me to enter the men's sauna. At first, I was unsure it was actually him, but there was no confusing his pockmarked face and the aura of his C-list celebrity status. I also recalled that Carrot Top was scheduled to perform at the MGM Grand that weekend.

15 minutes and 3 bowls of pretzles later, I was still resting on the couch. Carrot Top came out of the sauna and walked by me again.

But this time, he was buck nekkid.

And yes, I saw Carrot Bottom.

This is a story that my grandchildren will certainly be telling their grandchildren.

--Junichi

THE MEASURE OF A MAN

American Idle

After Clay Aiken visited Dr. Phil today to discuss how he was bullied, and after learning about the Clay Prayer Project in which his fans conduct a 24-hour prayer chain for him, and having read about his recent diva tantrums, I feel strangely compelled to share the following poem of mine:

TO CONTINUE READING...
Idolatry

by Junichi P. Semitsu

I must brave the hysteria
sprawling the Grand Cecum Mall
plant myself at the snake tail
of cerulean-haired grandmothers
and tween orthodontic patients
lined up to meet You
Clay Aiken

When my turn arrives
& I to eye with You
the idol / the man / the almighty
seated in the regal chair
normally occupied by Santa Claus
& the Resurrection Rabbit

I will ask You
to autograph your name
under the well-endowed title
of your debut CD
The Measure of a Man
laser-etched with your impassioned testimony
that if you were invisible
you would watch me in my room
& make me yours tonight

I will pray for a picture
me nestled next to your pixie frame
to grace the wallpaper
of my laptop
& my living room
lavished with life-size statues of you
I financed on clayaway

I will present you a Sharpie
rip my fan-shirt open
beg you trace
my tattoo of your earthy name
CLAY
the C hinged on my sole blade of chest hair
the Y leaning against my left areola

& I will say
Woe the day
America relegated you
its top runner-up
when Ruben Studdard
the velvet teddy-devil from the 205
squashed your elfin 919 spirit

But my faith remains
Aiken not stirred

I would still sacrifice
my every night
& weekend minutes
to cast more ballots for you
than all the candidates
who contested the Bush Dynasty
combined

I can't keep enough copies
of your Christmas album
to harmonize with your ringtones
I downloaded onto my Clay-T&T

I worship at the South Orange County Chapter
of the Church of Claymates
where we genuflect toward your anemic feet
& proclaim you
no false idol

My Lord
Your name is never
to be forsaken

You are my master

& I am forever
Aiken
for you

--Junichi

WHEN THE POPES COME

Look, I'm not trying to be blasphemous but doesn't this photo of the newly named Pope Benedict the 16th (did we really need a 16th Benedict? Were all the other names taken?) seem to just ask to be captioned as such:

"arise Lucifer, Prince of Darkness!
I summon thee to do
my evil bidding!"

--O.W.

ISHLE PARK IN BERKELEY

Ishle, Fa Shizzle

For those in the bay area, Ishle Park -- the Poet Laureate of Queens, NY (who beat out Run D.M.C. for this position!)-- will be performing for free in my Poetry for the People course this Wednesday, April 20 at 6 pm in Berkeley. Come check her out!

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE READING THE PLUG...

ISHLE PARK
THIS WEDNESDAY EVENING
April 20, 2005
6 pm

UNIT 2 RECREATION ROOM
2650 Haste Street (between Bowditch and College) - Click here for map
Located at the lower level of the center building in the Unit 2 Residence Hall Complex
Berkeley, California

FREE!

This will be both a performance and a Q&A session. Afterward, she will be available to sign books.

You can read more about Ishle here.

--Junichi

SAVE ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

Lord, I've really been real stressed, down and out, losing ground.

As a writer, I have a tendency to be hyperbolic, but let me say that I do not exaggerate when I proclaim that Arrested Development is the best sitcom in the history of television.

Last night's season finale was orgasmically satisfying and an astropotamus present from the show's creators to all the show's fans. As usual, the brilliant writers stacked hundreds of jokes into 22 minutes, referencing countless previous episodes.

The humor is so multi-layered that there are several websites like this one devoted to cataloguing the references. Thanks for the link, Hank!

Sadly, despite winning multiple Emmys and stimulating countless television critics' circle jerks, AD still has poor ratings and is facing cancellation. Fans like myself are especially panicked after Fox cut the season from 22 to 18 episodes.

(Sidenote: I never imagined that I could be heartbroken over a television show ending; I often ridiculed those who devoted their energies to saving M*A*S*H, Star Trek, Another World, etc. from cancellation.)

But here I am, begging you to do whatever you can to help save this show. Most of all, watch the show. Buy Season 1 on DVD. Write Fox. Sign this petition or visit this site to save the show. Often. Blackmail your Nielsen friends into tuning in.

The writing, acting, and directing on this show is so deliciously good that I can easily create a Top 10 list of my favorite things about each episode.

For those who watched last night's series finale (or for those who like spoilers), here is my list of favorite moments from Episode 218:

TO CONTINUE READING...
TOP 10 FAVORITE MOMENTS FROM LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE OF ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT

10. Michael jokes that Franklin the Puppet can attend the club now that he is white-washed.

9. Conservative girlfriend Ann rejects George-Michael's suggestion that they kiss because "This isn't Mark Cherry's [creator of Desperate Housewives] house."

8. Kitty not-so-discretely reveals that her AA sponsor is John Laroquette from Night Court.

7. GOB and Franklin's duet: "It ain't easy being white / It ain't easy being brown. All this pressure to be bright / I got children all over town."

6. Kitty, Tobias, and Lucille all flash their chests.

5. Ron Howard (the narrator) explains that the cousins in Maeby's remake of "Dangerous Cousins" were presented as not-biologically-related in order to avoid scandal; later, after cousins Maeby and George-Michael kiss, he narrates that they may not necessarily be biologically related.

4. Oscar: "I was going to share my Pop Secret with you, but forget it!"

3. One of the signs at the protest: GOD DOESN'T CARE ABOUT RATINGS (Thanks, TiVo.)

2. Another reference to Tobias' ambitious sexuality when he says that was in the bathroom on his knees in front of the toilet (but because of his eating disorder).

1. The following dialogue:

Michael (in jail): Well, when you see GOB, tell him I've got a nice hard cot with his name on it here.
Lucille: You'd do that do your own brother?
Michael: I said cot.

(How do they get this past censors?)

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #2

Pictures from the "one-handed mime trapped in a box" contest.

This Week's Question:

Who has a better shot of winning the presidency: Condoleeza Rice or Hillary Clinton?


P.S. Given the wealth of interesting responses to Question #1, any entrepreneurs interested in manufacturing a few bumper stickers?

--Junichi

EMP WRAP-UP

I spent the week at the EMP Conference up in Seattle, now in its 4th year. For those who don't know much about it (which I'll assume is all of you, except those who've actually been), the EMP Conference was begun to bring together pop music writers, scholars and artists together for three days in order to present papers and dialogue about a diverse range of issues. The New Yorker's Alex Ross wrote up a somewhat snarky review of the 2003 Conference, though now that SF/J is on the conference committee, I think it's safe to assume we won't see a repeat of that same, semi-dismissive attitude. Moreover, the Conference has improved immeasurably in the last two years, especially as more women and people of color have been in visible attendence, thereby shaking up its image as being the provincial bastion of white male critic/scholardom (though, in reality, pop music writing and study is still largely dominated by white men). (1)

For me, what I've gotten out of the conference, especially this year, is just a renewed vigor for ideas. That may sound odd, but when you make your living from intellectual work, ideas are your lifeblood...so when you hit spots where you feel uninspired and cynical, you're basically choking off your own career. EMP reinvigorates my passion for thinking and writing about music in all its myriad complexity and beauty.

Equally important, this is a great opportunity to just hang out with superbly smart and stoopid cool people that I only get to see at events like these. On Friday night, I waited over 90 minutes for a table at a Seattle soul food restaurant but I hardly minded since it gave me a chance to hang out and talk with folks like Ann Powers, Daphne Brooks and Sonnet Retman . (It's funny too - Sonnet, Ann and now I, all have young daughters and I realize that having kids suddenly means you belong to this club where most everyone is happy to have you as a fellow member.)

Not to mention, I got to spend some quality time with folks that I converse with regularly but rarely get to see because of geographic distance: Jay, Hua, Jon, Joe, Julianne, etc. Bloggas unite! (Well, ok, Joe still needs to get a blog. Hop to it!)

Enough name-dropping though. Here's a few presentations that stood out to me (good or otherwise).

TO CONTINUE READING...

1) Ernest Hardy, a writer at the LA Weekly whom I have always had tremendous admiration for, spoke on, "Un(w)rapping the Faggotry in Hip-Hop," which examines how even a culture as overly heteronormative and conventionally masculine as hip-hop hides many layers of queerness beneath its frame. My favorite comment from him came during the Q&A session when someone asked why albums covers for recent CDs by 50 Cent and The Game are so homoerotic. To paraphrase Hardy's response: "what's funny is that all these super-macho, homophobic rappers show up to their photo shoots where they're styled by the most flaming queens out there. They end up being dressed up and made over to resemble these queens' fantasy images of them." Hate it or love it.

2) NYU's Jaylyah Burrell gave a fantastic paper on the figure of the "bourgie broad" in hip-hop songs, i.e. middle class women who become targets of scorn by rappers like Jay-Z and Kanye West (think Jay's "So Ghetto" or Kanye's "All Falls Down" video). What's so great about Burrell's paper is that it taps into a rich set of discourses around not just class, but gender, race, male/female relationships, etc. What I also thought was interesting is that it's not cool to be a bourgie broad but these rappers will brag about how bourgie they've become - I mean, Jay is rapping about his Evisu jeans, okaaaay? I think the key difference is that rappers rap about heir self-made upward mobility whereas the bourgie broad is assumed to be either a trustafarian or attained her status through a man's money, but almost never her own struggle.

3) Joe Schloss gave a kick ass presentation on b-boy anthems such as the Incredible Bongo Band's "Apache," and Jimmy Castor's "It's Just Begun." What was particularly spectacular was the fact that Schloss - who's been studying and practicing b-boying the last two years - gave a presentation to illustrate how the anthems work. However, even without having to see Joe pull off some nice handstands (I suspect Jay Smooth will bust out the digi pics very soon), his presentation was excellent in its ability to explain the role of these b-boy classic songs withing the larger history and community of b-boys. Joe is probably the sharpest new scholar on hip-hop that I know out there and it's amazing to me that no forward-looking university has given him a tenure track position yet. He's a remarkable teacher and scholar. NYU - holla at my boy.

4) UCLA's Robert Fink gave an incredible paper at last year's conference, a breakdown of the history of the ORCH 5 chord - which you have ALL heard even when you didn't know it (two words: "Trans-Europe Express" or, if you prefer, "Planet Rock"). This year, Fink tackled the question of how and why certain rappers sample from classical music, specifically breaking down how Xzibit and Dr. Dre flipped on Bach for "Symphony in X Major" and Rza and Ghostface chopped up more Bach on "Soul Controller."

Keep in mind - as Joe and I have often lamented, there are many scholars who present on hip-hop when it's instantly clear that they have relatively little knowledge (let alone personal investment) in the music/culture, etc. I'm not trying to play gatekeeper - I'm just being real about this. Hip-hop is hot in the academy and scholars (myself included) are known to bandwagon just as much as journalists and other culture-watchers do.

I don't know if Fink spends his off-time listening to DJ Whoo Kid tapes or polishing a complete set of ATCQ vinyl - what I do know is that he does his homework. In his paper presentation, he clearly demonstrated that musicology can contribute something to our understanding of hip-hop and vice versa and that Fink represents both spheres responsibly. At one point, he was describing how Rza chopped up a Bach concerto and remarked, "as it's well known, Rza doesn't quantize," which is common knowledge among "heads" but it's rare that I've seen a professional musicologist seem as comfortable with explaining how Rza's production techniques work while simultaneously arguing that Ghostface's romanticizing of death is reminiscent of Wagnerian operatics. I might not have understood all the Italian terms Fink was using but his paper was compelling in its depth and scope.

I'll have more to add in a part two, later this week.

---

1. Speaking on this issue, I found Bob Christgau's comments in a recent Seattle Weekly interview with Michaelangelo Matos to be a bit confusing. From what I recall, Xgau actually raised a concern about the conference's lack of diversity during the first (or maybe it was the second) year. In the interview, unless I'm reading him wrong, he seems dismissive of that complaint. It's not a big deal or anything, but I was struck at how odd that read.

--O.W.

WEEKEND WRAP-UP: IT'S DARK AND THIS CAR IS HOT EDITION

Due to racial stereotypes, DMX is still considered a better driver than Jet Li.

• Why does DMX still have a driver's license? DMX was arrested for crashing into a cop and causing a three-car collision on a major New York City expressway. This is, of course, only a few months after DMX pretended to be a federal agent, tried to steal a car, and then crashed a different car through the JFK Airport parking lot gate. Apparently, y'all done made him lose his mind (up in there, up in there).

• You're caller #9! You win a public announcement of your sexual orientation! Roberto Hernandez is justifiably suing the "Raul Brindis and Pepito Show," a Spanish-language morning radio program for which he sells ads, for tricking him into thinking he was having a private conversation on his cell phone and then outing him without his consent. I thought English-radio morning shows were homophobic, but apparently, on-air mockery of the LGBTIQ community is even more pervasive on Spanish-language radio and television.

• The Importance of Money-Back Guarnatees: Speaking of private matters going public, Blake R. Steidler was apparently so unhappy with his penile-enlargement surgery that he mailed explosives to his plastic surgeon. Congratulations, Blake R. Steidler! Not only have you just told the world that you had penile-enlargement surgery, but now everybody knows that you are a terrorist with a temper problem! Apparently, the shorter the fuse, the short the ...

• Bear-Backing News: A few months ago, the San Francisco Zoo had a contest to let the public decide what to call two new grizzly bears. But the Zoo decided to sell out and offer naming rights to the highest bidder. Which is to say, we'll probably soon see Goldenpalace.com One mating with Goldenpalace.com Two.

• Finally, Tom Tomorrow is on point, again:

--Junichi

FRED KOREMATSU

National Monuments: Fred Korematsu and Rosa Parks

This afternoon, I attended the memorial of the late Fred Korematsu, a soft-spoken but fierce soldier in the fight for racial justice. It was a packed house at Oakland's First Presbyterian, filled with so many people whose lives he touched.

Fred was a self-described common man who apparently loved hot dogs and sukiyaki. But his life became anything but commen when he, during World War II, defied the President of the United States who ordered him and 120,000 other Japanese Americans to be sent to internment camps. While this 23-year-old welder from San Leandro clearly believed Executive Order 9066 was immoral and unjust, he also avoided the camps to be with his lover at the time, who was Italian American. He even got plastic surgery to try to disguise his Japanese ethnicity.

But Fred was eventually arrested and sent to live in the horse stalls at the Tanforan Relocation Center and then eventually to the concentration camp in Topaz, Utah. Refusing to listen to those who cautioned him against being a "troublemaker," Fred agreed to challenge the constitutionality of the government's actions and took his case all the way to the Supreme Court.

Though a majority of the Justices ruled against him, declaring that the government's actions were necessary, District Court Judge Marilyn Patel, in 1983, eventually vacated his conviction and lambasted the government's actions. This helped pave the way for the Civil Liberties Act of 1988, which provided minimal reparations and a congressional apology to those who were interned.

In 1998, he received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Clinton, who compared him to other civil rights heroes in the history books: Homer Plessy, Oliver Brown and Rosa Parks.

I especially admire Fred because he remained a strong spokesman against intolerance, even into his eighties. After 9/11, he often spoke up to express his solidarity with Muslim Americans, Arab Americans, and South Asian Americans. He also filed an amicus brief with the U.S. Supreme Court to support two prisoners who challenged the Bush Administration's policy of detaining persons without formal charges, without a hearing, without access to counsel or judicial review.

Fred was the rare American who loved his country and challenged its government at the same time. As Dorothy Eherlich of the ACLU Northern California said, Korematsu was "a patriot who opposed the Patriot Act."

Fred was also a humble man who smoked from a pipe and spoke with a dry sense of humor. According to filmmaker Eric Fournier, when Fred was invited to have dinner with Justice Breyer, he first inquired how the Justice voted on Bush v. Gore.

Apparently, he referred to Sinatra/Anka's "My Way" as his song, which I find fitting:

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

Thanks for speaking up, Fred. I remain in your debt.

R.I.P. Fred Korematsu.
January, 30, 1919 - March 30, 2005.

The family is asking that donations be made to the The Fred Korematsu Civil Rights Funds at the Asian Law Caucus, 939 Market St. #201, San Francisco, California, 94103; American Civil Liberties Union of Northern California, 1663 Mission St., San Francisco, CA 94103 and also the Memorial Fund at The First Presbyterian Church, 2619 Broadway Street, Oakland, CA 94612.

--Junichi

THE SWAN (LITERALLY): PLASTIC SURGERY FOR ANIMALS

Danny: Best in Show or Breast in Show?

During the last few years, scandal has tainted many of our competitive sports: Stereoids and baseball. Kobe and basketball. Tax fraud and Survivor.

But the sport tarnished with the most Clintonesque of stains is the Crufts Dog Show, held annually in Birmingham, UK.

Back in the spring of 2003, rumors began circulating that Danny, the three-year Pekinese dog who won the "Supreme Champion" top prize at Crufts, had received a face lift.

At first, I assumed that these were just vicious rumors spread by jealous bitches and their human owners.

But while Danny's title has never been stripped away, allegations of Danny's facelift have been deemed credible in the doggy dogg world.

As it turns out, Danny seems to have spawned a contagious outbreak of animal plastic surgery.

Dr. Edgard Brito, for example, now specializes in providing wrinkle-reduction, eyebrow-correction, facelifts, and botox for dogs. He opines that, "Beauty is desirable. We all like talking to someone who looks good and smells nice. It's the same with dogs."

Indeed, since most show judges can't tell when an animal has received a nip/tuck, many pet "guardians" have resorted to plastic surgery to "fix" hereditary defects and enhance their pets' chances for a trophy. Some surgeons have apparently even concealed missing testicles by attaching a prosthesis.

One of the most blatant examples of overkill is Neuticles -- testicular implants for neutered pets to help them feel less emasculated. The company recently upped the ante with its new Neuticles UltraPLUS® with ScarRetard.

So now, pet show enthusiasts never know when some chihuahua has been injected with Restylane to permanently raise its flaccid ears.

Even worse, as the standard of pet beauty shifts toward the Pamela Andersons of the pet world, animals undoubtedly feel pressure to surgically alter their appearances.

I know this firsthand because ever since Animal Planet started airing Extreme Makeover-type shows, my dog seems less excited about licking himself and is far more selective in the bums he chooses to sniff.

So the next time you spend quality time with your animal companion, sharing a dessert made for humans and animals, tell him/her, "You are beautiful -- no matter what they say."

Because otherwise, you might come home to find your pet looking like this:

--Junichi

INTERNET INSANITY

what's your sign?
1) This is so wrong but once you start reading all the sanctimonious posts in the comments section, you realize how genius a little prodding can be to bring out people's inner sphincters.

2) I don't profess to know much about weed carrying or what that term even means but I recognize a ridiculously clever set of posts when I see them.

3) See, we told you google's satellite mapping was cool. Well, Junichi didn't. I think it still is though.

--O.W.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN NO MYSTERY, GOD

adisa comes rough, tough like an elephant tusk
Even if you don't really give a damn about The Source drama or not - you HAVE to listen to Adisa's podcasts about how the Source is trying to jerk him. Dude is like the Kayslay of hip-hop podcasters.

Lyrical Swords Blog - listen to all five podcasts listed under the April 12th banner.

Pure, brilliant comedy (in a good way).

--O.W.

HIP HOP LIT

two tomes for your mind

I've been derelict in plugging Adam Mansbach's new book sooner. Angry Black White Boy dropped about a month ago and not only is this my man Adam's second novel, it's his first that engages with the politics and culture of hip-hop and so far, it's gotten rave reviews. Even better - I made a mix-CD to go with it. In the next week or so, I'll get around to actually plugging the CD myself (just haven't had the time) but Turntable Lab and The Giant Peach both have copies of it for now.

More recently, my man Brian Coleman self-published a really incredible book - Rakim Told Me, which, in Coleman's analogy, fills in the space of all the missing liner notes that should have accompanied classic '80s rap albums like Schoolly D's Saturday Night, Eric B and Rakim's Paid In Full, Big Daddy Kane's Long Live the Kane, Public Enemy's It Takes a Nation of Millions and others.

These are all based on first-person testimony that Brian collected through his many years as a music journalist and more specifically, writing the Classic Material column for XXL. Ironically, it was my bad not to recruit Brian for my own Classic Material but at least I can make itty bitty amends by saying that Rakim Told Me is an incredible resource just to have these stories documented. Not only does the book include the artists' voices on how they made the album, but each chapter also breaks down the LP in question, almost song by song. For example, I didn't realize on D.O.C.'s "Funky Enough," they replayed "Misdemeanor" because it couldn't be sampled properly.

What's really amazing to me is that publishers passed on Brian's book to begin with. In true hip-hop DIY fashion, he just put it out himself. Order it direct.

--O.W.

SECRET SERVICE INSPECTS ART

Most of my heroes don't appear on no stamps.

The New York Times reports that the Secret Service just visited an art exhibit in Chicago because of the above fake stamps created by the brilliant artist Michael Hernandez deLuna.

Scary.

I have no further comment at this time.

Well, maybe one: deLuna's and Michael Thompsons' coffee table book, Stamp Art, is a brilliant photo collection of their home-made counterfeit stamps. The book features those stamps the artists sent to themselves from abroad and that were successfully accepted by the various postal services.

This fake Lewinsky stamp is one of my favorites.

--Junichi

HERE KITTY KITTY

hunt or be hunted

--O.W.

BRITNEY IS PREGNANT

One of the two men in this photo is the father.

On Britney Spears' newly-designed website, which I check every time the long hand on my clock is pointing to an even number, Britney Spears announced that she and her husband Kevin Timberlite are expecting a child!

She also stated that she is "thankful for your thoughts and prayers" and that "Kevin might have the most potent sperm on earth."

If you go here, you can send them a personal message, like, for example,
Hit your baby one more time!Oops! You did it without protection!Not too late for a pre-nup, Brit.It's not an embryo, not yet a viable fetusI'm a slave 4 ur baby!Yikes..

And that's the kind of important pregnancy-related news that you can count on here at Poplicks.

Now here below are similarly worthless music-related commentary:

• Much to my disappointment, R. Kelly's new song, "Trapped in the Closet," is not a confessional about his secret life as a gay man.



• I propose a new law about hip hop videos: only one song per video! When did it become normal for artists to add on a 30-second clip of another song?



• I can't decide which one I feel more guilty about: liking Will Smith's "Switch" or liking Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone".



• Live 105 is now apologizing for having played Limp Bizkit, when they have so many bigger things for which to pay penance.



• With her new album "The Emanicipation of Mimi," I think Mariah Carey's comeback might be around the corner. Especially when she tells her story of being enslaved by "Mimi" until Lincoln signed that proclamation.



• No joke: Lil Jon is writing the script for a feature film called: "What?"

--Junichi

RESURRECTING THE SOURCE = DEAD AGAIN

Allhiphop.com reports that Benzino has resigned from The Source. There are some classic quotables here, such as, "Everyone is too politically correct. They’re not thinking about the little guy who can’t afford to pay for high priced ads," but the main issue here is that The Source could be poised for a true transformation with Benzino gone and David Mays purpotedly looking for a buyer. I'm not saying new ownership would be a panacea, but it couldn't get much worse than it is now. The Source - a magazine, mind you, I used to write for - might still have a street readership who could care less about its internal politics, but amongst writers and journalists, the mag carries no weight. It's a joke, a shadow of a shadow of its former self.

With new blood though - smart new blood that is - there's no reason why the brand can't make a turn around. Right now, it's really XXL and to a lesser extent, Vibe, and that's it. The market is ripe for a real competitor to enter the fold and try to shake things up a bit. I'm a huge fan of XXL under Elliot Wilson's tenure but there's no reason why another mag couldn't find a way to strike a different, but equally compelling chord. Bring back James Bernard. Make Jeff Chang the Politics Editor. Have folks like Jon Caramanica and Kris Ex overseeing the music features.

Make me Reviews Editor. (Seriously).
Ok, so never mind. It was all a dream, trying to resurrect Source Magazine. It looks like Benzino is back at the Source, even if he and Mays have one helluva lawsuit to contend with. I don't even know where to begin but Kim Osorio's sexual harrassment suit is just the latest evidence that these two men have managed to run a once reputable publication into the ground...and then straight into hell. Of course, I don't know if the people who read the Source actually give a damn since, despite losing almost all credible staff they once had, the magazine still has a large circulation. One key question will be how advertisers will react to this latest round of bad news, including the fact that Benzino has returned to the mag.

--O.W.

RUMMY, PLEASE! (AND MORE NEWS BITS)

the scary thing? he's actually smiling here
Donald Rumsfield, during his recent surprise visit to Iraq said, ""We don't really have an exit strategy. We have a victory strategy."

*pause*

What is truly remarkable is that some people actually buy this rhetorical shellgame but apparently folks can listen to that and not snicker at how blatantly stupid it is. It's almost as bad as Benzino claiming yesterday that he's returning to the Source to make the magazine, "bigger and better."


"whatever!"

---

•My hybrid brings all the boys to the yard, and they're like, it's better than yours. I don't know about the rest of the country but even the cheapo gas here in S.F. is at least $2.50/gallon. $3/gallon is so close, you just know it's around the corner. Even though it cost me $25 to put less than 9 gallons in our Prius the other day, I'm still snickering at all the SUV drivers who have to really suck it up at the pump. 40mpg (at least), okaaaaaaay?

•This video is making the rounds online but it really, truly will leave you completely speechless. You'd think (hope) it was a joke but its earnestness is what makes it completely unbelievable.
(credit: Soulstrut.com)

•Wait - have we never had a talking Jesus doll before?

•You've heard the Yin Yang Twins get their whisper on, but have you heard the ladies psss-psss back? And you thought Khia got nastee.

--O.W.

ON THE EXTREME ENDS OF INFLUENCE

Time's Most Influential Caricatures

The latest edition of Time Magazine features their second annual list of "The 100 Most Influential People in the World Now."

The list includes a wide assortment of people like Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas, ex-convict Martha Stewart, the BlackBerry inventors, North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, actress Hilary Swank, Senator Barack Obama (already?), fashion designer Miuccia Prada, CEO J-Hova a.k.a. Jigga-man, News Corp. tycoon Rupert Murdoch, baller LeBron James, Ukranian President Victor Yushchenko, Secretary of Evil Donald Rumsfeld, and Satan hereself: Ann Coulter, among others.

As interesting as their list may be, I don't find it nearly as thoughtful and engaging as ...

The 100 Least Influential People in the World Now

Among the honorees:

• President Gerald Ford
• John Oates, of r&b duo Hall & Oates, who claps in "Private Eyes"
• Gail Halladay, Product Publicist for the Mormon Tabernacle
  
• Actor Clint Howard
• William Powell Lear, inventor of the 8-Track
• Molly Clay, editor of SexyFandom.com, an adult Trekkie site
  
• Gangsta rapper Skee-Lo
• Procrastinators' Club of America, distributor of Last Month's Newsletter
• Clarence Thomas, Supreme Court Justice
  
• "Baby Jessica," young adult (no longer a baby) and no longer stuck in a well
  
• Michael Frost Breckner & James Gorman, script writers for Cutthroat Island
• Lumidee, singer
  
• Larry Elppin, Wal-Mart greeter in Malden, Missouri:

• Bunny D. and Lady Tigra, lead vocalists of L'Trimm
• John Wayne Bobbitt, adult film star
• Rick Dees, radio host & comedian
• Arthur David Macias, nude knife-wielding messenger for the anti-Christ
• Daisy Fuentes, model
• Fred Durst, vocalist
  
• Paulette McWilliams, Firefox on Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo
  
• Billy Bush, correspondent
• Nikko Smith, American Idol two-time reject
• Harry Snyder, former Director of the Office of Surface Mining, Dept. of Interior
  
• Pete Best, fifth Beatle
• Marc Price, Skippy on Family Ties
• Roger Ross, 'Animal Pet Doctor,' author of "Dog's [sic] with Diarrhea"
  
• My aunt, Kimiko Butaniku :

• Aaron Brown, news anchor
• Layzie Bone of Bone Thugs 'n Harmony
• Joan Lunden, former talk show host
  
• Bradford L. Brooks, inventor of the laser pointer
  
• Prince Charles, Prince of Wales
• Kevin Costner, actor
• Leslee J. Unruh, Founder and President, Abstinence Clearinghouse
  

and, to preempt the inevitable retaliatory comment for my inaccurately being perceived as mean-spirited:

• Me

Who's missing from this list of the least influential?

--Junichi

DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS (THE REALITY SHOW)

The last time you may see the two people in the middle alive

Jon Ingalls, a friend of mine, is a writer on "Popularity Contest," a new reality show on CMT, Country Music Television. (How does one "write" for a reality show?)

The premise of this show is that ten city slickers move into the tiny farming town of Vega, Texas (pop: 936) to compete to be named the town's "most popular" resident.

I know it's a reality show tradition for the non-white contestants (if any exist) to be eliminated early.

But I think this show is going to be different. As a former non-white resident of a small rural farming town, I'm going to predict that the two black contestants will not be voted off early.

Rather, I believe the Texans will chase, lynch, bomb, drag, shoot, or cross-burn the black contestants folk off the show.

You can check out showtimes here. Who knows? This might be compelling television.

--Junichi

RANDOM ROUND-UP

now he's on the south beach
1. Apparently, "'C" is For Celery" now, over at Sesame Street. Is that good enough for thee?

2. I always joke with Sharon that Design Within Reach should really be named Design Out of Reach since who really can afford to spend $850 for a wall clock? That's when S pointed me to Design W/O Reach which shows you how to make one of these clocks out of tootsie pops. (We like tootsie pops around here, for obvious reasons).

3. Look, I like Star Wars as much as the next guy...it was a formative film in my own life...but sometimes, I'm embarassed to share my fandom with folks like these. Where's Triumph the Insult Dog when you need him? (Ok, even I have to admit, though the rumors are that Ep III is potentially worse than its two predecessors...the trailer is rather fire.)

4. Asian Americans have complained about white actors playing Asians in yellowface...but what do you do when the complaint is Chinese playing in Japanface?

5. Not to hate but since when did the world really need another Asian American women's magazine? I'm looking forward to the Audrey vs. Asiance beef.

6. Last, but not least, Asian babies are everywhere! Better Luck Tomorrow's Parry Shen has a baby girl. Salute!
(Items 4-6, credited to Angry Asian Man)

--O.W.

THIS WEEKWEAK IN POLITICS

no florida tourist should leave home without one
1. Florida passes "Stand Your Ground Bill" which allows people to shoot people, in public, on the grounds of self-defense (source: Miami Herald). First of all, I didn't realize it wasn't ok to defend yourself if someone's trying to kill you - whether publically or privately. However, the more you read into this law and its origins, you seriously wonder how paranoid Floridians must be.

For one thing, as the state's own statistics bureau shows, violent crime with firearms has dropped dramatically over the last eight years. One wonders who Floridians have to start packing to defend themselves against (unless it's one another). Has there been a rash of people getting attacked in broad daylight and people failing to defend themselves out of fear for breaking the law?

The idea that this bill is meant to deter crime seems rather naive but then again, if the state starts creating hundreds of Bernard Goetzes, maybe muggers will hightail it to Georgia or something. The problem is that you have to expect that there's going to be a lot of accidental deaths arising from this - if the only justification you need to put a hollow tip through someone's skull is that you feel threatened, I have visions of many black and brown bodies starting to litter Florida's streets.

Why not just legalize preemptive shootings? If you think someone might intend you harm, just shoot 'em first. Works for President Bush, right? Why not Jeb Bush's state too?

2. I'm not crying out "conservative media conspiracy" or anything, but how is it that a prominent GOP leader ODs on a cocaine/oxytocin speedball at Carrie Fisher's crib and barely anyone makes a peep about it? More to the point, I know Fisher's had a history of substance abuse but who knew her parties were so raging? Can she invite Karl Rove over next time? Or even just Rush Limbaugh - we already know how he's got a taste for oxy.

--O.W.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #1

Welcome to the launch of Pop Licks -- the dual/duel effort of O-Dub and Junichi.

Grab a seat. Make yourself at home.

Among other things, we'll start off each week with a "Question of the Week" for everyone to ponder and comment.

Can you kick it? Yes, you can.

Let's start off light ...


QUESTION OF THE WEEK:

If you could take one line from a song and put it on a bumper sticker, what would you choose?

--Junichi