BEST SONGS OF 2005

(I originally posted this over at Soul Sides but decided to dupe it for Poplicks. --O.W.)


10. The Game feat. 50 Cent: Hate It Or Love It
From The Documentary (G-Unit/Interscope, 2005)

Th Game and 50 Cent's duet on “Hate It Or Love It” might seem rather bittersweet now that they, you know, hate each other but that doesn't change the fact that it’s a great song. The musical hook (taken from The Trampps) is rich and soulful, the chorus is clever and catchy and The Game’s underdog-on-top attitude makes this a strong anthem for up-and-comers everywhere. The fact that 50 would remix the song (albeit sans The Game) shows how good it was to begin with despite potentially bad memories of having to work on it with his now-nemesis. If you listen to the soundtrack of Get Rich or Die Tryin’ you’ll notice that many of the tracks on there try to duplicate this formula but none get it down as well as “Hate It Or Love It” does.

9. Lone Catalysts: One's We Miss
From Good Music (BUKA, 2005)

If this were just an instrumental, it'd still be one of my favorite tracks of the year; it's one of J-Rawl's best tracks I've ever heard (and he's got a grip of great ones). The soulfulness is perfect. But what makes it such an outstanding song is the pairing between Rawls' beat and J-Sands' lyrics that are part eulogy, part dedication to the memory of some of music and culture's great icons. Rock, rock on, ya'll.

8. UPC All Stars: Don't Get Discouraged
From 12" (Soul Cal, 2005)

This previously unreleased early '70s song comes from the same folks who brought you Omaha's L.A. Carnival. As I noted back in July when I first posted it, it's such an incredible song; it's mind-boggling that no one released it before. The track opens with that gorgeously relaxed keyboard riff before giving way for the brass section's power and then the song becomes this fantastic late-night jam. Plus, the song is so positive, it could be the anthem for a scrappy Little League team.

7. Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings: All Over Again
From Naturally (Daptone, 2005)

This album track lives up to the ideal of being timeless. Whether 1965, 75 or 2005, it manages to be beautiful, melancholy and ultimately uplifting. It’s so good I’m using it on an compilation I’ve curating – also as my closing song. No other track would have fit quite as well. Nuevo-soul? Retro-soul? Who cares - it's just exquisite soul.

6. Common: Be
From Be (Good/MCA, 2005)

People calling the album a 5 star effort seriously need to get their ears checked; some great songs, sure…but end-to-end burner? Far too inconsistent and even a little boring to qualify for classic status. That said, the album opens perfectly with the title track.  It’s as good as anything Kanye produced on his own album and while Common’s constant introspection can border on syrupy at times, this manages to strike exactly the right note of sharing a personal moment on record without sounding like he’s navel-gazing.

5. Legendary K.O.: George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People
From k-otix.com (2005)

Credit Houston's K-Otix (aka the Legendary K.O.) with not only being one of the first to respond to the Katrina/New Orleans debacle with a topical song, but doing one that manages to be humorous, poignant and enjoyable, all at once (if you've heard some of the other songs, you'll know that it's not easy to be even one of the three). Sure, it helps that they simply jacked the beat for "Gold Digger" but that's precisely part of its charm: the song was meant to be something cut dirty and quick but its legacy has become, well, legendary.

4. Three 6 Mafia feat. MJG, 8-Ball and Young Buck: Stay Fly
From The Most Known Unknown (Sony, 2005)

Just when you thought everything out of the South was crunk or snap music, Memphis’ Three 6 turn to ‘70s era soul legend Willie Hutch and his song “”Tell Me Why Our Love Turned Cold.” A Southern posse cut for the ages, the song throws on Young Buck and MJG for a cut that seamlessly weaves together ‘70s blaxploitation, ‘80s electro and the fast chatter rapping that’s all the rage throughout the South now. Hands down, this is the best club cut of the year: if you can’t move to this, you just can't move.

3. Young Jeezy feat. Jay-Z: Go Crazy Remix
From 12" (Def Jam, 2005)

This nails the definition of “anthem.” Start with the Curtis Mayfield horns – the song announces itself with such authority from jump that you’re hooked instantly. The album version was tight (though I’m not sure we needed four verses from Jeezy) but the remix dumps the weak Fat Joe verse, gets Jeezy down to two and then gives Jay-Z an extended burst of lines: “I’m an 80s baby/master of Reagonomics/school of hard knocks, everyday college.” I keep jabbing rewind on this.

2. Kanye West: Heard 'Em Say
From Late Registration (Roc-A-Fella, 2005)

Ok, even if Kanye is using this song to shill for Pepsi (we don't want to knock the hustle but couldn't he have picked something else? I dunno, "Crack Music" maybe? After all, cola used to contain cocaine...), we still think it's one of the best on the album and just a remarkable song, period. Jon Brion's influence is subtle but that's precisely what makes it outstanding: he gives the track an added depth and nuance which only enhances the striking piano-lead beat. And while it's not a superbly deep song lyrically, the mix of both optimism and realism is poignant; you should see the Michel Gondry-directed video to really appreciate it. Besides, Kanye was, hands-down, the hip-hop artist of the year. He's not perfect but right now, he's good enough.

1. Amerie: I Thing (Siik Remix)
From Siik.org (2005)

I initially wrote about this as a sublime example of what a summer song should be like but even in the dead of winter (well, dead of a California winter), its charms haven't faded at all. Here's why: this is technically a mash-up since it's Amerie's acapella floated over the song "Arurian Dance" by the Nujabes from the Samurai Champloo soundtrack...however, while some mash-ups work because they take two, relatively incongruent pieces of music and manages to find a synergy between them, this remix by Siik sounds as if Amerie was MEANT to record her song with that music. If you want proof of intelligent design, forget studying flagellum: just play them this.

--O.W.

2005 MUSICAL REWIND

10. Fill in the Blank * Not to cop-out, but there' s a few albums that could all vie for this spot but I honestly don't feel strongly enough about any of them to pencil them in. Contenders would include:

•Amerie's Touch.

•Atmosphere's You Can't Imagine How Much Fun We're Having.

•Lil Wayne's The Carter II.

•M.I.A.'s Arular.

•Missy Elliot's The Cookoutbook.


9. Naturally - Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings * A welcome departure from anyone who thinks today's R&B sounds too much like yesterday's hip-hop. How can you be mad at a group that cribs their musical notes from Atlantic, Stax, Motown and Hi? This is like the best Lyn Collins + The Meters + Al Green album they never made together. Songs: "How Long Do I Have To Wait," "All Over Again."

8.  True and Livin' - Zion I * Hey, someone in the Yay has to bridge the hyphy horde with the backpackers (though I suppose that Keak + DJ Shadow song falls into that camp too). It's not often that you find hip-hop artists coming into their own by their third album but Zion I jump way ahead lyrically, musically, etc. on this effort.  Songs: "The Bay," "Temperature."

6 (tie). What the Game's Been Missing - Juelz Santana

Let's Get It: Thug Motivation 101 - Young Jeezy * Bragging about crack 2005 = winning freestyle battles 1995. Santana gets points for actually including instructions for how to cook crack in his art work though Jeezy did come up with the snowman t-shirt logo. In both cases, neither rapper is coming with stories you haven't already heard from Scarface or Jay-Z but what they may lack in originality, they make up for in moxy and mic presence. Even more simply, they make "Hot Shi™" and indeed, Hot Shi™ is what the game's been missing. Songs: (Santana) "Mic Check," "Oh Yes." (Jeezy) "Go Crazy (Remix), "And Then What."


5. The Documentary - The Game * He's like one part thug rapper, one part hip-hop nerd. Say what you will about his endless name-dropping but The Game still managed to put out a string of Hot Shi™, including "Hate It Or Love It.," "Put You On the Game," "No More Fun and Games," etc. His public scuffling with 50 Cent is either inspired or insipid (think: a little of both) but it makes for entertaining moments; just peep his latest mix-CD and the song, "Testify." Songs: "Hate It Or Love It," "Put You On the Game."

4. The Further Adventures of Lord Quas - Quasimoto * Eclectic and eccentric in all the right ways; creative without trying to be clever. You can't really listen to it as a collection of songs; it's more like a fun ride at the amusement park that you can ride as many times as you want. (It's also a welcome break to Madlib's prolific but often tepid production everywhere else.) Songs: It doesn't really matter. Just jump to any track and press "play."

3. The B. Coming - Beanie Siegel * I'm surprised this album isn't on more lists: unlike other faux-motional albums, Beanie doesn't have to pen emo-rap ballads bemoaning his (then) upcoming incarceration or be annoyingly defiant on every song (see Lil Kim's Naked Truth). Instead, his dark and contemplative mindset infuses the entire album's sound and feel. When people describe a hip-hop album as "mature," it always seemed tagged to the audience rather than the artist but this is one example where the inverse is true. Songs: "Purple Rain," "Change."

2. The Beauty and the Beat - Edan * If you want a short and concise rap album with compelling music and an iconoclastic vision, forget Common's overrated Be. This is the album that you should be listening to. It's cohesive, coherent, and never lets up in energy from the first moment to the last. It's also one of the very few albums I could listen to from end to end without reaching for the FF button. Songs: "Fumbling Over Words That Rhyme," "Making Planets."


1. Late Registration - Kanye West * Go ahead, hate on it, hate on him. It's not a perfect album; hell, even I wouldn't listen to half the songs on this if I had the choice. But amongst mainstream albums, it is, by far, the most musically ambitious of the whole lot and more importantly, the songs where everything comes together: "Heard 'Em Say," "Gone," "Late," etc. aren't simply some of my favorite of the year, but are songs that I know I'll listen to in three years and still be geeked off of (thus separating the Hot Shi™ from the Good Shi™). Songs: "Heard 'Em Say," "Late."

What I'm waiting for in 2006:
(unranked)

1. Ghostface: Fish Scale
2. OutKast: Idlewild
3. Pharrell Williams: In My Mind
4. Rhymefest: Blue Collar
5. The Clipse: Hell Hath No Fury
6. The Coup: Pick a Bigger Weapon
7. M.O.P.: Ghetto Warfare
8. Q-Tip: Live At the Renaissance

I'll be posting up my favorite songs of the year on Soul Sides later this week.

--O.W.

DOUBLE TRUE

At this point, "Lazy Sunday," better known as the "Chronicles of Narnia Rap," has scored the erudite liberal media trifecta: first the Village Voice blog, then Slate.com, and today, the New York Times. All we need now is something in the New Yorker's "Talk of the Town" column (3 to 1 odds say it will use Magnolia Bakery as the hook) and this fad will have all but officially jumped the shark from clever, zeitgeisty moment to 2005's "Rick James, bitch" stale gag.

Not that I don't like the song - it's certainly entertaining enough and does have some excellent, quotable lines (the Aaron Burr/Hamiltons joke is an insta-classic, as is "Mr. Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious"). But I really don't need to hear one more person opining, "this is better than actual hip-hop!" which, to me, you could only say if you really don't listen to any actual hip-hop. Goofy funny hip-hop is all around us. Ok, provided, much of it is unintentional but c'mon - the funniest rap song of the year, hands-down, is "My Humps." Meanwhile, I hear 7L and Esoteric are about to file suit against Samberg and Parnell over flow biting while both J-Zone and Paul Barman are no doubt asking themselves why they never thought to write songs for SNL skits.

Frankly, one of the first blogosphere notes about the song should have been the last. Back on December 19th, less than 48 hours after the skit originally aired on SNL, Sasha Frere-Jones said, "This Saturday Night Live routine is pretty much my nightmare, like people telling me they really like Danger Mouse, even though they don't usually like rap. What is difficult to process that, while hideous on paper, this routine is quite good, both as comedy and as a piece of rap music, even the delivery."

That's everything you need to know or think about the song.

(I do wonder if business at Magnolia has picked up?)

--O.W.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #39

The Real Goblet of Fire

This Week's Question:

What was your favorite film of 2005?

--Junichi

BEST QUOTES OF 2005

As part of my OCD, I wrote down all the outrageous, inspiring, offensive, enranging, insipid, bewildering, or hilarious statements made in 2005. Here are my favorites ...


ON KATRINA & THE WAVES

"Brownie, you're doing a heckuva job."
- President Bush, to FEMA director Michael Brown, while touring hurricane-ravaged Mississippi, Sept. 2, 2005

"What I'm hearing which is sort of scary is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle) – this is working very well for them."
- Former First Lady Barbara Bush, on the hurricane evacuees at the Astrodome in Houston

"What didn't go right?"
- President Bush, as quoted by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, after she urged him to fire FEMA Director Michael Brown "because of all that went wrong, of all that didn't go right" in the Hurricane Katrina relief effort

"I was impressed by [Michael Brown's] willingness to accept responsibility for how incompetent everyone else was. He candidly admitted he was too trusting, too able, too overskilled to deal with all the retards around him. Overall, Jon, a heartfelt and stirring you-a culpa."
- Rob Corddry, correspondent on The Daily Show

"You simply get chills every time you see these poor individuals...many of these people, almost all of them that we see are so poor and they are so black, and this is going to raise lots of questions for people who are watching this story unfold."
- CNN's Wolf Blitzer, on New Orleans' hurricane evacuees

"George Bush doesn't care about black people."
- Kanye West, live on NBC's Hurricane Katrina fundraiser

"The U.S. government announced it would not accept more than 300,000 meals donated to Hurricane Katrina victims by the British. A U.S. government spokesperson explained that the Katrina victims have suffered enough."
- Conan O'Brien

CURRENT EVENTS

"I question it based on a review of the video footage which I spent an hour or so looking at last night in my office. She certainly seems to respond to visual stimuli."
- Sen. Bill Frist, diagnosing Terri Schiavo's condition during a speech on the Senate floor

"Reporter Bob Woodward testified this week that a White House informant revealed the identity of CIA agent Valerie Plame to him weeks before her identity was disclosed. And, as he did during Watergate, Woodward nicknamed his informant after the day's most popular porno movie. Which has everyone wondering...just who is 'Anal Debutantes #34?'"
- Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live

"I have more guts in my broken little finger than you have in your whole body."
- Emily Lyons, former director of nursing at the women's clinic that Eric Rudolph bombed in Birmingham, AL, who underwent 21 operations and lost sight in her left eye as a result of the explosion, in a statement to Rudolph the day he was sentenced to life in prison

"They're very well treated down there. They're living in the tropics. They're well fed."
- VP Dick Cheney, defending the treatment of prisoners in Guantanamo Bay

"According to the latest poll, only 2% of African Americans think President Bush is doing a good job. The percentage would have been higher, but Condoleezza Rice has a small family."
- Conan O'Brien

"I think the President should look across the country and find the most qualified man, woman, or minority."
- Senator Trent Lott, on Bush's potential Supreme Court nominee

"I think with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, you can't play, you know, hide the salami, or whatever it's called."
-Democratic Party Chairman Howard Dean, urging President Bush to make public Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers's White House records

"Usually when I see a German guy on a balcony with an adoring throng underneath him, it tends to make me a little nervous."
- Dennis Miller, on the new Pope

"I am not going to give you a number for it because it's not my business to do intelligent work."
- Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, asked to estimate the number of Iraqi insurgents while testifying before Congress

"If Al Qaeda comes in here and blows you up, we're not going to do anything about it. We're going to say, look, every other place in America is off limits to you, except San Francisco. You want to blow up the Coit Tower? Go ahead.'"
- FOX News Channel's Bill O'Reilly, after San Francisco voted to ban military recruiters from city schools

"This is the kind of thing that I think separates the men from the boys in leadership. Do you have the testicular virility to make a decision like that, knowing what's coming your way? ... I say I do."
- Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, describing his decision to stand up to his father-in-law in a family feud that the governor says has culminated in a grand jury investigation

"Cheney is hated as the most cruel monster and bloodthirsty beast, as he has drenched various parts of the world in blood."
- Kim Jong Il

"I do know that it's true that if you wanted to reduce crime, you could, if that were your sole purpose, you could abort every black baby in this country, and your crime rate would go down." -Bill Bennett, former Education Secretary and author of "The Book of Virtues"

"You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that."
- President Bush, to a divorced mother of three in Omaha, Nebraska

MISCELLANEOUS

"She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!"
- Joe Simpson's thoughts on daughter Jessica's breasts, as quoted in Blender Magazine

"AhhhhhhhhKellyClarkson!"
- Steve Carell, getting his chest waxed on The 40 Year-Old Virgin

"When a virgin screams your name, you know you've made it."
- Kelly Clarkson, on being asked whether it was the ultimate validation when Steve Carell screamed "AhhhhhhhKellyClarkson!"

"Please don't recount this vote."
- Al Gore, adhering to the Webby Awards' five-word limit on acceptance speeches, after receiving the group's Lifetime Achievement Award for his role in the development of the Internet

"Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do. ... Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even-- you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is."
- Tom Cruise, going off on Matt Lauer on The Today Show

"I think I've found my limitations."
- President Bush, after injuring two fingers in a mountain-biking mishap when he crashed into a police officer in Scotland

"Big shout-out to everybody with sleep apnea, high blood pressure, congestive heart failure! I do that too."
- D12 rapper Bizarre's corpulent father, on MTV2's Bizarre Makes A Video

"When I first said that I wanted to put together a late-night comedy-writing team that would only be 80 percent Ivy League-educated Jews, people thought I was crazy. They said you need 90, 95 percent. But we proved 'em wrong."
- Jon Stewart, accepting an Emmy

"On True Lies, it was Tom Arnold who said he was going to be governor."
- James Cameron, discussing the stupid things actors say when they don't know they're being recorded, on Entourage

"I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse."
- First Lady Laura Bush, at the White House Correspondents dinner

"The Country Music Awards were held right here in New York City for the first time ever. Isn't that nice? In a related story, this year's Soul Train Awards are being held in Salt Lake City."
- Conan O'Brien

"It is not a criticism, rather a suggestion that he do some exercises and go on a diet, don't you think? I'm doing this for the gentleman's health."
- Fidel Castro, describing Florida Governor Jeb Bush as President Bush's "fat little brother"

"You know what the problem is? The problem is that when people hear the term 'big brother,' they immediately think it’s bad or it’s scary. But I don’t, I think, 'l love my big brother!'
- Steve Carell, on instituting an email surveillance policy, on The Office

"[B]ecause my 10 MONTH OLD DAUGHTER HAD CHICKEN POX ALL LAST WEEK and given that my nanny bailed because her daughter doesn't have the pox, I pretty much was Mr. Mom and didn't have much time to blog (on either Poplicks or Soul Sides) because I was too busy giving my kid oatmeal baths and applying calamine lotion."
- Oliver Wang, responding to criticism about Poplicks not covering Tookie's execution

--Junichi

TOP 20 ALBUMS OF 2005

Here below are my picks for best albums of 2005. O-Dub will be writing about his choices next weeks.

1. Plans - Death Cab for Cutie * Dude, I know this ain't cool ... especially since this is Death Cab's first major label record deal, after several excellent albums on an indie label. I can hear the hipsters screaming "sell-outs!" with every ounce of their vegan marijuana breath. But I'd be fronting if I pretended that any other CD had a greater impact or more frequent rotations on my playlist. Plus, this isn't exactly some Neptunes-produced TRL-friendly album; my favorite song, "What Sarah Said," is a ballad about watching someone die in the hospital. With the solo acoustic "I Will Follow You Into The Dark," Ben Gibbard proves that he doesn't need his band or Postal Service producer Jimmy Tamborello to mesmerize an audience. Beautiful, every track.


2. Multiply - Jamie Lidell * As embarassed as I may be a few years from now when Jamie Lidell turns out to be the Jamiroquai of 2005, I'm not hesitant, at the moment, to declare Multiply one of my favorite funk/soul albums. Lidell seems to channel Otis Redding, D'Angelo, James Brown, and every artist on the Stax label, underscored with the occasional electronic blips and ProTools beat-chopping that reminds the listener that the record was not actually made in 1967. Unfortunately, the best Lidell song of 2005 is the Gonzalez-remix of "Multiply," which ain't on the album.


3. Arular - M.I.A. * Is there anything left to say about Sri Lankan refugee Maya Arulpragasam (a.k.a. Missing In Action) that hasn't already been ejaculated from fawning critics worldwide who diagnosed her with hip-atitis? I do have this to say, however: what kind of musical industry nominates Sugarland, Keane, Ciara, and Fall Out Boy for the "Best New Artist" Grammy and leaves out M.I.A.? Interestingly, a gaggle of folks seem to have turned on her now that she's everyone else's favorite and after she lent "Galang" to a Honda commercial. But "Bucky Done Gone" and "10 $" still sound like the freshest thing this side of the millennium.


4. Be - Common * We've already argued this one to death, haven't we? I was ambivalent at first. But after a few months, I can say that this is one of the few hip hop albums this year that I can listen to in its entirety without wanting to skip tracks. The excellent videos for "Go," "Testify" (featuring future Oscar-winner Taraji P. Henson), and "The Corner" also help to seal the deal.


5. Vertically Challenged - Lady Sovereign * The grime wave just spit out a tsunami. This album may be just an EP, but Lady Sovereign's American mini-debut is as addictive as Cheetos-flavored OxyContin laced in crack. With only a few tracks, this UK MC flips every script she can get her 19-year-old hands on. Combining her wit with dirty beats, sass with drum & bass, and charisma with silly lyrics, Ms. "EssOhhVee" beats Mike Skinner and Dizzee Rascal to the throne of British hip hop, in my humble opinion. Apparently, Jay-Z agrees and Timbaland/Missy are planning to collab. Here's to 2006!


6. Speak for Yourself - Imogen Heap * My favorite vocalist of this decade is Imogen Heap. Originally, I credited the perfection of Frou Frou's "Details" album (on which Imogen does vocals) to producer Guy Sigsworth. But this album makes clear that her voice, which is a fine instrument in every sense of the word, deserved as much credit. One of my favorite songs of 2005 is "Hide and Seek," which is an a cappella track from this album. Who else can get away with an a cappella lead single? Neither Alanis nor Tracy Chapman nor Tori Amos even thought about that.


7. Late Registration - Kanye West * Let's recap all the things we've learned from this album: the government administers AIDS, conflict diamond manufacturers have a symbiotic relationship with drug dealers, Ronald Reagan cooked up heroin to stop the Black Panthers, and Kanye's grandmother would not be ill had she been a professional basketball player. While Ye may not be as eloquent as KRS-One or as militant as early-90s Ice Cube, he has the mother of all monster 'nads. With the chutzpah to say things very few MCs dare touch, Mr. West swings a set of balls that match the width of his head and the weight of his production skills. Yes, his flow is mediocre, but with lines like "The doors was closed / I felt like Bad Boy's street team: I couldn't work the LOX," this album would have been on my top 10 list, even if Rick Astley laid down the beats.


8. Illinois - Sufjan Stevens * If any musical professor snob tries to argue that "rock and roll" can never be as inventive and complex as classical music, this is Exhibit A in my counterpoint. Sufjan Stevens is a one-man orchestra who plays banjo, piano, glockenspiel, harpsichord, a bunch of woodwind and brass instruments, and sings over complex interlude-filled musical structures that have time signatures that would make any metronome blow up from confusion. Of course, the classical music snob will probably recoil when he hears a gorgeous epic folk ballad about serial rapist/killer John Wayne Gacy Jr. But the obvious Illinois references littered throughout the CD provide for a fun "Where's Waldo?"-like audio experience, except when he's singing about un-fun subjects like bone cancer. By the way, given this is the second of Sufjan's ambitious goal to do a travelogue album of all 50 states (he started with Michigan), I hope I live to see the California box set and the Delaware CD-single.


9. The Cookbook - Missy Elliott * Just because Missy says that "I'm in the studio droppin hits from my booty hole" does not mean this album is full of stinkers, like some critics suggest. Yes, she is officially the 3,294,102nd person to sample "Apache," but the marching band rendition of it at the end of "We Run It" is sick. The drumline also makes an appearance in "Bad Man" with Vybez Cartel and M.I.A., which could have been a breakout second single had Atlantic not seemingly ceased promotion after "Lose Control." Yes, there are skippable slow jams, but this is a great party disc. Without Timbo handling all the production, this album may not be as musically inventive as her others, but her confidence and playfulness has crested. Did I mention that she rhymes "booty hole" with Coolio?


10. Ruby Blue - Roisin Murphy * Moloko's lead singer solo debut has yet to make it on this side of the pond, which is America's loss (unless they download it from iTunes). Sounding like nothing else, this is the ultimate genre-bender: the songs range from cocktail torch to r&b sizzlers to folk cabaret to electro-house seizures that sound like Basement Jaxx, Nellee Hooper, and Four Tet had a ménage à trois in the studio. Producer Matthew Herbert gets credit for making the kind of music/noise you hear in a SF bar that compels you to ask the bartender what CD is playing. Download the title track"Ruby Blue," "Dear Diary," and "Night of the Dancing Flame" now and thank me later.


11. Extraordinary Machine (the Jon Brion version) - Fiona Apple * In case your head has been lodged up your distal orifice all year, you should know that Fiona abandoned her original version of this album with original producer Jon Brion (a primarily non-hip-hop producer who recently helped to produce Kanye's latest album) to collaborate with Mike Elizondo (a primarily-hop hop producer most famous for working alongside Dr. Dre and Eminem). The official released album isn't bad, but I prefer the instrumental arrangements on the unreleased bootleg version, especially on the tracks "Not About Love," "Red Red Red," and "Used to Love Him." Fiona's sultry voice and thick chords deserve the more colorful instrumentation. Either way, both albums open with the same Jon Brion-produced "Extraordinary Machine," which is the best opening number to a musical that isn't from a musical.


12. Demon Days - Gorillaz * I am a fan of Dan the Automator, the producer behind the Gorillaz' debut album, but his absence here on this sophomore follow-up is not missed at all. Danger Mouse does a stupendous job on the boards, cornering the market on cartoon-based productions. Occasionally, the music sounds derivative: "Dirty Harry" sounds like a remix of Fat Joe's "What's Luv" and "Feels Good, Inc." sounds like a mashup with Cake's "Never There." Furthermore, the lyrics are entirely incoherent: why is Damon Albarn singing about windmills while De La Soul is spitting verses about chocolate attacks and ass cracks? I have no idea, but Danger Mouse's eclectic and unpredictable production makes this the unusual encore of a concept album that actually is an upgrade. Too bad the Gorillaz didn't score King Kong.


13. Digital Ash in a Digital Urn / I'm Wide Awake It's Morning - Bright Eyes * I know, I know. These are two separate albums. But you take the best from both and you have yourself one mighty fine record. "Arc of Time" from Digital Ash is the stand-out track that rises above all others like a resurrection, which, coincidentally, is what that song is about. (I think.) Conor Oberst's uber-emo vocals usually force me to take him in small doses, but on these albums, his songwriting talent overpowers any emotive melodrama that otherwise might sap my energy.


14. Anniemal - Annie * I bought this album because of all the hype about her a year ago. Since then, all the critics seem to have moved on. But I keep listening to this, because I'm un-cool like that and, besides, who doesn't have room on their mixtapes for some quality dance-pop-rock. The themes in her album don't distinguish this Norwegian starlet from American teeny-boppers, but the production values - straight from the extended club mixes of the mid-1980s - keep me soaking up adolescent zingers like "u think u r chocolate when u r chewing gum."


15. Guero - Beck * Let's all admit a few things: (1) Beck is easily the coolest Scientologist; (2) we constantly reward his unpredictable chameleon tendencies, given his traversing from hip hop joke songs to acoustic folk tales; (3) but we want nothing more than the Beck of Odelay. This album isn't as good as Odelay (or Midnite Vultures), but the Dust Brothers bring back that laid-back old-school fusion collage vibe that sold me on Beck a decade ago. Is there any album that is more quintessential L.A.? Plus, what other CD would give a shout out to Yanni?


16. Mouse and the Mask - Danger Doom * In Talib Kweli's guest verse, he says "cartoons be realer than reality TV," which is a fitting caption for a year in which two "cartoon" acts put out some of the most inventive hip hop. Can anything go wrong when MF Doom, Danger Mouse, Adult Swim cartoon characters, and Ghostface all collaborate? The opening track rhymes "poop on eBay" with "shoot the DJ" -- and it's all good from there.


17. Takk ... - Sigur Ros * Iceland's second most famous artist (after Bjork, of course) keep delivering their familiar atmospheric crescendos and "Hopelandish" gibberish. (Apparently, this may actually be the first one in Icelandic; I, unfortunately, couldn't say for sure.) This album may not be as stellar as their first two, but it continues their streak of releasing celestial songs that are inventive and epic on the level of Aaron Copland.


18. United State of Atlanta - Ying Yang Twins * What didn't surprise me was the predictable batch of indefensible songs that depend on violent sexual imagery ("beat the p@$$y up," anyone?) that make 2 Live Crew sound like the Mormon Tabernacle. What did surprise me, however, is how packed this album is with popalicious beats and compelling lyrics. "Live Again," an empathetic narrative about a stripper, and "23 Hr. Lock Down," a supportive call for Pimp C to be freed from prison, give this album a soul and sense of humanity. And between the undeniable "Wait (The Whisper Song)" and my favorite single "Shake," I can't deny how often I've bounced my head to this album.


19. Gimme Fiction - Spoon * Sure, their minimalism earns comparison to White Stripes and their eclectic noise are reminiscent of Wilco. But this album is one of those singular rock albums that manage to craft pop gems that surprisingly bring me back for seconds. "The Beast and Dragon, Adored" makes me want to buy a reverb for my piano. "I Turn My Camera On" would leave Beck and Pharrell with consolation prizes in a falsetto contest. And will somebody please remix "Was It You?" Let's make this a song for the clubs, too.


20. Colour The Small One - Sia * Zero 7's one-time Australian/British lead singer (and - trivia alert! - the daughter of one of Men at Work's band members) put out this solo acoustic trip-hop folk album that manages to package pensive gems fueled by a major tragedy; Sia's lover was apparently killed in a car accident. "The Bully," co-written with Beck, and "Don't Bring Me Down" highlight her ability to take on Dido in a vocal wrestling match. While some of the tracks have yet to grow on me, the stand-out track - "Breathe Me" - is the best five minutes of music in 2005. It is a gorgeous, intense, and haunting ballad that rises to the level of being sacred.

--Junichi

AXIS OF EVIL COMEDY

Two funny dudes: Maz Jobrani & Ahmed Ahmed

Racism has undoubtedly fueled and provided material to some of the greatest comedians: Richard Pryor, Redd Foxx, George Lopez, Eddie Murphy, Margaret Cho, Dave Chappelle, Paul Mooney, Damon Wayans, Chris Rock, Wanda Sykes, to name a few. (Disclaimer: this is not an excuse for continued oppression.)

Following that logic, we are long overdue to have an explosion of comics of Arab, Iranian, Afghani, and South Asian descent. Leading the pack are Egyptian comedian Ahmed Ahmed and Iranian comedian Maz Jobrani, who comprise two-thirds of the "Axis of Evil Comedy" tour set to launch in 2006.

I've uploaded an MP3 interview of the two comedians on Fresh Air with Terry Gross. It's just an NPR interview (not exceprts from a stand-up routine), but you get a sense of their comic brilliance.

Here's my favorite line:

"After September 11, because the hysteria about Arabs got way out of hand ... now when I get pulled over by the LAPD, I just tell them I'm black. Because I'm going to get a beating one way or the other. And I don't want to be killed, too."
- Ahmed Ahmed

To download, right-click here.

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #37

Forget Oreos - Eat Cool Jesus Cookies

This Week's Question:

If Jesus Christ were alive today, what is the first thing Jesus would do?

--Junichi

TWO REVIEWS: BROKEBACK + MEMOIRS

Romancing the geisha and the gay sheep herders

Spoiler alert: Despite my previously-posted gripes with Memoirs of a Geisha, I did, in fact, pay $10 to watch this film. After all, I can't exactly protest a film that isn't even feigning authentic insight into a Japanese subculture. Given the spattering of critical praise, I thought Memoirs would be, at the very least, amusing in the same way as Gigli was. (Yes, I did watch Gigli from beginning to end. Don't ask.)

But as horrendous as it was to suffer through J. Lo as a lesbian thug who falls in love with a gangsta Ben Affleck whose Brooklyn accent goes in and out more often than Wilt Chamberlain during away games, Memoirs of a Geisha is worse than Gigli.

I agree wholehearedly with Dennis Lim at the Village Voice who writes:

Memoirs is deluxe orientalist kitsch, a would-be cross between Showgirls and Raise the Red Lantern, too dumb to cause offense though falling short of the oblivious abandon that could have vaulted it into high camp.

Never mind the critical race critiques of this exoticized circle jerk on celluloid.

Memoirs deserves criticism, first and foremost, because it is an unbelievable romance between a nine year-old girl who falls in love with a pedophilic man four times her age (Ken Watanabe). Why does she love him? Because he bought her a snow cone! We, the viewers, are then expected to believe it obvious that this girl would then devote her life to transforming herself from a lowly chambermaid into a coveted geisha/slave whose virginity is auctioned off to the highest bidder ... just to try to be with the hottie who hooked her up with some shaved ice a decade earlier. The film assumes that we want these two to end up with each other, despite that theirs was not a match made in heaven, but rather, a match made on Match.com during a server malfunction.

I haven't seen such little chemistry since my chemistry teacher spent a week telling the tale of how he lost one of his testicles in a motorcycle accident.

I could be biased since I never got past the fact that all the Japanese characters spoke fortune-cookie messages to each other in broken English best used in a noodle commercial with the tagline "made with ancient Chinese secret!"

(Side note: it doesn't bother me as much when a Russian / German / Mexican / Persian / French / Arab / Chinese film character is magically fluent in English when speaking to other American/British characters in Hollywood films. But in my opinion, a Japanese girl in a catfight with another Japanese girl while in Japan - in a movie funded by a Japanese company - should probably be speaking Japanese. And anybody with an interest in seeing this film will be literate enough to read subtitles.)

To be fair, here are five compliments I can pay this film: (1) The tea gardens in San Francisco's Golden Gate Park looked gorgeous; (2) Gong Li is wicked good; (3) the film miraculously edited World War II down to about ten seconds; (4) Zhang Ziyi does a mean geisha rendition of the water/splash dance scene in Flashdance; and (5) Tom Cruise is not in this film.

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE READING...

Unlike Geisha, Brokeback Mountain is a convincing love story. Director Ang Lee channels the same beautiful quiet he did in The Ice Storm, and thankfully, manages to leave out the cinematic diarrhea that he sprayed over his worst and most incoherent film, Hulk.

As many critics have pointed out, Brokeback is a landmark film precisely because it doesn't have a social agenda or wave some gay pride banner.

There were, of course, key points that I was reminded that the two lovers are men during an era when "gay" was barely in the American vocabulary. In one scene, Heath Ledger's wife catches him passionately kissing Jake Gyllenhaal; the audience (I saw it in LA) chuckled, which, of course, never would have happened if Heath Ledger was simply kissing another woman.

But most of the time, Brokeback was a straightforward (excuse the pun) love story, plain and simple. The irony is that this "groundbreaking" aspect of the film also made the romance/tragedy mundane and familiar, at times. It's not as if forbidden love is a new theme in cinema. While I was invested in and conflicted about their romance (I did feel quite sorry for their wives), I was more moved by the love in other films this year: March of the Penguins, Me and You and Everyone We Know, to name a few.

Thankfully, the acting in Brokeback is phenomenal and the visuals are pure poetry. Heath Ledger deserves all the critical kudos, although Jake Gyllenhaal is equal worthy of awards. Even Randy Quaid, who only has a few seconds of screen time, is stellar.

Especially if you've heard the film falsely labeled as the "Gay Gone With the Wind" or teased as "the first western ever where the good guys get it in the end," I think it's worthy of your ten dollars, in the same way that Memoirs is worthy of your rotten tomatoes.

--Junichi

I NEVER BOOGALOO-ED WITH YAKUB

both mutants?
Scientists Find A DNA Change That Accounts For White Skin (Washington Post, 12/16/05)

"Scientists said yesterday that they have discovered a tiny genetic mutation that largely explains the first appearance of white skin in humans tens of thousands of years ago, a finding that helps solve one of biology's most enduring mysteries and illuminates one of humanity's greatest sources of strife."

"The newly found mutation involves a change of just one letter of DNA code out of the 3.1 billion letters in the human genome."

"The work raises a raft of new questions -- not least of which is why white skin caught on so thoroughly in northern climes once it arose. Some scientists suggest that lighter skin offered a strong survival advantage for people who migrated out of Africa by boosting their levels of bone-strengthening vitamin D; others have posited that its novelty and showiness simply made it more attractive to those seeking mates."

"The work also reveals for the first time that Asians owe their relatively light skin to different mutations. That means that light skin arose independently at least twice in human evolution, in each case affecting populations with the facial and other traits that today are commonly regarded as the hallmarks of Caucasian and Asian races."

"Study leader Keith Cheng said he was at first uncomfortable talking about the new work, fearing that the finding of such a clear genetic difference between people of African and European ancestries might reawaken discredited assertions of other purported inborn differences between races -- the most long-standing and inflammatory of those being intelligence. "I think human beings are extremely insecure and look to visual cues of sameness to feel better, and people will do bad things to people who look different," Cheng said."

"Recent revelations that all people are more than 99.9 percent genetically identical has proved that race has almost no biological validity. Yet geneticists' claims that race is a phony construct have not rung true to many nonscientists -- and understandably so, said Vivian Ota Wang of the National Human Genome Research Institute in Bethesda. "You may tell people that race isn't real and doesn't matter, but they can't catch a cab," Ota Wang said. "So unless we take that into account it makes us sound crazy."

--O.W.

EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN, I LEARNED FROM THE HIT SONGS OF 2005

Do not let this woman borrow your car

2005 was a watershed year with regard to how pop lyrics have enlightened us about the differences between men and women. Here below are my highlights.

TOP 10 THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT MEN AND WOMEN FROM SONGS OF 2005

1. When a man kisses a woman multiple times, he is actually in love with the food on her lips. (Fiona Apple, "Parting Gift")


2. A man should not trust a psychic who tells him that "the one" for him has a posterior similar to Serena Williams because this woman will eventually require him to pay for an evening at Showbiz Pizza for her four children, one of whom was fathered by Busta Rhymes, and possibly another by Usher Raymond. (Kanye West, "Gold Digger")


3. A woman will take off her pantyhose if the DJ plays Bon Jovi. (Joe Nichols, "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off")


4. If a man consistently stays hard, women will refer to him as 'Jolly Rancher.' (D4L, "Laffy Taffy")


5. Women count on Jesus to take the wheel. (Carrie Underwood, "Jesus, Take The Wheel")


6. Conversation and Hennessy can help a man get more ass than a toilet seat. (Nate Dogg, "Shake That")


7. A woman is ready to attack another woman once the pom-poms have been placed on the ground. (Gwen Stefani, "Hollaback Girl")


8. If a woman climbs on top of a man and rides him as if she were in the rodeo, he will make a sound that she has never before heard. (50 Cent, "Candy Shop")


9. Women beg to pull down their underwear once they see a man working his jelly. (Mike Jones, "Back Then")


10. It is possible for a man on drugs to share a long-lasting moment with a beautiful woman on a subway, even if she is with another man. (James Blunt, "You're Beautiful")

This list brought to you by:

--Junichi

WEB SEARCHES THAT LED TO POPLICKS

Xena and Gallagher, together at last

Speaking of internet search terms, below is a select list of actual terms entered into search engines that led somebody to this website during the past six months:

• mean rabbit licks person
• frist anal porn seen
• how do you pronounce tony yayo
• meat hole
• guinness world's biggest oreo snowman
• idaho circumcision
• gang hand gestures
• 320 pound woman
• Diddy Academy of Music Awards
  
• i got licks in school
• is steve perry journey gay?
  
• rappers bad role model
• Vince Vaughn - circumcised or uncircumcised?
• what did scott peterson say on the way to san quentin?
• treasure chest adult film star
• what ethnic groups breakdance
• joey wang nude
• xena and gallagher
• asian licks

Of course, none of these words were used on this site as a phrase or can be found in the same sentence. Until now.

--Junichi

RACE RIOTS DOWN UNDER

Foster's. Australian for mob fuel.

After following the news coverage of the so-called "ethnic violence" in Australia that has continued over the past 48 hours, any person would be left with the impression that the perpetrators of the violence are all "Muslim," "Arab," or "Middle Eastern" youth rioting in Australia.

For example,

• This UK Times article suggests that the "Gangs of Lebanese Men" are "hooligans and criminals" that should allow the police special powers to enforce city-wide lock-downs.
  
• This Sydney Morning Herald article discusses how "Arab Christian, Arab Muslim and community organisations have called for a weekend curfew" in order to stem the violence.
  
• This Herald Sun article presents the conflict as one between "Muslim youth" and the "surf movement."
  
• This ABC News article covers how the Sydney police are increasing their presence in Sydney to control the "ethnic gangs" and discusses what "Sydney's Arabic community" is doing to try to calm down their members.
• This AP article focuses on the "carloads" of "young men of Arab descent" that were attacking vehicles and throwing bottles through windows.

What the coverage fails to highlight, however, is the fact that the unrest started on Sunday when 5,000 white people -- apparently rallied by neo-Nazi groups and cellphone text messages -- violently attacked a few innocent people on a local beach believed to be of Lebanese descent.

Very few articles even mention the fact that the majority of the victims and targets of the unrest and racial animosity are members of the Australian Arab community and people perceived to be Arab.

So to recap, according to what passes for balanced journalism today:

• "Carloads" of rioting Arab youth = ethnic gangs, anti-Anglo violence typical of Arabs/Muslims

• Angry mob of 5,000 white youths fueled by neo-Nazis = the surf movement

In other news, I am now crossing Australia off my list of potential honeymoon destinations.

--Junichi

MOST POPULAR INTERNET SEARCH TERM OF 2005

Why?

This year, the most popular search term on Lycos was: Paris Hilton.

Barf. Yes, the celebrity I hate most generated more searches than any other search term this year. Although Ms. Hilton might have gained a few extra hits from the fact that there is a Hilton Hotel in Paris, I suspect most web surfers were searching how to get reservations inside the human Paris Hilton.

Seeing the hotel heiress/porn star's name on the top of this list shouldn't have been a surprise given the popularity of sexual material on the Internet. But I am disappointed that the world has such bad taste in pornography.

Indeed, Lycos's Top 100 search terms contain 98 other people or things that I'd prefer to see au naturel over Paris Hilton: Jessica Alba (#50), Denise Richards (#57), Sailor Moon (#41), Andy Milonakis (#76), Slipknot (#81), Hurricane Katrina (#10), Neopets (#19), the IRS (#52), Harry Potter (#27), and Pokemon (#8), to name a few.

The only person I'd leave off my preferred list would be Clay Aiken, #64, who I consider equally aesthetically displeasing as Paris Hilton.

*

Update: Britney Spears topped Yahoo's 2005 list, while Paris came in at #7.

--Junichi

WHEN BAD COVERS HAPPEN TO (ONCE) GOOD ARTISTS

not so cool like dat

--O.W.

WHEN MAGAZINE EMPLOYEES ATTACK!

let the battles begin

Yes, the glory days of urbanexpose.com are over but that doesn't mean magazine insiders can't still pop crazy s--- about their fellow co-workers and editors. The anonymous author of Bittervibes is looking to get fired with the quickness (if they can figure out who this person is, of course) by dropping all kinds of vitriol on the staff at Vibe where said author is still presumably working, though at the price of their soul: "Being at Vibe is draining my energy and perhaps leading me to drink more than I should." Another winner: "The place is a cess pool full of marginally talented men and women who sit around all day smelling their own s---!"

Meanwhile, another anonymous site, The Bible of Hip-Hop, has taken up the role of reporting on how every rap/R&B mag is likely headed to tell in a handbasket though they recently got put on blast by Vibe's Lynne D. Johnson who outs the site's presumed author on her own blog. Oh, let the good times roll - we got the popcorn ready and feet up on the table.

--O.W.

AUTHENTICITY OF A GEISHA

The Bluest Eye

Every single woman from Japan I've spoken to recently has expressed fears about authenticity and cultural accuracy in the new film, Memoirs of a Geisha. In response, I told my mother she needed to loosen the obi around her kimono.

Why worry? Hollywood has been good to the Japanese. Karate Kid 2. Rising Sun. The Last Samurai. Mr. Baseball. These are anthropological gems showcasing detailed intricacies of Japanese society that would wet a historian's bed.

Memoirs is likely to be especially accurate since it is directed by Japanese auteur Rob Marshall, based on the novel by Japanese historian Arthur Golden, and starring Japanese actors Ziyi Zhang, Michelle Yeoh, and Gong Li. Moreover, the film's make-up artists also consulted historical sources to ensure that the eyes of the Japanese characters contained the proper tint of blue, as evidenced by the poster above.

Even if a few "outsiders" were involved in the making of Memoirs, the Japanese should take comfort in the fact that Hollywood has always placed a premium value on accuracy in portraying other cultures.

Disney, for example, always does painstaking research to ensure authenticity. In the historical biopic Pocahontas, the writers made sure to accurately portray the sacred ritual of all Native Americans singing to mischievous raccoons about the colors of the wind. Of course, this cultural exactitude was not achieved in the similarly-titled movie about Native Americans called Pocahotass, although, in its defense, it did faithfully reenact the attack on the Semenhole Tribe.

Regardless, once the world sees Memoirs, with its cast decked out in authentic fur kimonos, everyone will undoubtedly absorb the truth that all Japanese women are geishas who speak broken English (and all Japanese men are ninjas).

*

Update: read my actual film review here.

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #36

O Holy Head

This Week's Question:

What Christmas song, when heard repeatedly, makes you want to put a bullet in your head?

--Junichi

WACKY CELEBRITY CHILDREN NAMES

At least Apple wasn't born a vegetable.

A recent British survey asked what celebrity offspring has the most bizarre name. Here is their top 10 list:

1. Moon Unit - Frank Zappa
2. Apple - Chris Martin (Coldplay)
3. Misty Kyd - Sharleen Spiteri (Texas)
4. Geronimo - Alex James (Blur)
5. Heavenly Hirani Tiger Lily - Michael Hutchence/Paula Yates
6. Dandelion - Keith Richards (Rolling Stones)
7. Dweezil - Frank Zappa
8. Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q - Bono (U2)
9. Zowie Bowie - David Bowie
10. Rufus Tiger - Roger Taylor (Queen)

Do you think that Dweezil and Moon Unit are upset about being on this list when they have a sister named Diva Muffin?

While this list is respectable, there is one titanic absence: Jermajesty Jackson

Jermajesty is the first name of one of Jermaine Jackson's sons and, undoubtedly, a violation of the Eighth Amendment's ban on cruel and unusual punishment.

Having a list of weird celebrity offspring names without Jemajesty is like having a list of famous civil rights leaders without MLK. This list without Jermajesty is like Journey going on tour without Steve Perry. Just wrong.

Another notable absence is Jason Lee's son, Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf Lee.

Finally, a more recently-born nominee would be Kal-El Cage, son of Nicholas Cage. Kal-El was the birth name of Superman, the last son of Krypton.

--Junichi

A GREAT DAY IN THE ATL

southward bound
(click for full image)

My Block: Atlanta: Sunday, 2pm (MTV2)

My man Joey produced the show and helped pull off this great ATL remix of the legendary "Great Day in Harlem" photo.

--O.W.

SAFETY NOTE: DON'T PLAY WITH PEN GUNS

I know rappers tend to have immortality complexes but mix that with alcohol and you got a very, very, very bad combination. An aspiring rapper, Mr. Pit (aka Steven Zorn) died recently after accidentally shooting himself in the head with a .25 caliber pen gun.

"According to the Dayton Daily News, about a week before he died, a friend gave Zorn a pen gun, which was jammed at the time. On the evening of Nov. 18, Zorn was celebrating his record deal at home with two friends, Shane Hanes and Cody Cornette, seniors from nearby Graham High School. According to witness accounts sometime after 11 p.m. a drunken Zorn walked up to his computer and pulled the pen gun out of his pocket and started playing with it.

Friends and family say Zorn believed the weapon was inoperable, that the .25-caliber bullet was jammed. Zorn held the gun to the right side of his head and clicked three times. The gun fired on the third click and Zorn fell to the floor.

He was flown by helicopter to Miami Valley Hospital in Dayton, where he was declared brain-dead but kept alive long enough to donate organs. He died on November 19. With a bright musical future ahead for the young man, family, friends and the local law enforcement all believe that his death was accidental."

Zorn's parents are now starting a campaign to warn people of the dangers of pen guns and while I don't mean to diminish their tragedy, one would have to ask if perhaps the better point wouldn't be to warn people against the dangers of 1) guns (pen or not) and 2) drinking (with guns).

--O.W.

THE GAY COWBOY IN ALL OF US

Bareback in the Saddle

One of the many things that used to differentiate Orange County (my current home) from San Francisco (my former home) was the lack of the gay aesthetic.

This all changed, however, when a local SoCal country station, KZLA, started plastering local billboards and buses with ripped, half-nude cowboys that could pass for one of Abercrombie's gay-friendly Aryan models.

If I hadn't grown up in a homophobic rural county where country music is ubiquitous, I would think KZLA's slogans like "Save A Horse-Ride A Cowboy" are the gayest pick-up lines this side of "Excuse me (to a guy sitting at a bar), do you mind if I push in your stool?"

Speaking of gay cowboys, when is country singer Kenny Chesney going to come out of the closet? I mean, why else would Renee Zellweger end their marriage of four months by seeking an annulment and asserting "fraud"? If the fraud does not stem from his pretending to be George Straight, what else could it be -- that he is an alien?

Kenny, if country listeners can embrace "hick hop" featuring black rap-country fusion acts like Cowboy Troy, I think they can handle you, the gay cowboy. Just because country music is the soundtrack to most hate crimes today and just because 94.7% of country music listeners go hunting for queers and just because "Oh my God! You killed Kenny!" might be the last words you hear does not give you an excuse to remain in the closet.

Finally, staying on the theme of all cowboys being gay, I have to give props to Entertainment Weekly for putting the co-stars of Brokeback Mountain (a.k.a. "the gay cowboy movie") on its cover with the subheading, "The Year's Most Daring Love Story." It's not often you see mainstream publications associate gay relationships with love on their covers. This confirms my belief that the battle for full equality for gays and lesbians will probably be won one TV show or movie at a time.

I am especially excited about Brokeback Mountain beacuse it is directed by Ang Lee, who also directed the excellent Wedding Banquet, which tackled gay relationships in the Asian American community.

Hey Ang, I think it's time to bring it all together, complete the trilogy, and do a movie about gay Asian cowboys. And I know just the perfect guy to cast as your leading man.

--Junichi

DUNGEONS & DRAGONS: ORIENTAL ADVENTURES

Full of Oriental Flavor

When I was a kid, I never played Dungeons and Dragons, which is my generation's Magic the Gathering / Yu-Gi-Oh / Harry Potter / Lord of the Rings. Only nerds played D&D.

But my avoidance of D&D should not make you think I was one of the cool kids. After all, the reason I never played was out of fear. Why? True story: An older kid in my hometown committed suicide because his characters started losing strength. My invisible friends and I were truly horrified at the possibility that our characters might start to die, and thus, we just stuck to Rubik's Cube contests.

I reminisced about all this a few days ago with my imaginary buddies when I found the book "Official Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Oriental Adventures" on sale at the Dana Point Library for only fifty cents. Who's jealous?

If you thought Pan-Asian restaurants lumped together all things Asian, this book will blow your mind. From the back cover:

The mysterious and exotic Orient, land of spices and warlords, has at last opened her gates to the West. For beginners or experts, players or DMs, this book holds all the information on oriental character classes, races, spells, magical items, weapons, fighting styles, and monsters. The world of samurai and ninja awaits!

Characters from "Oriental Barbarian" to "Korobokuru (Oriental dwarves)" can gain ponts for honor (e.g., "avenging murder of family member") and lose points for dishonor (e.g., "requesting a favor").

To establish authenticity, the author even includes a bibliography of 50 sources that provide background on all things Japanese, Chinese, and Korean.

I was going to give the book to O-Dub for Christmas until I learned from a 2004 Amazon customer review of the book that "This is how Oriental D&D books should be ... The only fault in this book is that it is written in archaic 1st Edition D&D rules, which is not that easily adapted to 3.5."

Who wants to play?

--Junichi

MY HUMPS = WORST POP SONG, EVER?

you don't want her drama
Hua and I have been having an on-going discussion in regards to just how bad the Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps" is. He just wrote a piece on the song for Slate that ran today. Here are some of the highlights:

• "My Humps," is one of the most popular hit singles in history. It is also proof that a song can be so bad as to veer toward evil."
  
• "My Humps" is a moment that reminds us that categories such as "good" and "bad" still matter. Relativism be damned! There are bad songs that offend our sensibilities but can still be enjoyed, and then there are the songs that are just really bad—transcendentally bad, objectively bad."
  
• "The Peas' call-and-response courtship fails to titillate—in fact, it's enough to convince one to never, ever ogle again. The "humps" in question belong to Fergie, who brandishes her "lovely lady lumps" for the purpose of procuring various gifts from men who, one would assume, find the prospect of "lumps" very exciting—one lump begetting another lump, if you will."
  
• "It's a song that tries to evoke a coquettish nudge and wink, but head-butts and bloodies the target instead. It isolates sectors of the female anatomy that obsessive young men have been inventing language for since their skulls fused, and yet it emerges only with "humps" and "lumps"—at least "Milkshake" sounded delicious."

Where Hua and I diverge is over whether the song is "Awesomely Bad" or, as Hua argues, "Horrifically Bad," and he's firmly in the latter camp whereas I'm still willing to redeem the song in the former, but only ever-so slightly.

The way I see it, "My Humps" is one of the most spectacular train wrecks of truly bad ideas ever assembled into a single song. In fact, I think "My Humps" is proof of intelligent design because there's no way so many craptastic elements could ever randomly come together like this: you got the beat, you got Fergie's lyrics, you got the chorus, you got Will.I.Am's call and Fergie's responses. This is the musical equivalent to a perfect storm. Rather than subject the song to merciless derision, I think we need to admire how exquisitely terrible it is.

Seriously, lines like these could only be the result of a God-given gift curse for songwriting:

"Mix your milk with my cocoa puff." (Ayo! Jungle fever alert!)

"You don't want no drama/No no drama no no no no drama." (Get it? She doesn't want no drama.)

"Whatcha gonna do with all that breast/All that breast inside that shirt." (The latter line is pure genius. Except here, by "genius," I mean "the opposite of genius.")

It's not like I'm going out of my way to pick on the song: I really do think this song is a remarkable creation. "Laffy Taffy" comes in second, but by a country mile.

And here's the thing: I would totally dance to this at a club. And so would you. Admit it.

--O.W.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #35

Faces of Fury

This Week's Question:

Because your dog just chewed off your face, you're now the second person to undergo a face transplant, in which the donated facial parts of a dead person are transplanted onto yours.

What dead person's face would you most like to have transferred onto yours?

(You can choose from any dead person you want. Also, assume that the faces of those long dead are still intact.)

--Junichi

DEFINITION OF "NOT A GOOD LOOK"

"go shortie, it's your bat mitzvah
we gonna party like it's your bat mitzvah"
(actual lyrics)

50 Cent, among other luminaries like Tom Petty, Ciara and Aerosmith (a bizarre ensemble if ever there weas one) got paid chingo bling the other week to perform at the bat mitzvah of Elizabeth Brooks. (And you though DJ Quik playing at Ari Gold's daughter's bat mitzvah was ill).

Why do we care? Apart from the fact that playing a bat mitzvah is not exactly the kind of image that G-Unit wants to cultivate (though, for $500,000, I'd sing "Kol Nidre" in Chinese if asked), Brooks' dad is David Brooks, aka richer-than-god defense contractor. And not just any defense contractor:

David H. Brooks, CEO of bulletproof vest maker DHB Industries, earned $70 million in 2004, 13,349% more than his 2001 compensation of $525,000. Brooks also sold company stock worth about $186 million last year, spooking investors who drove DHB’s share price from more than $22 to as low as $6.50 [DHB was trading at $4.20 Wednesday]. In May 2005, the U.S. Marines recalled more than 5,000 DHB armored vests after questions were raised about their effectiveness. By that time, Brooks had pocketed over $250 million in war windfalls."

"Indeed, Iraq war veterans are not pleased. Paul Rieckhoff, an Iraq war veteran and founder of Operation Truth (and my frequent radio partner), told me, “It is already disturbing that anyone can live the high-life as a result of the booming war business, but it is particularly disheartening to hear about someone having their own private Lollapalooza, in part from the sale of defective equipment that put our troops in harm’s way. America must take a long, hard look at the idea of profit on the battlefield."

And the best part? We all paid for this party (well, those of us who pay taxes).
(Thanks to K.E. for the link).

--O.W.

LA TIMES SUNDAY HIP-HOP OVERLOAD

jeezy is for the chilldren
Just noticed that this past Sunday's Opinion section of the LA Times was dominated by hip-hop-themed essays and columns. There was Brendan Buhler reporting on the usage of "bling" in mainstream news. Vibe Magzine's Mimi Valdes wrote on hip-hop's corporate aspirations. The centerpiece though were two contrasting essays, Ryan Smith and Swati Pandey's discussion of hip-hop as a political force and John McWhorter's slam of hip-hop's empty rhetoric around consciousness.

Smith and Pandey's essay is meant to be a primer on emergent hip-hop political organizations such as the Hip Hop Summit Action Network and Hip Hop Caucus. It wants to make the point that hip-hop has inspired a political consciousness around the world through artists like Public Enemy, Eminem, even Jill Scott. However, this arguments makes some leaps in judgment. For example, they talk about how Young Jeezy threw a benefit concert for Katrina survivors: that's true, that was good of him, but Jeezy also talks about selling crack like it was going out of style. Likewise, you can't praise Eminem for the few politically charged exhortations he's made but neglect to note all the not-so-progressive comments he's made elsewhere (the ratio is pretty skewed, believe that!). They're using narrow examples to try to justify a wider argument and it just doesn't work here. A better article on the same topic appeared on Alternet a few weeks back.

McWhorter, meanwhile, is arguing in the other direction, suggesting that "conscious rappers" often rhyme about things not-so-conscious and therefore, are not deserving of our admiration or support.

"Why, exactly, must "consciousness" so often sound like a street fight? The "conscious" rappers just relocate 50 Cent's cops-and-robbers battle from the street to the slam contest."

His polemic here is actually quite sophisticated: it's not simply a matter of criticizing rappers for the choice of metaphor, but the larger question he's putting forward is this: why doesn't today's hip-hop speak to actual real world issues rather than vague pronouncements about oppression and racism? McWhorter writes,

"We do not look to raps for detailed procedural prescriptives, like government reports on how to improve school test scores. But there are places raps could easily go, still blazing with poetic fireworks. What about the black men coming out of jail and trying to find their way after long sentences in the wake of the crack culture 15 years ago? There would be a "message" beyond the usual one simply deploring that the men are in jail in the first place."

There's much in his argument we agree with, namely that no one should be turning to hip-hop music for a source of serious civil rights activism but we do have to ask: is anyone making that assumption these days? Really? I think today's organizers may use hip-hop as a common unifying force but not as the basis for their political thinking. At least I'd hope not.

(Thanks to Derek for directing me to these stories).

--O.W.