THE GREATEST ASIAN AMERICAN HERO

Asian American "Whiz Kid" Done Good

I'm long overdue in acknowledging the greatness that is actor Masi Oka, who plays Hiro Nakamura on the NBC cult show Heroes, which Dima and I TiVo with great affection.

Originally, I thought my affinity toward Oka was rooted in a biased self-loving affection for a stocky Japanese American guy in his 30s. But after steadily following the series, I remain firm in my conviction that I would consider him an incredible actor and his character one of the most endearing on TV -- even if I was a blond cheerleader in her tweens.

In a clear sign the apocalypse is upon us, Oka was also included in People Magazine's "sexiest cast," which is a huge milestone in the history of Asian American males being considered sexy.

Most incredibly, the Heroes cast, with the addition of George Takei (who will soon be playing Hiro's father), will soon regularly employ at least four Asian American male actors on its show. And none of them pull rickshaws or serve kung pao chicken. The season premiere also gave a prime cameo to the "Asian Backstreet Boys" from China, one of the breakout YouTube sensations of last year.

What really blows me away is that Oka is not only an actor, but a behind-the-scenes special effects wizard, as well. He works (or, perhaps, used to work) at George Lucas's Industrial Light & Magic as a programmer; his resume includes coding effects in Terminator 3, Star Wars: Episode II and Pirates of the Caribbean.

Finally, as if his programmer-turned-actor-turned-EW-cover-model story wasn't interesting enough, he also was on the cover of a 1987 Time Magazine issue featuring an (in)famous story on "Those Asian-American Whiz Kids."

For those of you who can't tell Asians apart, Masi Oka is the model minority on the very left sporting the backpack filled with either Kumon textbooks or Hustler magazines.

Unfortunately, I missed my opportunity to meet Oka on Friday night. (He and the cast of Heroes showed up to the Dixie Chicks show in LA. Heroes cast member Adrian Pasdar is Natalie Maines's husband.)

I was hoping to yell to him what I think should be the catch-phrase of the year, "Yatta!"

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #83

It's Been A Long Time ...

This Week's Question:

What common words or phrase, when uttered by someone else, always reminds you of a specific song?

--Junichi

WHEN SOUTH AFRICA LEADS THE WAY

In 1986, South Africa and the United States stood on opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to granting equal rights to all human beings.

South Africa's constitution discriminated against its majority black citizens and Nelson Mandela was still imprisoned. In contrast, the United States was one of many countries calling for the end of apartheid in South Africa.

Twenty years later, South Africa and the U.S. find themselves on opposite ends of the spectrum again.

Only this time, South Africa has just voted to legalize same-sex marriages.

Meanwhile, the United States is leading the movement to ban gays and lesbians from marrying, while our President favors amending the Constitution to make such a deprivation of civil rights permanent.

Mind-blowing.

--Junichi

COLD LAMPIN' WITH FLAVOR

I got Flavor and all those things you know

This Thanksgiving, I'd like to give thanks to the Dixie Chicks, their managers, and MSN, who provided me with the opportunity to attend the American Music Awards last night. I was sitting in the third row, in fact. If I wanted to go to the john, I had to ask either Sean Paul or Snoop Dogg to stand up.

While trailing the Chicks on the red carpet, I had a chance to talk to Flavor Flav, which is as close as I'll probably get to living out my dream of having a full conversation with Chuck D. I also snapped his photo. (See above.)

Unlike all the press on the red carpet who only know Flav from his VH1 shows, I was asking him stuff about Public Enemy, who are apparently reuniting with the Bomb Squad for a new album.

In fact, when I asked him why his security guards weren't the S1Ws (Security of the First World), he seemed especially pleased, as I was the only one around who knew more about his "Supercalafragahestikalagoothki" days, as opposed to his Surreal Life days.

Backstage, I also saw Flavor being comforted by his publicist over the fact that he broke his clock while trying to hug host Jimmy Kimmel. No joke ... unlike 911.

--Junichi

I AM THE GRINCH

Ho! Ho! Ho!

Today, I was standing in a long line at Costco, forced to listen to a barrage of grating, atrocious Christmas carols recorded by the poor man's Mormon Tabernacle.

Suddenly, as if instantaneously infected with an extreme case of Tourette's Syndrome, I just blurted out, "This music makes me want to punch somebody in the face."

The elderly woman behind me took a gargantuan step back. I didn't realize I shared my thoughts out loud.

Needless to say, it's time for a federal ban on department store Christmas music anytime before December.

I realize this is hardly an original thought. But I am not a violent man. Yet, I almost went postal today after hearing "Joy to the World," which mysteriously hypnotizes me into wanting to shove Ben Wa balls made of razor blades into my left eye socket.

I can tolerate the carols when Christmas is days away, but certainly not before Thanksgiving. I swear, at this rate, I'm going to end up in handcuffs by Pearl Harbor day, which would be only mildly ironic.

I hope Santa puts some bail money in my stocking.

--Junichi

ROBERT ALTMAN: R.I.P.

Altman dies at age 81.

America's lost one of its greatest storytellers. If you've never watched Nashville, get familiar with one of the inspirations behind everything from John Sayles' Lone Star to P.T. Anderson's Magnolia to Paul Haggis' Crash to the recent Babel.

--O.W.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #82

It Wasn't Me

This Week's Question:

Suppose you can buy an inexpensive, painless, invisible, and 100% accurate device that can reveal whether a person has had sex with anybody but you. Would you want your partner to wear it?

--Junichi

STILL IMPRISONED

Memoirs of a Geisha + Amistad = Harajuku Girls

I can't believe the Harajuku Girls are still in captivity.

With her new album around the corner, I would've guessed that Gwen Stefani would drop L.A.M.B. like last year's handbags and move on to this year's latest fashion accessory. But apparently, third world orphans can't be trained fast enough to dance.

L.A.M.B. = Liberate Asians from Malicious Brainwashing?

Gwen's new album is called "The Sweet Escape," which is what I'm sure each of the Harajuku Girls pray for on an hourly basis.



In Gwen's new "Wind It Up" video (above), she is seen "winding up" all the Harajuku Girls, which barely counts as a metaphor since it's so literal.

In the video, Ms. Stefani is also seen slaving away at a sewing machine, which is ridiculous because we all know she keeps her Asian dancers in a sweatshop to do all the sewing.

Now that L.A.M.B. are wearing blond wigs, it makes it harder for me to tell if one of them is my cousin.

Personally, I'm rooting for "Baby" to take the K-Fed backup dancer route and marry Gavin Rossdale long enough to accumulate the capital necessary to drop a hip hop album. Now that sh*t would be both bananas and Popozao.

No doubt.

--Junichi

QUESTION OF THE WEEK #81

Hand on the Pump

This Week's Question:

If you had the power to stop Saddam Hussein's execution, would you use it?

(FYI: The Dalai Lama has called for Saddam's life to be spared.)

--Junichi

REMEMBER THE FIFTH OF NOVEMBER

You don't want to see what's holding this firecracker up

There is something oddly compelling about this story about a man who injured himself after shoving firecrackers into his poop chute and setting his ass ablaze.

Sure, this sounds like the typical Jackass-imitating stunt gone wrong, hearkening back to the days when the kids mimicked Beavis & Butthead's love for pyrotechnics and earned Darwin awards.

Except that the injured man is a British soldier from Iraq who returned from Iraq with all his limbs (and rectum) intact.

To make matters worse for the soldier, his buddies recorded the whole incident on a camera phone.

Perhaps not coincidentally, the accident took place on Guy Fawkes Day, which I wouldn't know a thing about if not for the incredible film, V for Vendetta. The UK apparently celebrates this day with fireworks in commemoration of Guy Fawkes' failed gunpowder plot to blow up Parliament in the seventeenth century. (I've never quite understood this holiday; it sounds like the equivalent of Americans commemorating a White House intruder.)

But V, the character in the movie/novel, celebrated the day by taking things further, just as the bum-rocket soldier did.

The only difference is that V did not suffer from what the AP described as "a scorched colon," which is something I hope to never own.

--Junichi

ELECTION POST MORTEM

For the most part, today is a good day as our nation prepares to say farewell to Rummy, Santorum, Macaca, Foley, GOP Mandate, and other nasty-sounding terms. Here are a few of my rants and raves:

HOORAY:

1. Surely, the Wednesday after midterm elections, I assumed the most exciting news would be something related to election results. But as it turns out, oh my God, Secretary of War and Genocide Donald Rumsfeld is resigning, and he didn't even lose an election. Is it my birthday already? I just wet my pants from excitement.

2. Senator Rick Santorum will soon be unemployed. At long last, he will have free time to scold his son for flipping off the nation (see photo above) and spread his frothy namesake. Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you, Santorum.

3. The Republicans no longer control the majority of state legislatures or governors' offices across the country. In my mind, this is bigger news than the House (and possibly the Senate) of Blues. I can't believe that Karl Rove is relinquishing control of all of America.

4. South Dakota's sweeping bill to regulate women's uteruses (uteri?) lost by a solid majority.

5. Abramoff buddy and anti-environmentalist crusader Richard Pombo, a seven-term Congressman, lost his seat to McNerney in Northern California's 11th Congressional District.

6. Arizona, a fairly conservative state, became the first state to actually reject a ballot state initiative banning same-sex marriage. When it comes to civil rights, you've a come a long way, Arizona, from the days when you even refused to acknowledge MLK's birthday.

7. Katherine Harris could not rig the Florida election results to get her elected to the Senate.

8. Bible-Belt state Missouri approved a measure backing stem cell research and elected a progressive woman to the Senate. Thank you, Rush Limbaugh, for calling attention to the fact that only fundamentalist colostomy bags believe in prematurely sending Michael J. Fox to his grave.

9. Speaker Pelosi. I'm not a huge Pelosi fan, but she is definitely more attractive, in every way, than Speaker Hastert.

10. Governor Deval Patrick. The Commonwealth rocks.

11. California Prop 85 and 90 failed.

12. The numbers are not looking good for George Allen's re-election. (I can't believe party control of the Senate all comes down to Macaca.)

13. "Mark Foley" lost.

14. Ken Blackwell is not the next governor of Ohio.


BUMMER:

1. Colorado Congresswoman Musgrave, an immigrant from the Victorian era, was re-elected to office. Musgrave is a woman who started her political career by trying to ban sex education in local schools and still does not believe in the separation of church and state. Her seat was considered vulnerable, due in part to her corrupt ethical practices. But Christian fundamentalist voters apparently helped her eke out a victory.

2. Harold Ford lost.

3. Joe Lieberman won.

4. Francine Busby lost.

5. More states (but not Arizona!) voted to legislate homophobia and ban gay marriage.

6. Governor Schwarzenegger set to perform in another bad sequel.

7. California Prop 87 went down in oil-soaked flames.

8. Kevin Federline is being dumped by Britney Spears, which does not bode well for the future financing of Fresno's most famous rapper.

--Junichi

HOW I'M VOTING - CALIFORNIA STATE INITIATIVES

It is a sad reflection of my constant state of work-related exhaustion that I didn't get around to writing about ballot initiatives weeks ago.

For what it's worth, here below are my thoughts on the California state propositions, which largely remain a testament to the undemocratic state initiative process. I'm happy to listen to different opinions, as there are a few propositions that I'm still torn about.

Nonetheless, if you generally agree with me, I implore you to vote on Tuesday. If not, please vote on Wednesday.


Proposition 1A - Transportation Funding Protection

NO. It sounds good, but I'm not sure I want our government to keep building roads while shutting down schools during an economic crisis or a mild apocalypse, which I believe Pat Robertson predicted is around the corner.


1B - Highway Safety Bond Act

NO. Doesn't put enough focus into public transit.


1C - Housing and Emergency Shelter

YES. A relatively small bond measure to help low-income renters and battered women and children who need temporary shelter. Those who oppose it will probably burn in hell.


1D - Kindergarten-University Public Education Facilities Bond

YES. I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.


1E - Disaster Preparedness and Flood Prevention Bond Act of 2006

YES. Let's not reenact the devastation of Katrina and the Waves in California. Even though it might be fun to see how badly FEMA could mess things up again.


83 - Send All Sex Offenders to Rural Areas

HELL NO. The severe penalties for child rapists and child pornographers are already on the books, so this initiative doesn't really do much in the sentencing arena. (Plus, what child rapists are deterred by any level of severe sentencing, anyway?) The only real impact of this initiative is to ban all registered sex offenders (which, as we've discussed here, includes people convicted of streaking) from living within 2,000 feet of a park or school, effectively banning them from all major cities in California and relocating them into rural areas. Call me biased since I grew up in a cowtown, but this is horrendous public policy. Plus, registered sex offenders would be required to wear GPS monitoring devices until they die, which will cost taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars every year to know that they're all safely tucked away in a barn.


84 - Improve Water Quality

Yes. Save California's coasts. I'd like to fail at surfing without inhaling too much feces. (Is that too much to ask?)


85 - Parental Notification for Minors' Abortions

HELL TO THE NO. This would require girls (females under 18) to notify their guardians within 48 hours of getting an abortion, which is enough disincentive to effectively drive at least one person into a dark alley, which is all the reason I need to oppose this measure.


86 - Tax on Cigarettes

YES. I have mixed feelings about this since it's a regressive tax and one that disproportionately punishes the poor (who disproportionately suck on cancer sticks). But millions of revenue would be raised for children's health coverage, at the expense of those who greatly contribute to children's poor health. I'm in favor of anything that helps cut down the number of smokers (and reduces my taxpayer's bill for their health or lack thereof).


87 - Alternative Energy / Force Oil Companies to Pay Fair Share

YES. I could write an entire week's worth on this initiative, which is turning into the most expensive battle in the history of state initiatives. (Do people really spend millions to fight alternative energy proposals? People do. Chevron.) I will admit those slick oil company-sponsored commercials almost fooled me; I'm not thrilled about the idea of higher gas prices since they constitute a regressive tax, disproportionately punishing the working poor and middle class. But as I understand the fine print, it will be very difficult for the oil companies to pass off their slightly higher costs to the consumer.

Essentially, this initiative just helps California catch up to other Pacific coast states. Cali is the only state that doesn’t tax oil companies for drilling near its shores; apparently, our state treasury takes in more from hunting and fishing licenses than from drilling fees.

Plus, Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Julia Roberts have told you enough about all the good things Prop 87 does for the environment. And when Julia Roberts speaks on the environment, I listen.


88 - Education Funding

YES. This tax is so infinitesimal that it hardly matters. But more money for schools? Sure.


89 - Political Campaigns

YES. I'm torn on this, actually. This is an initiative that boldly taxes those corporations that make the election process unfair. It also limits the speech of certain groups, which violates my First Amendment absolutist principles. But the political process today is so imbalanced and dysfunctional that this initiative seems necessary. A similar law is apparently working well in Arizona.


90 - Government Destruction of Rent Control and Local Environmental / Safety Laws

GOD, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. PLEASE BABY BABY PLEASE NO. This is NOT about eminent domain. It is, however, the worst thing to come along since Prop 13. This allows property owners -- mainly big landlords and big corporations -- to get money back anytime the government does something that causes a "substantial economic loss to private property." It basically would kill rent control, zoning laws, and environmental regulations, and cost taxpayers billions of dollars every year and clog up our courts. Frightening.

* * *

As for California statewide races, I'm pretty much supporting the entire Democratic ticket, even though Camejo would make a great governor. Schwarzenegger isn't the worst Republican in the world (note: not saying much) and Angelides may have only a tiny fraction of his charisma, but Angelides supports gay marriage and universal health care and doesn't say embarrassing things about Latinas.

--Junichi