THE 2006 WRAP-UP
Look, Mommy! Flat Daddy likes to ride bitch!
Second Most Painful Use of Tax Dollars: The Marine National Guard sent several hundred "Flat Daddies" -- cardboard cutouts of fathers in Iraq -- to their children (see above) to help them cope with their daddy's absence.
Most Painful Use of Our Tax Dollars: For the fourth year in a row, it's a tie between the rising American death count (almost 3,000) and the spiraling Iraqi civilian death count (officially, over 50,000, with a database to support the numbers).
Worst College Icebreaker: The College Republicans National Committee organized "Catch an Illegal Immigrant Day," encouraging students to pretend to be undocumented workers and hide on university campuses while others win prizes by finding them.
Best News Story Involving A Penis Pump: Madin Azad Amin tells airport security that a penis pump in his luggage was a bomb, to avoid embarrassment from having to reveal device to nearby mother.
Second Best News Story Involving A Penis Pump: Judge Donald D. Thompson was convicted and sent to prison for four years (four years!) for using a penis pump while presiding in his own courtroom.
Most Questionable Definition of Fair and Balanced: Debating whether a civil war in Iraq is "a good thing".
Most Amazing Demonstration of Dick Cheney's Power: Harry Whittington, the man whom Vice President Cheney accidentally shot in the face, apologized to Cheney for being shot in the face.
Best Song Title: "Baby Let’s Have A Baby Before Bush Do Somethin’ Crazy" - The Coup
Second Best Song Title: "Tacobel Canon" - Ratatat
Most Predictable Result of Research Involving The Mentally Ill: Christopher Lohse, a master's student at Southern Connecticut State University, proved a correlation between the severity of a person’s psychosis and their preferences for president: The more psychotic the voter, the more likely they were to vote for Bush.
Worst Instance of Free Product Placement: cocaine and crack, courtesy of hip hop in 2006 (Thanks, Young Jeezy! Love, Pablo Escobar, Jr.)
Best Reason to Believe the Moral Majority is Neither Moral Nor The Majority: According to ChristiaNet.com, one of the leading Christian web sites, 50% of all Christian men and 20% of Christian women are addicted to porn
Best Reason To Use Birth Control: Devin Haskin, age 3, pictured above, who crawled into a discharge chute of a Toy Chest claw machine at a Godfather's Pizza in Minnesota.
Best Reason Not To Use Birth Control: USC researchers discover that ozone (result of sunlight interacting with nitrogen oxides and hydrocarbons in smog) lowers men's sperm count.
Worst Example of Birth Control: Cops are probably hurled with insults like "Dick!" all the time, but rarely are they literally hurled with dicks: Chicago 33-year-old Jakub Fik resisted arrest by smashing car windows, throwing knives at seven cops, and then severing his own penis and throwing it at the officers. Apparently, he was upset over relationship problems with his girlfriend, who cannot possibly be worth severing one's genitalia over.
Poplicks Entry That Generated The Most Comments: The one about Matisyahu
Worst Method of Revealing One's C-Section Scars: Britney Spears
Top 3 Groups Who Did A Better Job At Reporting Than Reporters in 2006: (1) Documentary Filmmakers (When The Levees Broke = Best News Report Ever), (2) The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, (3) Bloggers.
Best Tool for Prosecutors and the Police: MySpace
Best Speech of 2006: "I stand by [President Bush]. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world." - Stephen Colbert, at the White House Correspondents Dinner, in front of W.
Worst Speech of 2006: At Ken Lay's funeral, Rev. William Lawson compared Lay to James Byrd, the black man dragged by a truck to his death by white supremacists in Jasper, Texas. In front of hundreds of mourners including Bush I, Rev. Lawson said, "Ken Lay was neither black nor poor, as James Byrd was, but I'm angry because Ken was the victim of a lynching."
Best Evidence That A Majority of Americans Will Believe Anything: According to ABC News, 64% of Americans perceive that scientists have "a lot of disagreement" about the existence of global warming.
Biggest Musical Trend That Blew Up and Fizzled in The Same Year: Hyphy movement
Best Example of Humility or Worst Example of Negotiation Skills: Oliver's excellent "Soul Sides" compilation LP, which doesn't have his name anywhere on the album cover
Paris Hilton Award for Most Irritating Person of the Year: Paris Hilton
Most Effective Crusader Defying Stereotypes About Asians: World's tallest man, Bao Xishun, is Asian. Plus, he saves dolphins. (I hate it when everyone assumes that I am unwilling to save dolphins.)
Most Outrageous Post 9-11 Decision By the Bush Administration: The Department of Homeland Security cut anti-terrorism funding to New York by 40% because it concluded that the city has no national icons or monuments that terrorists would likely attack. So while the Empire State Building, the NY Stock Exchange, the Statue of Liberty, and Times Square didn't make the list, Louisville's Churchill Downs race track and Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo in Huntsville, Alabama did make the list.
Best Reason to Cheer On Nintendo's Wii for Beating Sony's Playstation: White is Coming!
Best Christmas Present: Katsumi bodysuits
Worst Christmas Present: Your Very Own Stripper Pole
Best Demonstration That Life is Not Worth Living if James Brown Is No Longer On This Earth: Gerald Ford
Best Decision by NBC: Getting around FCC censors by putting the uncensored version of SNL's excellent "D**k in a Box" video on its website and on YouTube.
Worst Decision by NBC: Refusing to air ads for the documentary film Shut Up and Sing because they deemed the commercials "disparaging to President Bush."
Best YouTube Video of the Year Not Starring Little Superstar: