THE NEW SUSAN SMITH THROWS THE LATEST McCAIN CAMPAIGN'S HAIL MARY PASS

Crazy woman or sane McCain supporter who understands McCain's desperation?

It's easy to dismiss Ashley Todd as mentally ill.

Todd is the infamous McCain campaign volunteer who fabricated a story about being sexually assaulted by a Barack Obama supporter after he saw a McCain bumper sticker on her car.

But I don't think she needs mental health treatment at all.

On the contrary, she appears to be a sane woman who had enough marbles to mastermind a story that she knew could hand the McCain campaign the momentum it needed to win the election. Unfortunately, like her predecessor Susan Smith, she was too stupid to concoct a believable story.

For those who haven't been following the story, here's what Todd initially claimed:

Todd initially told investigators she was attempting to use a bank branch ATM on Wednesday night when a 6-foot-4 black man approached her from behind, put a knife blade to her throat and demanded money. She told police she handed the assailant $60 and walked away.

Todd, who is white, told investigators she suspected the man then noticed a John McCain sticker on her car. She said the man punched her in the back of the head, knocked her to the ground and scratched a backward letter "B" into her face with a dull knife.

Police said Todd claimed the man told her that he was going to "teach her a lesson" for supporting the Republican presidential candidate, and that she was going to become a supporter of Democratic candidate Barack Obama.

After later adding allegations of sexual assault, forgetting crucial details, providing inconsistent accounts, and failing a lie detector test, Todd confessed to making the whole thing up.

What I don't understand is why anybody is wondering why a woman would do such a thing.

Isn't it obvious?

If the story were true, Ashley Todd would have provided the ultimate October Surprise that ignited enough of a race war to tilt the election. With McCain over ten points down, she decided it was her duty to throw the necessary Hail Mary pass.

While undoubtedly ignorant, Ashley Todd is sane and smart enough to understand that some white (and non-white) voters can't get past the idea that our next president will be a black man. Ashley Todd wanted to appeal to those who have no difficulty believing a story about a black man who is a violent savage that preys upon young white women near ATM machines.

Now that the story has been debunked, this story would normally deserve no more national attention.

Except that the McCain campaign in Pennsylvania pushed the more partisan and incendiary elements of the story before the media got a hold of it.

This says far more about the state of the McCain campaign than anything else.

Perhaps Fox News Executive VP John Moody said it best (before the lie was exposed):

This incident could become a watershed event in the 11 days before the election.
If Ms. Todd's allegations are proven accurate, some voters may revisit their support for Senator Obama, not because they are racists (with due respect to Rep. John Murtha), but because they suddenly feel they do not know enough about the Democratic nominee.

If the incident turns out to be a hoax, Senator McCain's quest for the presidency is over, forever linked to race-baiting.

For Pittsburgh, a city that has done so much to shape American history over the centuries, another moment of truth is at hand.

Thanks, Ashley Todd, for ending Senator McCain's quest for the presidency.

--Junichi

THEY EXIST: MUSLIM McCAIN SUPPORTERS

This video captures an interesting confrontation between two anti-Islam McCain supporters and at least two Muslim McCain supporters.

Of course, this all begs the question of why any self-respecting Muslim American would vote with the current GOP.

Credit: CousCous Ramirez

--Junichi

COLIN POWELL MUST BE ON THE VERGE OF ENDORSING OBAMA CUZ HE'S ACTING KINDA BLACK

I realize that calling out Fox News for being ludicrous is as pointless as trying to diagram a Sarah Palin sentence.

But I challenge anyone to find a more asburd Fox News headline and tagline than this one:

Hip-Hop-Dancing Colin Powell Fuels Speculation He'll Endorse Obama: Colin Powell showed off his hip-hop moves at an 'Africa Rising' celebration in London Tuesday, fueling speculation that the former secretary of state is about to endorse Barack Obama for president.

(I put a screen capture of the article at the top of this post, in case you don't want to actually visit the Fox News site.)

What did Colin Powell need to do to fuel speculation that he is about to endorse John McCain? Do the Viennese Waltz at the Hazzard County Convalescent Home's Bingo Night?

Plus, if busting out some sick tongue-wagging, ass-grabbing, b-boy dance move is the equivalent of endorsing Obama, then I think John McCain just endorsed Barack Obama at tonight's debate ...

--Junichi

MORE SIGNS THAT THE END OF THE WORLD IS NEAR

Dow Jowned

While your parents' retirement evaporates, here's some news that will help you sniff the end of civilization around the corner:

• Anarrrrrrchy! Those Somali pirates are actually going to score an $8 million booty.

• You also just made $8 million bucks because you took the 8,234,957-to-1 odds and bet a dollar that the Bush Administration would nationalize our banks and bring socialism to the United States.

• The National Security Agency has been eavesdropping on the phone sex conversations of American soldiers overseas. Those of you who insisted that wiretapping would not infringe on the privacy of innocent Americans can apologize now.

• Cocaine dealers are charging a fuel surcharge to customers because of high gas prices. Lesson: save money and save the environment by riding your bike to your coke dealer's house.
  

• Maryland police put nonviolent anti-Iraq War and anti-death penalty activists on their list of suspected terrorists. Apparently, the real Baltimore police are not half as sophisticated as the fake Baltimore police on The Wire.
  

• Beverly Hills Chihuahua grosses $29 million in this economy and tops box office.

• Actual news article headline: "Three dead following quarrel over penis size"

• McCain stops calling us "my friends" and instead opts for the more appropriate phrase "my fellow prisoners":

--Junichi

BAILOUTS AND BAILING OUT

Somebody just read the latest polls

The last 48 hours have been some of the most fascinating of any news cycle. Let's review.

McCain has allegedly "suspended" his campaign to work on the bailout, even though the fundamentals of our economy is strong and even though Republicans and Democrats already have reached a compromise.

McCain also wants to postpone Friday's debate in order to devote time in the Senate chamber toward staging a photo opportunity building a bipartisan consensus. This is surprising, since he has been absent for more votes in the Senate than any other current senator.

His potential pullout from the debate is all the more suspicious when considering that he wants to reschedule it for the date of the Vice Presidential debate, which would be indefinitely bumped.

Meanwhile, Palin, who apparently didn't get the message that McCain suspended the campaign, went trolling for votes at Ground Zero today and was actually allowed by the non-sexists at the McCain campaign to take four questions from the press. Four! Wow!

One can understand why the GOP is nervous about her talking to any reporter outside of Fox News, given last night's train wreck of an interview with Katie Couric:

One conclusion you can reach from the interview: Katie Couric is not a witch. Because Palin was recently protected from witchcraft at her hometown church.

Her interview, however, wasn't half as bad as McCain's non-interview with David Letterman, who might have single-handedly tilted public opinion about McCain's campaign suspension and debate bailout:

McCain may not be happy with Letterman, but he's probably even less thrilled with his campaign manager, Rick Davis, who -- Newsweek just uncovered -- is still an officer with the lobbying firm that represents Freddie Mac. I see no conflicts there in the same way that I do not see my widening posterior when I look in the mirror.

As for Obama? He's finally up in the polls, which is a miracle given how many Democrats have negative views about black people.

As if that race survey was not depressing enough, somebody at George Fox University wanted to really hammer home the point that this election really might come down to whether America is ready for a black president. That's why he or she decided to hang a life-size depiction of Obama in effigy from a tree.

Just in case you were starting to get optimistic that the bailout and Clay Aiken's refreshing honesty might cure our economic woes, the Congressional Budget Office director just said the proposed bailout might worsen the current financial crisis.

Good times!

--Junichi

HAPPY NATIONAL PUNCTUATION DAY

Today, September 24, is National Punctuation Day.


If you were already aware of this day, chances are good that the errors on these signs drive you batty.

As someone once pointed out to me, punctuation can fundamentally alter the meaning of a sentence.

For example, compare:

A woman, without her man, is nothing.

with

A woman: without her, man is nothing.

I tell my students that many readers will assume a positive correlation between punctuation and intelligence.

To wit:



Perhaps the best evidence to support the link between punctuation skills and intelligence is the following pen that was recently sold on John McCain's website:

The McCain campaign finally corrected the spelling.

--Junichi

WHAT TO READ: GLOBAL CALAMITY EDITION

No caption necessary

• John Aravosis has the transcript of the interview in which McCain suggests that Spain is in Latin America

• Rosa Brooks on the U.S. becoming a Third World country

• Adam Liptak on the U.S. Supreme Court's waning influence over the rest of the world

• Robert Scheer on McCain's role in Wall Street's meltdown
  

• Tim Wise on McCain and Palin's Privileges

--Junichi

SURVIVING KIM JONG-ILLNESS

Only the leader gets to wear the Members Only jacket

I don't know about you, but I am worried about the fact that North Korea is testing missiles even though Kim Jong-Il purportedly suffered a stroke and may even be on his deathbed.

It's going to be quite surreal if, in a few months, John McCain will control the United States, Kim Jong-Il will be in control of North Korea, but neither will be in control of his bladder.

--Junichi

FLIP-FLOPPING ON HUMAN RIGHTS

A tortured POW tortures POWs

I oppose the use of torture. I have no idea why any politician would be hesitant to say the same.

Supporting the troops should include respecting and complying with the Geneva Convention, especially to maximize the chances that our soldiers -- if captured by enemy forces -- are treated in a manner that is neither degrading nor cruel.

Similarly, maintaining a strong national defense should include minimizing unnecessary efforts that isolate, offend, or provoke others in the international community -- efforts like, say, waterboarding captives who have yet to even be accused of any crime.

I supported John McCain on this issue until John McCain stopped supporting John McCain on this issue. I lost all respect for him when he changed his mind in 2005 on this vital issue and caved into the sadistic, inhuman forces of the Republican party.

To wit, a valuable timeline courtesy of David Swanson:

1788 - United States ratifies Constitution, ordaining that all treaties made under the authority of the United States shall be the supreme law of the land.

1791 - United States ratifies the Bill of Rights, banning cruel and unusual punishment.

1948 - United States ratifies the Universal Declaration of Human Rights banning torture or cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.

1949 - United States ratifies Geneva Convention relative to the Treatment of Prisoners of War, banning violence to life and person, in particular murder of all kinds, mutilation, cruel treatment and torture, as well as outrages upon personal dignity, in particular, humiliating and degrading treatment.

1968 - John McCain is tortured.

1992 - United States ratifies the International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights (ICCPR), banning torture or cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment or punishment.

1994 - United States ratifies the Convention Against Torture and Other Cruel Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment (CAT), requiring that the United States work to prevent all forms of torture.

2002 - On February 7, President George W. Bush signs a directive purporting to authorize torture.

2005 - John McCain champions the McCain Detainee Amendment to the Defense Appropriations bill for 2005, which passes the Congress and is signed into law by Bush, adding one more redundant ban on torture to existing U.S. law, despite Vice President Cheney having lobbied hard against it. But McCain allows a major loophole for the CIA and then keeps quiet when Bush throws out the whole thing with a "signing statement." Bush and Cheney's administration continues to torture.

2006 - Time Magazine recognizes McCain's efforts to supposedly ban torture in naming him one of America's 10 Best Senators. Time makes no mention of the fact that torture had always been illegal, the fact that Bush had thrown out the new law with a "signing statement," or the fact that the United States was continuing to torture people on a large scale.

2006 - McCain votes in favor of the Military Commissions Act which supposedly leaves torture decisions up to the president.

2008 - In February, McCain votes against a bill that would supposedly ban torture, and then applauds Bush for vetoing the bill.

2008 - McCain runs for president, and almost nobody mentions his positions on torture, not even his fiercest critics. ... And yet McCain and his campaign rarely open their mouths without taking us back to 1968 when McCain was tortured. McCain critics even make lists and videos of his "flip-flops" and never mention the most frightening reversal of position imaginable.

One of the many reasons I support Senator Obama is because he has consistently opposed the use of torture.

I do wish, however, that his camp would use this as a talking point in its efforts to demonstrate why Senator McCain is not fit to be commander in chief.

Isn't it time that the compassionate, law-abiding wing of the political spectrum start calling out McCain on his moral failure and flip-flopitude?

--Junichi

McCAIN IS NEVER GOING TO TELL A LIE

If you haven't seen the video clip of John McCain insanely suggesting that Bristol Palin is more qualified than Barack Obama to be president because she "has executive experience in the form of overseeing the production of a human being," click here.

--Junichi

MISS AK-47

Next in line? Sarah Barracuda

Happy birthday, Senator McCain! 72 years ago, you exited a birth canal and were born in the Panama Canal.

And now, you've picked Sarah Palin, a former beauty queen who is 28 years younger than you, to be at your side for the next 90 days.

I hope your wife, Cindy, a former model who is 18 years younger than you, doesn't get too jealous!

(After all, you did abandon and cheat on your first wife, Carol, a former beauty queen and swimwear model, to be with the younger woman.)

I trust your aspiring First Lady (who is really the Second Lady) is packing heat since Governor Palin is a lifetime member of the NRA and she doesn't play around!

After all, Gov. Palin is currently under investigation by the state of Alaska for firing a man who refused to fire the man who was in a custody dispute with her sister! Good times!

Anyway, happy birthday, Senator McCain! Your love for models and beauty queens is disturbing inspiring.

--Junichi

DNC CONVENTION: NIGHT 2

Orange Pantsuit Alert!

I still am not a fan of Senator Clinton's delivery, but her speech was on-point, well-crafted, and a blow to the GOP, which was clearly hoping for a Democratic implosion this week.

During her speech, MSNBC kept panning to Bill, in the audience, who was clearly gushing with pride whenever Hillary spoke. This would have been a heart-warming image but for the fact that every time I saw him, I also thought about the spunk stain that he left on Monica Lewinsky's blue Gap dress.

Her best moment was when she was speaking directly to some of her supporters, who ignorantly have been threatening to vote for McCain instead of Obama:

I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me? Or were you in it for that young Marine and others like him? Were you in it for that mom struggling with cancer while raising her kids? Were you in it for that boy and his mom surviving on the minimum wage? Were you in it for all the people in this country who feel invisible?

I hope the PUMAs were listening.

Not that it matters since these PUMAs are clearly Republican COINTELPRO-type covert operatives hired by Karl Rove to destroy the unity coalition that George Bush's legacy is destined to create.

After all, I cannot imagine that any intelligent feminist who supported Hillary would actually vote for McCain -- a man who wants to overturn Roe v. Wade -- over Obama, who holds nearly identical positions to Clinton.

*

Many DNC speakers have noted how Hillary is a trailblazer for women and how her campaign made history.

In contrast, it's curious and sad how few people have made any mention of how Obama is a trailblazer for both African Americans and people of color.

Clearly, there is an internal DNC memo to speakers that says, "Don't remind voters that Obama is black."

*

Best line of the night goes to NY Gov. Paterson, who said of McCain:

"If he's the answer, then the question must be ridiculous."

--Junichi

McCAIN MILKS THE POW COW

I am a prisoner of war. How dare you accuse me of anything?

I am grateful for the sacrifices that McCain made for this country and I believe his surviving his POW experience deserves our highest respect. And he should receive lifelong mental health benefits. And medals. And discounted movie tickets. And parades. And a discounted early bird special.

But McCain has now comically used his POW status as a crutch to deflect nearly all criticism. So much so that Trey Parker and Matt Stone have nothing left to parody.

For example, last weekend, McCain's spokeswoman responded to accusations that McCain was not in a "cone of silence" during the Saddleback forum by saying, "The insinuation from the Obama campaign that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, cheated is outrageous."

Tonight, Jay Leno just asked his guest, Sen. McCain: "For $1 million, how many houses do you have?"

McCain responded, "I spent five and a half years in a prison cell, without — I didn’t have a house, I didn’t have a kitchen table, I didn’t have a table, I didn’t have a chair. And I spent those five and a half years, because — not because I wanted to get a house when I got out."

When will this end? Is anybody buying this?

McCain is flaunting his POW status the same way that the South African minister was flaunting his diplomatic immunity in Lethal Weapon 2.

I am starting to worry that McCain believes that his Vietnam POW status entitles him to, for example, stab me in the eye with a flaming shank ... without consequence.

"The indictment from the D.A.'s office that John McCain, a former prisoner of war, committed homicide is outrageous."

--Junichi

THE PERFECT #2

*

It's hard to imagine McCain picking anybody like Obama, however, since McCain actually likes the idea of Dick Cheney as Vice President:

*

But no matter who McCain picks, nothing will be as unintentionally funny as this New York Times headline:

Talk of McCain’s No. 2 Concerns Conservatives

(Hat tip to J. Romero)

--Junichi

WHO IS EXCITED ABOUT JOHN MCCAIN?

Answer: Not these guys.

(Tip o' the hat to John Aravosis)

--Junichi

MONDAY ROUND-UP

Conan the Buddhist Chihuahua

A linkapalooza to help you start your week:

• SENIOR CITIZENS GONE EVIL: This CNN story has further destroyed my faith in the goodness of humanity: Two elderly women aided and befriended two homeless men, took out life insurance policies on their lives, drugged them, killed them with a car, and tried to collect on the insurance after making it look like a hit-and-run. In other news, I'm not above executing female senior citizens.

• IT'S RAINING McCAIN: Speaking of losing faith in humanity, who knew that human beings could create something more horrendous than that "Hillary 4 U & Me" music video? Can somebody please confirm this is a joke so I can sleep at night?
  

• THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT AMERICAN AIRLINES: Speaking of being unable to sleep, a woman has sued American for failing to protect her from a passenger who moved into the empty seat next to her and -- wait for it -- diddle whacked into her hair while she was sleeping. What was that man thinking? Couldn't he have waited until he landed and walked into the nearest Target department store?

• JAPANESE DOG LEARNS TO PRAY IN BUDDHIST TEMPLE: That sounds like a pretty sweet pet trick until you realize Conan the Chihuahua (see picture above) is goofing on Buddhists just to score some dried fish-flavored Scooby Snacks. Up next: training the dog to achieve nirvana through meditation instead of the shameless lickery of his groin.

• ATTACK OF THE NATIONAL CORNDOG DAY: That's a strange ad, right? I love me some c-dogs, but I'm not sure I enjoy the image of a fleet of torpedo bombers conducting a protracted aerial assault on urban basketball courts with giant corn dogs.

• THE FUTURE OF HIP HOP HAS ARRIVED: For those who haven't seen this video, please enjoy ...

--Junichi

MAVERICK, YOU CAN BE MY WINGMAN ANY TIME

Yaaarrrrgh! It wasn't me!

There are dozens of good reasons not to vote for John McCain.

For me, his alleged private romantic affairs with another woman is not one of them.

While I appreciate the NY Times's focus on McCain's ethical hypocrisy, I found today's much-anticipated "bombshell" to be entirely dissatisfying. There's flimsy evidence that McCain gave lobbyist Vicki Iseman much of anything illegal, much less a ride on the Straight Talk Express.

By the end of the article, I felt like the allegations were only a few steps removed from Karl Rove's 2000 push-polling allegations in South Carolina that McCain fathered an illegitimate black child.

Even if the Times' allegations prove to be true, I will always resent the Gray Lady for making me visualize a grumpy contrarian Aryan septuagenarian doing the Humpty Dance on the ovarian floors of a woman almost half his age.

(Did you enjoy the internal rhymes of grumpy/Humpty and contrarian/septuagenarian/ovarian? You're welcome.)

Come to think of it, the most shocking part of the Times's story was that a homophobic Republican politician was exposed for alleged hanky-panky with an actual woman.

I suppose I was expecting something more along the lines of this (warning: NSFW).

*

There is one upside to this McCain story. When you have a so-called "Maverick" allegedly snookering a woman with the last name Iseman, I mean, c'mon ...

(Credit: Unknown)

--Junichi