BAD STUDENT METAPHORS

"She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef."

Because I'm a writing instructor, I've had this list of "Bad Student Analogies and Metaphors" (see below) sent to me several times. This list was apparently culled by English teachers from actual high school students' essays.

Each time I review the list, however, the "bad" analogies and metaphors keep getting better.

Personally, I love #3, #4, #18, #21, and #22.

If any of those sentences were the first lines of a book, I would buy it and read it this weekend, just like the Sunday newspaper, which I buy and read every weekend.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Top eka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

--Junichi

FOLLOW-UP: ROLLING STONE SHOW, DIVERSITY IN THE UC SYSTEM

1. Following up on "The Write Stuff?": A former Rolling Stone intern breaks down what the actual reality of life there was like:

"...the contenders on this new reality show are given the kind of opportunities normally reserved for seasoned writers: traveling the world, interviewing rock stars and working on hard-hitting exposés, all while struggling to meet deadlines.

The enhanced job description makes sense, given that it was the only way for producers to make the show at all exciting. (Bonus: It gave them an excuse to incorporate loads of celebrity cameos.)"

"I'm From Rolling Stone loses credibility as soon as it introduces the cast. Given the final prize, one would expect the producers would pick some of the most talented young writers in the country. Having received more than 2,000 applications for the six spots, they certainly had the chance.

Instead, the reality-show casting formula -- abrasive personalities and model good looks -- won out."

"As RS Executive Editor Joe Levy (the show's de facto host) tells five of the six contestants that their work is just plain bad, he looks almost embarrassed to be treating them as serious contenders for a coveted gig at his magazine."

None of this should be much of a surprise but it just accentuates the point that A) the show is terrible and B) RS's falling reputation has streamlined even faster.

2. Following up on "Race Reality Check, Berkeley Daze": The LA Times had a story today profiling UC Riverside. If UC Berkeley is supposed to be "Little Asia On The Hill" (I still laugh when typing that), UCR is more like, um, Little California In the Valley insofar as it is the most diverse of all the UCs, at least in its percentage of Black and Latino students.

Interestingly, the number of Asian students is still roughly as high as Berkeley's: 43%, but Latinos constitute a quarter of the school and the percentage of Black students (7.1%), is double that of UC Berkeley and the UC system, as a whole. Riverside also boasts the lowest % of White students in the entire system: 18.7% (the highest remains UC Santa Barbara which has 43%[1].

The high diversity at UCR, at least in this article, is seen through two different lenses. On the one hand, it's good at least one UC campus has a Black student population that comes remotely close to reflecting the actual reality of California's state-wide demographics. As one professor quoted for the story points out, "Maybe [other UCs] should be looking at what UCR is doing right in attracting minorities" and elsewhere, the story notes that even students accepted at other, more arguably prestigious UCs, are likely to choose Riverside because they feel more comfortable with the larger numbers of Black and Latino students there.

However, the other side of these demographics is put forward by a sociology professor at UCLA: "It's separate, but certainly not equal," said Darnell Hunt...director of the Ralph J. Bunche Center for African American Studies at UCLA. "It's the resegregation of the UC system." In other words, Hunt seems to argue that Black students (and presumably Latino to a lesser extent) are pushed towards Riverside thus allowing campuses like UCLA or UC Berkeley to enroll fewer "underrepresented minorities"[2].

One wonders what UCR staff and faculty feel about such an accusation. While I understand the point Dr. Hunt is making here, it also has the effect, intended or not, of besmirching UCR's reputation as an institution of higher learning. I doubt many at UCR see their school as the university equivalent of colored bathrooms back in the Jim Crow era.

It's also important to note, as the story does that: "One advantage Riverside has in attracting underrepresented minorities is that it draws many of its applicants from the Riverside area, which has a large black and Latino population." Of course, one can also break down the economic and social forces that have factored into why the Riverside area has a higher percentage of Black and Latino residents vs, say, the areas around Berkeley or Westwood (or Santa Barbara and Santa Cruz). To that degree, the disparities/inequalities associated with UCR are likely a reflection of similar inequalities in many of California's social institutions and historical trends. That's not saying that other UCs can't do a far better job of recruitment of Black and Latino students to their campuses - as the story also notes, this has been one area where UCR has made a vigorous push, a lesson that could be well learned by some of Riverside's sister campuses.

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[1] At no UC campus does any single ethnic group hold a majority though Asians hold a plurality at every campus save for UC Santa Barbara and UC Santa Cruz.

[2] Given that ALL students in the UC system are technically "minorities" given that there is no majority group, I wish we could find a few language to express that reality.

--O.W.

THE WRITE STUFF?

funny, my desk doesn't look like this
Apart from the fact that the only reality TV shows I can stand watching the whole season through appear exclusively on Bravo (American Idol is great for about a month then dies a slow, melisamatically-challenged death), I have no interest in MTV's new I'm From Rolling Stone, despite the fact that it's supposed to represent a profession that I've spent most of my adult life engaged in: music journalism. (If you need a primer, may I suggest Idolator's gleefully caustic wrap-ups).

CONTINUE READING...


Times are evidently hard for RS even if they haven't quite descended to the level of self-parody The Source attained in its later years but it's been clear to me and most my colleagues that it no longer holds as much prestige or influence in an era of Blender/blogs/NY Times, etc. dominance. Maybe that's why they agreed to a show as ridiculous in basic concept (let alone execution) as this one. It reeks of desperation in the attempt to hold onto some kind of pop culture zeitgeist it 1) doesn't really need and 2) shouldn't be chasing after anyway. The show would actually be a better fit for a more irreverent magazine like Blender except that I'm fairly certain they have the good sense to steer clear of anything as embarrassing as this just to stir up circulation numbers or improve their public sphere standing.

The show's a bad look for the magazine and it's an even worse look for the participants, at least those who are serious about forging a career in music writing. As many have already noted though: you don't go on a show like this if you're serious about music writing. You do it because you seek celebrity, both for yourself as well as the opportunity to "interact" with actual celebrities.

In that sense, the show is an unintended but brilliant reflection of the state of cultural criticism/journalism even as it tries to package it for MTV. Most presume today that music journalism was always synonymous with celebrity journalism but though the blurring may have been endemic to both professions from the very beginning, it's become far, far more pronounced in the last 10-15 years, especially with market realignments in the media industry. It's not enough to want to rub shoulders with celebrities - today's media writers aspire to be minor celebrities themselves. I'm With Rolling Stone is as perfect a manifestation of that trend as anyone could imagine. One could blame Cameron Crowe's Almost Famous for contributing to this by glamorizing the so-called glory days of rock journalism (albeit through a fictionalized account that likely didn't include Kate Hudson hotties) but the protagonist in the film had no pretensions to fame himself...he just wanted to chase a story. With I'm With Rolling Stone, the very title reflects the kind of cachet that the magazine itself supposedly imparts on its writers (though in reality, it's highly questionable how much clout RS actually carries).

At risk of sounding naive or self-obvious, what annoys me about the show is simply how it degrades a craft that already suffers from enough image problems already. At best, the modern music journalist is seen as irrelevant in an age of insta-journalism from bloggers and message boarders. At worst, they're seen as thinly repackaged publicists, shilling for the record industry and/or the lowest common denominators in populist favor.

What's most comical about the show's very premise is that it'd be of interest to anyone to begin with. If you had told me that someone would pitch a reality show on music writing, I'd assume this was some kind of Onion parody story...perhaps I'm too inside the profession to try to see it from the outside but it just wouldn't have occurred to me that the craft would make good tv drama fodder. Most of our days are spent either: 1) transcribing, 2) writing, or 3) editing. None of this makes for very interesting visual fare.[1]

Of course, if your ultimate aim is to hobnob with celeb musicians, the show no doubt will play up that angle and in truth, going into music writing isn't a bad way to go about it. But it seems like an awfully mundane path to take just to become a glorified groupie. That's why it's hard to take any of the contestants seriously (and I suppose I should actually watch the show before passing judgement but let's just say the existing reviews are not flattering)[2] .

The thing is too: if folks are actually interested in becoming music journalists, it's kind of absurd that a tv show would be the route to take considering how relatively easy it is to get a start. Will you be interviewing Bono on your first assignment? Probably not but save for the very top of the pop/celeb echelon, it's not that hard to get to the point where you can have interview access (even if just a phoner) with any number of artists (big or small). For someone fully focused, you could get there in less time it will take this tv show to run its course.

Regardless, I know very few music writers who get into the work, let alone stay with it, simply out of a desire to interact with celebrities. This will no doubt come off sounding like an overly idealized point but ultimately, you start writing and stick with it because you actually enjoy the craft itself. That's not to say there aren't fringe benefits (though the free CDs aren't as good as they were 10 years ago) but seriously, there are lot better and less torturous ways to make a living then becoming a journalist/writer.

As a recent Economist issue noted:

"Journalism, apparently, is a “prototypically misaligned profession”, staffed by reporters who want to investigate great affairs of state but read by a public more interested in stories that are “scandalous, sensational, superficial”.

The mag was referring mostly to hard news journalism but the point is no less meaningful or applicable to people who write on culture: no one likes to spend their time writing like a star-f*cker but that's often what the market pushes us towards.

My long-winded point here is simply to note that the one thing that really makes working as a writer fun is also the most boring for anyone else to witness: the act of writing itself (which includes editing/revising). The end product might be illuminating or entertaining, but the actual act offers little for others to spectate on (Carrie Bradshaw and Doogie Howser excepted, I suppose).[3]

Last, random point: I wonder how much of a future in the biz the eventual winner is going to have, outside of Rolling Stone? Somehow, I can't see participating on the show as being a real feather in someone's resume.

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[1] Normally, I'd insert a joke - "...unless done naked!" - except that if you actually saw most music writers nude, you'd instantly be glad that chair, desk and laptop would spare you from having to look upon the bodies of people who spend most of their time sedentary.

[2] I'm actually going to watch at least the first show, if only to see if Krishtine de Leon is as annoying as everyone says she is. From some of the reviews I've read, it'd seem like she was taking the public image of Pinoys/Pinays back to some pre-Bulosan era of "No Filipinos or Dogs Allowed." I've never met de Leon though I have read the magazine she works at, Ruckus, a small monthly on Bay Area music that is predominantly run by Filipino/Asian writers/editors. It'll be interesting to see if she's repping for all the Pinoys in the music biz or (more likely) inspiring many head slaps. I also think Krishtine is the one who thinks music journalism will be some kind of path to upward class mobility for her family...a bizarre misconception that anyone - starting with my mother - would be very quick to dispel.

[3] By the way, I know writing is built into the contest of the show itself (here's two examples). Both of these actual have decent moments but jesus christ, the whole "setting the scene" angle is taken way overboard.

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UPDATE: First week ratings = 369,000. OOF.

I actually watched this...Krishtine wasn't nearly as bad as others made her out to be though her racial identity confusion isn't exactly a great look, especially not for other Bay Area Filipinos in the hip-hop game. I can only imagine what they're thinking right now. But the show is pretty much unwatchable. I thought the Joe Levy editorial meeting would have been an improvement but it was painful on many levels. They should have done edits in a big room with everyone present, rather than one on one. In any case, this looks rather D.O.A.

--O.W.