TEN THINGS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING "300"
Do you like gladiator films?
Last night, I watched a gay erotica film titled 300.
I doubt anybody has seen this comic parody of gladiator films since it's clearly a low-budget indie filmed in front of painted backdrops borrowed from a local high school production of Hamlet.
While I don't normally fall in the small niche of moviegoers who enjoy campy tales of men in leather nut-huggers, I decided to watch it because I knew the film would be a solid two hours worth of ideas for future Halloween costumes. Also, I wanted to support my cousin, who is in the movie. My cousin, by the way, is a giant 100-foot tall rhinoceros.
Immediately after I walked out of this
Top Ten Things I Learned From Watching 300
- The Spartans were pioneers in laser hair removal and monosyllabic monologues.
- Persian corpses make great cinderblocks.
- Hunchbacks signal their traitorous activities by wearing Mickey Mouse's magician hat from Fantasia.
- Oracles, the antecedents of the cast from Cirque du Soleil's Zumanity, have bullet-like nipples.
- A Greek soldier must always bid his wife and kid adieu in a field of wheat.
- Persians may look Nigerian, Chinese, South Asian, Arab, Russian, Italian, Mongolian, goat-like, or ninja-ish.
- In ancient Greece, everything was the color of rust (except for the capes).
- The Persians worshiped Xerxes, the God of Xerox, a sadomasochistic body-piercing tranny with an expensive manicurist.
- While a chest plate might be very effective in protecting one's body from being pierced with arrows or spears, it also has the distinct disadvantage of hiding one's eight-pack abs.
- As someone who believes that "freedom isn't free, but must be won" and sends troops to battle without the support of the legislature, George W. Bush would have been a very popular Spartan king.
Did I miss anything?
Labels: 300
