NEWS OF THE BODY
Hamburger Helper is naked
Mch of this morning's more interesting news stories involved human anatomy. As a public service to Poplicks readers, I have provided the Cliff's Notes version below:
- Former Judge Gives New Meaning to Penal Code: The Supreme Court handed down some important opinions this week, but the most amusing legal news comes from Bristow, Oklahoma where former Judge Donald D. Thompson is facing charges that he used a penis pump while presiding in his own courtroom. His court reporter testified, among other lurid details, that she heard him use the pump during the emotional testimony of a grandfather in his grandchild's murder trial. Judge Thompson faces a, ahem, stiff sentence: if convicted of all four counts of indecent exposure, he could spend a decade in prison, lose his $90,000 annual pension, and would be forced to register as a sex offender.
- Man Finds Lightbulb Where Moon Don't Shine: A Pakistani prison inmate had an operation to remove a glass light bulb lodged in his anus. While he claims someone else drugged him and inserted it, the doctors are suspicious, and General Electric wants everyone to know that while it brings good things to life, a prisoner's poop chute was not intended to be one of them. The doctors had the tricky task of removing the bulb intact; apparently, had it shattered inside his body, the glass shards would have rectum. (Rim shot!)
- 'Riding Bitch' is Best For The Body: A research team at the University of Buffalo concluded that people who sit in the rear middle-seat are 59 to 86% safer than those in the front seat and 25% safer than other back-seat passengers. Can I ride shotgun now?
- Disturbed Men Sever Own Body Parts To Send Message to Women: A man from Kuala Lumpur severed his own bishop to prove to his wife that he was not cheating on her. In related news, a man in Corpus Christi severed his own finger and mailed it to his ex-girlfriend with a letter that said, "This is my last chance to touch you." Neither act seems particularly persuasive. I suspect these two men would fail the logical reasoning portion of standardized tests.
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