THE 2006 WRAP-UP

Look, Mommy! Flat Daddy likes to ride bitch!

Second Most Painful Use of Tax Dollars: The Marine National Guard sent several hundred "Flat Daddies" -- cardboard cutouts of fathers in Iraq -- to their children (see above) to help them cope with their daddy's absence.

Most Painful Use of Our Tax Dollars: For the fourth year in a row, it's a tie between the rising American death count (almost 3,000) and the spiraling Iraqi civilian death count (officially, over 50,000, with a database to support the numbers).

Worst College Icebreaker: The College Republicans National Committee organized "Catch an Illegal Immigrant Day," encouraging students to pretend to be undocumented workers and hide on university campuses while others win prizes by finding them.

Best News Story Involving A Penis Pump: Madin Azad Amin tells airport security that a penis pump in his luggage was a bomb, to avoid embarrassment from having to reveal device to nearby mother.

Second Best News Story Involving A Penis Pump: Judge Donald D. Thompson was convicted and sent to prison for four years (four years!) for using a penis pump while presiding in his own courtroom.

Most Questionable Definition of Fair and Balanced: Debating whether a civil war in Iraq is "a good thing".

Most Amazing Demonstration of Dick Cheney's Power: Harry Whittington, the man whom Vice President Cheney accidentally shot in the face, apologized to Cheney for being shot in the face.

Best Song Title: "Baby Let’s Have A Baby Before Bush Do Somethin’ Crazy" - The Coup

Second Best Song Title: "Tacobel Canon" - Ratatat

Most Predictable Result of Research Involving The Mentally Ill: Christopher Lohse, a master's student at Southern Connecticut State University, proved a correlation between the severity of a person’s psychosis and their preferences for president: The more psychotic the voter, the more likely they were to vote for Bush.

Worst Instance of Free Product Placement: cocaine and crack, courtesy of hip hop in 2006 (Thanks, Young Jeezy! Love, Pablo Escobar, Jr.)

Best Reason to Believe the Moral Majority is Neither Moral Nor The Majority: According to ChristiaNet.com, one of the leading Christian web sites, 50% of all Christian men and 20% of Christian women are addicted to porn

Best Reason To Use Birth Control: Devin Haskin, age 3, pictured above, who crawled into a discharge chute of a Toy Chest claw machine at a Godfather's Pizza in Minnesota.

Best Reason Not To Use Birth Control: USC researchers discover that ozone (result of sunlight interacting with nitrogen oxides and hydrocarbons in smog) lowers men's sperm count.

Worst Example of Birth Control: Cops are probably hurled with insults like "Dick!" all the time, but rarely are they literally hurled with dicks: Chicago 33-year-old Jakub Fik resisted arrest by smashing car windows, throwing knives at seven cops, and then severing his own penis and throwing it at the officers. Apparently, he was upset over relationship problems with his girlfriend, who cannot possibly be worth severing one's genitalia over.

Poplicks Entry That Generated The Most Comments: The one about Matisyahu

Worst Method of Revealing One's C-Section Scars: Britney Spears

Top 3 Groups Who Did A Better Job At Reporting Than Reporters in 2006: (1) Documentary Filmmakers (When The Levees Broke = Best News Report Ever), (2) The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, (3) Bloggers.

Best Tool for Prosecutors and the Police: MySpace

Best Speech of 2006: "I stand by [President Bush]. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound -- with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world." - Stephen Colbert, at the White House Correspondents Dinner, in front of W.

Worst Speech of 2006: At Ken Lay's funeral, Rev. William Lawson compared Lay to James Byrd, the black man dragged by a truck to his death by white supremacists in Jasper, Texas. In front of hundreds of mourners including Bush I, Rev. Lawson said, "Ken Lay was neither black nor poor, as James Byrd was, but I'm angry because Ken was the victim of a lynching."

Best Evidence That A Majority of Americans Will Believe Anything: According to ABC News, 64% of Americans perceive that scientists have "a lot of disagreement" about the existence of global warming.

Biggest Musical Trend That Blew Up and Fizzled in The Same Year: Hyphy movement

Best Example of Humility or Worst Example of Negotiation Skills: Oliver's excellent "Soul Sides" compilation LP, which doesn't have his name anywhere on the album cover

Paris Hilton Award for Most Irritating Person of the Year: Paris Hilton

Most Effective Crusader Defying Stereotypes About Asians: World's tallest man, Bao Xishun, is Asian. Plus, he saves dolphins. (I hate it when everyone assumes that I am unwilling to save dolphins.)

Most Outrageous Post 9-11 Decision By the Bush Administration: The Department of Homeland Security cut anti-terrorism funding to New York by 40% because it concluded that the city has no national icons or monuments that terrorists would likely attack. So while the Empire State Building, the NY Stock Exchange, the Statue of Liberty, and Times Square didn't make the list, Louisville's Churchill Downs race track and Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo in Huntsville, Alabama did make the list.

Best Reason to Cheer On Nintendo's Wii for Beating Sony's Playstation: White is Coming!

Best Christmas Present: Katsumi bodysuits

Worst Christmas Present: Your Very Own Stripper Pole

Best Demonstration That Life is Not Worth Living if James Brown Is No Longer On This Earth: Gerald Ford

Best Decision by NBC: Getting around FCC censors by putting the uncensored version of SNL's excellent "D**k in a Box" video on its website and on YouTube.

Worst Decision by NBC: Refusing to air ads for the documentary film Shut Up and Sing because they deemed the commercials "disparaging to President Bush."

Best YouTube Video of the Year Not Starring Little Superstar:

--Junichi

BEST QUOTES OF 2006

As part of my ongoing London Bridge with OCD, I wrote down all the outrageous, inspiring, offensive, enraging, insipid, bewildering, and/or hilarious statements made in 2006.

Here are my favorites ...


"Well, you know, this, too, will pass."
- Donald Rumsfeld, speaking on Rush Limbaugh's radio show in April about calls for his resignation

"You've taken me off my flight due to my taste in music? ... Where does it stop? What if I was wearing a Che Guevara T-shirt [or] odd socks, you know?"
- Harraj Mann, a 23-year-old cell-phone salesman of Indian descent, who spent his cab ride to the airport blasting the Clash's "London Calling" and Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song." When the taxi driver reported these suspicious activities to the police, Mann was interrogated as a terrorist suspect for three hours.

"Bob Sherwood's seat [in Pennsylvania] would have been overwhelmingly ours, if his mistress hadn't whined about being throttled."
- Grover Norquist, head of Americans for Tax Reform

"Are you going to ask that question with shades on?"
- President Bush to legally blind reporter Peter Wallsten

"My God is a God who wants me to have things. He wants me to bling!"
- Mary J. Blige

"Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish that [they] had made a more progressive choice, like a white guy who went to prison for polluting a black guy's lake."
- Michael Scott (Steve Carell), on finding out there is a black ex-con working for him, on The Office

"I probably did take my newfound freedom a little too far."
- Britney Spears, after being photographed in public with Paris Hilton and without underwear

"Winning isn't everything. It's just as important that we rub it in. Medal counts are a great, quantifiable way to say 'Yes, we're in an unpopular war, we're bitterly divided, and we're embroiled in scandal, but if you get all up in our bobsled grill, we'll bring the $%@# hammer down.'"
- Stephen Colbert, on the Winter Olympics

"Can we got on with this? I've got to do AIDS and Alzheimer's and land mines this afternoon, and I want to get back for Deal or No Deal. Plus, Gwyneth's making drumsticks."
- Coldplay's Chris Martin, waiting to do a charity spot, on Ricky Gervais' Extras

"[My cat] comes to me when she wants to be fed. And after I feed her -- guess what -- she's off to wherever she wants to be in the house, until the next time she gets hungry. She's smart enough to know she can't feed herself. She's actually a very smart cat. She gets loved. She gets adoration. She gets petted. She gets fed. And she doesn't have to do anything for it, which is why I say this cat's taught me more about women, than anything my whole life."
- Rush Limbaugh

[My] book describes the abominable oppression and persecution in the occupied Palestinian territories, with a rigid system of required passes and strict segregation between Palestine's citizens and Jewish settlers in the West Bank. An enormous imprisonment wall is now under construction, snaking through what is left of Palestine to encompass more and more land for Israeli settlers. In many ways, this is more oppressive than what blacks lived under in South Africa during apartheid."
- President Jimmy Carter, in a brave op-ed in the LA Times

Congressman Mark Foley (R-Fla.): "Do I make you a little horny?"
Teen: "A little."
Foley: "Cool."
- from the transcript of a sexually explicit IM chat Foley had with a 16-year-old male page

"Overly friendly."
- Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert's office's initial characterization of Mark Foley's emails

"[Louisiana Gov. Kathleen] Blanco and [New Orleans Mayor Ray] Nagin do not get along at all. People died because of that."
- Spike Lee, in the commentary track to the When The Levees Broke DVD

"Why do they hate each other? Why do Sunnis kill Shiites? How do they tell the difference? They all look the same to me."
- Senator Trent Lott

"Hip-Hop is too easy for me."
- Timbaland

"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."
- President George W. Bush, to CBS News Anchor Katie Couric

"I'd rather have your sister."
- Italian soccer player Marco Materazzi, before Zinédine Zidane rammed his head into Materazzi's chest at the World Cup final

"Son of a terrorist whore!"
- what forensic lip-reading “labial analysts” at the Daily Mail in London concluded that Materazzi said after scrutinizing the videotape

"You're putting words in my mouth, just the way you put artificial facts in your head."
- David Letterman to Bill O'Reilly

"He found it an interesting book and a quick read. I don't want to go too deep into it, but we discussed the origins of existentialism."
- White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, on President Bush reading Albert Camus' The Stranger during his summer vacation

"I'll be honest, I felt an urge to squeeze him like a kitten and that led to the gesture I made. There was nothing behind it really."
- Vladimir Putin, explaining why he approached a young boy in a group of tourists, lifted his shirt, and kissed his bare stomach

"He raped 10 women. I never expected it from him. He surprised all of us. We all envy him."
- Russian President Vladimir Putin, referring to rape allegations against Israeli President Moshe Kasav, during an appearance with Israeli Foreign Minister Ehud Olmert in which a microphone was inadvertently left on

"[Kevin Federline] got canned the same week as Donald Rumsfeld. History will recall K-Fed and D-Rum much the same. Both of them got in as fast as they could, but neither had a clue what to do inside. They both had a little trouble with staying power. They both spent loads of other people's money trying to hang onto a dumb idea. And neither one could dance."
- Rob Sheffield, in Rolling Stone

"Please prepare yourself for masturbation because next are international singing prostitutes, Pussycat Dolls!"
- Borat, introducing the Pussycat Dolls at the MTV Europe Music Awards

"I bought the $1,200 variety recently. It's great."
- Martha Stewart, referring to her vibrator, called the Thumper, on the Howard Stern Show on Sirius

"Here he's at the point of death. He was dividing God's land. ... For any prime minister of Israel who decides he's going to carve it up and give it away, God says, 'No, this is mine.'"
- Rev. Pat Robertson, suggesting that God was punishing Ariel Sharon (who had a stroke) for withdrawing from Gaza

"No, I don't have a gambling problem. I'm winning, and winning is not a problem. That's like saying Michael Jordan has a basketball problem, or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem."
- Earl (Jason Lee) on My Name Is Earl

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else. ... It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S. You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States."
- Senator Rick Santorum, comparing the Iraq war to the Lord of the Rings

"I'm going to sexually molest your dog."
- Actress Natasha Lyonne, to Lyonne's former roommate's neighbor, according to a complaint filed by Lyonne's former roommate

"This city will be chocolate at the end of the day. ... This city will be a majority African-American city. It's the way God wants it to be."
- New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin

"How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That is the chocolate I am talking about."
- New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin, further explaining his chocolate city comment

"We still living in Katrina down here."
- Juvenile, on New Orleans, months after the Hurricane hit

"I love giving the golden shower. I've done it before in the shower. It's, like, so sexy."
- Ricky Martin

"I don't go hunting for celebrity babies. I have 116 other things to do, thank you, Billy. You need another job. I mean, you have potential as a human being. This may not be right for you. Seriously, can you focus on other things?"
- Jeremy Piven, to Billy Bush, who asked if Piven had met Violet Affleck or Suri Cruise, on the 2006 Emmy Red Carpet Special

"The reason why I'm here is definitely to find a husband. Hopefully, the Bachelor will be that guy because, quite frankly, my eggs are rotting."
- Allie G., on The Bachelor

"Naomi Campbell is being sued for abusing yet another housekeeper. In Naomi's defense, the maid had a lot of nerve walking around with her un-punched head."
- David Spade, on The Showbiz Show with David Spade

"I think it would take a lot for Asian hip-hop to become popular in the States for a variety of reasons. The first and biggest reason is that Americans are incredibly parochial about the kind of hip-hop that they like; as far as a lot of American rap fans are concerned, nothing outside of our borders matters. Not even Canada. And if Canadian rappers can’t even get any love, seriously, what hope does a kid out of Seoul or Shanghai or Manila or Jakarta really have about breaking into the States?"
- Oliver Wang, in an interview with APA Magazine

"I'm predicting that America will no longer be one nation but more like the Roman Empire--a conglomerate of races and cultures held together by a regime. The country I grew up in was culturally united, even if it was racially divided. We spoke the same language, had the same faith, laughed at the same comedians. We were one nationality. We're ceasing to be that when you have hundreds of thousands of people who want to retain their own culture, their own language, their own loyalty. What do we have in common that makes us fellow Americans? Is it simply citizenship? Or is it blood, soil, history and heroes?"
- Pat Buchanan, detailing his views on the harms of multiculturalism

"I wouldn't feel right wearing clothes covering my body."
- Christina Aguilera

"I learned this from a college graduate. She'd smoke a joint the night before a test, while she was studying, and then again in the morning and everything she had read would come right back. I tried this shit five times and I swear to God, I've never made less than a 92."
- Lil Wayne, a University of Houston student, giving advice on cramming for an exam

"Occasionally. One of the things I've used on the Google is to pull up maps. It's very interesting to see -- I've forgot the name of the program -- but you get the satellite, and you can -- like, I kinda like to look at the ranch. It reminds me of where I wanna be sometimes."
- President George W. Bush, on being asked whether he uses Google, in an interview with CNBC's Maria Bartiromo

"Nobody appreciates their girlfriend until they get herpes from the next one."
- Johnny Drama (Kevin Dillon) on Entourage

"These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband's death so much."
- Ann Coulter, on the women whose husbands died on 9-11

"Clay's strong. He'll always come out on top."
- Ruben Studdard, asked by Entertainment Tonight about the scrutiny on Clay Aiken's sexuality

"[W]hat I feel like saying is, 'Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies.' ... I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way."
- CNN Headline News anchor Glenn Beck to Congressman Keith Ellison, the first Muslim ever elected to Congress

"I dealt with people like this for 20 years. They will get up every day. They will kill somebody and go have some chicken at KFC. You will catch them eating chicken and drinking a beer after they just murdered three people. Sean, these people are out there. They're all over the place."
- Former LAPD Detective Mark Fuhrman, on Hannity & Colmes

"Trust me, Bart ... It's better to walk in on both your parents than on just one of them."
- Milhouse to Bart, after Bart saw Homer and Marge getting busy, on The Simpsons

"I love inside jokes. I'd love to be part of one someday."
- Michael Scott (Steve Carell) on The Office

"We support your war of terror! ... May George Bush drink the blood of every man, woman and child in Iraq!"
- Borat, before a cheering rodeo audience

--Junichi

BEST SONGS OF 2006

Here, at last, is my completed (last updated: December 29, 2006) list of the best singles of 2006.

100 BEST SONGS OF 2006:

1. My Love - Justin Timberlake
2. New Day - Kate Havnevik
3. Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
4. The Fear You Won't Fall - Joshua Radin
5. The Long Way Around - Dixie Chicks
6. When You Were Young (Jacque Lu Cont's Thin White Duke Mix) - The Killers
7. 9 Crimes - Damien Rice
8. You And I Are A Gang Of Losers - The Dears
9. Ain't No Other Man - Christina Aguilera
10. Tell Me When To Go (Remix) - E-40 feat. Kanye West & Ice Cube
    
11. Thin Blue Flame - Josh Ritter
12. Postcards from Italy - Beirut
13. Who Am I - Will Young
14. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
15. Keep Bouncin (Street) - Too $hort feat. Snoop Dogg and Will.i.am
    
16. The Man - Pete Yorn
17. Show Me What You Got - Jay-Z
18. Knockers - The Darkness
19. Baby Makin' Hips - Fantasia
20. Hip Hop Is Dead - Nas
21. Love Me Or Hate Me Remix - Lady Sovereign Feat. Missy Elliott
22. Starlight - Muse
23. God's Gonna Cut You Down - Johnny Cash
24. Number 1 (Superchumbo Remix) - Goldfrapp
25. Nausea - Beck
26. Fidelity - Regina Spektor
27. Rudebox - Robbie Williams
28. Cobrastyle - Teddybears feat. Mad Cobra
    
29. Bossy (Cavemen Remix) - Kelis
30. Compton - The Game feat. Will.i.am
    
31. Concentrate - Xzibit
32. Promiscuous - Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland
    
33. It Ends Tonight - The All-American Rejects
34. Need You Tonite - Mylo
35. Touch It (The Remix) - Busta Rhymes feat. Mary J. Blige Rah Digga Missy Elliott Dmx Lloyd Banks & Papoose
36. You Know I'm No Good - Ghostface Killah /Amy Winehouse
    
37. Sexyback - Justin Timberlake
38. And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going - Jennifer Hudson
39. Control Myself - LL Cool J Feat Jennifer Lopez
40. Emily - Joanna Newsom
41. Silent House - Dixie Chicks
42. Kick, Push - Lupe Fiasco
43. Doctor's Advocate - The Game feat. Busta Rhymes
    
44. Gotta Understand - Jurassic 5
45. Girls Gone Wild - Ludacris
46. Kick out the chairs (WhoMadeWho remix) - Munk feat. James Murphy
    
47. Stunna Shades - Federation feat. E-40
48. Come On! Let’s Boogey to the Elf Dance! - Sufjan Stevens
49. Lost One - Jay-Z Feat. Chrisette Michele
50. Boston - Augustana
51. Here It Goes Again - Ok Go
52. Over My Head (Cable Car) - The Fray
53. Sympathy - Billy Talent
54. Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall
55. Henrietta - The Fratellis
56. Wamp Wamp (What It Do) - Clipse feat. Slim Thug
    
57. Crazy - Snoop Dogg feat. Nate Dogg
    
58. Welcome To The Black Parade - My Chemical Romance
59. The Train - Outkast feat. Sleepy Brown
    
60. All Over Again - Ronan Keating
61. Electrik Heat - The Seekwill - K-Os
62. Maneater - Nelly Furtado
63. Hush Boy - Basement Jaxx
64. Lolita - Prince
65. Sexy Love - Ne-Yo
66. Can`t Take It In - Imogen Heap
67. Be Easy - Ghostface Killah & Trife Da God
68. Fergalicious - Fergie feat. Will.i.am
    
69. How We Operate - Gomez
70. Game for Fools - Jamie Lidell
71. Leave The Pieces - The Wreckers
72. Moving Like A Train - Herbert
73. Paranoid Android - Sia
74. Wisemen - James Blunt
75. Wind It Up - Gwen Stefani
76. I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker (With Flowers In My Hair) - Sandi Thom
77. Cooking - Scritti Politti
78. All Good Things (Come To An End) - Nelly Furtado
79. Streetlights - Rocky Votolato
80. Stolen - Dashboard Confessional
81. Not Big - Lily Allen
82. What You Know - T.I.
83. Faster Kill Pussy Cat - Paul Oakenfold feat. Brittany Murphy
84. Follow The Cops Back Home - Placebo
85. Supermassive Black Hole - Muse
86. Unfaithful - Rihanna
87. On The Evening Train - Johnny Cash
88. Too Much To Ask For - Radio 4
89. 3000 Flowers - Destroyer
90. Tent In Your Pants - Peaches
91. Whoo! Alright - Yeah... Uh Huh. - The Rapture
92. So Excited - Janet Jackson Feat. Khia
93. Long Distance Call (Remix by 25 Hours a Day) - Phoenix
94. Above The Clouds - Cyndi Lauper with Jeff Beck
    
95. I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor - Arctic Monkeys
96. Bulgarian Chicks - Balkan Beat Box
97. U & Ur Hand - P!nk
98. Poppin' My Collar - Three 6 Mafia
99. Steam and Sequins for Larry Levan - Matmos
100. Goodbye Earl - Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

Random notes:

• I finalized these rankings using a complicated mathematical formula that involves how often I hummed the tune while waiting in line at Quizno's, the number of tweens who perform the song at karaoke night at the mall, and whether I can still stand listening to the song today.
• I didn't limit myself to one song per artist, although I put the bar higher for repeat showings by a single artist.
• I realize some of the songs are from albums released in 2005. Sue me.
• Any weak choices should be blamed on programmers at Sirius Satellite Radio and all my favorite audioblogs.
• If you feel my taste in music is craptacular, feel free to send me mp3s at junichi @ junichisemitsu.com.
  

--Junichi