TOP 10 NICKNAMES OTHER THAN "A-ROID" THAT WILL SURFACE AFTER EVERYONE ADMITS TO STEROID USE

Alex Rodriguez actually misses when he was just "A-Hole"

Top 10 Nicknames Other Than "A-Roid" That Will Surface After Allegations of Steroid Use are Brought to Light:

1. Roid Blagojevich


2. Hannah Montanabolic Steroids


3. H.G.H. Wells


4. Asterisk Astley


5. Balco-fi Annan


6. Juiced Newton


7. Zac Efroid


8. Celene Androsteredion


9. Human Growth Hormona Lisa


10. Nastia Liukinjection

--Junichi

NON-ASIAN ARTISTS WITH ASIAN-SOUNDING NAMES

Sun Kil Moon = Some are tiny; none are Korean.

Within the last two hours, my iTunes randomly played "Lamb and the Lion" by The Mae Shi, "Heat of the Moment" by Asia, "Waiting for Tonight" by J. Lo, "9 Crimes" by Damien Rice, "C.R.E.A.M." by the Wu-Tang Clan, and "How I Go" by Yellowcard.

I couldn't help notice the Asian theme running in the artists' names, even though the closest they come to being Asian is eating at PF Chang's.

That inspired my assembling the following list of ...

Top 10 Non-Asian Artists with Asian-Sounding Names:

1. Wu-Tang Clan
2. The Mae Shi
3. Wang Chung
4. Sun Kil Moon
5. Lykke Li
6. Four Tet
7. Lil Kim
8. Tokio Hotel
9. J-Kwon
10. Xiu Xiu

... with a soundtrack to boot.

Of course, there is an argument that the Wu-Tang Clan is now officially Asian.

--Junichi

TOP 10 SONGS I CAN'T LISTEN TO IN MY CAR BECAUSE THE SIREN OR ALARM SOUNDS TRICK ME INTO THINKING A COP IS PULLING ME OVER

Woop! Woop! That's not the sound of da police!

We've all experienced it ...


You're behind the wheel. The stereo is on full blast.

Suddenly, you hear the sound of police sirens.

You realize you were going 95 mph in a school zone.

You panic. You check your mirrors to find the red and blue lights. You soil your pants.

You slow down, change lanes, and prepare to pull over.

You get out the video camera you bought after the Rodney King incident.

You worry about the five-0's finding the bodies in the trunk.

You ponder making a run for it. You throw the brick of cocaine out your window.

Finally, you realize that the alarm noises, yet again, are just part of the tune to which you were listening.

You laugh to yourself and make a note to compile a list of songs to never listen to in your car again.



This is that list.


TOP 10 SONGS I CAN'T LISTEN TO IN MY CAR BECAUSE THE SIREN OR ALARM NOISES TRICK ME INTO THINKING A COP IS PULLING ME OVER

1. "One Mic" - Nas
2. "Leave" - R.E.M.
3. "Sirens" - Dizzee Rascal
4. "Shake A Lil' Something" - 2 Live Crew
5. "Shooter" - Robin Thicke feat. Lil Wayne
6. "I'm Bad" - LL Cool J
7. "Believe" - Chemical Brothers
8. "Police State" - Dead Prez
9. "Now That You Got It" - Gwen Stefani
10. "Ring The Alarm" - Beyonce

I know there are many more. Shucks, I didn't even mention PE's "Lost at Birth."

As a public service to others, feel free to add to the list.

--Junichi

TOP 10 WORDS CHAMILLIONAIRE IS UNLIKELY TO USE

They never see me Toyota Corollin

Top 10 Words That Rapper Chamillionaire and his Chamillitary Company Are Unlikely To Use

1. Chamenopause
2. Chamayonnaise
3. Teenage Chamutant Ninja Turtles
4. Chamilquetoast
   
5. Chamagistrate
6. Wrestle-chamania
7. Chamanhole
8. Chamama's Family
   
9. Chametrosexual
10. The Little Chamermaid

--Junichi

TOP 10 THINGS I'D BE UPSET ABOUT IF I WERE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

A photo I took last week

If I were William Shakespeare and I came back from the dead, these are the Top 10 things I'd be upset about:

1. The fact that there is a Starbucks directly facing the Globe Theatre in London where I first staged my plays
   


2. Keanu Reeves in Much Ado About Nothing
   


3. That I was forced to fight Busta Rhymes in Celebrity Deathmatch for the title of Best Poet
   


4. Lil' Romeo
   


5. Ben Affleck in Shakespeare in Love
   


6. The fact that Ben Affleck will forever be Academy Award Winner Ben Affleck
   


7. The band Shakespear's Sister
   


8. All the so-called literature experts who argue that some other bloke wrote my stuff
   


9. Jet Li and Aaliyah not dying -- and merely hugging -- at the end of Romeo Must Die
   


10. My CelebriDuck:
    

--Junichi

TOP 10 STEREOTYPES I LEARNED FROM DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES

Please don't deport me!

After watching Sunday night's season finale, I prepared this Top 10 list of stereotypes I learned from watching this season's Desperate Housewives:

1. If Chinese women are deported back to China, they will become slaves.


2. Retarded black men cannot resist white nubile girls.


3. Mexican men and their Mexican gardeners love pregnant Asian housekeepers.


4. White mothers like to breastfeed as long as possible to lose weight.


5. Pharmacists and nuns are psychotic.


6. Gay sons must be abandoned or they will screw their mother's boyfriend.


7. Non-Chinese people pronounce the name "Xiao Mei" as "Chow Mein."


8. Recovering alcoholics also tend to be recovering sex addicts.


9. Pregnant strippers cannot be trusted to honor promises to sell their attractive babies.


10. Black families should never be allowed into white suburban neighborhoods.

--Junichi

MORE RANDOM TOP 10 LISTS

Swayze reenacts the Tyson-Holyfield fight

TOP 10 SONGS THAT REFERENCE PATRICK SWAYZE

1. "Bring The Pain" - Method Man
2. "Typical American" - The Goats
3. "Runnin' (Dying to Live)" - 2Pac feat. Notorious B.I.G.
4. "In The Flesh" - Jurassic 5
5. "It's All Good" - DMX
6. "I Think Patrick Swayze is Sexy" - Kane Hodder
7. "And Then What" - Young Jeezy feat. Mannie Fresh
8. "Shake Your Booty" - Public Enemy
9. "Boon Dox" - EPMD
10. "Swap Meet Louie" - Sir Mix-A-Lot

(Oliver's Note: This is a Top 10 out of at least 80 choices. Act like you know.)


TOP 10 HANNA BARBERA CHARACTERS THAT SOUND LIKE ADULT FILM STARS

1. Dick Dastardly
2. Punkin Puss
3. Droop-A-Long
4. Shag Rugg
5. Melody Valentine
6. Bamm Bamm Rubble
7. The Great Gazoo
8. Gloop and Gleep
9. Dorno
10. Quick Draw McGraw

(You can confirm the existence of these characters here.)


TOP 10 DUBIOUS CRAYOLA CRAYON COLORS

1. Shadow
2. Beaver
3. Jazzberry Jam
4. Inch Worm
5. Outer Space
6. Timber Wolf
7. Flesh*
8. Manatee
9. Razzmatazz
10. Macaroni and Cheese

* = was changed to peach


TOP 10 SONGS THAT FEATURE BREATHING SOUNDS

1. "Find A Way" - A Tribe Called Quest
2. "Breathe Me" - Sia
3. "Jesus Walks" - Kanye West
4. "I'm A Slave 4 U" - Britney Spears
5. "Let's Go Crazy" - Prince
6. "Do Me" - Bell Biv Devoe
7. "Oh Sheila" - Ready for the World
8. "Lose My Breath" - Destiny's Child
9. "U Make Me Wanna" - Usher
10. "Tipsy" - J-Kwon

--Junichi

RANDOM TOP 10 LISTS

Mr. Big Stuff

Even before High Fidelity, I had an awful genetic predisposition to making random Top 10 lists.

After the jump, you can check out a few of my recent ones:

• TOP 10 SONGS WITH TITLES IN THE TITLE



• TOP 10 COUNTRIES I DIDN'T KNOW EXISTED



• TOP 10 LAMEST PROFESSIONAL SPORTS TEAM NAMES



• TOP 10 FAVORITE PHRASES IN R.E.M.'s "IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT (AND I FEEL FINE)"



• TOP 10 SYNONYMS FOR FAT

CLICK HERE TO CONTINUE READING...


Top 10 Songs with Salutations Titles in the Title

1. Sir Duke - Stevie Wonder
2. Mr. Brightside - The Killers
3. Ms. Fat Booty - Mos Def
4. Hey Mr. DJ - Zhane
5. Mr. Telephone Man - New Edition
6. Mr. Zebra - Tori Amos
7. Mr. Big Stuff - Jean Knight
8. Mr. Roboto - Styx
9. Mrs. Robinson - Simon & Garfunkel
10. Mr. Wendal - Arrested Development


Top 10 Countries I Didn't Know Existed Until I Saw This List of Countries

1. Saint Vincent and the Grenadines
2. South Ossetia
3. Saint Kitts and Nevis
4. Abkhazia
5. Swaziland
6. Gabon
7. Mauritius
8. Seychelles
9. Benin
10. Tajikistan


Top 10 Lamest Current Professional Sports Team Names

1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
2. Columbus Blue Jackets
3. Utah Jazz
4. Anaheim Mighty Ducks
5. Orlando Miracle
6. Oakland A's (or Athletics, either way)
7. L.A. Clippers
8. New Jersey Nets
9. Milwaukee Brewers
10. Connecticut Sun

X. Montreal Expos

Top 10 Favorite Phrases in R.E.M.'s "It's The End of the World As We Know It (and I Feel Fine)"

1. Lock him in uniform
2. Listen to your heart bleed
3. 6 o'clock TV hour
4. Don't get caught in foreign tower
5. Every motive escalate
6. A tournament of lies
7. Birthday party cheesecake
8. The furies breathing down your neck
9. Listen to yourself churn
10. Ladder structure clutter


Top 10 Synonyms for "Fat" according to Thesaurus.com

1. Surplus
2. Butterball
3. Oily
4. Good
5. Plumpish
6. Tubby
7. Cushy
8. Inflated
9. Elephantine
10. Fatlike

--Junichi