BEST QUOTES OF 2009
As I've done for the past few years (click to see 2005 2006 2007 or 2008), I wrote down all the unbelievable, outrageous, inspiring, insipid, bewildering, or hilarious statements made this calendar year. Enjoy. - JPS
"Um, you guys said that we, um, did this for the show."
"You don’t like black people, but you’re working your hardest to get as brown as I am!"
"Thanks for bringing her violations to my attention. ... There's going to be swift action."
“We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage…I think I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there.”
"The Governor is hiking the Appalachian Trail."
"I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificent gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curve of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of the night's light - but hey, that would be going into sexual details..."
"Right now, I’d give anything to be hiking the Appalachian Trail."
"It's clearly not what my mom wanted."
"I know it wasn't rape-rape. I think it was something else, but I don't believe it was rape-rape."
"If only I'd listened to CNBC, I'd have $1 million today--provided I had started with $100 million."
"I think it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren's eyes if they continue that way."
"We are being told that we have to hope he succeeds, that we have to bend over, grab the ankles ... because his father was black"
"I know the President is black, but this is not Showtime at the Apollo. ... Nancy Pelosi was so shocked, she took out her compact and drew in her eyebrows all furrowed."
"How'd you like to try an Australian kiss? It's like a French kiss, but down under."
"You go from having a mommy website to finding your picture 5,000 miles away."
"Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail, just have it as your telephone number. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye."
"She didn't feel a thing."
"It may be tempting and more comfortable to just kind of keep your head down, plod along, and appease those who demand, 'Hey, sit down and shut up,' but that's a worthless, easy path. That's a quitter's way out."
"The human mind is like Van Halen. If you just pull out one piece and keep replacing it, it just degenerates."
"After we warm up before a game, I gotta take a dump. It's a huge benefit to release that gas you don't need. The facilities are beautiful. We're spoiled. If I get a good one, I know I'm gonna score two touchdowns."
"I know some people will see the irony here."
"She wears little eye-patch underwear. So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday--a lot! And so she'll, she's all, 'I am going up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me!' So messy!"
"I've never wanted kids... don't have the time, don't have the uterus."
"I want to make this statement. This is a real good statement here: Marshall and I — we own a record company."
"Now Taylor, I'm really happy for you. Imma let you finish. But Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. One of the best videos of all time!"
"I totally understand O.J."
"Do I f@#$ing walk around and rip that --- no, shut the f$#k up, Bruce --- do I wa--- No! NO! Don't shut me up! Am I gonna walk around and rip your f@#$in' lights down in the middle of the scene...? Then why the f*@k are you walking right through? Ah da da da da, like this in the background. What the f&%k is it with you? What don't you f@#$ing understand? You got any f@#$in' idea about how... hey, it's f@#$ing distracting having somebody walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the f@#$ing scene! Give me a f@#$ing answer!"
- Christian Bale, during his tirade on set of Terminator Salvation, as DP Shane Hurlbut accidentally walked onto the set. This also led to one of the greatest video mashups ever.
"Its a ASS suniami!!!!!!!!"
"Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining-room table. I have no interest in doing it."
"Keep f***ing that chicken."
- New York news anchor Ernie Anastos to weatherman Nick Gregory, live on Fox 8
"If our mom knew, she would disown us."
"Keep your government hands off my Medicare."
"If there's one thing I hate, it's losing. If there's two things I hate, it's losing and getting cancer."
"I bowled a 129. It's like -- it was like Special Olympics, or something."
"A book hasn't caused this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory."
"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."
"People wanted bigger weddings, newer carriages ... They were buying things they didn't need."
"It is our duty to defend people’s votes. There is no turning back.”
"I wanted to tell everybody so you don't think I stole a Korean baby!"
"Oh, Ann, I am so fine. As long as you and me are cool. You know my code. Hos before bros. Uteruses before duderuses. ... Ovaries before bovaries."
"Why? Because I’m a black man in America?"
"[Officials] willfully trained and encouraged the dolphins to throw water."
"Since 1980, there have been 91 breaches of security at the White House. Well, 92 if you count George Bush."
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