A MESSAGE TO THOSE OUTRAGED BY MICHAEL VICK

Tackle Cruelty = Kick Vick

It's not that I don't understand all the indignation over Michael Vick's alleged crimes against dogs.

I oppose pointless animal cruelty and find the story altogether disturbing.

But to you incensed protesters and inflamed radio show callers who can't stop barking about how Michael Vick should be mercilessly punished: where were you after the news of Abu Ghraib broke?

What is it that allows you to become so impassioned over the torture of several dogs but totally apathetic, at best, when it comes to our federal government torturing other human beings?

I find both the act of drowning dogs and drowning humans disgusting.

But drowning dogs is illegal.

Drowning humans, on the other hand, in the form of water boarding, can be permitted at the directive of the President of the United States. (Several news outlets have reported that the White House has explicitly approved water boarding as an interrogation technique.)

Don't get me wrong. I feel sorry for the dogs. But our head of state has not incorporated animal torture into his foreign policy. Our elected leaders are not attempting to block Amnesty International or the United Nations from observing alleged acts of canine torture.

Which is to say, so long as our tax dollars fund the torture of human beings, how can anybody possibly spend any energy protesting the alleged crimes of Michael Vick?

Get your priorities straight.

--Junichi

WHEN PUPPY LOVE GOES TOO FAR

Yes, that dog is in a stroller. And yes, that dog is wearing a thong.

By way of disclaimer, let me just say that I love animals.

In theory, I believe they should be protected from torture or abuse because they have a full range of human emotions. In reality, I make an exception for those creatures that are delicious, in which case I convince myself that God has substituted out their feelings and replaced them with comatose nerve endings used to make nuggets.

Thus, I am a vegi-curious non-practicing ethical vegetarian that avoids meat by any means necessary, only making a small exception for chicken, beef, turkey, fish, duck, rabbit, ostrich, lamb, quail, pheasant, and the rodents used to make Taco Bell's delicious Crunchwrap Supremes.

But in all seriousness, I do believe that all living creatures deserve respect. I just don't think we have a duty to work towards the complete protection of every animal until after ensuring that every human being on this planet enjoys every rights guaranteed by the United Nation's Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

My mixed feelings have been especially tested with the latest ways in which pet owners are pampering their "companions." Cosmetic surgery for animals comes to mind. I also am unconvinced that neutered pets need Neuticles in order to combat their alleged depression onset by genital mutilation.

But here's where I draw the line: animal strollers.

Apparently, customized puppy strollers are all the rage. But all that rage is now inside me and I seem to have an irrational response anytime I see an animal stroller.

So let me warn you now. If I see you walking your dog in a stroller, I will say one of the following things to you:

1. Congratulations! Your baby looks just like you! He has your eyes. And your breath.
2. Do you also pre-chew your dog's food for him?
3. I'm so sorry that you have no friends.
4. Since your stroller already smells like Pomeranian feces, may I vomit inside there?
5. Wow, that is one lazy b!tch.
   
6. Excuse me, do you have a letter opener I can borrow so I can repeatedly stab my cranium until I bleed to death?

--Junichi