EUROPEANS ARE STEALING OUR JOBS (AND OTHER POST-OSCAR COMMENTARY)

Not an American

Europeans are stealing our acting jobs, that is. All of tonight's acting prizes went to our frenemies across the pond:

• Javier Bardem from Spain
• Tilda Swinton from the UK
• Marion Cotillard from France
• Daniel Day-Lewis from Ireland and the UK

I say it's time to build a giant fence along the East Coast.

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In other Oscar news, how ironic is it that U.S. soldiers, who are not allowed to be openly gay, just presented an Oscar for Best Documentary Short Subject to a film about a struggling lesbian couple?

(Was 'ironic' the wrong word to use in the previous sentence? Alanis really messed up my ability to use that word. Whenever I get a death row pardon two minutes too late, I say it's 'ironic,' even though the correct word is probably 'infuriating.')

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Now that Diablo Cody won an Oscar, I would like to finally express my utter disdain for the script for Juno.

I love Diablo's personal story, the film's amazing cast, and about two of Michael Cera's lines. And I hate to attack a young, up-and-coming female indie writer who is finally offering Hollywood a fresh female lead character.

But seriously, the first half of Juno was unbearable to the point where I wanted to barflee (barf and flee). The last time I even considered walking out on a movie was last millennium when I paid $8 to see Starship Troopers. In my opinion, the Academy just gave an Oscar to utterly unlistenable dialogue and a preposterous story line. I know millions disagree with me. But you all are blinded by either media hype or a cool hamburger phone.

Moreover, how the Academy overlooked the amazing script that was Michael Clayton is beyond me.

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Did Regis just say Xavier (pronouned: eggs-AY-vee-ur) Bardem?

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Marion Cotillard absolutely deserved to win, but Julie Christie was truly stunning in Away From Her. Both of those performances will probably haunt me for years to come.

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Unfortunately, I smelled what the Rock was presenting. (How in the world does the Academy justify his presence?)

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I enjoyed No Country for Old Men and There Will Be Blood. I'm glad they were recognized. But of all the 2007 movies about greed, crime, and moral depravity, I strongly prefer Before The Devil Knows Your Dead, which was criminally overlooked.

How is there any justice in the world when Norbit is an Oscar-nominated film and Sidney Lumet's Before The Devil Knows Your Dead isn't? For shame.

--Junichi