MORE SIGNS THAT THE END OF THE WORLD IS NEAR

Dow Jowned

While your parents' retirement evaporates, here's some news that will help you sniff the end of civilization around the corner:

• Anarrrrrrchy! Those Somali pirates are actually going to score an $8 million booty.

• You also just made $8 million bucks because you took the 8,234,957-to-1 odds and bet a dollar that the Bush Administration would nationalize our banks and bring socialism to the United States.

• The National Security Agency has been eavesdropping on the phone sex conversations of American soldiers overseas. Those of you who insisted that wiretapping would not infringe on the privacy of innocent Americans can apologize now.

• Cocaine dealers are charging a fuel surcharge to customers because of high gas prices. Lesson: save money and save the environment by riding your bike to your coke dealer's house.
  

• Maryland police put nonviolent anti-Iraq War and anti-death penalty activists on their list of suspected terrorists. Apparently, the real Baltimore police are not half as sophisticated as the fake Baltimore police on The Wire.
  

• Beverly Hills Chihuahua grosses $29 million in this economy and tops box office.

• Actual news article headline: "Three dead following quarrel over penis size"

• McCain stops calling us "my friends" and instead opts for the more appropriate phrase "my fellow prisoners":

--Junichi