A REPORT FROM THE GRAMMY AWARDS

He gotta big weed stash / pocket full of cash / just seen a big ol' Grammy

I'm happy to report that my article, "The Chicks Have Arrived," the exclusive report from backstage with the Dixie Chicks, is now live on MSN.

Although much of the essay focuses on the Chicks' five-Grammy win, there is a small portion that focuses on the two most important events of the evening:

1. I urinated while standing next to Smokey Robinson.

2. I defecated next to Lionel Richie.

Wow!

*

No matter what you may think of the Grammy Awards, I felt quite humbled, blessed, and awed while there. Here are a few observations from the Grammy Awards that didn't make it into the article:

• Ludacris is not a very tall man. My photo above strangely captures the insignificance of his height. When I passed him in a narrow corridor, I almost felt comfortable enough to yell out, "Move b!tch, get out the way!" Of course, he's still got a good inch or two on me.

• On the other end of the height spectrum, Imogen Heap is one skyscraper of a woman.

(I'm disappointed, by the way, that Imogen didn't win for Best New Artist. Although, on the upside, that award seems to be a curse -- hello, Milli Vanilli! Men At Work! Plus, her winning "Best New Artist" in 2007 would have been ridiculous since I first heard her on mainstream radio almost a decade ago.)

• I'm afraid that Beyonce is a robot. I saw her three times and she had no emotion on her face. Ever.

• On my second time entering the Staples Center with the Dixie Chicks, I was denied entry by security because they found the camera I had stashed in my backpack. The Chicks and their managers made a brief appeal on my behalf, but it made no difference, to my shock. Then, while I waited for further instructions, Timbaland approached the doors. He hadn't picked up his tickets in advance, however. He was therefore denied entry, despite the fact that he was obviously Timbaland and one of the night's presenters and nominees. The man was none too happy about the situation.

• Paul Wall's grillz can be seen from a mile away.

• Especially when in the presence of so many great artists, most celebrities seemed to keep their ego in check. I caught only two people walking around as if they were royalty: Carrie Underwood and Wyclef Jean. To be fair, I only saw them for a few seconds, and I'm probably biased from hearing reports that Carrie Underwood is a big diva. But whereas most celebrities tried to blend in with their handlers, Carrie and Wyclef both walked as if they were heading for their own coronation at Buckingham Palace.

• Speaking of royalty, Queen Latifah was standing next to me while we were watching The Police perform on a backstage monitor. The Queen definitely likes The Police. Her continual colorful commentary also suggests that she would be a great friend to watch TV with. She's probably the only person who always looked like she was having a good time.

• Most intimidating squad of bodyguards? Chamillionaire.

--Junichi