TOM TANCREDO WILL DEFEND OUR MALLS

Hot topic alert!

For your own protection and enlightenment, watch the above television commercial from GOP presidential candidate Tom Tancredo.

His latest commercial features the following ominous narration:

There are consequences to open borders beyond the 20 million aliens who've come to take our jobs. Islamic terrorists now freely roam U.S. soil. Jihadists, who froth with hate, here to do as they have in London, Spain, and Russia. The price we pay for spineless politicians who refuse to defend our borders against those who come to kill? ...

The ad depicts a hooded dude with white gloves strolling into a mall to the sounds of loud ticking (possibly the theme song to 60 Minutes), dropping his backpack near a bench, and then blowing up the place.

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Tancredo's ad strikes me as inaccurate or deceptive.

I am always at the mall. (Forever 21, holla!)

So I know that if the ad's mall footage were real, we would hear nothing but Christmas Carols, unless it happened to be filmed during the non-holiday season between June 29 and July 2.

We'd also see more hyperactive children hopped up from consuming the year's supply of maple sugar that is one Cinnabon roll.

Plus, the only time I've seen an empty bench at the mall was outside Hit or Miss after my Panda Express-guzzling uncle once dropped a few of his own bombs on the bench, if you know what I'm saying, and I think you do.

But that's just me nitpicking with the ad.

As I absorb the imminent doom of hoodie-wearing Jihadists in the midst of Mervyn's, I realize Tancredo is right on point.

First, I have already felt the effects of 20 million aliens trying to take our jobs. As of next semester, the law school where I currently work will be outsourcing all teaching to the immigrant laborers hanging out near Home Depot. Also, the Dixie Chicks have replaced me with a Mongolian with even worser English skills than me has.

Second, Tancredo is correct to frame this upcoming presidential election as a choice between (1) political candidates who support opening our borders to those who plan to kill and (2) Tom Tancredo.

From now on, I'm playing for Team Tancredo. No longer will I fall for John Edwards' stump speech about how awesome it would be if we invited homicidal aliens into our country.

I thank the Lord that it's not too late to close our borders, defend our malls, and elect Tom Tancredo as our supreme leader.

As the sole candidate with the wisdom to make America safer by suggesting we bomb Islamic holy sites and the spine to ensure our shopping areas only allow liquids, gels, or Icees in three-ounce containers in single quart-size Ziploc bags, Tom Tancredo deserves our fear vote.

--Junichi