MS. SMITH GOES TO WASHINGTON

All rise

Each year, the Supreme Court receives almost 8,000 petitions per year. The Justices only agree to hear (a.k.a. grant the writ of certiorari with regard to) a mere 80 cases, about 1% of the total requests. The high court only reviews those cases that raise issues of national importance or provide the chance to set a nationally uniform rule that settles divided legal authority.

Which is to say - holy mother of Satan's poop chute - I can't believe the highest court in the land just agreed to hear the Anna Nicole Smith inheritance case.

Only in America does a newly-appointed head of the judicial branch begin his lifetime (I predict half a century) tenure by hearing arguments over whether a famed Trimspa spokeswoman and Playboy centerfold is the rightful heir of the millions from the estate of her elderly lover whose octogenerian cullions she lovingly nurtured for a good eight months until he died.

I don't know which justice pushed to hear Anna Nicole's case. But I can say that when I see CNN's headline for this news story -- "Playmate Appeals to Supreme Court" -- I think of Justice Clarence Thomas.

Anna Nicole Smith is apparently planning to attend the oral arguments. It's too bad she's not arguing the case herself. I saw her reality show and know that her brain, which can generously be described as inactive and comatosely retarded, would explode if forced to discuss the issue in this case: whether the probate exception to federal court jurisdiction only allows state courts to hear estate-settlement cases.

It's hard to predict how the Court will rule. But I can say with confidence that Chief Justice Roberts will take away her right to an abortion.

One final note: I am not a legal historian, but I am certain that Anna Nicole Smith is the only SCOTUS ligitant whose chest has been reported to have exploded.

--Junichi