A MESSAGE FROM LANCE ARMSTRONG'S EX-WIFE
Oh yay! Lance wins his 7th Tour de France! Lance is an American hero! Well where is my magazine cover? While Lance was out chomping on fromage and sipping wine during breaks between biking through the French countryside, I've been changing his three kids' diapers -- without the help of a professional support team!Everyone yaps about his yellow jerseys, but what about my yellow sweaters? My V-necks were originally white, but now they're yellow because our freaking kids -- Luke, Isabelle, and Grace -- keep peeing on me.
Nobody seems to care about my time trial victories! For four years, I pumped three gallons of breast milk per day! And what recognition did I get? I got a little "Kristin's Corner" on his website. Yeah, I got my own corner. Just like a f^@king prostitute.
And then he divorces me! And now I don't even have a corner!
Am I bitter? Hell to the yes! See, I liked Lance back when he was only winning pink 6th place ribbons for Austin's annual Schwinn-sponsored training-wheel race. Back when guys with bike pants were never considered sexy. Back when he had two balls. Oh, but once he started winning the big tournaments and beating his cancer, suddenly, I wasn't good enough!
Apparently, I have to be a multi-Grammy winning, former Michael Jackson backup singer in order to be good enough to hug him at the trophy ceremony. Everday may be a winding road for Sheryl, but it's a child-rearing road to Prozac and Jack Daniels for me. Everytime I see that tramp kissing him in his Postal Service jersey, all I wanna do is have some fun and go postal on them!
Now, at the decrepit age of 33, he's retiring and collecting checks from product endorsements! What a lazy bastard. I still have to work another 30 years! Well America, instead of buying yellow wristbands from UniBall's LiveStrong charity, maybe you can purchase some wristbands from my LiveBitter organization. All the bands are genuine yellow from Lance Armstrong's abandoned children's urine!
(with thanks to Yanna B.)
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