AMAZING STORIES
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Wendy the Snapple Lady gets everyone wet and sticky
- New Yorkers get the sticky icky icky: Union Square was flooded yesterday. So what, you might ask? The cause wasn't a thunderstorm or a broken hydrant, but rather a melting 25-foot, 17-ton pink popsicle made of Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple. Snapple's attempt to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for the largest popsicle -- on a very warm and sunny summer day (!?!) -- failed, to the surprise of only dunces. However, the fake juice company succeeded in injuring pedestrians, snarling traffic, and re-bottling the melted juice to create a new Snapple flavor: BigApple-Urineberry.
- Mr. Wendell, Kevlar Tongue: After Wendell Coleman woke up yesterday with a monster headache and a swollen lip, he walked twelve blocks to the nearest hospital to get checked out. What's so amazing about that? Doctors discovered a bullet lodged in his tongue. Apparently, when another man shoved a pistol into Wendell's face the previous night and pulled the trigger, Wendell didn't realize he had been shot. Now with only seven more bullets to go, he's destined to be the next 50 Cent. Until then, he will remain the Director of Marketing Promotions at Snapple.
- The Miseducation of Chenigall Suseela: This is an amazing story of resistance: wife wants an education, husband objects, wife gets a divorce. What's remarkable about that? For starters, the wife is 14 and the husband is 15. Also, it's apparently the first time in the Indian state of Andhra Pradesh that an underage female bride resisted the long-standing tradition of forced marriages and successfully obtained a divorce. Of course, she had to credibly threaten to commit suicide, but hey, a victory is a victory.
- Titanic II: The Vacation from Hell: A week-long Caribbean cruise was just cancelled due to poor sales. So what? The cruise was themed "The Battle for American Values" and featured symposium topics like "How to Combat the ACLU." The highlight? A special appearance by Bill O'Reilly. Despite heavy advertising on Fox News, prospective travelers stayed away, apparently worried that Mr. O'Reilly would enter their cabin showers and lather them up with a falafel. What ever will I do for my honeymoon now? (credit: SweetJesusIHateBillOreilly)
- Yuen Wo Ping Pong: Finally, this isn't a story, but it's pretty amazing, nonetheless. Only the Japanese would think of combining the Matrix and ping pong for a variety show. (credit: Preeti!)
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