WEEKEND WRAP-UP: BAY TO BREEDERS EDITION
Nerd family mistakes "Bay to Breakers" race for line to get Star Wars tickets
What a weekend! Just in case you were (a) knocking out major milestones like marriage and a PhD in 24 hours (like O-Deezy) or (b) preoccupied trying to outpace the Kenyans in your provocative Bay to Breakers costume or (c) busy seeing psychiatrists in South Africa and denying rumors of crack abuse, here's what you missed:
- Newsweek kills at least a dozen people: Newsweek magazine seems to be retracting its earlier story claiming that U.S. interrogators at Guantanamo Bay desecrated the Koran by flushing it down a toilet. I'm not sure what's worse: (1) the potential truth of the story, (2) the chance that Newsweek is retracting the story out of government pressure, given that it has ignited anti-American riots and sparked new calls by Afghan clerics for a holy way against the U.S., or (3) the possibility that Newsweek made a total journalistic error that cost 17 lives and dozens of injured bodies.
- Speaking of giving the world the finger... The Senate is expected to approve the nomination of John Bolton to be the US Ambassador to the UN, which solidifies the President's message that he doesn't give a rat's ass about the rest of the planet. It's hard for me to comprehend why this vote is expected to come down to a party-line vote, in the face of clear evidence that Bolton has frequently manipulated intelligence, serially abused employees, earned the reputation of a loose cannon, and frequently ridiculed the UN. What happened to the GOP's attempt to try diplomacy during the second term?
- Speaking of fingers ... Update! The "Wendy's chili" finger belongs to a man who worked with James Plascencia, the husband of the woman who claimed she found the finger in a bowl of chili at a Wendy's restaurant in San Jose. Apparently, Mr. Plascencia, whose last name does not mean "multiple placenta," handles workers' comp claims by giving the incriminating evidence to his wife.
- In other nuptial news ... it was revealed this weekend that former Congressman Gerry Studds married his longtime partner shortly after same-sex marriage became legal in Massachusetts. Rep. Studds is not only famous for being the first openly gay member of Congress, but he also gets my runner-up prize for "Best Porn Star Name in Congress," placing second, of course, to former House Majority Leader Dick Armey.
- Speaking of marriage and calls for death ... While I do sympathize with any person who gets stood up at the altar, I am also starting to feel sorry for Jennifer Wilbanks, whose Large Marge eyes still grace the cover of every publication in the grocery checkout line, not to mention the bottles of Jennifer's High Tailin' Hot Sauce and the new Runaway Bride action figures. Even though I'm pleased to see that the calls for lynching in the South are not being directed at black men or gay immigrants or Constitution-enforcing judges, I feel like people's wrath would be better directed at, say, John Bolton, or even Michael Bolton.
I appreciate Bill Maher's observation:
Americans this week have acted like the so-called 'runaway bride' is crazy for skipping town rather than marrying a Sunday school teacher in Duluth, Georgia. Ah, yes, the good life: the bake sales, the prayer meetings, the abortion protests, who could just walk away from all that? How come when the girl from Titanic ditches her fiance, it's the greatest romance of all time, but when Jennifer Wilbanks does it, she's a "criminal loon with a case of temporary insanity"?
Temporary sanity is more like it. She was staring down the barrel of 14 bridesmaids and 600 guests in the Georgia heat watching a Baptist in a blue suit sanctify her sex life with Welch's grape juice and a reading from The Purpose-Driven Life. Suddenly, Greyhound to Vegas looked pretty good!
- And finally, speaking of people who have not actually been abducted, it must be pretty sweet when you're 5-years-old and your game of hide-and-seek is joined by rescue teams, a helicopter, military planes and multiple K-9 units.
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