EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX...FROM MUSIC CRITICS

now that's called being fully focused

Nerve.com presents: Sex Advice from Music Critics. This is NOT a joke. It is also one of the funniest things I've seen in as long as I can remember. Those of you NOT music critics will likely just write this off as some insider b.s. (and you'd be right) but considering that I'm friends with more than half the people interviewed here (and shame on all of you for not telling me you were doing this), I find this hilarious.

I mean, check out Joey's "I'm serious...about being sexy" gaze above. His myspace hits is about to blow up something ridiculous. Go on, dust ya shoulders off.

Here's the really real realness:

From my girl J-Shep:

Describe a new sexual position you've created — something we'd never find in a 101 sexual positions book.
I call it the "Rhythm Nation 2005," inspired by my choreography idols Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul: Do the snake onto your man and then, like Mos Def said, just bounce.

From J-Ho:

Sites such as Pitchfork have catapulted certain rock critics to high profiles. In some ways do you think this has increased your ability to get laid easily? We know rock stars get laid all the time, but how about rock critics?
First, If you had ever met anyone on staff at Pitchfork you would never have posed this question.

From JazzBoBice:

Is there rampant incest within the community?
Only if you're from Minnesota.

(I appreciate that only about three of you are getting some of these jokes right now and I'm certain at least one of you have the initials "MM"). Moving on...

From Young Kreezy:

What is the quickest way to get a music critic in bed?
This is really easy. First you reference something she wrote, telling her how observant it was, noting that it was very courageous of her to speak up like she did. This will make her feel attractive and appreciated. Next, you reference something by a male writer you admire and say you wish you could write like him. This creates the illusion that you are really interested in journalism while projecting an image of humility. Then reference something by another female writer. It helps if she has a friendship and/or competition with this writer. This will let her know that it's not a one-horse race and that she'd better be on her P's and Q's. Finally, you bring it back to her, just to underscore the fact that you're interested. From there, all you have to do is invite her to your place to check out your back issues of Esquire or your rare music collection.

ELSEWHERE...

Once again proving that he has one of the best gigs in the country, the NY Times' Kalefah Sanneh reviews the new CDs from Quasimoto and Turf Talk (told you I was plat, b----). Just to point out - the review's title is confusing: "Bay Area Rap World Takes In the Brash and the Eccentric." Last time I stepped outside my door, L.A. (Madlib's home) was about 400 miles distant. Maybe the SF Chron can run a review about "New York's Rap World" and look at new albums by Memphis Bleek and Beanie Siegel.
(credit: Metrodad)

David Brooks takes on the flak over Newsweek and tries to introduce some calm reasoning over the intense partisan furor. To wit:

"I click my mouse over to the transcripts of administration statements and I can't believe what I'm seeing. We're in the middle of an ideological war against people who want to destroy us, and what have the most powerful people on earth become? Whining media bashers. They're attacking Newsweek while bending over backward to show sensitivity to the Afghans who just went on a murderous rampage.

Talk about the bigotry of low expectations."

(As my commenters pointed out, Brooks also had a lot of bullshit to say as well - I only paid attention to his Newsweek comments the first time and was a bit too hasty in not reading the rest of his op-ed piece closely enough. I realized: I was confusing him with Mark Shields (I'm sure this happens all the time, ha) and forgot that Brooks is the conservative half of the Shields-Brooks comedy...er...commentary team on the Newshour.

Last (and probably least), Walmart drops out of the DVD-at-home business in favor of backing Netflix. Now this just leaves Blockbuster (do people really LIKE going to Blockbuster? Or is it just necessity?) and Netflix to slug it out until Amazon.com decides to jump into the fray. Not that it'll happen, but seriously, the first one of these to decide to buy out Wantedlist.com is going to be seeing money flowing growing like grass with the mass appeal.

--O.W.