MILLIONAIRE, PART II

Feel free to Photoshop this horrendous photo and alter it as you see fit.

I posted Part I (originally aired Friday, January 11, 2008). Here, below, is Part II of my appearance on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

Let me begin my commentary by saying that there is nothing more stressful than attempting to absorb all the knowledge of the world in less than three weeks.

For the first time since the era of piano recitals, I was nervous to the point of not being in my own body. The lights, the camera, the audience, talking to Meredith -- none of that made me nervous. But having your intelligence tested before everyone you know? I'd almost rather strip during the Super Bowl halftime show. You can see my jitters through my freakish eyebrow twitches.

Backstage, I was chatting with two other fidgety contestants who were both law students. They were commenting on how worried they were about potentially missing a legal question. I promptly pointed out how much more embarrassing it would be for a law professor to miss a legal question.

I was the first one in my group to go. I walked down a very long corridor, escorted by two producers, headed for a big chair seated in front of spectators. Undoubtedly, it's totally inappropriate to analogize the experience to death row, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I thought about yelling "Dead Man Walking!" during that long walk to "the chair."

I really wanted to get through the first five questions. After that, I knew I could relax and regain control of my bowels. Naturally, I was quite relieved that I did not leave with $0 like this poor guy.

Once I got past the $1000 milestone, which was my goal, I started to have fun. Since the trip to NYC cost about $1k, anything above $1K was icing on the cake. What kind of icing? Cream ... got the money, dollar dollar bill, y'all!

Now that I've made my obligatory Wu-Tang reference, let me briefly address my appearance. You may have noticed that I'm wearing the same clothes on both days. I brought multiple outfits (as instructed), but they didn't let me change. The producer explained that it was unnecessary since I was only on for three minutes on the previous episode; plus, they were running late. Had I known that it would appear to the viewing audience that I slept in the studio for 72 hours, I would've brought a fake beard and mustache to wear for Monday's show.

Meredith is as friendly and charming as she seems. Backstage, when just the two of us were waiting for the cue to walk on to the set, she was swinging around a beam and I, naturally, complimented her on her pole dancing. (She laughed, thankfully.) During one of the commercial breaks, we also talked about how she read aloud a letter that I helped compose when she was on The View. After the taping, she sent me a nice hand-written congratulations card.

As for the questions, I felt they were fair. That said, anybody who hasn't seen the show since the Regis era should note that the questions are much harder now. (The syndicated daytime show obviously has a much smaller budget. Not surprisingly, after 1000 episodes and 1000+ contestants, only two people have won a million dollars from Meredith. I would estimate the average winnings are somewhere around $15,000 these days.)

The $16,000 question about the leveret haunts me for a variety of reasons.

First of all, I actually studied animal trivia during my preparations. I practically memorized the names for groups of animals (e.g., a school of fish, a parliament of owls, and, best of all, an unkindness of raven), the female names for animals (e.g., dog -> bitch, sheep -> ewe, etc.), and the male names for animals (e.g., goose -> gander, pig -> boar). But I never thought to study the terms for animals' babies.

It's also haunting because I was 90% sure that the term for a baby goat was not a leveret. (It's a "kid" or a "billy.") Which is to say, I should have told the audience, before polling them, that the correct answer wasn't a goat. But I hadn't slept the night before and my self-doubt took over.

Perhaps the scariest part is how much I lucked out with the 50/50 lifeline. If the computer had left opossum and hare, I would've sided with the audience and chosen opossum.

(Since the taping, I've been looking for the word leveret to pop up in newspapers, magazines, books, and websites. I even pick up rabbit books looking for the word. But I have yet to see it.)

As for the $25,000 question, I thought the correct answer was Aramaic. I'm glad I called Tom Halpern, one of my Stanford Law School classmates, who has been a contestant on Jeopardy, Win Ben Stein's Money, and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire with Regis. (I was actually one of Tom's Millionaire phone-a-friends, but he never made it past the fastest finger portion.)

You may have noticed that I didn't begin by reading the entire question to Tom. I had arranged, in advance, that if the answer was something that could be Googled, I would begin by saying the exact terms that I would type into a search engine. Worked like a charm. (Using the Interweb, by the way, is not a violation of the rules.)

After Tom fed me the correct answer, I said to Meredith, "Tom makes the big bucks as a hotshot lawyer, so I think he can spot me the $15,000 I'll lose if I get this wrong." That line was cut.

After the commercial break, Meredith asked me about my professional blogging job. We had a fun chat, in which I defended why I was "spending time in the Dixie Chicks' dressing room." In the course of discussing the experience, I also referenced Dima, who was my on-air companion. But the entire conversation was cut, which is a major bummer because I really wanted to use TiVo to watch my wife squirming in slow motion.

As for the $50,000 Olympic royalty question, here is what I knew: (1) Prince Albert is the reigning monarch of Monaco and (2) that he is a renaissance athlete. I had a vague recollection that he had competed in the Olympics. But I didn't know that he was on the bobsled team. And I certainly didn't know if the reigning monarchs of the other countries had ever competed in the Olympics.

Needless to say, I should have gone with Monaco. At $50K and above, you're lucky to be able to make any kind of educated guess. My curiosity was too great; I couldn't help but to switch the question and see my other option.

Now, anytime I see something I wish I could afford, I say, "Monaco!" and raise my fist in frustration. Hey, is that the new hybrid Honda Accord? Monaco!!!!

The second $50,000 question will haunt me for the rest of my life.

While I was racking my brain to conjure up clues, I remembered this article about the comparison of American Idol's voting numbers with the 2004 presidential election. But most of my recollections about numbers and percentages were actually about the 2000 election (in which the voter turnout was barely a majority, if that).

Sadly, I forgot about how Jon Stewart, on The Daily Show, commented about how the youth rocked the vote in the 2004 election and the overall voter turnout was high ... but Bush still was re-elected, despite that.

(Perhaps there's an argument that 85 million is actually the correct answer since 40 of the 125 million votes were supplied by Diebold.)

There is one comment of mine that I am most disappointed ended up on the cutting room floor.

Before I answered the final question, I said, "You know, Meredith, I was too depressed after the 2004 election to remember any of this stuff."

(I suppose that banter about working for the Dixie Chicks and lamenting Bush's election was just too much.)

I never imagined I would lose on a question about the 2004 presidential election. Aside from questions about Pez dispensers or Public Enemy, I could not have asked for a better subject.

But alas, I was punished for my lack of faith in the American public.

Sorry, America. I learned my lesson.

I have not received a check yet, but I plan to sink most of it into paying off my debts (which includes credit card debt for the nice Caribbean vacation that Dima and I took in December) and some of it to Amnesty International, my charity of choice.

Overall, I'm quite a happy camper. w00t!

I suppose my 15 minutes are up now.


Bonus: Watch the commercial.

--Junichi