DO NOT GET YOUR FREAK ON
Kids these days
Yesterday morning, I missed a townhall meeting in nearby Aliso Niguel High School (in the O.C.) where 700 parents (!) gathered to hear the school principal discuss how their children are "freaking" at school functions. The principal banned school dances because of what he referred to as "simulated sex," verging on sexual harassment. He even showed a video clip of two students freaking, which must've made at least two sets of parents cook up some instant colon brownies.
I wish I attended. I would've even paid admission! Sitting in that frenzied townhall meeting would've been like having a front row ticket to a virtual, interactive, live theatrical performance of Footloose: The Forbidden Dance.
(Last year, a similar crisis of unholy proportions occurred near my hometown in Lemoore, California where "freak dancing " had become a viral epidemic. A major crisis was averted only after mediators helped negotiate a compromise whereby students attending the Future Farmers of America's Sadie Hawkins Dance agreed to refrain from "freak dancing," as well as "lap dancing," "groping or fondling one another about the buttocks, genital area or breasts," "sandwich dancing," and "making out.")
To assist the principal at Aliso Niguel High School and other schools plagued with inappropriate dance moves, I have updated my template for school dancing regulations to help stamp out obscene behavior on the dance floor:
ATTENTION ALL STUDENTS:
1. Do not shake your body down to the ground, shake your booty, shake your rump, shake your thang, shake your bon bon, shake your moneymaker, or shake it like a saltshaker.
2. When another person comes around, please do not imitate the London Bridge or any form of architectural structure that is in the midst of going down.
3. Do not engage in "the twist," "the jitterbug," "the limbo," "the mambo," the "horizontal mambo," "the vertical mambo," "the Macarena," "the Tootsie Roll," "the butterfly," "the shopping cart," "the grind," "da butt," or "blow the whistle."
4. Do not loosen up your buttons. Instead, please keep frontin'.
5. Step back if you are dancing kinda close and you feel a little poke coming through.
6. Do not "put 'em on the glass," "back dat azz up," put "your head under her leg under your arm under her toe," "use your milkshake to bring the boys to the yard," "grab your **** if you love hip hop," or "rub your ******* if you love Big Poppa."
7. Do not use your lovely lady lumps to mix your milk with another person's cocoa puff or in any way create a milky, milky, cocoa puff-like substance.
8. Do not put your hand upon anyone's hip when you dip, I dip, or we dip.
9. In addition to refraining from sexually suggestive dancing, please also refrain from actual sexual intercourse on the dance floor.
10. When slow dancing, please create a distance of three feet between you and your partner.
1. Do not shake your body down to the ground, shake your booty, shake your rump, shake your thang, shake your bon bon, shake your moneymaker, or shake it like a saltshaker.
2. When another person comes around, please do not imitate the London Bridge or any form of architectural structure that is in the midst of going down.
3. Do not engage in "the twist," "the jitterbug," "the limbo," "the mambo," the "horizontal mambo," "the vertical mambo," "the Macarena," "the Tootsie Roll," "the butterfly," "the shopping cart," "the grind," "da butt," or "blow the whistle."
4. Do not loosen up your buttons. Instead, please keep frontin'.
5. Step back if you are dancing kinda close and you feel a little poke coming through.
6. Do not "put 'em on the glass," "back dat azz up," put "your head under her leg under your arm under her toe," "use your milkshake to bring the boys to the yard," "grab your **** if you love hip hop," or "rub your ******* if you love Big Poppa."
7. Do not use your lovely lady lumps to mix your milk with another person's cocoa puff or in any way create a milky, milky, cocoa puff-like substance.
8. Do not put your hand upon anyone's hip when you dip, I dip, or we dip.
9. In addition to refraining from sexually suggestive dancing, please also refrain from actual sexual intercourse on the dance floor.
10. When slow dancing, please create a distance of three feet between you and your partner.
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