THE DEATH OF DESTINY'S CHILD
Surrendering in the war on bootyliciouslessness
For those familiar with the music of Destiny's Child, below is the transcript of my imaginary interview with Beyonce Knowles, Kelly Rowland, and Michelle Williams, who recently announced that they will soon be disbanding the group.
They agreed to answer my questions by quoting verbatim some of their famously inane lyrics.
JUNICHI: Hello ladies, thanks for taking my questions.
BEYONCE: Say my name! Say my name! You actin' kinda shady not callin me baby.
JUNICHI: Ummm ... ok, thank you Beyonce, or ... baby. So the three of you have announced that you're splitting up after this last tour. Are you really breaking up for good?
BEYONCE: You'll be sayin' no, no, no, no, no when it's really yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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JUNICHI: When you seem to be able to balance the needs of the trio with your respective solo careers, how do you respond to your fans who say you are all crazy to disband?
KELLY: Even when I'm with my boo, y'know I'm crazy over you!
BEYONCE: Your love's got me looking so crazy right now!
MICHELLE: I'm crazy for loving you!
JUNICHI [Confused]: Michelle, I think you're referencing Patsy Cline. I'm not sure since I, like 99.99% of the world, never listened to your solo album.
MICHELLE: I'm crazy for you!
JUNICHI: Now that's Madonna, Michelle. Never mind. So Kelly, how will you survive the breakup of Destiny's Child?
KELLY: I'm a survivor. I'm not gonna give up. I'm not gon' stop. I'm gonna work harder.
JUNICHI: Michelle, after the split, what are you hoping for?
MICHELLE: I need a soldier known to carry big things, if you know what I mean.
BEYONCE: Girl, I didn't know you could get down like that!
JUNICHI: But Michelle, given that you have zero name recognition, are you concerned that you will be penniless after your 1% share of the profits from Destiny's Child subside?
MICHELLE: The shoes on my feet? I bought it. The clothes I'm wearing? I bought it.
JUNICHI: Yes, but what about once the royalty checks stop coming in?
MICHELLE [after long pause]: Can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bills? Can you pay my automo' bills?
JUNICHI: Wait, are you aking people to cover your expenses? I thought you were an independent woman. I wasn't ready for this.
BEYONCE: I don't think you're ready for this jelly.