CLEAR SIGNS THAT I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT

Orange crack

The following three things really did happen to me in the previous month:

1. In the process of climbing onto a golf cart, the crotch seams of my shorts burst open, exposing my boxers to the fine people at the Pacific Grove Municipal Golf Course.


2. While walking around the house, one of my belts suddenly burst and broke. Three days later, my other belt did the same thing. The belts were neither old nor slowly deteriorating. It was as if both concocted a plan to suddenly commit suicide.
   


3. In a furniture store, I hopped onto a bed and the entire wooden frame below the mattress collapsed, as if I had fallen into a trap door. An outside observer might have thought I was performing a pratfall from a Mary Katherine Gallagher skit on SNL, especially since my wife was laughing hysterically.
   
   

Sadly, I am now part of America's obesity problem. After looking up the US Department of Agriculture's dietary guidelines, I have confirmed that I am "severely overweight," the highest possible weight category.

Obviously, a strict diet of Cheetos, Taco Bell, and Dr. Pepper has taken its toll.

*

In an attempt to reverse this trend and resuscitate my metabolism, I am now going to begin training for a 10K marathon to take place on Thanksgiving morning. If you would like to support that endeavor, please click here.

--Junichi